


Brightest Star in the Night Sky

by moonchildanoriel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bottom Sirius Black, Depressed Remus Lupin, Depression, Drug Use, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, Gay Sirius Black, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, Hurt Remus Lupin, Idiots in Love, Jealous Remus Lupin, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Not Canon Compliant - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Original Character(s), POV Remus Lupin, POV Sirius Black, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Post-Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Protective Remus Lupin, Reconciliation, Remus Lupin Lives, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sad Sirius Black, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black Has PTSD, Sirius Black Lives, Sirius Black as Padfoot, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin Fluff, Soulmates, Swearing, Top Remus Lupin, True Love, Werewolf Remus Lupin, lycanthropy, wolfstar is main ship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:15:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 110,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28033005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonchildanoriel/pseuds/moonchildanoriel
Summary: This work consists of two parts: Marauders Era (1978) and post-Azkaban (Year 3)Changing POV's, but mainly Remus LupinSometimes, life leads you back to your significant other in strange ways and everything that seemed to be lost is re-inserted like a puzzle piece. Right into the depths of our soul. These moments of unspeakable happiness, shattering heartbreak and indescribable trust have to be honored and captured. That is what you can expect while reading this. A story about friendship, loss, everyday feelings of love, intimacy and doubt, which, nonchalantly, are parts of every heart and yet of magical origin. A story about outer and inner magic, if you will.The first part of the story follows the Marauders during their final year at Hogwarts, a special winter in which a Christmas ball causes a stir. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter rise to the challenge and, in addition to having fun growing up, find out some very interesting things about each other. The second part picks up with Remus' employment as a teacher at Hogwarts. A job, through which the lycanthrope hopes to finally come to terms with his traumatizing past and the betrayal by the love of his life. But what if the past is not done with him yet?
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 73
Kudos: 122





	1. Hogwarts 1978

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for a friend, however, @girlwithacrown encouraged me to post it here as well. It is truly not perfect, but I hope that it brings joy to one or the other.

***

Remus Lupin rubbed his temples as he stepped out of the classroom into the cool hallway. Arithmancy had been particularly exhausting today, as always during his last week before the full moon.

At least, Professor Vector had not criticized his essay. A rewriting would have been ill-timed because of his furry little problem, as James liked to call it. Arriving in the courtyard, Remus pulled his red-golden scarf tighter around his neck, because although it was only mid-November, the temperatures had dropped well below zero. It was already dark outside, a perk of late classes. He sighed as he walked past a group of excited Ravenclaw girls. First graders. They were, by all accounts, already on their way to dinner in the Great Hall. Almost unreal that this is our last year at Hogwarts.

As if automatically, his legs carried him to the Gryffindor common room where, after giving the password ( _Fizzing Whizzbee_ , honestly, Dumbledore should stop using candy names as passwords), he headed up the stairs to the dormitory. Halfway up the stairs, Remus could hear deafening music and he would have won every bet if someone had asked him out of which of these rooms the sounds were coming from. It was not the first time Remus was relieved that only the four of them, not five as it was the usual case, shared a dormitory. Only two weeks ago, the Muggle rock band Queen had released their new album "News of the World" and of course James had gifted it to Sirius for his 18th birthday. Since then, their songs have been playing non-stop. Not that Remus would complain, he liked the music. But he was not as extroverted as the others, needed his rest.

He opened their door and was greeted by a not particularly rare sight: James and Sirius, in the middle of the room, performing "We are the Champions" with air guitars.

_I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face_

_But I’ve come through_

Both were quite the duo. James had his tie wrapped around his head and wore a band sweater, Sirius was dressed in a short black crop top, truly unsuitable for the season, and had his hair tied into a messy bun. Both welcomed him with a cheerful "Moony" and continued their performance. Peter lay on his bed, an empty jellybean box next to him, and was immersed in the Charms essay for next week. How he could concentrate with all this noise was a mystery to Remus, but he probably just got used to it after all these years. Arriving at his bed, Remus stowed away his books and took off his school uniform. Then he collected his washing bag and fresh clothes as he liked to take a shower before dinner. After all, when the showers were still empty as they usually were at this hour, he could allow himself a moment of rest. James-Sirius Mercury also fell silent and the two clapped each other off, while Sirius leaned against his bed frame, smiling in his direction.

"You came in just now? Please, don't tell me you are taking even more classes." With a flick of his wand, his hair came down, soft curls covering his shoulders.

"Unlike you lads, Remus is aware that this is our last year at Hogwarts," Peter mocked from his bed. Sirius rolled his eyes in a joking manner, "Honestly Pete, our moral apostle, how many pages did you manage to write for the Charms Essay today?" "Judging by your consumption of candy, you should be done. Your brain has enough sugar for it anyway" James laughed amusingly, while he picked up the empty box from Peter’s bed. Peter buried his head in his pillow, "Well, laugh at me all you want. You know that writing isn't my strongest suit." Unfortunately, Remus could only confirm this. Whenever he helped Peter with his homework, he noticed his friend's problems with written assignments. The better that he had apparently started early this time. “Relax Pete,” Sirius said as he went to the window and lit a cigarette “we are only joking.”

James fell face first into his bed. "Could you hurry up? I'm practically starving since practice." Remus frowned in confusion. “Wait, you had Quidditch training earlier?” He looked from James to Sirius. “Am I the only one with a full schedule today?” It would not surprise him. "Not everyone can be a saint like you, Moony," Sirius said with a wink, “Besides, after History of Magic and Binns’ drowsy voice, I can't continue with anything important anyway.” James threw a pillow in Sirius' direction, grunting, „Quidditch IS important!“ “Of course it is, captain”, Sirius responded, leaning out of the window against the caught pillow.

Remus shuddered. The cold November air swept amazingly fast into the room, leaving behind an icy breeze. “Sirius, please put something on”, Peter whined, scanning Sirius' body with his gaze, eyes resting on his cropped top. The latter laughed out loud and arched his back in a seductive manner. “Why? Am I making you uncomfortable, Wormy?” Remus tilted his head sideways. If anyone could show off his body, it was Sirius. His fellow Marauder was stunningly attractive. Thin, yet muscular, with slender legs and hair that could make any girl jealous. He had, to say the least, the perfect mixture of everything, not that he would ever say so out loud. Remus cleared his throat. “I think what Peter is trying to say is that he can’t even look at you without catching pneumonia.” Peter gave him a reassuring nod while James unfolded the Marauders Map. “That's my boys, always so worried,” Sirius replied in a dreamy voice as he stubbed out his cigarette on one of the roof tiles. He closed the window, walked back into the room, and picked up Remus' jumper. "Can I borrow this, Moonypie?" he then asked with a wry grin. When Remus just nodded, Sirius slipped the jumper on. It was a few sizes too big for him but nevertheless conveyed his own unique charm. To be honest, Remus enjoyed it whenever Sirius wore his clothes. They looked good on him. “Great! Now you look just like our favorite grandpa,” said James as he looked up from the map. “Shut up, Prongs,” Sirius and Remus responded in unison.

***

When Remus came out of the shower, as expected he had been all alone, his friends had already gone ahead to get dinner. James had probably put too much pressure on them, he was quick to get grumpy when being hungry. They used to wait for him in the past, but Remus had told them often and repeatedly that this was not necessary. He liked his peace and quiet in the evening and was in no way offended. In the dormitory, he could still smell the odor of Peter's sandwiches, salami and cheese, and Remus wondered if he knew anyone else who took a snack before having dinner. Truly typical of Peter and his unwavering appetite. After he dried himself and hung his towel to dry near the oven, he decided to wear a green coarse knit sweater and normal black jeans. James had once again forgotten to hang up his wet towel, as it was still rumpled up on his bed. Remus sighed and hung it up next to his own without hesitation. Sometimes he felt like the mum of the group. And he really was. Without him, the Marauders would probably spend their time in permanent detention. With the minty coolness of chewing gum in his mouth, Remus walked down the stairs of the dormitory. Now he too could hear his stomach growl and secretly hoped for a good curry.

Contrary to expectations, he was, when entering the common room, greeted by a bush of fiery red hair that hung over the back of the sofa. Lily Evans was immersed in a book on potions, Remus recognized the binding from a distance, a steaming cup of tea in her hand. He sat down next to her with a smile, surprised that she was already wearing sweatpants.

"Good evening, Lils. Are you deliberately skipping dinner or is Slughorn's book not letting you go?"

Lily was a model student at Potions and also a member of Professor Slughorn's private club of honorable students, always willing to do her best. "Neither," Lily replied with a broad grin, "I had a free period this afternoon and already ate." She eyed Remus, "Where is your charismatic quartet today? Don't tell me they went to dinner without you!" Of course, she was just kidding. Remus knew for sure that Lily at least got along well with Peter and Sirius, although she liked to call the latter an "entitled prick" sometimes. She rarely spoke about James but the lycanthrope recently suspected that this had its own very special explanation.

"Guilty as charged," said Remus and raised his hands, "I think James would have thrown himself out of the dorm window, had he waited any longer for his precious dinner and we don't need to talk about Peter, you know him.” Lily giggled while sipping at her tea, "I think Peter is adorable." Her gaze turned to the fire, which flickered stimulatingly in the fireplace. "And of course, the others will always obey whenever dear Jamesy needs something." Her tone, probably intended to be harsh, was of a soft nature. Remus did not fail to notice that, at the mention of James' name, her eyes stated to light up. His suspicions began to harden. Since their sixth year, Lily was no longer entirely averse to James and his sad attempts at flirtation. They would make a cute couple, Remus thought, but did not want to jump to conclusions.

"Oh by the way, Remus," said Lily suddenly after a longer pause in their conversation and quickly put her teacup on the coffee table, "I briefly spoke to McGonagall earlier, after transfiguration, and she told me a secret since I'm Head Girl." Lily was bubbling with euphoria, and now Remus was eager to hear what she had to say. "Dumbledore has decided to throw a Christmas ball for the senior classes this year. All fifth-, sixth- and seventh-graders can attend." Remus looked perplexed; he had never attended a ball before. Lily did not seem to notice his irritation and continued in a cheering voice, "Do you understand what that means? An evening full of celebration, music, dance, and fun. All dressed up in fancy dresses and evening gowns.” She fake-swooned, “We're being properly pampered for our last year at Hogwarts." Remus liked the idea of his friends and himself in noble suits, the idea of dancing not so much. "I'm going to make quite a fool of myself," he said matter-of-factly. Never, not once in his life, had he needed to dance in earnest, and he could only imagine how bad he might look. "Nonsense!" Lily replied, nudging him in the arm, "we will get dance lessons with McGonagall, of course."

The lycanthrope was still not quite convinced of the idea of his dancing self but decided to say nothing else, for his grumbling stomach told him that it was finally time for food. As he said goodbye to Lily and went to the door, she called after him, telling him that Dumbledore would make an announcement about the ball in the Great Hall tonight after dinner. Remus could hardly wait to see the amazed faces of his fellow Marauders. Would their reaction be similar to his own?

The Great Hall was already full of students from all age groups, who enjoyed a variety of dishes, talking loudly. Some teachers were eating as well. The moment Remus entered, he was waved at by his friends and joined them in their familiar spot at the table. James was still gnawing at the remains of a juicy chicken leg, while Peter had already gathered three different kinds of desserts around him. Sirius drank a cup of black coffee, still wearing Remus’ jumper. His black-haired friend was a very picky eater and usually only drank unsweetened coffee in the evening, a habit that Remus had already criticized more than once.

"Did you fall asleep in the shower, Moony?" Sirius asked interrogatingly as he sat down.

"Let the man have his privacy, Pads," James interfered with an amused look, "you of all people don't have anything to complain about. Peter could take three showers during the time it takes you to finish one." Sirius ran a hand through his thick hair, "Beauty takes its time, you know." Remus loaded a piece of steak onto his plate. Normally, he did not enjoy meat, but in the days prior to his transformation, the medium rare steak was just what he needed. Probably first signs of the emerging wolf within him. "Actually, I was delayed by Lily," Remus said and filled his glass with pumpkin juice. He would magically dilute it later; the uber-sweet stuff had not tasted good to him in years. "What did Evans want from you?" James asked with a note of jealousy in his voice. "Nothing special, really. She just informed me that Dumbledore is going to make an announcement tonight," Remus could hardly contain his smile. "I swear, if Dumbledore tries to recruit members for Slughorn's hilarious club again, I'll throw up," Sirius sneered over the edge of his cup. Remus knew what he meant. Besides the occasional exceptionally gifted student like Lily Evans, Professor Slughorn had made it his passion to recruit students from noble pureblood houses. Sirius had been a jewel in the crown Slughorn had not yet been able to put on his head, despite repeated requests. Only his younger brother Regulus had joined the Slug-Club. "How many times has old Sluggy tried to recruit you by now, Sirius?" asked Peter with a mouthful of ice cream cake. Sirius shrugged his shoulders in boredom, "I've stopped counting."

Just as James had also arrived at dessert and was enjoying a mousse-au-chocolat, Professor Dumbledore started to raise his voice at the other side of the hall with a quick Sonorus. He wore a lilac robe with pale blue stars, a combination Remus was used to. The hall fell silent, most of the faces looking at the elderly wizard.

“Good evening dear students, I hope you enjoyed your dinner. I suppose you are wondering why I am still interrupting at such an unusual hour. The answer is that last week, the teaching staff and I have decided to celebrate this magical leap year by organizing a Christmas ball, the first of its kind since a long time.”

A murmur went through the crowd, the students were visibly confused. Remus was glad that Lily had warned him in advance.

"Of course, the ball will not take place directly at Christmas Day, as many of you are going to spend the time with your families, but will be held on the weekend of December 17th," Dumbledore continued. "It is a traditional Christmas ball, an evening opened by standard dance and choral music, which is adorned with joyful gatherings. For the later evening, we invited some non-traditional bands and I think some of you will be especially happy when I say that we teachers will withdraw after the standard dances." The students cheered and James happily looked back, into the faces of his Marauders, brows raised. "However, after a long period of discussion, and I would like to make this very clear now, we have decided that this is a ball exclusively for the older classes. Therefore, only students of the fifth years and upwards are allowed to attend. For the younger students, a day trip to Hogsmeade should serve as a small compensation. We very much hope that the evening will bring you pleasure and that you see it as a small incentive for next year's O.W.L and N.E.W.T examinations. Further details will be provided by the respective house teachers. I wish you a good night and hope you choose your dance partners wisely.”

With these words, Dumbledore stepped down from his podium and the crowd applauded. "Who would have expected this," said James with an excited expression, "an evening just for us, with no teachers and all of that at Hogwarts." Peter had barely touched his crème brulee, his face suddenly a few shades paler. "Didn't you hear that we have to dance?" He swallowed audibly. "And not only that, but we have to choose a dance partner. I think I'd rather hole up in our dormitory." Remus chuckled; he had expected precisely this reaction from Peter. "I'm not much of a dancer myself, Pete, but we mustn't miss this evening," James replied as he picked a strawberry from the top of the ice cream cake in front of them. "Besides, we are no longer fifteen years old. Each of us should find a dance partner in the turn of hair," Sirius agreed, grey eyes resting on his painted fingernails. Peter shuddered and looked at him with an annoyed face. "That's easy to say when you're Sirius Black. Half of Hogwarts lusts after you." Remus grimaced at Peter’s expression. It was not news that Sirius was highly sought after. Before he confessed to the others in their fifth year that he preferred men, he had engaged in several short-term relationships with girls. Since then, there had been few, more serious affairs, the last with Ravenclaw starlet Benjy Fenwick. Remus only needed to meet Saint Benjy in the corridors and a whole day was ruined. He was aware of why the thought of Sirius' ex elicited such a reaction inside of him but did not want to think about it at the moment.

Sirius seemed to feel Remus’ racing mind because he put an arm around him. "Don't worry guys, we are going to be fine. And as a last resort, we could just go together, as friends, no harm done." He smiled, this charming, toothy smile no one was able to resist, until Peter came out of his sulk. Remus immediately felt better as well. "You could ask Lily if she wants to go to the ball with you, Prongs," he said with a wry face. After talking to Lily earlier and witnessing her reaction when mentioning James, he thought that it was time to sort out the fronts a little bit. “Merlin’s beard! Keep your voice down,” James whispered sternly as a group of Gryffindors passed them. “For the record, I intend to do that,” he paused, “I just don’t know how, yet.” They got up and left the Great Hall, which was becoming increasingly less busy. "Tomorrow we have Potions in the first period, right?" Peter suggested, "You could ask her then." James made a concentrated face as if he had a difficult exam task to solve. Whenever Lily was the topic of discussion, he became quieter than usual. How very telling. "Let's see, if it comes up, maybe."

The four of them came to a halt in the entrance hall, where a bunch of younger students blocked the stairs. Sirius clicked his tongue, „Is anyone up for a little after-dinner walk around the grounds? It’s good for digestion.” Peter grabbed his stomach, "I think I can only lie down on the sofa today. My food coma won't let me do anything else." He looked at Sirius. "Though I must admit, after a full cup of coffee for dinner, you are definitely in need to digest a lot.” Sirius dismissed his statement with a short “pff”. James shook his head, too. "If I want a shot at Evans tomorrow, or anytime soon, I have to come up with a strategy." Somehow, Remus had known it would come down to this. Although he himself would have preferred to end the evening with a nice book in the common room, he would have never been able to reconcile it with his conscience after letting Sirius roam alone in the dark. His friend would go alone without batting an eyelid, Remus was certain of that. Sirius was the only one of them who was already 18 and thus of age according to both Wizarding and Muggle law, and still, Remus felt strangely protective of him. Hence, he cast a swift Accio for their coats. "I knew I could rely on my Moony," Sirius warbled with his puppy-dog eyes.

When the two of them entered the courtyard of the castle, much to Filch's annoyance, who could no longer forbid the seventh graders such action, the cold literally whipped Remus in the face. In the light of the enchanted, unquenchable candles that lit up the courtyard, he saw that it had started to snow. Tiny snowflakes danced in the air and were whirled around by the icy wind. The courtyard was bathed in complete silence, the only sound their footsteps in the accumulating snow.

"I've always loved winter," Sirius began to say as he exhaled the smoke of his freshly lit cigarette, "the cold air feels wonderful on the skin, don't you think?”

Remus nodded. In his childhood he had adored winter, for it was full of wonderful memories. Building snowmen with his mother, a steaming cup of hot chocolate after they were both back in the warmth of their living room, decorating the Christmas tree with the help of his father's magic. Sirius had never done any of these things with his family, yet here he was, romanticizing winter. Remus pulled up the collar of his coat to hide the blushing of his ears. Could he ever tell Sirius how he really felt about him? "Do you have any idea who you're going to ask to the ball?" Remus inquired, a sad attempt to take his mind off things. Sirius eyed him playfully, "Who says I have to ask someone, maybe I want to be asked?" he replied in a flirty voice, which triggered something in Remus. "Good old Benjy will certainly try it with me again," Sirius laughed and leaned against the pedestal of the fountain in front of them. Remus tensed; he did not feel like laughing. "Calm down, Moony," Sirius giggled, being even more amused now, "I'm only joking, I'm definitely done with that idiot." Remus took a deep breath, why could Sirius read him like an open book again? Before he could grasp a new thought, a soft snowball hit him in the face. "Strike!" Sirius yelled in a shrill octave, running around the fountain. He always managed to bring forth the inner child within Remus. Shaking the snow from his hair, Remus ran after him. The edge of the fountain provided the perfect place to pick up some snow, which had conveniently gathered there, and form it into ball after ball of his own.

They must have looked funny, like childish first-years, as they ran around the yard throwing snow at each other. Due to his werewolf senses, which were especially heightened by the near full moon, Remus was much faster than Sirius and caught up with him after a few minutes. He grabbed the smaller man and, with a flick of his wand, blew snow onto his head. "Moony, no!" Sirius complained, struggling against his embrace, "You are going to ruin my hair." Half out of pity and half because he could no longer hold on because of laughter, Remus released his spell. Both were out of breath and now looked each other in the eyes, smiling like crazy. Sirius' cheeks, usually always evenly pale like those of a porcelain doll, were flushed. His lips were plump, wetted with shimmering ice crystals. Remus wanted to kiss them. Before he could act on his desire, Sirius buried his head in Remus' jacket. "What are you doing?" Remus asked softly, imploringly praying that Sirius could not hear his still pounding heartbeat, which could no longer be blamed on their previous gimmicks. “What does it look like?” Sirius said while his voice was muffled by the fabric of Remus' coat, "I'm enjoying a moment with my best friend, the most wonderful, damned man on this earth.” Remus smiled lovingly and stroked circles on Sirius' back.

_One day you will be my downfall, Sirius Black._


	2. Realization

***

Back in the common room, Remus and Sirius had decided to join the others after a quick shower. While Sirius had already put on his sleeping clothes, a sleeveless top and long pyjama bottoms, Remus was still in his proper clothes. After all, they were not the only ones in the common room.

Peter sat on one of the sofas with his head tilted backwards at an awkward angel, blinking weakly, obviously close to falling asleep. James was lying on his stomach in front of the fireplace, reading a book. "What are you reading, Prongsy?" Sirius asked after he laid his head in Remus' lap. Although he did this often and it was usually entirely platonic, it made Remus' heart beat faster these days. "A Muggle guide I borrowed from Dorcas," James replied in a distracted voice. He turned the book over and revealed its cover: _Understanding Women in 60 Minutes_. Sirius’ loud laughter echoed through the common room and Peter jumped up, obviously annoyed. “Are you serious, mate?”, Sirius was close to tears from laughter. “No, you are Sirius!” James said, returning the joke. "Muggles read these books in all sincerity, and this was number two on the English book charts." "Right after their top-seller: Everything I know about women I learned from a tractor?" Peter suggested in a bugged voice. Sirius was now having an absolute fit of laughter, writhing in Remus' lap. To see him like that was just beautiful. "Glad to see my desperation gives you so much pleasure, Pads," James murmured with an offended face, which was more for show than to express real anger.

Sirius wiped away his tears with the back of his hand and coughed heavily as he slowly sat up. "I hear that smoking does you good," Peter teased, now fully awake again. All he reaped in return was a flip-off from Sirius. "But quite frankly, James," Remus started, "I don't think Lily would be impressed by sordid remarks from second-rate guidebooks. It’s really not that complicated. Why don't you just ask her on a date to Hogsmeade, you guys have a few butterbeers, and at the end you ask her if she'd like to go to the ball with you? Simple, quick and if she says no, hardly tragic, as this could have been done between friends as well."

James' mouth was open for a moment, then he started nodding as if the idea had clicked. "This could actually work. Moony, you are a genius." Sometimes, Remus wondered why James was always so dense when it came to Lily. But he knew it was easier to give advice than to follow your own. "Moony, our womanizer!" croaked Sirius, whose voices seemed to be working again at last. "Now that we've cleared that up, can we finally go to bed?" Peter suggested while yawning and covering his mouth. The common room was completely empty except for the four friends and Remus wondered how late it was already. "One more thing," said James as he moved the cushions from the floor in front of the fireplace back to the sofa. "Did you see the look on Bentley Styles face when you sat down with us?" Remus failed to notice the boastful Gryffindor James was talking about and tilted his head in confusion. Styles was in their year, even on the Quidditch team of the Gryffindors and, to Remus' knowledge, had an on-off relationship with Clark Summers, who was only a year younger. "I noticed that too," Peter joined in. "The good guy sat in the corner over there and only seemed to have eyes for Sirius. I think you have a new admirer, Pads." Sirius extended his arms above his head, stretching with relish while his tattoos seemed to flicker in the light of the fireplace flame, "I think I'll pass, not my type." Remus looked down. _Correct answer_. He immediately felt bad about that thought. What had gotten into him?

"Styles has always been keen on my post as Quidditch captain," James resumed as they went up the stairs to the dormitory. "And I know for a fact, that he is bi. Let’s keep a special eye on him during next training session, shall we?”

When Remus finally sank into the soft expanse of his mattress, the world seemed to stand still. Hardly any moonlight passed through the heavy bed curtains, just as Remus liked it. He wanted to ignore the moon as best he could and, at least for a few more days, not be reminded of it. Plus, he slept best in complete darkness anyway. Peter was the only one of them who often slept without drawn bed curtains. In order not to devote his last waking thought to Peter, he directed his attention to Sirius. Remus thought of their snowball fight and the embrace in the yard earlier and how good his friend's head had felt on his chest. Like it belonged there. The thought put him into a peaceful sleep.

Many hours later, Remus drifted out of his sleep through a quiet snore accompanied by a cool breeze. The four of them had been together long enough, so he did not even have to check to know what was going on. During each night, Peter was at constant war with James about the state of the windows. He preferred to sleep with the windows closed, enjoying the room’s warmth, while James slept best with the windows open. Consequently, both would wake up several times each night, sporadically opening or closing the windows. Judging by the snoring, Peter had either given in or fallen asleep regardless. The lycanthrope reached for his wand and let a wordless _Tempus_ indicate the time. In about half an hour, the Great Hall would let the first students in for breakfast.

When he sat up in bed, he immediately felt dizzy, damn lycanthropy. He rubbed his eyes and pulled his bed curtains aside. Peter had not closed his own bed curtains, of course, and was snoring crookedly on his back. The beds of James and Sirius were deserted, although the bundle of sleeping garments lying on the end of James' bed indicated to Remus that the latter was probably out for a jog. He was an absolute morning person, happy and bubbly, and had pestered Sirius so many times in the past that the same had thrown him out of the dormitory. Since then, James had often made it a habit to go running before breakfast so as not to let his fizzy energy out on the Marauders. Sirius hated mornings and was unresponsive for the first fifteen minutes of the day. They usually did not approach him, unless someone wanted to feel the full force of his bad mood. Peter tried it once, it had not turned out well for him. Today, however, he seemed to have been awake for some time, because Remus found him whistling a tune in the bathroom. He had a towel wrapped around his hair, toothbrush in his mouth, and a bilious green substance on his face. "Good morning, Moonypie," Sirius sang as Remus pushed open the squeaky door to the bathroom, "did you sleep well?" Remus joined him at the sink and put toothpaste on his toothbrush. "As good as can be expected under the circumstances, what's that on your face?" Sirius frowned, "Right, I totally forgot the full moon is in four days." He cleared his throat, "This is a hydrating face mask, did you think my skin would just miraculously take care of itself?" He looked at Remus, winking, "There are just so many advantages to having beauticians as your adoptive parents." It was so good to see Sirius thriving under the care of the Potters and how well he got along with James' parents, Euphemia and Fleamont. Both had welcomed him with open arms after Sirius had run away from his family at the age of sixteen. One of the darkest periods in Sirius' life. The Potters had treated him like a second son ever since. Fleamont Potter, who had made a name for himself through the development of different cosmetics, especially hair potions, was certainly thrilled that someone finally appreciated his products. The ones that James, with his untamable mane, so carelessly ignored.

Remus watched him through the mirror as Sirius combed his hair, then magically dried it and fixed it into a bun, held by his wand. His usual look. "Do I have anything else on my face or do you always brush your teeth for ten minutes while staring in the mirror?" Sirius asked in a mocking tone, grinning at his friend. Before Remus could come up with anything cunning, James, dressed only in a towel, rushed past them into the shower. "Good, at least you're finally awake," James got in the shower cabin and the water started running, "Peter must be in a semi-coma, how he can still sleep with full daylight and the curtains open?" "You know him," Sirius replied, rolling his eyes, "the lazy sod always wakes up at last minute. Maybe I can help him a little today."

Back in the dormitory, Sirius crept towards Peter, who was still snoring peacefully, if not louder than before. The Animagus quietly cleared his throat and took a deep breath as he batted his eyebrows in Remus' direction. "Wakey-wakey, Peter," Sirius suddenly shouted at the top of his lungs right beside Peter's bed and the latter immediately jumped up, whirled around and fell out of the same, his backside hitting the floor with a loud bang. “Fuck you, Sirius!” Peter whined and rubbed his aching behind while Sirius laughed like a harpy. Remus shook his head, smiling, his friends were such idiots. "Did you want me to break something, you tosser?" He looked at Remus, whose expression immediately changed from amused to earnest. "What did I do to deserve this?"

Remus’ straight face did not last long, as Sirius was still laughing in the background, the sounds of his laugh being way too contagious. "We only spared you from yet another detention with Slughorn," Remus replied with amusement clouding his voice. Peter was still upset and sat down on his bed to put on his socks. Remus and Sirius also put on their school uniforms. In the past, they had all gone to separate rooms for that purpose, but now they were mature enough not to be ashamed of undressing in each other’s company anymore. "Bloody thing," Peter said annoyed after struggling with his tie for several minutes. After all these years, he still could not knot it properly. "Let me do it, Wormy," replied Sirius, who already had his hands around Peter's neck to reach for his tie, "as a small apology for what happened earlier." His plump friend blushed when Sirius pulled him closer by force. Why Sirius could knot ties so elegantly was a mystery to Remus, but he imagined that it was related to his strict upbringing. "You see, child’s play," Sirius said and examined Peter's neat tie, "Is everyone ready for breakfast now?" Remus nodded and James led the way.

***

As soon as they entered the classroom, they could see that today was going to be a practical lesson. Slughorn had moved the otherwise larger tables apart, so that there was only room for two students at each table and had placed a separate kettle on each of them. On the teacher's desk stood a covered cauldron filled with a bright, bubbling liquid. As usual, it was quite dark in the Potions Master's quarters, but Remus' eyes were too light sensitive at the moment anyway and so the dimmed light came in handy. Peter scratched the back of his head, "What has old Sluggy gotten himself into today?" It was a fair question.

"I guess someone hasn't been listening to him the last week," Lily suddenly came up behind them. Remus had not seen her coming down the stairs. "Evans!" exclaimed James and Sirius had to keep his laughter down. "What do you mean, do you know what we have to brew today?" he asked bewildered. She smiled at the boys, her eyes constantly flickering back to James. "Of course! Today is the first time we are going to brew Amortentia ourselves." Remus swallowed. _Why does it have to be a love potion_? "Isn't that a powerful healing potion?" Peter asked in a simple-minded way and Sirius smacked his palm against his own forehead. "Honestly, Pete, how did you even make it to OWL level?" Peter struck the tip of his wand into the palm of his hand, as if he had thought about hitting Sirius with it for a second, "Potions is a demanding subject. Not even Remus is good at it." He could not deny this, because although all the other subjects fell well to him and he was able to compensate for many minor weaknesses with diligence, Potions was the absolute exception. Nothing profound, he still had an "Acceptable" and thus passed the course, but it bothered him that the subject was such a brain twister for him.

"Nonsense, Remus is good," hissed Lily, who had walked around to the other side of the group, "that's why we are such a great team." Remus smiled. Since the beginning of their seventh year, Lily had become his assigned partner and the two of them always had to work together on Slughorn’s assignments. He was incredibly lucky being paired up with her because Lily was top of the class. James gave them a pouty look. "What are you making that face for, Jamesy?" Sirius asked and put his arm around his friend. "You and I make a marvelous team as well, don’t you think?" He fluttered his eyelashes and pursed his lips, as if to give a kiss. James shoved him away. "Terrific," he responded dryly. Behind them, the Slytherins now came in as well and James' eyes immediately locked with those of Severus Snape. The two had been at loggerheads since Remus could think, but ever since Severus ogled at dark magic and befriended people like Avery and Mulciber, the advocates of blood purity per se, it had only gotten worse. Still, both had grown up quite a lot and at least did not hex each other in the corridors anymore. Severus' gaze was cold, and he walked wordlessly to his seat near Slughorn's table. He, too, was quite talented at Potions, but Remus suspected that this was also more than a little related to the fact that he wanted to impress Lily at all costs. While Remus looked at Severus, he did not fail to notice that Caius Avery cast a dark glance at him as well.

Their lesson was about to begin, and more and more students began to sit down. Mary MacDonald, a small and caring witch with blond hair, waved Peter, her partner, nearer. She was a loveable person, always in a good mood, positive and cheerful and she had also been the one Remus had shared his very first kiss with. For a longer relationship, however, Mary had been too innocent, too naïve, _he had a type after all_ , and both decided to go their separate ways. Nevertheless, they still got along well. Remus was just sitting down when Professor Slughorn stumbled out of a side room full of magical supplies. He wore his normal brown robe with green stripes and sometimes looked like an illustration of the novel character Sherlock Holmes from the muggle books Remus’ mother had read to him as a child.

"Good morning, dear ones," he greeted his students. "As announced last week," Lily waggishly looked at Peter again, "we are going to have our first practical trial this school year. Does any of you have an idea what the potion in front of me is called?" Lily raised up her hand. "Yes, Lily my dear girl," Slughorn said without waiting for any other raised hands. "This is Amortentia, one of the strongest love potions in the world." When Slughorn had nothing to add, Lily continued. “Amortentia is considered to be both, powerful and dangerous. While it is impossible to manufacture actual love, one must not underestimate the deep infatuation created by this potion.” Slughorn clapped his hands together, enthusiastically prancing on the spot. "Excellent answer, Lily, wonderful. Someone else?" He picked Severus Snape. "Its effect is almost instantaneous and those under its spell will harbor an obsession for the administering party," Severus spoke softly and slowly, as if he had memorized the description from a book. Slughorn was rapturous, "Everything correct, five points to Gryffindor and Slytherin. Since Amortentia takes seven days to finish, we will only work through the first chapter of the recipe today and finish the potion on Thursday. However, I have already prepared one cauldron for you, so that everyone can assess its scent and texture. Please note that the potion smells different for each of us and only reflects what attracts you personally. I will let you work in peace; you will find the recipe on page 42 in the book. Please, do not hesitate to ask me if something is unclear. I wish you all good luck.” With these words, Slughorn sat down at the teacher's table and began to work through some papers. "Do you want to see the finished potion first or do we want to start working right away?" Lily asked him as she took their course books out of the closet with a flick of her wand. Remus was hesitant, unsure what he would smell. _But what should go wrong?_

"Let's first look at the potion. I can imagine that everyone wants to smell it at the end of the lesson and that it will get rather crowded," he replied, assessing. They stood up and moved towards the steaming cauldron that stood next to Slughorn’s table, still covered. James interrupted his cutting of mint blossoms and traced them with his eyes. He would definitely ask Remus about Lily’s preferred flavors later. Lily grabbed the cast-iron lid of the kettle and skillfully pushed it aside. Immediately, a lovely note streamed into the room and both of them took a deep breath. Quite extraordinary, just as Slughorn had said.

After a while, Lily began to talk. “So,” she said noisily, “can you tell what it is you are smelling?”

Remus inhaled again. “I think I smell fresh pages of a book, lemonade with a hint of cinnamon and the spicy smell of a campfire.” He sincerely hoped that the detailed description of his lie would give it more credibility. In fact, he genuinely smelled books but only on a very faint note. Much stronger was the delicate scent of bergamot and cedarwood, ingredients of Sirius' shampoo and his sinfully pricey perfume, mixed with the aromatic perfecting of his tangy cigarettes. Remus blushed feverishly; this was the ultimate proof. Even though he had, of course, already known, he finally needed to admit it to himself. He was drawn in by his best friend. Now starting to sweat, the realization made him uncomfortable. He could not deal with it now, here, not when the wolf was so close under his skin. Maybe he should not have inhaled as forcefully. Why would Slughorn never give them detailed instructions? Against his better judgement, his eyes searched for Sirius in the room and found him busy, weighing the sparkling moonstone powder. The Animagus had rolled up his sleeves, exposing his delicate tattoos, his eyebrows drawn together in concentration. Remus, or rather the wolf, could hear the pulse underneath Sirius’ skin, lively, raging, so deliciously inviting. _Ready to be dominated._

“Remus?!” Lily had called his name probably a dozen times already. He shook his head, blinking hard and swallowing his lust, “I’m sorry, Lily, I must have spaced out.” Lily examined him with concerned eyes. “Don’t scare me like that! I almost thought the potion had some unforeseen side effects.” Remus looked down, that had been scary indeed. Almost losing control. “What does it smell like to you?” he decided to ask, still a little out of breath. Lily ran her hand through her ponytail, “I can definitely smell lavender, my parent’s house is next to a field, you know. But funnily enough, also books and a scent I cannot quite classify.” Remus tilted his head. “Something like fresh gras, dirt and a little bit of sweat,” she laughed loudly, “disgusting, right?” Remus had to hold back a laugh. Somehow, Lily’s description reminded him of the Quidditch field. But she was not a fan of Quidditch. UNLESS? No way! The second realization of the day hit Remus and he slowly began to lose his mind for good. He hurly put the lid back on the cauldron, grabbed Lily by the arm and led her back to their seats.

Arriving at their cauldron, he cleared his throat. This conversation was doomed to become quite uncomfortable. Uncertain how to start, Remus began to heat the water in the cauldron, which Lily had already measured. "Lily, I think your described aromas overlap with the scents of a Quidditch field," Remus finally began to speak in a muted voice. “I thought about that as well just now,” Lily whispered back, “and I’m also aware of what it means.” For a few minutes they worked in complete silence until Lily started talking again. "Please, you must not tell him," the excitement echoed from her voice, "promise me that this remains our little secret, Remus." He drummed his fingers on the table, the tension not letting go of him. How could it come to the point where Lily and he now shared her little secret? "If you promise me not to tell James about my feelings, Sirius will never hear anything from me as well," Lily continued, closer to his ear. Remus’ head spun around, giving him away, “What could Sirius possibly hear from you?” She rolled her eyes, smiling. “Oh come on Remus, drop the act! I am sure that you lied to me when describing Amortentia’s scent earlier. You stared at Sirius for five minutes afterwards, while being completely unresponsive. Super inconspicuous.” She pocked out her tongue. Remus could not believe it. Lily had seen right through him. “So, do we have a deal?” the girl asked and stretched out her hand under the table, as if wanting to seal a contract. Remus took it, grinning from ear to ear. “Deal!” _Lily Evans, you sly girl._

As the lesson drew to a close and Lily, with Remus' help, had worked through the recipe as far as Slughorn had instructed them, the potion now having an even black color, Remus just could not help himself any longer. "You know," he started, "if James knew he even had the slightest chance of being with you, he would be throwing a party for a whole month. Maybe you should go on a date with him." Lily smiled sheepishly, hands crossed in her lap, "I know, but I want to wait for the right moment. Sometimes, Potter can be a real jerk, too." Remus had nothing to add to that. When he had stowed away his quill and wanted to get up, Lily grabbed the hem of his cloak to stop him.

"You should make a move on Black. He always acts so untouchable and distant, but in reality I think he's incredibly vulnerable and a true romantic," she smiled, "and he loves you Remus, he really does." Remus nodded; he knew that. _Just not in the same way I love him._ What a strange class this had been. Remus felt as if a weight had been taken off his shoulder on the one hand, but otherwise, as if a new one had been added. Almost funny that he and Lily were both in love with a Marauder. Remus was so preoccupied that, on his way to James' and Sirius' table, he had not even noticed the figure of Caius Avery. Crashing into him, the latter dropped his books on the floor.

"Hey Lupin," Caius railed angrily, „can you watch where you are fucking going?”

Remus bent down to help him collect the books. "Apologies, I seem to have overlooked you." Avery yanked the book out of his hand as if Remus had been trying to steal it. "Aren't creatures like you usually good at seeing things from a distance?" mocked Gaige Mulciber and his cold, dark eyes scrutinized Remus. "I don't know what you're talking about," Remus replied dismissively. Severus must have told his roommates about his discovery at the Shrieking Shack in fifth year. Just lovely. "Of course not, Lupin, should I spell it out for you?" spat Mulciber and peered amusedly into the faces of his friends. One of them began to howl. Suddenly, James, Sirius and Peter were at Remus' side. "I wouldn't talk so big about the art of spelling, my dear, didn't you fail your last OWL?" Sirius mocked in a provocative tone as he rested his arm on Remus' shoulder. Remus immediately felt better, although he did not like the situation at all. "Well, well, if it isn't our dream team," Severus Snape spoke up, “Potter and his disciples to the rescue.” Anger ran high in Remus. Why could Snape not just let it go?

"I see no reason why Remus should be rescued," Sirius said in bored breath, "except perhaps from your greasy hair, Snivellus, which is actually scary enough.” Remus would have laughed had the situation not been so tense. James tapped Sirius on the shoulder in approval, "Good one, Pads." They seemed to have hit a sore spot, as Severus first looked baffled and then became increasingly angry. “Fuck you, Black!” he spat, his eyes closed to small cracks.

Sirius laughed scornfully and rubbed his hands sensually over his hips. "You wish you could have a piece of my ass, Snivi." Mulciber clenched his fists, "Not everyone wants to consort with a bitch like you. You pure-blood shame!" Remus wanted to make Mulciber shut up, but he thought better of it. "Can we please all just calm down?" he proposed loud and clear. However, he also knew that the last words had flipped a lever within Sirius, something which was not easily blocked once called upon. "Listen to our Prefect, you little shits," James finally interfered. "Shut up, Potter," Snape's usually pale face was flushed, "your best friend, the fag, obviously has a lot to say." Before Remus could even react, Sirius had grabbed Snape by his tie. "You want to see this faggot kick your ass?" he said, grinning dangerously. Snape violently shoved him away whereupon Sirius gave him a good smack right on the cheekbone. Just when the situation started to escalate completely, Slughorn, who had stowed the Amortentia potion in the next room, intervened. “My dear boys, what is going on here?” he looked from the Slytherins to the Gryffindors, grimacing at Severus’ reddened cheekbone.

“Look at you, I am afraid you are worse than my fourth graders.” Mulciber wanted to say something but was cut off by Professor Slughorn. “I would not have expected this from you, Mr. Black, and certainly not from you," he glanced at Snape. "I think it will do you both good to help me clean the cauldrons on Thursday afternoon, after last period. Without magic, of course.” Severus' eyes widened as he realized what Slughorn proposed. "But Sir," he started in a whiny voice, "I didn't do anything. It's Black who can't pull himself together."

Slughorn shook his head, "A dispute always involves two or more parties, my dear Severus. Besides, I do not condemn you to classic detention, but believe it strengthens your relationship with Sirius if, during a practical task with a common goal, you spend time together without your friends." He smiled at the group, “This way, you both are an example for the younger years. Cooperative collaboration among the houses, if you will. And by the way, my next Slug-Club meeting is right afterwards, and you are, of course, both cordially invited." He patted Severus and Sirius on the back. "Now, better go and enjoy your break, we all need our rest after the fruitful lesson today." Remus knew exactly what Slughorn was up to. Severus was good at Potions and Sirius a son of the Black family; he was once again planning to lure them to his meetings. Unbelievable, the old professor never gave up.

Slughorn pushed the boys towards the exit, "And please, do not start that childish brawl again." With these words, they were left outside the Potions classroom. Snape looked at Sirius once more, his gaze so dark it could have killed, and then moved away from the Gryffindors, while his roommates did the same. As soon as the Slytherins disappeared around the corner, Peter spoke up. "Damn, that was getting heated," he looked at the ground, embarrassed.

"I can't believe Severus talked about Remus’ condition to Mulciber and Avery." Remus did not want to think about it, he could not imagine what would happen if they went public. Because of the lycanthropy, he did not have enough job opportunities as it was. "These pureblood maniacs have no morals, but I doubt they'll spread the word," James said in a calm tone.

"If that was their intention, they would have already done it two years ago.” Sirius moaned in annoyance and threw his head back, "I can't fucking believe I have to spend what could have been a perfect Thursday night in the presence of fucking Snivellus and Professor 'Why-Don’t-You-Join-My-Club-Mr.-Black'. Such a waste!"

Remus wished he had just moved on, after a brief apology, and would not have let it escalate like this with Avery. Sirius searched his pocket for his cigarettes and Remus could see his fingers trembling. He knew full well that it was not detention that made him so angry. Whenever anyone mentioned Sirius' family, he got like that. Especially now, since Mulciber had used the exact same expression that Sirius' mother had always thrown at him while he had still lived at Grimmauld place. "I hope Slughorn at least has gloves," Sirius sighed and took a drag from his cigarette, "Without gloves, I certainly won't touch these slimy cauldrons." Peter suddenly halted, "Oh no, McGonagall told me this morning at breakfast that we have our first dance lesson on Thursday after the last period." He looked at Sirius, "You'll be the only one of us to miss practicing the steps to the classical waltz." James grinned and poked Peter in the side, "I don't think we'll be able to waltz after just one dance lesson, Pete. Besides, Sirius and I are the kings of freestyle dancing." Remus chuckled; his inner eye could see what James meant.

"If you think I cannot dance a waltz, or any other classical dance for that matter, you know the noble and most ancient house of Black only poorly," Sirius replied, while a curl loosened from his bun and fell into his face. “You must be kidding!” James made a surprised face, “Why didn’t you tell us before, mate?“ Remus was also baffled.

Even after so many years, Sirius was still full of surprises. "Up until I was fourteen years old, Regulus and I were trained in classical ballet and ballroom," Sirius exhaled, "except during the times we spend in Hogwarts, of course." James whistled in appreciation, his lips curled up in a smile, “And here I thought you were naturally this graceful on the broom.” Sirius shook his head and elegantly lifted his chin, “As my dance teacher used to say: Gracefulness cannot be earned, it has to come from within.” The Marauders laughed about his imitation of the French accent, knowing that Sirius was fluent in Frech. Suddenly, Remus heard the unmistakable voice of Professor Flitwick, who came straight towards them. He carried a few sheets of music and an apple under one arm. "Mr. Black, are you smoking indoors?" he asked with an aghast look. Sirius hid the cigarette behind his back, “Of course not, dear Professor, I would never!” he said playfully and covered his mouth as if in shock. “Careful with that attitude my boy, it might get you in trouble,” responded Flitwick with a scrutinizing look.

“Well, today seems to be my lucky day,” exclaimed Sirius sarcastically, “for the sake of order and discipline in this castle, why don’t you just give me deten-“ Remus quickly reached forward and covered Sirius’ mouth with his hand. He was in enough trouble as it was. “Apologies Professor Flitwick, we will immediately step outside,” he said with a polite smile, pushing Sirius against the next wall in the direction of the nearest exit. The Professor did not seem entirely satisfied but continued his walk towards the Charms classroom.

“Wow, Moony,” Sirius said in a deep voice, his eyes hooded, when Remus held him against the wall to make sure Flitwick was gone, „don’t you think you should at least buy me dinner first?“

James rolled his eyes, “Let’s go outside.” When they arrived at the courtyard, Remus was grateful for the cold November wind and how it conveniently cooled the blush on his cheeks. “So, guys?” Peter began suddenly, “earlier was just not a good time to tell you because of the argument and the detention and everything, uh, but I asked Mary if she'd like to go to the ball with me during our partner work at Potions, and, well, she said yes." His little eyes were sparkling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> window prompt inspired by @lupinpettigrewblackpotter on tumblr


	3. Waltz into my Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first slightly smutty chaper, so watch out if that's not your thing.

Today's Thursday had been grey and rainy, and the sun had not shown itself once. Remus did not have a quiet minute the entire day - tomorrow was the night of the full moon and therefore the night of his transformation. Everything smelled too intense, when he entered the Great Hall for breakfast this morning, he immediately felt sick, and he had to put silencing charms over his sensitive ears at regular intervals to keep himself from going mad. He also had absolutely no appetite, not even his otherwise beloved chocolate, the one from Honeydukes, could change that. Thus, the distraction of Peter, who once again needed help with an essay, came in handy. Together they sat in the common room waiting for James and Sirius, who had both gone to Quidditch training despite the bad weather. James would have to be bandaged all over his body to miss out on his beloved Quidditch. Remus sighed, it was now almost sundown and the two of them had still not returned.

Sirius' detention with Slughorn and their first dance lesson would begin in under an hour. "Merlin, why are Flitwick's essays always such a hard nut to crack?" complained Peter, who, in his desperation, gnawed intently at the end of his wand. "You made good progress today, Pete," Remus replied with a warm smile, "tomorrow you'll be done with it too." Peter reached for the Acid Pop on the table, which he had placed over his teacup earlier. "You know, Remus, sometimes I think you'd make a really good teacher. You can explain everything so much better than good old Flitwick." Remus' eyes became sad, yet he grinned tiredly. A job as a professor would never come into question for him because of the lycanthropy. "I just don't understand how James and Sirius can be done with the essay already when they're always at Quidditch," Peter started pouting. "Those conceited pricks don't know how good they have it and what a good life it must be to understand everything at once." James, who had suddenly appeared behind them, cleared his throat. "Did someone say something about conceited pricks? Sounds like Sirius and I."

Remus turned his head to the door. His two friends were still wearing their sports clothes, both soaking wet. "I got worried you'd be washed away with the rain," Remus greeted them, "but looking at you now, I figure it was a close shot." Sirius made a disgusted face and plucked a piece of grass from his wet hair, "No conditioner in the world can make up for that." James began to laugh and wrung his Quidditch sweater all over Peter, who promptly leaped from the couch. "Sirius, you're such a diva sometimes. No wonder you attract such unwanted attention sometimes."

Remus frowned, "What happened?" Sirius looked around the room like he wanted to make sure no one was listening to them. “Fucking Styles touched my butt, that’s what happened,” he said with his voice lowered. Remus blinked in incomprehension. "Styles as in Bentley Styles, the one we talked about the other day?" Peter asked in astonishment. Sirius emitted an angry sound, "How many Styles are running around at Hogwarts, Peter? Yes, the very one." He shook his head and looked into the corner where Bentley had sat and watched them a few nights earlier, "James was right, he really does want to get into my pants." _Who doesn’t?_

Remus felt the wolf growl inside him but swallowed the feeling. "Styles is such a wanker, really," James said in an earnest tone of voice, "When we were changing, he was bragging about how gloriously he finally broke up with Clark Summer and that she would surely crawl back to him on her knees." Sirius snorted contemptuously, "I hope the good girl knows her worth and doesn't get involved with him anymore." He shuddered, “I'm certainly not going to be another notch in his bedpost.“ Peter nodded reinforcingly. "Especially as I'm no one for in-between affairs, but the main prize," said Sirius and tugged his hair back. Lost in thought, Remus curled his fingers around Sirius' wrist but abruptly retrieved them seconds later. "Merlin, you're colder than ice. Both of you better get in the shower before someone ends up dead." Sirius gave him a wry smile. "Besides, our dance class, and your detention Sirius, starts in half an hour." James pranced up the stairs and Sirius let his shoulders droop, "Here I go then, getting ready for Slughorn and Snapey. What a pity. Maybe I shouldn’t wash my hair. You know, to give Snape a taste of his own medicine."

Although Remus could no longer see James, he could feel him rolling his eyes due to the tone of his voice, “Don’t be such a drama queen, Pads!”

***

Remus felt like he was going to throw up at any moment now. Why did their dancing lesson have to be today of all days? He was very grateful to McGonagall that she let him sit down after a short demonstration of the steps. Everything was spinning in his head and the loud sounds of the other Gryffindors' shoes gliding across the floor made him gag. He had once again pretended to have a cold. His standard excuse. Honestly, his classmates must really think of him as a weakling with basically no immune system. He sighed, at least he had been able to persuade James before the lesson to finally ask Lily for a date to Hogsmeade and, who would have guessed it, of course she had said yes. Both danced together now. James' head was bright red, and the otherwise so self-confident Gryffindor gave Remus uncertain looks while his hand hovered over Lily's waist. Whenever James turned and Lily’s face was in Remus' field of vision, she winked at him.

He was happy for the two of them and was sure that Lily would agree to go to the ball with James after their date. The waltz melody was truly beautiful, unique even, and Remus was glad not to spoil it with his clumsy steps. On the far right of the room, Peter danced with Mary and Remus had to stop his chuckles, because neither of them were great dancers. They reminded him of an old married couple, which, frail by age, began to swing in front of the fireplace. Mary's sweet laughter echoed across the room from time to time, a sound Remus was only able to hear due to his condition. On the other side, Marlene McKinnon and Dorcas Meadowes danced together. Both women were incredibly good dancers and therefore stood out from the prancing crowd. Their steps were perfectly coordinated, synced from head to toe, and Remus had a feeling that they might have danced together before. When the next song began, both came towards him, hand in hand, and sat down as well. Dorcas breathed deeply, "Hot in here, isn't it?" She looked at him, "Feeling a little better, Remus?" He smiled at them both, "Yes, thank you, you know how it is with a cold." They both nodded and Dorcas looked happily into Marlene's eyes, "This one is so annoying when she is sick." They both held their glances until Marlene protested, "Don't listen to her, Remus, I wouldn't get sick in the first place if Dorcas didn't keep pulling the covers off me at night." Remus swallowed, they both had a liberating aura radiating around them. When Dorcas leaned forward and united her lips with Marlene's, Remus knew why. It seemed they were finally a couple. He had heard the rumors for some time but had hardly seen the two of them together until now. _How beautiful it must be to love each other freely._

After they terminated their kiss, Dorcas leaned back to Remus. "Who are you going to the ball with, if I may ask. Have you found someone yet?" He looked down, to be honest, he had not thought about it at all. "Unfortunately, no," he replied, shrugging his shoulders charmingly, "there hasn't been a chance to ask anybody yet." _Because you are too busy worshipping your best friend, that's why._ Dorcas snorted, "Sucks, doesn't it? Stupid heteronormative rules. Otherwise I would have taken Marlene.”

Remus swirled around, "Wait, what? You're not officially allowed to go to the ball together?" Marlene frowned, "I know, it's super unfair, right? Like keeping a tradition is more important than the love between two people." Sometimes, like right now, Remus also found the wizarding world to be highly retrograde. He gave them a pitiful look, but then a thought crossed his mind. "Wait a minute, I have an idea," he heard himself say, "If it's only the opening dance anyway, why don't we just go to the ball together?" The girls' eyes started to light up. "Do you mean with Sirius and you?" Marlene stammered happily, her hands placed in front of her chest in excitement. "Remus, you cannot imagine what a huge favor you would be doing us," Dorcas cheered and took his hand. "We would be eternally grateful and forever deeply in your debt," Marlene added with a grin. Remus beamed, the girls deserved to go to the ball together and if he could contribute in any way, he was only willing to do so. "Of course, I have to talk to Sirius first," the lycanthrope suddenly said, almost forgetting that he should not decide over his friend`s head. Since he could literally read Dorcas' question from her expression, he only added a quick "Detention with Slughorn". Dorcas sighed smilingly, "Black, the troublemaker. It would be a miracle, actually, if he didn't have a partner yet."

Marlene laughed, "Benjy Fenwick from Ravenclaw still doesn't talk about anyone else, and the two of them have been separated for quite a while now." Remus shivered at the name - he just could not hear it anymore. "In any case, let us know immediately what Sirius thinks about the idea, yes Remus?" Dorcas said emphatically and turned her gaze to the dance floor. The last melody had just died down and the couples began to disintegrate bit by bit.

Some hugged each other in farewell. McGonagall started to applaud, whereupon, much to Remus' chagrin, a loud clapping could be heard throughout the hall. Peter and Mary awkwardly shook hands, both smiling happily. Lily hugged James and Remus could have sworn he heart a small silent shriek escaping the captain’s mouth. Dorcas and Marlene stood up. "I would hug you, Remus, but I don't want to get the sniffles," Dorcas joked, rubbing his shoulder instead. "Feel hugged anyway, Remus, you have helped us a lot today," Marlene added with fond eyes and the two walked away, hand in hand. The conversation with the two of them had distracted him well but now that he was alone again and wanted to get up, he became slightly dizzy. Peter and James joined him. "Are you all right, Moons?" Peter asked softly, "somehow you still don't look any more resilient." James patted him on the back, "Remus just needs something decent to eat, then he'll be back on his feet in no time." Peter giggled, liking the idea, "I'm also starving. Let's have dinner early today."

They exited the classroom. James lowered his voice, "Lily was just saying that she's going to go downstairs and maybe we can conveniently sit with her." He rubbed his hands and grinned like a little boy, "Things between her and me have been amazingly good today and I might finally be onto something real." Remus cracked his fingers - he could not even think about eating right now. "I am sorry, but I'm still not feeling very well. Don’t let me stop you, though. I think I'll just lie down for a bit and then maybe come and join you lads later." He looked at James, encouraging, "And I'm really happy for you, Prongs, about Lily." When Remus wanted to take the stairs, James grabbed him by the shoulder, “Are you sure there isn’t anything we can do to make you feel better?” Remus sighted, sometimes wondering how he deserved his caring friends, “You will already do more than enough tomorrow. Trust me, I just need some rest.”

Remus' head was heavy and his limbs tired as he sank into his soft mattress. The dormitory was exactly where he wanted to be right now because it was quiet and almost without strong odors or visual stimuli. Remus closed his eyes and let his thoughts wander. He could hardly wait for the transformation to be over, because even if he would be in severe pain afterwards, everything was better than this semi-consciousness. Exhausted, he drifted off to a light sleep.

His eyes snapped open when he suddenly heard deafening rock music. Remus slowly straightened up from his bed and looked around in bewilderment. He seemed to have slept for a while as both his headache and dizziness had disappeared. At the window stood Sirius, a cigarette in his hand, mouthing the lyrics of the song. When Remus got up and accidentally bumped his foot against the bedpost, he spun around.

"Shit, Moony, I am sorry, I did not see you there," Sirius said guiltily and silenced the music with a flick of his wand. "How do you feel?" he asked in a concerned tone and sat down on the bed next to Remus. "Much better, I think the sleeping helped a bit," replied Remus and stretched himself, "before, almost nothing functioned anymore. Blasted lycanthropy, I could only watch the others throughout the entire dance lesson." Sirius leaned back on his bed, sighting,

"So we both sort of missed the dance class. Is Prongs at least one step closer to his goal of seducing Lily?" Remus _accio_ 'd his glass bottle to his side and took a big sip of water, "In fact, the two have a date on Saturday." Sirius' eyes widened joyfully, "I see, our sneaky bastard finally succeeded." Remus nodded. ”Speaking of sneaky bastards, how was your date with Severus?” he asked mockingly. "It was rather boring. Snapey and I barely spoke to each other but the bruise on his cheekbone looks even prettier now. I hope it will help him remember me for a long time." Sirius looked at his hands in disgust, "Of course, old Slughorn didn't have gloves, why should he? Cuticle strength is overrated." Remus uttered an awkward laugh, sometimes Sirius was just plainly adorable. Suddenly, he remembered his talk with Marlene and Dorcas. “I talked to Marlene McKinnon and Dorcas Meadowes earlier,” Remus started, unsure how to put it. "The sweet lovebirds?" Sirius interrupted and Remus looked at him in astonishment. "How do you know they are together?" Sirius licked his lips, slowly, "Queers recognize each other, you know?" Remus swallowed, why did Sirius' lips look so soft? "Anyway, the two of them asked me if we would like to take them to the ball. I guess it's not appropriate to dance as a same-sex couple on the opening dance."

Sirius started smiling, "Are you kidding? Of course we are going with them, there is no question. Definitely the best offer I've had all day." Remus scratched the back of his head; he had a bad premonition. "Did Benjy catch you outside Slughorn's classroom and asked you to go with him?", his voice was cold and without his usual friendly tone. "Correct!" lamented Sirius, "Ten points to Gryffindor! But I turned him down, stubborn ass." Remus could not believe this guy’s nerve. _How dare he come close to what is mine_. Sirius had meanwhile completely laid down on Remus' bed, his combat boots still on the ground, and was now about to undo his hair. The black strands fell on Remus' pillow and the Animagus, as if lost in thought, rolled a curl of hair around his index finger. The gesture looked so inviting that Remus temporarily forgot how to breathe. He could distinctly smell Sirius' perfume and it triggered a warm tingling in the pit of his stomach. The latter suddenly grabbed him by the wrist, "Moony, what do you think about the idea of us dancing together sometime?" His eyes were covered by the shadow of Remus' bedstead and therefore not easy to read. Remus swallowed hard, he could not imagine anything more beautiful. "You mean right now?" he asked embarrassed. "Why not, I have the perfect music," Sirius had rolled over to one side so he could look at him directly. Light-footedly, he swung to his feet and reached out his hand to Remus, "May I have this dance, Mr. Lupin?" Remus screamed internally. When he stood up and took Sirius' hand, panic flowed through him and he had to pull himself together to avoid stuttering.

"I must warn you, my dancing ability is a bit rusty." Sirius laughed as he recognized his inner struggle. "Relax, we're not going to do a classical waltz here, it's much too stiff for this occasion," his eyes locked with Remus' eyes, "I was thinking of something slower." Sirius pulled him into the middle of the room near the window, while Remus could hear his own accelerated breath, and directed his wand at the stereo. A slow power ballad began to play, Remus knew the song. _The pureblood son and his love for Muggle bands_.

"Actually, it would be better if I lead, but you're too tall for me, Moony," Sirius said with a charming smile, “so I’m happy to follow.” Slowly, he led Remus' right hand, still in his, to his waist. When his fingertips touched the fabric of Sirius' shirt, Remus’ vision blurred. Sirius' waist was narrow and warm and just perfect. The Animagus positioned himself in front of Remus and brought their bodies together in time with the music. "Ready?" he asked, his voice barely more than a whisper. Remus could only nod. Sirius' scent was now overwhelmingly strong, so intense that all his senses were focused solely on him. His sweet, divine aroma wafted through the cool air of the room and took Remus’ breath away. As the song became more familiar after a while and Remus got used to the steps, honestly, he had no idea how his body still worked, Sirius pulled him closer and rested his head on Remus' shoulder. Their steps began to sync. Whenever they would run through the forest, Sirius usually smelled like wet dog. But his human form smelt so entirely different. He consisted of a scent that represented freshly cut timber, like the damp forest after a rainy day; he smelt heavenly, sophisticated, like fresh-scented pine and honey.

His aroma was like a drug to him, he could not get enough of it. The lyrics of the song in the background matched Remus' feelings.

_And now it’s only fair_

_That I should let you know what you should know._

_I can’t live, if living is without you._

Slowly, he buried his nose in Sirius' raven black hair, which fell softly over his shoulders. His heart was beating so fast that even if Sirius could not hear it, he surely must have felt the vibrations through Remus' body. The werewolf could no longer restrain himself; his left hand disengaged from Sirius' dancing stance and moved across his body into the curve of his neck. When Remus' right hand acted as if by magic too and pulled Sirius' waist even closer to him, Sirius uttered a small gasp. It went straight through the wolf’s spine. He did not need to look down at himself to notice that his pants had become painfully tight. What was he doing here? Sirius was his best friend, and he was dangerously close to ruin their friendship forever. He wanted to say something, anything, but just a low "Sirius" escaped his lips and gave away his emotions. His friend lifted his head and looked him in the eyes, pupils entirely black. Remus wanted to drown in those eyes – he was completely lost in the breathless paradise of his dreams. Sirius placed a fingertip on Remus' lips and whispered softly, without breaking their eye contact, "Don't speak, let our bodies talk." And then, Remus smelled it, the sweet sensation of deep arousal, not from himself, this had been there before, but from Sirius. Merlin, what a bliss. Remus could no longer think straight, all thoughts blown away and replaced by pure emotion.

He brushed the black curls away and ran the thumb of his left hand over Sirius' neck, stroking his raging pulse. With a soft whimper, Sirius let his head fell to the side against Remus’ shoulder and exposed his neck even further. There it was, the sign of submission - a gesture the two canines knew only too well. Remus' mouth rapidly moved forward, halting inches from the delicate skin of Sirius' neck. If he moved forward now, there was no turning back. If he crossed that point, he would no longer be able to stop the wolf inside of him. Sirius quivered, his rib cage lowered and rose in fast strokes. _Getting desperate, aren’t we?_

Remus felt his own hot breath on Sirius’ skin. Now there was only one desire, one wish, and they both knew it was just a matter of time before it happened. Just a matter of time before Remus gave in and kissed him, bit him. He licked his lips and opened his mouth, baring teeth ready to mark the tender flesh.

The door to the dormitory was suddenly ripped open and Peter and James burst in, laughing loudly. Remus' brain needed a few seconds, but then he could react and switch again. He helplessly yanked Sirius close to him, pulling him into a very tight embrace, which so conveniently hid the evidence of their mutual arousal. Sirius just went along, still too spaced out to function. Fortunately, James and Peter were so engaged in their conversation that they did not even notice how Remus and Sirius had quickly changed their position. Remus thought of everything humanly possible to control his arousal, _Snape, Snape in a dress, stupid Benjy Fenwick._

"What's the matter with you?" James asked and frowned. "You're standing here in a semi-dark room listening to depressing music while you hug, is something wrong?" Peter interfered, "Is it still your _furry little problem_ , Remus? Sorry we were gone so long, honestly." _And here he was, wishing that they would leave again for the first time in his life._ When both gave no answer, still unable to articulate themselves, the boys became apprehensive. "Or did something happen in detention, Sirius?" James asked indignantly, "please don't tell me Snape has caused trouble again." Remus sighed, inwardly angry, "Nothing happened, folks. Sirius and I just talked about a few things and then," he swallowed, "then we shared a brotherly hug.” James did not look convinced at first, but finally smiled, "Well, if that's the case, let's have a group hug, we haven't had one in years."

He and Peter wrapped their arms around Remus and Sirius, and Sirius looked like he wanted to die within the depths of Remus' sweater. After a few minutes, James let go of them, "That was refreshing! But Sirius, I actually wanted to tell you something," he smiled jollily, "Mum sent us our robes for the ball. There's a long letter for you too, you really are her favorite son." He dragged Sirius with him, down to the common room and Remus had to sit down on his bed again. A hot shower was exactly what he needed right now.

The communal shower was completely empty, as could be expected at this time of day. Nevertheless, Remus went into one of the cabins, which were equipped with privacy screens, he did not want to be seen or disturbed. _Not with what he was about to do_. When the warm water of the shower head hit his skin, Remus flinched, on edge since his friends had burst in earlier. The soothing warmth of the water ran over his head and made its way over his entire body, tracing his shoulders, his stomach, and his legs. He got goose bumps. His back leaned relaxed against the cold tiles of the bathroom and he let his thoughts wander. Back to his moment with Sirius, back to their dance. Sirius' words echoed in his ears: _Don't speak, let our bodies talk_. The man had felt so insanely good, so willing, so aroused. Remus would do anything to relive that moment once more. To smell once more the beguiling scent of Sirius' hair and to run his hand over his pulse. To bite down on his neck and leave bruises. Pure bliss! O what he would have done to Sirius had Peter and James not disturbed them. Would Sirius have begged for it? Most certainly!

He could not imagine how beautiful Sirius looked when he lay naked and wanton, spread out on the bed before him. Just for him. Remus thought of Sirius' little moans and whimpers, how they would change once Remus was on top of him. Sirius would be loud; Remus was sure of that. Everything Sirius did was loud. He was so flushed now, so messed up and all because of his best friend. His hand accelerated its movements and he imagined that it was Sirius' mouth instead. His perfect little mouth with those soft lips. He would be so good for Remus, would please him so eagerly, and Remus would reward him as best as he could. His skin started to tingle; he was so damn close. Merlin, Sirius would look so exquisite in bed, face flushed, head thrown back, dark brows scrunched. That was too much, Remus leaned his forehead against one of the white tiles and uttered a choked moan while experiencing the most intense orgasm of his life. After slowly coming down from his high, he washed himself thoroughly and turned the water cold, feeling suffocating shame running through him. What had he done? Youthful carelessness combined with the wolf’s drives had overpowered him. The lycanthrope prayed that their little interaction did not change anything in their friendship. He could not bear to lose Sirius, ever.


	4. Starlight of my Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Towards the end it gets quite sexual. Watch out for mentioning of non-con sex in the middle part.

***

Today was the 17th of December and the eagerly awaited Christmas ball was just around the corner. The professors had been decorating the Great Hall all week and during today's lunch, the hall had already been bathed in a golden glow, festive and impressive. A gigantic Christmas tree stood next to the large stage that Dumbledore had set up behind the now smaller teacher's table. Two magical bands were invited as special guests, _London Panic_ and the _Screaming Dolls_ , both rock bands. Almost all the students of the fifth, sixth and seventh grades had not gone home to their families yet, because hardly anyone wanted to miss this event. Some younger students stayed as well, just to get a look at the festivities. Even the teachers seemed to be happy, McGonagall had not given them any homework for the last week and in Slughorn's lesson they had brewed sobering potions which, as Slughorn said, many of them could certainly use well tonight.

Remus smiled sheepishly as he buttoned up his fancy black jacket and looked at himself in the dormitory mirror. He could not remember the last time he had looked so noble and well made up. His mother had really picked out a nice suit for him. The jacket was black with a grey collar and a narrow tie, in addition he wore a nice cloak, also black, its material many times thicker and more riche than that of his school uniform. He had just polished the black patent leather shoes again. James had got dressed half an hour ago and now waited for Lily in the common room. His friend had been exited throughout the whole day, eager to go out with Lily again, because last time, during their date in Hogsmeade, the two had shared their first kiss. Since then, James' euphoria was almost uncontrollable and, except for the Quidditch match against Ravenclaw, which they won a week ago, he spoke of nothing else. Peter sat on his bed and tried to make his hair look more voluminous by using a trick Sirius had shown him. His suit was also neat, brown with a coarsely knitted cloak and white shoes. The only thing that did not match his outfit was Peter's bow tie, which was bought by his mum and clearly looked too colorful and childish. Remus smiled, Peter's mother had always been like that, she just could not let go of her little ‘Sweetness’, as she called Peter still. "Gold or black?" Sirius asked abruptly and came from the bathroom back into the dormitory. _Sirius_.

After their little _moment_ three weeks ago, they did not have an explanatory conversation. Instead, it had been a bit strange between them for a few days, they could hardly look each other in the eyes, but then, everything was the same as before.

Remus did not know whether that was good or bad but was just grateful that he had not lost Sirius as a friend. Nevertheless, small moments lasted between them that had not been there before their dormroom-dance. Their gazes now held longer, as did smaller touches between them. It was quite maddening not knowing where they stood. All Remus wanted to know was if it had meant anything to Sirius. But he did not dare to confront his friend. "I beg your pardon," he asked, when Sirius had already waited too long for an answer. "Do the gold or the black earrings go better with my outfit?" he verbalized again. Remus looked at him _as if he had not done so before_.

Sirius wore a dark red velvet jacket and tight black suit trousers, which so sinfully underlined his slender legs, combined with black wingtip oxfords. His hair was intricately braided, Lily had helped him with it. Two braids were braided close to his head and led from each side of his temples to the back. The rest of his hair was tied in the middle of his head, twisted, and left loose, falling down his shoulders. The hairstyle reminded Remus of a Norse warrior, but by Sirius' appearance it rather radiated the aura of a Victorian vampire. "Gold," he and Peter said simultaneously. "Wow, that was easy, what's wrong with black?" Sirius replied in a playfully offended manner. "Black is a dick," yelped Peter and laughed out loud, amused by his own joke. Sirius rolled his eyes and put on the golden earrings. He looked from Peter to Remus, "Ready to go?" Both nodded and Peter took a deep breath. Remus knew that he was worried about the dance and put a comforting hand on his shoulder, "There will be so many couples in the Great Hall, you won't stick out at all. Besides, today is more about the fun and not about perfect dance moves.”

Mary, Marlene and Dorcas were already waiting for them in front of the stairs to the dormitory. Mary wore her blonde hair in a pinned-up hairstyle and a sparkling high-necked dress embraced her delicate form. She smiled and waved at them. Dorcas and Marlene wore the same long dress in different colors and Remus thought the idea was kind of cute. They had probably bought it together. Dorcas whistled approvingly as Sirius stretched out his arm, "I never thought I'd be going to a ball with Sirius Black in the flesh." She took his arm after he kissed the back of her hand. "Darling, there are many firsts in life," Sirius winked at her. Marlene ran her hand over the breast pocket of Remus' suit, "Wow, Remus you look absolutely stunning. Like a true gentleman." She paused and jokingly looked over at Dorcas, "Maybe I am bisexual after all." The latter just gave her a look of disbelief. Remus looked at Marlene from head to toe, her dress was really pretty. "Likewise!" he said appreciatively, and everyone laughed. He quickly realized his mistake and clarified the misunderstanding, "Well, I mean the part about the good looks." His ears turned slightly red. Sirius sighed, "What a pity!" and Remus did not know, whether it was a joke or genuine. Arriving at the entrance area of the Great Hall, the three couples were welcomed by James and Lily, who had just finished practicing their dance again. Holding each other's hands, both came towards them.

"You all look gorgeous," said Lily with big eyes as she looked around. "James has already told me that he has seldomly seen you all looking so handsome. Except you, of course, Sirius." Sirius smiled and patted James on the back in a gesture of gratitude.

"Today we're celebrating our departure from Hogwarts in a way, too, so we're going to enjoy the evening to the fullest, right?" James asked the group with sparkling eyes. "You betcha!" cried Dorcas and Marlene simultaneously. "Speaking of which," Dorcas began with impish lips, "I pulled some strings at Hogsmeade and got these." She fumbled her fingers inside her magically enlarged purse and pulled out a few small bottles. "Are those fire whiskey shots?" Peter asked curiously. "Exactly! Not just the normal ones, but with a little extra ingredient," Dorcas winked at the group. Remus preferred not to know what else had been added to the alcohol. "You're the best, girl" said Sirius and handed out the bottles to everyone.

The liquid shone brown gold in the light of the big chandelier. "Are you going to drink that now?" Peter protested in a lowered voice, looking around, "Right before our dance?" James' eyes flickered to Lily as if to make sure she would not object. But as she continued to smile, James giggled. "Relax, Wormy, if we all drink this now, they won't even notice. It also helps to lighten the mood while dancing." They brought their opened bottles together and toasted, "To Hogwarts!" The drink tasted like whiskey with a hint of sweet vanilla, and Remus fervently hoped the substance would not interfere with his lycanthropy. In a week's time, the wolf' would emerge again. Peter made a grimace and shuddered with disgust. Mary, too, did not look particularly delighted. Everyone else was smiling. Before another crazy idea could come up, Professor McGonagall waved them over. She was also wearing a festive dark green robe. " You all make very lovely couples," she said, stroking nostalgically over James' shoulder.

"I can still recall the first time you all walked through those gates, so many years ago." Her eyes became slightly moist and Remus wondered if it was because of them or if McGonagall was getting emotional about all of her graduating students.

"It is always hard to see how fast your fosterlings are growing up," she blinked to hide her tears. Sirius put his arms around her, "We love you too, Minnie!" McGonagall shook her head and a semi-indignant "Mr. Black!" escaped her lips. Yet she returned his embrace briefly. "Come now, the opening ceremony will begin in a few minutes." Professor McGonagall led the group into the Great Hall, just as she had done seven years ago. Remus remained astounded. Their hall was almost unrecognizable.

The floor was all polished and white, like an ice rink and the enchanted ceiling allowed artificial snow to fall, which melted quickly halfway on its way down. Instead of the otherwise longer tables, round group tables were set up and the middle of the hall was magically enlarged and now housed a huge dance floor with a connection to the stage on which _London Panic_ had already set up their band equipment. The fireplaces at the sides of the hall were decorated with ornate garlands, which gave the room a cozy atmosphere. Above the stage floated a gigantic banner, presenting Hogwarts, illuminated in the four house colors. "Wow!" Dorcas gushed out, looking up, "Dumbledore really went all out." Lily tapped the heel of her shoe carefully on the floor, as if she thought it to be real ice, “Totally amazing!” They chose one of the group tables and deposited their things there. "Luckily, it's not so warm in here," Peter said, fiddling with his bow tie, "under those thick cloaks you start sweating incredibly fast." After a short opening speech by Dumbledore and a few words of thanks to the hard-working helpers who had decorated the hall, the four housemasters McGonagall, Slughorn, Sprout and Flitwick initiated the dance with a joined spell that made gold sparks fly across the room. Remus grabbed Marlene's waist and positioned himself in the classical waltz position. Although standing a few meters away from him, he could hear Peter's teeth chattering. The poor man was really not made for an audience. The fifth and sixth years had gathered around the dance floor, watching in fascination.

As the orchestra's music started to play, the crowd of couples moved in a fluid rhythm. Remus had previously practiced with Marlene and was therefore finally able to concentrate on his surroundings and the music instead of the correct steps. After a few minutes, McGonagall and Dumbledore also joined the dance as a couple and were greeted with loud applause. Marlene looked at Remus, cheeks pink with happiness, and Remus was fortunate having fulfilled her and Dorcas' wish. He looked over to Marlene's better half and was surprised that Dorcas and Sirius had switched places amidst the music. While he had led her traditionally at first, he now took on the role of the lady. Both were breathtaking dancers and stood out from the crowd with their slightly faster steps and their self-integrated elements such as turns and short lifts. Sirius had not lied when he mentioned how strict his family's dance instruction had been. Simply a feast for the eyes, but the music was over before Remus had seen enough.

A wild clapping and cheering went through the Great Hall and the couples, relieved and joyfully, fell around each other's necks. Marlene, too, embraced Remus heartily and over her shoulder, Remus could see Lily giving a little kiss to the blushing James. But before she removed her arms from Remus, she whispered softly into his ear: "You should take the first step, Remus. Show him how much he means to you today." Remus scratched the back of his head. Was anyone at this school able to tell that he was in love with Sirius? Was it so obvious? He gave Marlene an innocent smile and pulled her back to the group table. Mary and Peter had already toasted with a glass of champagne. "Does anybody notice any effects from the fire whiskey?" Dorcas asked when their squad was complete again. Remus did some soul-searching; to be honest he did not feel anything. "Not really," James replied, sipping from one of the wine glasses that had already been placed on the table. "What a pity, the stuff wasn’t exactly cheap, and the guy assured me that things would go wild," Dorcas sulked disappointed. "Don't be sad, darling!" Sirius had fetched two big bottles of vodka from the bar, "We still have plenty of choice here." Remus sighed; he might as well expect the worst.

After some time and a terrific show by _London Panic_ , the _Screaming Dolls_ started to play, and the dance floor filled with people after the break. Some die-hard fans had squeezed themselves into the first row. Their music was rough, rocky and filled with melodramatic sequences. As if Dumbledore had chosen them especially for Sirius. The latter had also immediately disappeared onto the dance floor with James; Remus could see them jumping up and down with drinks in their hands. Crazy bastards. Peter and Mary were just helping themselves at the buffet. Remus leaned on the table with his elbow and rubbed his temples, he was slightly dizzy. They all had more than a few drinks already and his lycanthropy was starting to show itself again. "Not dancing with them?" Lily suddenly asked, just coming back from the toilet. "I think that would be too much of a treat," Remus replied sarcastically, but in a gentle tone. She nudged him in the side, "I don't mean because of the music or the dancing itself, but because of you-know-who." Remus smiled tiredly, Lily simply never gave up. Ever since the two of them had confessed their secrets to each other through Amortentia weeks before, Lily was always keen to remind him of every chance he might have with Sirius. "I think this is hopeless," Remus said, taking a sip of his mixed drink, "nothing has happened between us since our dance three weeks ago, and I can't imagine Sirius being interested in me." Lily rolled her eyes, "Remus, don't you see the signs?"

She sat down beside him. "Listen, earlier, when I was helping Sirius with his hair, he said my hands were as warm as yours. Why would he remember your hands? And then, later on, he even said that I should braid a special kind of braid because you once said that it looked good on him. Don't you see that?" Lily chuckled, "Sirius is definitely more than just interested in you. The mere fact that he has consistently rejected all potential relationships or even quick flings over the past few months is a dead giveaway. As physical as he usually is." Remus curled his fingers around his glass, he had noticed that too.

"But why does nothing ever happen between us?" Remus asked, opening up, now completely willing to receive relationship tips from Lily. The redhead frowned, "I think he's just scared that you're straight, honestly." She laughed out loud. "Maybe he interpreted your dancing in November as a rejection because you didn't talk about it afterwards and took it as confirmation that you're probably not interested in men."

Remus swallowed. When Lily put it that way, it made sense. "But Sirius flirts with everyone and everything, why should I be anything special?" Lily rolled her eyes again, "Because he only steals your sweaters and puts them on, because he only hugs you longer than necessary, and because he constantly creates situations where James and Peter just happen not to be around.” Remus’ breath faltered. Lily was right. Sirius made flirtatious remarks to everyone, but he was the only one the Animagus constantly touched. Even in situations that were not particularly inviting. Remus had always interpreted it as a friendship thing, but maybe there was more to it. He clenched his hand on the table in a fist. "Okay, so you think I have a chance with him?” he asked Lily, slightly agitated. "Absolutely!" she shot out, "why don't you just go out on the dance floor and have some fun, see what happens?" Remus was almost embarrassed that he, usually smart and sneaky, even had to be given that suggestion. "Who's having fun?" James suddenly tapped from behind and grabbed the back of Lily's chair. "All of us, obviously. Don't you feel like dancing anymore?" Lily asked him, almost disappointed. "Of course I want to dance, that's why I came here, to lure you onto the dance floor," he sighed, "Sirius is too busy at the moment and it's no fun alone."

What James meant by this became clear to Remus when he looked back at the stage.

Sirius was still passionately dancing. Only not alone.

Behind the Animagus, with his hands on Sirius' hips, stood Bentley Styles. "No way!" mouthed Lily, eyes wide open in shock. "I know!" James replied, "I thought stupid Bentley wasn't Sirius’ type, but sometimes even I can be wrong." Remus felt a lump in his throat he could not swallow. Suddenly, he no longer felt like celebrating at all. Even from a distance, he could see Styles whispering in Sirius' ear and him laughing sensuously. His hand went over Sirius' hip and now rested on his bottom. Remus could no longer watch, he felt sick. Lily glanced over to him and stroked his hand, "I'm so sorry, Remus, I didn't mean to." He did not listen to her properly, instead filled his glass with vodka and emptied it in one gulp. Then he stood up. "Everything okay, mate?" James asked him, but Remus was already on his way to the exit. He had to be alone now.

Once in the bathroom, Remus gripped the edge of the sink with both hands and closed his eyes. _How could Sirius do that to him?_ And, to make matters worse, right when he was finally ready to make the first move. Angry, he left the tap running and splashed the cold drops onto his face. His insides seethed with rage. Behind him, someone came out of the toilet, but Remus could not care less. His knuckles turned white as he clawed tightly into the edge of the porcelain. As much as he hated his lycanthropy, at the moment, he wished he could lose control for once, to transform the mental pain into physical one. Who did Sirius think he was? Styles was far below his standard. Remus made an angry sound and the person behind him left the bathroom immediately. He still saw the images of Sirius with Styles in his mind's eye, as if it had been burned into his retina. All Styles, the disgusting pig, wanted was a quick shag with Sirius. His body trembled and then the rage came over him so hard that he smashed his fist into the bathroom's wall mirror. It shattered with a loud crack, covered the floor and the inside of the sink with broken pieces of glass. Remus looked at himself in the reflecting debris.

Perhaps this was his fate, being alone, eternally doomed to obey the monster within himself. Or had he already become the monster? He did not know anymore. After a few minutes, his pulse calmed down and he realized that the action had achieved nothing. With a quick _Reparo,_ the mirror reassembled itself flawlessly. If only it were as easy with a broken heart as well.

Indecisive, whether to go back to the others or to the dormitory, Remus stepped outside through the back entrance of the hall. The cool night air felt like a blessing in his sinuses. Since he had little desire to stand next to the kissing couples at the entrance, he went down the stairs into the courtyard. A little walk would do him good. Although he only occasionally smoked himself, he now wished for nothing more than a cigarette. The burning feeling in his throat that would show him that he was still alive. The night sky was particularly clear and cold, and Remus tightened the collar of his cloak around his neck. Despite the thick fabric, he was shivering. He had just arrived at the end of the steps and was thinking about walking to the black lake, when he suddenly stumbled over something. Someone. It was so dark that Remus spoke a quick _Lumos_ to be able to see at all.

What he saw stunned him. On the last step of the stairs sat Sirius and gave him a confused look.

"What the hell?" he heard himself say. Sirius could barely keep his reddened eyes open and his eyelids were lowered deeply. But much worse was that he was not wearing his cloak or jacket but was sitting on the floor only dressed in a rolled-up shirt. His friend was shaking heavily, could hardly hold the cigarette in his hand, but made no effort to get up. Remus no longer understood the world. Had Bentley abandoned him? "What are you doing here, Sirius? Are you trying to freeze to death?" Remus asked anxiously and took off his cloak to put it over Sirius' narrow shoulders. At the sound of his name, Sirius began to giggle. "Moony," he slurred, "Moony, I needed some fresh air, too many people." His voice was completely different. It sounded distant and faint. Remus sat down beside him, "And where are your clothes?" Sirius's head fell on his shoulder immediately. "Clothes? What clothes? Moony, I think we should all walk around naked, you know, without clothes, especially you, just free and alive!" He literally screamed the last word. Remus took Sirius' pulse; it was rapid and erratic.

He could not have been drinking that much alcohol in such a short span. "Everything hurts, Moony," Sirius suddenly complained, "I don't feel well, not at all well." Remus had severe difficulty understanding him, as his words came out so slurred. "Have you been drinking anything special?" Remus asked and gently turned Sirius' head towards him by his chin to look inside the man’s eyes. Sirius was clearly not only under the influence of alcohol but on drugs. He just giggled again, "I want to kiss you too, Moony!" As nice as the statement was, Remus remained focused and gently patted his cheek.

"Hey, have you been drinking anything? Anything you didn't fetch yourself?" he said more forcefully. Sirius made a tense face, as if the question overstrained his thinking capacity. "Bentley mixed me a drink. His special drink or some bullshit. Wasn't worth it. Super gross." All the red flags were ringing in Remus' head. _Bentley couldn't have, no, but what if?_ Suddenly, Sirius' head spun to one side and he threw up in the grass by the stairs. Remus held him tight, stroked his hair out of his face.

He himself was now completely sober. After a few minutes, Sirius had calmed down and fell into Remus' arms, breathing hard. He spoke a quick cleaning charm on Sirius' mouth. When the music suddenly got louder, Remus heard that someone joined them outside. He turned his head, careful not to irritate Sirius, and looked at the door. There he stood. Bentley Styles. Remus had a bad feeling about this, but he needed to know what had happened. "Hey, Styles?" the lycanthrope shouted up the stairs. Bentley looked down at him in bewilderment, but then stepped down the stairs with a casual grin. "Keeping my birdie warm, Lupin?" he spoke in an arrogant tone when he saw Sirius in Remus' arms. "Very funny," replied Remus, his hand tightened around the material of his own cloak that lay over Sirius' shoulders, "what did you give him?" Bentley laughed softly, a scornful entitled laugh. "Relax, Lupin, I just gave him a little something to ease him along. You know, to make him a little more willy-nilly." Remus' heartbeat quickened while the same rage he had been feeling earlier pumped through his veins. "Meaning what exactly?" he asked in a cold tone of voice.

Bentley licked his lips. "Oh, you know, Lupin, they sell a lot of things in Hogsmeade," he raised his eyebrows, "fluid Doxy eggs, too." Remus could not believe his ears. Did Bentley really spike Sirius' drink? With something as hard as doxy eggs? "And you put these in his drink, are you out of your mind?" Remus was beside himself now, his hands trembling. "They're not dangerous, I've used them on Clark many times in the past and she never complained. To be fair, most of the time she couldn't do that anymore," Bentley ran his fingers through her hair, laughing, "but the sex was always great afterwards." Remus jumped to his feet. The rage seemed to explode inside him. "How dare you?" he yelled at Bentley, and the Gryffindor looked very surprised. "Does he have something going on with you too, Lupin? Is that why you're angry? I should've known this little bitch wasn't honest."

When Bentley started laughing again, Remus punched him in the face with full force, right on the nose. Bentley screeched, staggered back, holding his aching nose. "What the fuck, Lupin?" Remus no longer controlled himself but let the beast inside him run free. He grabbed Bentley by his tie and punched him in the face again. This time he could hear his nose break. His opponent bent over in pain and leaned forward, the blood from his nose dripping into the white snow beneath him.

"Are you out of your mind?" cried Bentley at the top of his lungs, his voice filled with pain. Remus slowly walked towards him and tore him up by his jacket until they were at eye level again. His face was now only inches away from Styles'. "Listen to me!" the wolf began in a rumbling voice that he did not recognize from himself, "If you ever come close to him again, if you ever even look at him the wrong way, you will wish you had never been born. I mean it." Bentley's face was covered in fear, and Remus could have sworn he could feel the fangs of the wolf. "Did you hear me?" Remus asked slowly and clearly. Bentley just nodded and squirmed under Remus' firm grip. "Now get out of here or I swear to God you'll regret it." As soon as his hands let go of the fabric of Bentley's jacket, the man stumbled back and ran away, staggering, without looking back once. Remus took a deep breath and forced himself to let the wolf go on an exhale. It worked. He felt like himself now. He was immediately at Sirius' side again, who had watched the spectacle in a twilight state. The cigarette in his hand had long gone out.

"Wow Moony, did you just beat up Bentley Styles? That was damn sexy", Sirius' voice was still dazed but much less distorted. Probably the throwing up had done its bit. Remus just nodded, matter-of-factly, he did not feel like thinking about this guy anymore. He put his arm around Sirius instead. "Do you think we'll have to take you to the infirmary or are you going to be okay?" Sirius looked at the sky. "I'll be fine as long as you're by my side." His voice was dreamy and Remus' heart fluttered. _So his friend did not dance with Bentley in his right mind_. "Let's go to bed, then, shall we?"

Remus slowly pulled Sirius up, "I've still got a sobering potion from Slughorn in our dorm and I'm sure it will help with some of the doxy eggs' effects as well. You'll have to sleep the rest off though." As Sirius stood, Remus realized it would be impossible for him to walk to the dormitory. He swayed back and forth, despite them standing still, and had to hold on to Remus for the most part. "This won't work," Remus exclaimed. "Would you be all right if I carried you?" He could not believe that he had just suggested this himself, but the evening had drained him, and he was too tired to think of anything else. Sirius let himself fall into his arms while Remus picked him up. "Carry me, my prince." His friend weighed next to nothing and Remus wondered if he was really that light, or if a side effect of the alcohol or lycanthropy was affecting his perception. Maybe he had just become stronger himself, the evening was full of surprises after all.

Hardly anyone paid any attention to them on their way through the entrance area of the Great Hall, because most of them had either already left, were too drunk, still dancing or making out in various corners of the castle. Sirius was now so calm that Remus thought he had fallen asleep in his arms. Arriving at their dormitory, Remus was relieved to find that James and Peter had not yet returned. He set Sirius down on his bed and began to work open his braids, stroking through the soft hair. _The last time he had done this was in November_. Sirius was now conscious again and eagerly drank the sobering potion that Remus had prepared for him. "How do you feel?" Remus asked softly and sat down on his bed as well. "Much better," Sirius replied and his voice was now almost clear, "I just can't believe that fucking Bentley ruined my evening like that. I'm sorry I dragged you into this, Moony." He caressed Remus' hand. "You couldn't help it. No need to apologize." Remus could not imagine what would have happened if he had not found Sirius. Sirius shuddered, "Fucking rapist, I think I need a shower." He loosened his tie and started unbuttoning his shirt.

"Can you manage to take a shower alone?" Remus asked anxiously, immediately realizing that the question was quite intimate. He blushed and Sirius laughed, sweet and charming, "I think I won’t drown, thanks. Unless you want to join me." _What an offer_.

In the end they both showered separately, Remus thought it was more appropriate and to be honest, he was afraid of what the sight of Sirius' naked body would do to him. When he returned, coming from the bathroom back into the dormitory in his fresh clothes, Sirius was already in bed. Just not in his own one. He had fallen asleep on Remus' bed, his wet hair leaving damp spots on the pillow. The sight of him was so peaceful, so calming that Remus was unable to wake him. Slowly, he walked towards his friend and stroked a curl from his face. Under the touch of his fingers, Sirius subconsciously snuggled himself even more into his pillow.

Remus sighed, should he simply lie down next to him? Or should he just sleep in Sirius' bed instead? It would probably have been more appropriate if Remus had just laid down in the empty bed, but his conscience did not allow any further deception. He could no longer go against what he really wanted. So, without further ado, he closed the bed curtains, crawled into bed with Sirius and pulled the thick eiderdown over both of them. Sirius' body relaxed instantly and sought contact with Remus. He was warm and welcoming. The scent of his freshly washed hair was now incredibly strong, and Remus took a deep breath to preserve it for eternity in his mind. He knew it was wrong, but he only wanted one evening. Just this once, feeling Sirius's closeness without worries, without shame. In an instant, he wrapped one arm around Sirius and, after extinguishing all lights with a flick of his wand, immediately fell into a deep and restful sleep. However, it did not last very long.

Remus awoke by a soft whimper. He oriented himself through the light of the moon that shone through a gap in the curtains and was shocked to discover that he was not alone in his otherwise familiar bed. Then, however, he quickly remembered last night and why Sirius Black, of all people, lay next to him. The Animagus seemed to be having a nightmare, tossing and turning with a slightly frowned brow. For Remus, this was not an unusual sight. Unfortunately, before Sirius' retreat from home, the Marauders had often shared restless nights because of Sirius' vivid dreams, during which they then took turns to calm him down. His nightmares had often degenerated into panic attacks in the wakefulness that followed, and usually only Remus had been able to stabilize him again. To put his mind to peace. But since their sixth year this had happened less and less. Remus began to stroke Sirius' hand, gently, because his goal was to wake him as carefully as possible to avoid subsequent panic. Sirius' fingers cramped around his own, while his eyelids twitched wildly. Remus took his other hand and reached for Sirius' forehead; he was soaked with sweat. Slowly, he began to shake his friend. "Sirius"? Sirius, can you hear me?" Remus knelt in bed, facing him. With a choked breath, Sirius shot up and opened his frightened eyes.

Remus held him by the shoulders, "Hey, take it easy, are you okay?" he asked in a calm voice. Sirius first looked around in fear but then focused on Remus' face. "Moony?" he asked in a tentative voice.

"I'm here, Pads. You had a nightmare, but you're okay now," Remus whispered, relieved that Sirius had woken up so easily. _He had quite different memories of more severe nights in the back of his mind._ Sirius let himself fall back into the mattress and exhaled with relief, "What a nightmare! I can't remember the last time I dreamt so realistically," he rubbed his eyes as if he wanted to wipe away the vision of his dream. Remus stroked his knee, comforting, "Do you want to talk about it?" Sirius nodded slowly and looked up at the ceiling, "I was locked in a cell, a kind of dark dungeon, with cold, damp stone walls and-" he swallowed, "and there was nothing but darkness, nothing but desolation and loneliness and no matter how loud I screamed, no one heard me." He reached for Remus' hand. "The darkness suffocated me, I felt as if I was only capable of feeling sadness and anger. No happiness, no hope, just a big, black, empty nothing." He stopped and stared. His description gave Remus the creeps.

After a short pause in silence, Remus lay down next to him, "It was only a dream. Dreams may seem very real to us sometimes, but in the end, we are stronger than them. We can wake up and forget." Sirius placed the head on Remus' chest - it was only now that he realized that the two were quite close, even for friends. His pulse began to quicken. "You're right," Sirius whispered, his voice more confident again, "if anyone has experiences with bad dreams and how to get rid of them, it's me. Besides, you wouldn't let anything happen to me, would you, Moony?" Remus gave him a kiss on the head, "Never!" Then the shock went through him. _When did he become so intimate with Sirius?_

The Animagus seemed to be asking himself the same question and Remus could almost hear him smile.

"Tell me, have I missed something?" his voice sounded amused. "Not that I'm complaining, I would never complain about that, but why are we lying in your bed, cuddled together, acting like we've been married for ten years?" Sirius leaned on one elbow to look Remus in the eyes.

Remus shuddered. How could he ever plausibly explain this? "I figured you'd rather not sleep alone after what happened at the ball," Remus said in a hesitant voice. Sirius let out a quiet laugh and rolled over onto his stomach. "You made the right call, thank you," he freed his legs from the blanket, "For a short moment I thought we shagged." Remus snorted in embarrassment, the words sparkling a fire inside him. "No," he replied awkwardly and uncertainly, "no, we just fell asleep together. Nothing more." Sirius now reared up beside him. Remus could hear him wet his lips. "Would you like more?" The question came unexpectedly, suddenly, and Remus hissed to draw some air. He had not been prepared for this. "Come again?" he asked and uncovered himself, suddenly it was way too hot. "I don't know about you," Sirius began to speak in a tone of voice Remus did not recognize, "but I can't think of anything else since November." His voice was husky and enveloped Remus' heart like sweet honey. He had moved closer to his body, words like hot mist against Remus' ears. "We never talked about it, but I would have gone so much further if Peter and James hadn't disturbed us." Remus' heart was now beating in a double rhythm. He could not believe what Sirius had just revealed to him. "What was it you wanted to do?" Remus asked, voice low, unable to understand where this sudden confidence came from. Sirius' breathing quickened and he giggled seductively, "I think you know what I mean, Moony." Remus no longer felt like talking in allusions and metaphors. He had wasted too much time trying to figure out what Sirius might have meant. Trying to understand.

"Too bad, because I need you to say it," he said rawly, lustfully.

Sirius chuckled softly and his sounds were saccharine in Remus' ears. He came even closer, his mouth now only inches away from Remus' face, "After our dance in November, I wanted you to make me yours,” he paused, breathing hard, “and I still do." _Holy shit!_ Remus lost control of his body when the excitement paralyzed his brain. His arms grabbed Sirius, pressed him into the mattress, then their lips slammed together. Sirius' lips were so different from all the people he had kissed before. They were not shy and innocent, but hot, like a tease, passionate expertise emanating from them. Earlier kisses were sweet and cheerful, but this one was sloppy and wet, overwhelming, like the fireworks that raged in Remus' soul. Sirius kissed demandingly, dominant; yet quietly pleading to be devoured by Remus.

It was all too much and never enough. His mouth was so warm, the caress of his lips softer than Remus could have imagined and when he bit into his bottom lip, Sirius responded with a low moan. He could still taste traces of fresh toothpaste on his tongue. How often he had imagined this moment, how often at night, alone in his bed, he had dreamed of doing this. Now it was reality. Without breaking their kiss, Remus pressed his body closer to Sirius, who willingly spread his legs and wrapped them around Remus' hips. Sirius' little sounds of desperation drove Remus mad, made him painfully desperate and let the wolf inside him howl. He buckled his hips forward to release some of that sweet tension, all while still ravening Sirius’ mouth. After what felt like hours, satisfying and torturing at the same time, Remus let go of his lips and kissed a wet path to Sirius' neck.

His lover reacted immediately and exposed the tender skin of his neck, tilting his head sideways, just as he had done in November. To test the waters, Remus began to give gentle kisses directly over Sirius' raging pulse, but as the latter clawed his hands into the curve of Remus' back, Remus' movements became more intense, more needy. He bit the soft flesh in ecstasy, without breaking the skin, and left a crimson mark on Sirius' neck, making it visible that the man finally belonged to him.

"Moony, please," Sirius moaned in an octave that Remus was not used to hearing from him, almost feminine, voice breaky and high. The sound went straight to his groin. Remus pressed his forehead flat against Sirius’ chest, breathing hard. “Please what?” he managed to croak in a deep predatory manner. Sirius was panting, rocking his hips to get Remus to move. Of course, Remus knew what he meant, wanted nothing more than that himself, but he also wanted to hear it from Sirius' own sinful mouth. _To make him beg again._ “I need you, Remus. Please!” said Sirius breathlessly and began to lift Remus’ shirt over his head. He did not call him ‘Remus’ very often, mostly used his old nickname. The use of his first name and how it sounded covered in lust made Sirius' plea of pleasure all the more effective. Their sleeping garments were gone in seconds and Remus whispered a few spells to prepare Sirius, for he had neither the patience nor the self-control to do it himself. Then, Remus hovered over him, looked into the beautiful black orbs of Sirius’ eyes, which told him everything and more than words ever could. _Eyes that trusted him, wanted him._ And Remus could not resist any longer, so he gave in, rocking back and then thrusting inside his lover once, hard, and Sirius’ noise made it all the more arousing.

Sirius grasped at Remus’ shoulders, whining in the back of his throat. “More,” he whispered, and Remus obeyed. He claimed Sirius in long, smooth thrusts, each one intended to make him shudder. How surprisingly easy to make the Animagus beg. “You are so fucking big,” Sirius whined, back deliciously arched off the mattress in pure bliss. His assessment after their dance proved correct, Sirius was loud. The only thing that disturbed the sound of his ecstasy were short fragments of words, panting, "Mhmm, yes, Remus —". It was such an incredible turn on. The old bed of the dormitory squeaked a lot and Remus wondered if they should have uttered some silencing charms for the sake of Peter and James. But the thought was not important enough to pursue any further. Nothing else was important right now. Remus fit his fingers inside Sirius’ hair and held him, sucking his neck again while the Animagus could no longer articulate himself. _Merlin, it felt exquisite._

From the moment they first kissed, Remus had been aware that he would not last long. But their connection was also not intended to be held, but more the result of months of accumulated feelings that now broke out. They did not make love, there would be plenty of time for that later, but gave free rein to their desires. "Remus, no," Sirius whispered as Remus was about to shift back, so close to his climax, his voice hoarse from overuse. He crossed his legs behind Remus' back and pushed him back. Remus thrust into him once more, buried himself deep inside his most private warmth. The man's fingernails scratched marks on Remus' back, his breath faltering as he came without touching himself. Remus’ forehead rested against the pulse in Sirius’ neck as he, too, could not last any longer. Then he collapsed on top of him, breathing hard.

“I can't believe we just did that," Remus said, as they had enough strength to speak again after a few minutes. He rolled off Sirius, knowing that his full weight must be too heavy for him. Sirius laughed, cuddling himself to Remus' chest, eyes drowsy and calm. He was still slightly out of breath. “I can’t believe we didn’t do that before. What a joke, I wasted all my time with lukewarm fucks when I could have had this all along.” Remus spoke a quick cleaning spell and pulled the blanket over them again. After a short period of silence, Sirius began to speak again. "Moony?" he asked in a timid voice, "Please don't tell me this was a one-off." Remus shuddered at the words; he would never let Sirius go again. "As much as I would like to pretend that I only just discovered you for myself, I must truthfully confess that I have desired you for more than two years," Remus turned his head to one side. "I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship, so I never said anything." It felt so good to finally tell Sirius his true feelings. Sirius took his hand and interlaced their fingers. "I think I've always been in love with you," he confessed with a warm smile, "but I didn't want to admit it to myself because I always thought you were unattainable. I was so in denial that I only realized it fully when Amortentia smelled like your bloody sweaters and chocolate." Remus chuckled, there was the answer to a question he had been secretly asking himself since their Potions class in November.

"I love you, Remus Lupin," Sirius said and gave him another kiss. This time it was short and sweet, but no less exciting.

The words kindled a fire in the pit of Remus' stomach and a surge of emotion overcame him. He quickly buried his watery eyes in Sirius' fragrant hair, "You are the starlight of my life, Sirius Black." His sweetest dream had become reality.

***

When the sun had shone into their dormitory windows for several hours already, Remus' urge to go to the bathroom grew stronger. Slowly, he moved away from Sirius' firm grip, whose head still rested on his chest while its owner slept quietly. The sight of Sirius was so beautiful that Remus considered not going after all, but he had to. On tiptoes he toddled across the wooden floor past his bed, for he did not want to wake Peter and James. However, both had noticed his movements and now looked at him sleepily. They looked awfully tired. James leaned on his elbow, his hair even more frizzy than usual, as expected after a wild party. "Merlin, Moony," James said angrily from his bed, "I wasn't nearly drunk enough to ignore the moans of your flame. Next time, please use a silencing charm, will you?" He rubbed his eyes and put on his glasses. "Who was the girl, anyway?" Remus blushed. Did James really mean it? Raging laughter came from Peter's bed and the stout wizard sat up. "For real, James?" he laughed. James looked down, "As much as I love Lily, I'm just a man, and sounds like that can be irritating, thank you very much." Peter was writhing with laughter, "Sometimes you're so incredibly dense, James!" James looked around in bewilderment, from Remus to Peter, he did not seem to understand the world anymore.

Only when Sirius stuck his head out of Remus' bed curtains did James' eyes suddenly widen, his mouth open in shock. "Thanks for the credit, Jamesy," Sirius said smiling, blowing a kiss to his best friend. The blue-eyed man’s face was beyond priceless. If he could ever afford a pensive, Remus would know what to look at again. The weirdest coming out moment of his life.


	5. Rescue me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, the timeline changes and we are in Harry's third year at Hogwarts. Sirius is in Azkaban and Remus the new D.A.D.A teacher. Both men are not okay.

***

The room was filled with strange odors. One of them - water, salty seawater, whose drops managed to get into his nostrils. Carried by the stormy North Sea winds, cool and mirthless. On the other hand, rain, which had accumulated for hours in the fine stone grooves and now trickled over the dark ground. Often stopped by coarser stones or small leaves. Otherwise constantly flowing and in motion. The moss of the cold stones smelled bland and musty, like the undergrowth in the depths of a decaying forest. He heard the drops of falling rain hitting the cold stone, a constant rippling sound. In some distance, the roaring sea rumbled, and waves beat agitatedly against the tower walls. Sometimes, a seagull got lost and sat in front of the small hole in the wall. But today was not such a lucky day. Today he was alone, like most days.

He lay on the ground, trembling. The days had become shorter again and cold storms were no longer a rarity. A small thin blanket was wrapped around his frail figure. Even though the blanket hardly protected him from the cold, he was glad to have it. To hold on to something - to shield himself from the world. He had not eaten in days, but that had become normal and his stomach had long given up complaining. Frankly, he had long learned to be satisfied with the smallest of favors, things he had never even considered in his previous life. The life that seemed so promising and bright until it ended abruptly. Shrill screams tore him out of his thoughts, different screams. It was never quiet in this place, and often he was able to block out the other prisoners well, ignoring their bloodcurdling cries. But on some days, today anyway, when too much misery and pain reached his eardrums, he could not manage it. Whoever screamed there seemed to have not been here for long, was not yet aware of the pitfalls of this place. He smiled tiredly but was puzzled by his own reaction the next moment; probably just glad that the screams were not his own. For he had been screaming, a lot and loudly, plagued by nightmares or visions. Today, the sound of the rain seemed to keep his hallucinations in check. What a relief, he was too tired, too exhausted for further panic attacks. A sudden cold breeze went through his hair and blew single strands of it into his face. Dry, dirty strands. The vanity around his hair had long since left him. Now he hated it, because hardly anything was left of its original glamour. He would probably not recognize himself even if he looked in the mirror. It was quite good that he had no access to a mirror here, his reflection would only aggravate his own insanity further. Flesh reflecting the madness within.

At the sudden sound of an opening door, he flinched violently, then held his aching ribs. He had too little muscle mass for such prompt movements. Slowly, he supported himself with the palm of his hand on the stone floor and lifted himself up, careful not to get up too fast. The malnutrition often resulted in terrible dizzy spells.

The noise did not resemble the usual opening of the supply shafts in the cells but came from far away. Curiosity made him get up fully and reach for the bars at the entrance of the small room. They were cool to the touch. Either he had become even thinner, or the bars seemed to wear out slowly through constant weathering. He sighed, if he would make an effort, he himself could force his human form through the gaps of the rods. What a strange thought. The sudden sound of footsteps made his heart race with excitement and panic. He could not remember the last time he had heard any sign of human presence outside the cells. Perhaps it was a new twist of his imagination, he would not be surprised. His mind had become quite good at deceiving, luring, and punishing him. However, when he saw several shadows approaching in the light cone of the window, his body reacted as if by reflex and he moved away from the bars of the cell in a matter of seconds. With his back against the cold stone wall, enveloped in darkness, he began to listen. Voices, real human voices. Voices that he did not recognize and therefore ones that most likely were no trick of his unstable inside. It seemed like a miracle.

"Your concern is most noble, gentlemen, but I will not be gone for long," he could hear a man say at some distance. His voice sounded strong, clear and he did not seem to be alone. The quiet answer of his interlocutors was obscured by a sudden burst of thunder. "You two can wait for me outside, I can imagine that it is quite uncomfortable for you in here. By all means, go into the courtyard, I will join you in a moment." _What was happening?_

The rain was now so loud that he did not even notice the man's footsteps and was startled when his moving silhouette suddenly appeared a few meters in front of him. He remained with his back on the wall, without moving. Did the stranger come for him? The foreigner cleared his throat and stopped in front of the bars. His cologne flowed through the room, a scent that did not fit in with this dreary place and which lingered in the room like an evil aura. "Am I correct in assuming that this is your cell, Mr. Black?" the man suddenly asked and looked inside the dungeon. Apparently, he could not see anyone in the darkness from his angle.

 _Mr. Black_.

It had been a while since anyone had called him that and the expression still reminded him more of his father than himself. At the thought his left hand began to tremble, but he stopped its movement with his other one. Slowly, he emerged from the shadows, his breath restless and stumbling. When the stranger laid eyes on him, a brief moment of fear flew over his face before he put on an unnatural smile that did not reach his eyes. He was definitely an employee of the ministry. When he came one step closer, the stranger retreated slightly, but immediately overplayed his reaction with a short chuckle. "I would say it is a pleasure to meet you," the man's eyes looked at him from head to toe, "but I think we can both do without that considering the circumstances of our meeting." An uncomfortable silent period lingered between them and the ministry official scratched the back of his head as he looked around with a sniffy snout. He was about 50 years old, tall and well-fed, wearing elegant robes. A hat covered his thinning blond hair and judging by his accent, he was from a good family. While his bulky fingers fiddled with something in his breast pocket, Sirius could recognize a silver signet ring on his index finger. He exuded the perfect pureblood charm.

"How unspeakably rude of me," said the man suddenly and paused, "I did not introduce myself at all. My name is Cornelius Fudge and I have replaced Minister Bagnold in his post as Minister for Magic." Sirius nodded slowly, without breaking eye-contact, unsure what to do with this information. "I have to admit," Fudge started after he took a silver cigarette case out of his coat, "Azkaban does indeed do justice to all the stories. I always thought they were exaggerations." Sirius’ eyes narrowed. What a joke. Fudge was the personification of an office job. Leaning on the handle of his folded umbrella, he began to light a cigarette. The aroma of the blown smoke was not even half as pleasant as Sirius remembered. Obviously, Fudge also smoked low tar cigarettes, how very fitting. He looked down. "May I offer you one?" Fudge said suddenly, waggling the cigarette case, "It must have been an eternity since you could indulge in such vices." He laughed, a dry laugh that spoke volumes of forced interactions. A true politician. When Sirius just stared at him, Fudge raised his eyebrows, "I would take it if I were you, my boy. I don't think the next visitation of Azkaban is scheduled before the turn of the millennium and most people do not dare to get close to the cells." _Millennium._ Had he really been here that long already?

With a flick of his wand, Fudge lit the second cigarette and let it float through the bars towards Sirius.

"Surely you excuse my caution," said Fudge as Sirius' thin fingers wrapped around the filter, "to tell the truth, if I were to follow protocol, I would not be allowed to talk to you at all. But it is not every day you meet Sirius Black, the notorious mass murderer.” So that is what this was all about, Fudge was interested in the personality that had been created around him - the lunatic, the psychopath. Cautiously, he took a drag of the cigarette and a forgotten feeling flooded through him. The smoke obscured his field of vision and filled the cold room with wafts of mist, shifting like ghosts in the breeze of the chilly September wind.

He coughed slightly - it had been a decade since he had last smoked. "I must admit that you are calmer than I imagined you to be," Fudge stated after watching Sirius for a while, studying him like a rare species, "I have been told that most prisoners, especially the high security ones, are apathetic and loud." He tilted his head, "But who of the ministry workers had ever actually been here? Barely anyone, but rumors and stories spread quickly." Fudge dropped the stub of his half-smoked cigarette to the ground and used the front of his shoe to kick it to the side. Sirius crossed his arms in front of his chest as a sudden gust of wind made him shiver. "I never killed anyone," he said slowly and quietly, his voice hoarse due to its long disuse. “Of course, you didn’t,” replied the Minister in an amused tone and put on a crooked and pitiful grin. A sudden scream from one of the other cells made Fudge flinch. Sirius got used to this a long time ago and did not move an inch. "I am inconsolable, but it is getting dark and I should be off the clock," the Minister concluded, "We don't want to break any more rules and besides, my companions are probably terrified about my whereabouts." He chuckled, "Or have already been washed away by the storm."

When he tried to put his cigarette case back into the inside pocket of his coat, the tip of a rolled-up newspaper appeared. Sirius recognized it immediately and when his eyes focused on it, Fudge pulled it out and unrolled it. "Today's edition of the _Daily Prophet_ may not be very informative, but it is probably the most interesting thing you have read in years."Only when Sirius reached for the newspaper offered to him and Fudge, who had obviously gotten a bit too comfortable, noticed how close the prisoner’s bony hands came to his own, did he jump slightly. Even in this condition, Fudge seemed to have considerable fear of him. _My reputation precedes me._

The rough paper of the newspaper felt unfamiliar against his fingers. Just as the Minister was about to turn to leave, he suddenly started talking again, "By the way, I don't know why I have the urge to tell you this, but what harm can it do. Weren't you acquainted with the werewolf Remus Lupin during your time before Azkaban?” Sirius' breath faltered; he had not heard the name in so many years. A stabbing pain went through his insides and he had to pull himself together not to make a choked noise. Instead, he just nodded slowly again. "I thought so. Well, Albus Dumbledore has appointed Mr. Lupin as Professor for Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts," he sighed, "against my advice, of course. Werewolves are difficult to trust." Fudge straightened his jacket, "Regardless, I better be going. Farewell, Mr. Black." With these words and a small nod, he disappeared around the corner and his footsteps echoed in the long, rocky hallway. The heavy iron door closed, then silence crept in. Sirius leaned his back against the cold metal of the bars and slid down to the ground. What a strange encounter.

He could no longer stand. _Remus_. In all the years of his imprisonment, not a single day had passed where he had not thought of him. But to hear his name so unexpectedly and suddenly from the Minister's mouth had a different effect. _So you returned to Hogwarts, just like we always dreamed about_. His insides were cramping up and had he eaten anything lately, he would have certainly felt sick. The memory of Remus was still as painful and suffocating as it had been since their first day apart from each other. He closed his eyes and swallowed, heavy emotions overcoming him.

_Would you be all right if I carried you?_

_I must truthfully confess that I have desired you for more than two years._

_You are the starlight of my life, Sirius Black._

He could no longer suppress the tears that ran down his cold cheeks like burning droplets. They would have been able to have a life together, a home, a future. _They could have raised Harry after the terrible fate of their friends_. Instead, none of that remained, and he would regret a single life choice for the rest of his days. Alone, forsaken, and caged like a bird with broken wings. He drew his knees to his chest and laid his forehead upon them. Had Remus ever thought of him again? What if he had a family and Sirius was only the eyesore of their shared young adulthood? The thought made him gasp, hissing for air, hugging his legs closer. After his dramatic leave from Grimmauld place at the age of sixteen, he often thought he knew what deep and relentless pain felt like. However, the last years had shown him that this had been a walk in the park compared to his life now, compared to Azkaban.

Too tired and worn out to feel any further grief and regrets, Sirius reached for the newspaper that Fudge had given him. The last rays of daylight facilitated his tear-dimmed vision.

There was a cheerful family photo right on the front page. The family of nine smiled proudly into the camera, all dressed in oriental robes. Behind them, the outlines of pyramids were recognizable. "Grand Prize Winner visits Egypt - The Weasley Family" Their faces looked familiar to Sirius, but he could not remember where or if he had seen them before. It took a while for his eyes to get used to the letters, then he started to read: „Arthur Weasley, head of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office, and his wife Molly have won the annual Daily Prophet Draw. A delighted Mr. Weasley told the Daily Prophet: ‘We will be spending the gold on a summer holiday to Egypt, where our oldest son, Bill, works.’ The other five Weasley children currently attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.” He moved the newspaper closer to his face, then the scales fell from his eyes. The woman in the picture was the sister of Gideon and Fabian Prewett, Molly. He had occasionally seen her at past order meetings, whenever she had accompanied her two brothers. Sirius also recognized her husband Arthur vaguely. Because of their children, however, the two had never been full members of the order. With the back of his hand he wiped the remains of the tears from his face. It was nice to see that the two had obviously realized their dream of a large family with many children. Their oldest son Bill was hardly recognizable, since the cheerful and lively ten-year-old, who had often fooled around with his two uncles, had become a young man.

Bill's face, in the way Sirius remembered it, resembled the youngest son of the Weasleys in the front row of the photo. The boy seemed very modest and had to be around twelve years old, around Harry’s age. While the others moved a lot, laughing and prancing, he only looked shyly but cheerfully from his mother to the camera. Then he proudly held up his pet, a large rat. Sirius smiled faintly and was about to read on when the shock struck him like a lightning bolt. A rat? And one this big? Had he finally gone mad? Abruptly he sat up, ignored the upcoming dizziness, and headed towards the small candlelit area right by the bars of his cell. To his horror, he had not imagined it, because the rat was still there and now, as more light fell on the newspaper, he could see that the rodent's front foot was mutilated. "No fucking way!" he uttered in shock and his eyes widened to the maximum. His heart beat as if he had just run a marathon. _It's him, it's him, it's Peter._ He had spent enough nights of his life in the company of the rodent and would probably still recognize him in a hundred years. But how could he be there? Why was he living with the Weasleys? Sirius' head was spinning, and he rubbed his temples to keep himself from screaming. None of this made any sense. Did the family not know about his true form? They would never voluntarily cover for Peter; of that he was certain. Did the wizard deceive them in his animal form? His mind seemed to be racing and he leaned one arm against the cold stone wall. All these years, Peter had apparently remained in his Animagus form - hiding, fearful and cowardly, as he had always been. But what did he still fear? Even someone with an anxiety level like Peter had to be rational enough to know that Sirius would never get out of Azkaban again. Unless. He dropped to his knees. _It can’t be._

Peter had always been easy to manipulate, always prone to join the strongest, and good at savoring appropriate moments. If the rumors were to be believed, Voldemort was once again after the pursuit of power. Rubeus Hagrid, at least Sirius thought he recognized his voice last year, had made a loud protest about this to the guards during his time here. Peter was a Death Eater, as Sirius himself had painfully discovered at the time. Perhaps, Voldemort had now ordered him to lay low until he himself was powerful enough to fully rise again. Or maybe Pettigrew feared the fury of Voldemort after Harry had foiled his master's plan. The Weasley boy was the perfect way for Peter to enter Hogwarts. Being a pet allowed him to move around freely, listening in on any conversation he might be able to pick up. The perfect spy because everyone believed him dead. _How dare he!_ Sirius shivered, he could not believe that his brain, drawn by Azkaban's madness, had combined this so quickly. If it was true, Hogwarts was no longer a safe place. The evening wind howled through the cell and made him shudder, but he could only grasp one clear thought. A thought that shook him to his very foundations and repeated itself like a mantra in his ears. Everything else suddenly seemed insignificant. _Harry and Remus are at Hogwarts_.

When the cold aura of the dementors tore him from his thought bubble a few hours later, he had not moved an inch. Quickly, he transformed into the big black dog whose emotions the creatures could not decipher as easily. He could not risk being attacked by a dementor tonight, not now. For the first time in over ten years, his thoughts were too precious, too important for him to lose. Besides, he had ambitious plans, ideas that would change his life, or at least what was left of it, forever.

At that thought, his hand tensed around the small piece of newspaper. He held the paper as if his entire life energy was bound to it - and it truly was.

_I won't let anything happen to him. I won’t fail you again, Prongs, I promise._


	6. New Job, New Life?

***

The squeaking of the heavy wooden door made his heart beat faster. His fingers curled tighter around the magically enlarged briefcase as he stepped into the almost empty room. It looked just like he remembered it. He was filled with emotions, an internal chaos that had begun to grow stronger the moment he sat down in his seat on the Hogwarts Express. Remus was overjoyed that Dumbledore had offered him the post of the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, even though he knew that this happiness would not last long. The post had already been cursed in his own school days, and the teachers had changed every year. Still, the prospect of being back at Hogwarts for a whole year, even being able to teach at all, the best thing that had happened to him in the last ten years, was a real treat. It felt as if he had returned home. On the other hand, the new job caused him a lot of stress, as he did not know to what extent he could combine his condition with the timesink of preparing lessons. Certainly, he would not have an easy time, would surely miss the one or other class after the full moon. Not exactly the best premise to be a good teacher. Still, he was back, which was all that mattered.

Regrettably, his transformations had become more painful, even more unbearable for some years now. Whether this was due to his loneliness or his age, he could not interpret. Probably both. He sighed, at least Dumbledore had assured him a constant supply of Wolfsbane potion, and he did not need to worry about accidentally hurting someone at Hogwarts. Remus could not even imagine the trauma this would cause to his students. A heavy suitcase was waiting on the bed in the room behind his new office. The room was sporadically furnished and even had a small fireplace, perfect for the chilly autumn season that was approaching. The week after his transformations, Remus was always particularly sensitive to the cold and certainly appreciated the extra warmth. With a wave of his wand, his tattered suitcase opened, and earth-colored shirts and sweaters floated out. They had seen better days, and although he was already wearing his best clothes today, even these were worn out and too loosely fitted. Quality had its price, and Remus had barely kept his head above water with small jobs before Dumbledore's visit. The replacement of his wardrobe was not his first priority. It never had been. Slowly, he sat down on the big bed. It was soft, inviting, yet hardly gave way under his weight. Good to know that he had a pleasant retreat for the dreadful time after the full moons.

His eyes fell on the golden sign on his suitcase, _Professor R.J. Lupin_. He smiled tiredly, of course he had not made the sign himself, but it had been a gift from his friends. Even in his youth, Remus had always been told that he would certainly make a good teacher one day. Naturally at some point, his friends, crazy as they were, had taken him so seriously that they had crafted the sign for him. As a token, a sign to remind him to never give up, no matter how difficult the outlook.

Although this surprise came from the bottom of their hearts and Remus more than appreciated it, it also made him sad because it reminded him of the fact that he would never be offered a professorship due to his condition. Werewolves did not have it easy on the job market and certainly could not choose their profession. But here he sat now, back at the old school with exactly this chance. A true miracle. _If you could see me now_ , Remus thought quietly, a dull feeling coming over him. Being without his friends at this of all places seemed wrong, something was missing. If James was here now, he would proudly pat him on the shoulder and crack a bottle of wine in his name. Lily would have held him tightly in her arms, laughing and beaming with joy. Peter would probably have shown his baking skills to the fullest, baking him a cake as both, a farewell gift and an incentive for his new start as a teacher. Remus looked mournfully into his folded palms. His friends would have done so many things if they were all still alive. The deep melancholy had hit him when he first met Harry Potter on the train earlier. Harry was already so grown, a teenager, and Remus had missed out on everything. He had not heard Harry's first words, nor seen his shining eyes when the boy first spotted the Hogwarts Express. Harry did not know him, had forgotten him. Remus was a stranger to the boy who should have called him 'uncle'. The gaze into Harry's bright green eyes, which were the spitting image of Lily's, made him realize how many years had passed. How long he had been alone already. How long _he_ had been gone. Remus pulled his eyebrows together as if in pain, he did not want to think about Sirius. Sirius did not deserve his attention, for because of him all the happiness in his life had been taken away.

Nevertheless, no matter how hard he tried, he could not always completely outsmart his own mind. He had spent so many years desperately trying to hate Sirius. He had done everything to forget him, but he just could not manage. Despite his horrible and unforgivable deeds, Remus could not let him go. He still thought of Sirius, the murderer of his best friends, every day. And as if that were not enough, as much as he wanted to suppress it, deep inside he was aware that his heart still yearned for his lost love. _How pathetic can a man be?_ Massaging his eyebrows, Remus closed his eyes. It was exactly this thought process he had hoped to prevent. A sudden knock at the door came to his rescue.

Quickly, he returned to his office, straightening his cardigan. When the door opened, Remus recognized his visitor immediately. Although fifteen years had passed since their last encounter, Minerva McGonagall still seemed exactly the same. Wearing an elegant yet severe updo and fine robes, she had apparently just welcomed the new first-year students and was now giving her fosterlings a breather before the sorting ceremony. A broad smile adorned her face when she saw Remus. "Remus my boy, it's so wonderful to see you," she approached him and gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. Only now Remus could see that her eyes had aged after all, but the crow’s feet only added to her gentle nature. "Professor McGonagall, what a pleasant surprise!" He was really happy to see his old teacher and mentor again after all these years. The witch chuckled softly, "Even after so many years, you have kept your politeness. I think it is more than appropriate that you call me 'Minerva', after all we are colleagues now."

She eyed him from head to toe with euphoric curiosity, "When Albus told me that he had asked you to take the post, I was very pleased. You are the best thing that has happened to this school in years." Remus recalled the articles in the _Daily Prophet_ about Gilderoy Lockhart's whole scandal, an embarrassment to Hogwarts and its teachers. Compared to Lockhart’s ineptitude it was not difficult to do a better job. He still took her words as a compliment. "It makes me really happy to see you, Minerva. As a new professor I can certainly learn a lot from you," he looked awkwardly at the ground. It was still strange for him to give himself this title. Even more strange to utter it before his former teacher. "I can of course help you with any matter, just come and ask," McGonagall said, and her voice sounded honest and sincere. She straightened her glasses with an elegant hand gesture, "It is almost amusing that two of my former students are now professors here themselves." Remus looked up in surprise, thinking he had misheard, "Who else has returned to Hogwarts other than me?" McGonagall eyed him, she obviously thought it was a joke, but when Remus did not add anything, she cleared her throat. "Well, I don't know if you can remember him, but Severus Snape was employed here shortly after you graduated. He replaced Professor Slughorn as Potions Master." Remus blinked, he remembered Snape well. The Slytherin had always squabbled with James and had never been well disposed towards the Marauders. Occasionally, the disputes between the two parties had escalated. A bad premonition was spreading within Remus - was it Snape who, by Dumbledore's command, was to brew the promised Wolfsbane potion every month?

Nevertheless, they had grown up. Hopefully, Snape did not hold a grudge against him anymore. McGonagall seemed to notice his inner quarrel and patted him on the arm, "Severus can still be quite stubborn, he is definitely a strict teacher and doesn't exactly get along with Harry Potter either." She paused, "As you know, Potter and Black had a difficult relationship with Severus and the boy looks so much like his father." At the sound of their names Remus made a grimace. It was only natural that his old teachers were interested in their former students, not their adult personalities and what had become of them, and he should have expected to hear his friends' names often. However, he could not suppress his nervous reaction. McGonagall looked at him with worried eyes, the smile on her face had faded, "Remus, I am so sorry about what happened. No one could have foreseen that something so horrible would happen-"

Remus avoided her gaze, because sudden memories drowned out her words.

 _He was back in the Transfiguration classroom, seventeen innocent years old. Sitting next to him was Peter, munching the rest of a pumpkin pie he had fetched from lunch in the Great Hall. He smiled gratefully at Remus, for it was only because of his help that he too had finished his essay on time. James sat across from them, thoughtlessly threw a snitch in the air and balanced the Quidditch utensil on one of his fingers._ _The room was still full of murmurings since Professor McGonagall had not yet started the lesson. Sirius' head rested on Remus' left shoulder, the soft strands of his long hair tickling Remus' neck. He was warm, smelled familiar and beguiling._

Another gentle touch from the present McGonagall brought Remus back to the painful here and now. Full of confusion, he shook his head as if this would help shutting out the memories. The man did not have flashbacks in a while. "Thank you, Minerva, I am very sorry. As you can see, I'm still having trouble talking about it." As much as he tried, his voice sounded small and faint. The elderly professor only nodded, she of all people would understand. As much as they had gotten on her nerves, young and wild as they were, the witch had always been there for them. She was a true mentor, someone to look up to.

"Come with me, Remus," McGonagall started talking again and her expression became brighter, "or we'll miss the official sorting ceremony. I'm sure Albus would like to introduce you to the students and you can certainly use a good hot meal." How right she was, he was quite hungry and had been longing for the exquisite food in the Great Hall. It was probably also handy that he did not have to go through the once so familiar gates alone but had Minerva by his side. In front of the students, especially at the first meeting, he could not afford having such flashbacks. Remus was already under enough pressure to be as unobtrusive as possible, which was a true challenge because of the lycanthropy. With a quick flick of his wand, he closed the door to his private quarters and followed McGonagall out of his office and into the chilly corridors of the castle. Pulling down his sleeves, he hoped no student would notice the holes in his cardigan.


	7. The Escape

***

The slowly setting sun told him that the day was coming to an end and it was almost time for dinner. If one could call this grub, from which anyone only barely survived, food at all. He knew that the time slot he had calculated was only very short, so he waited, silently listening near the entrance of his cell. As soon as he would perceive sounds in the hallway, he would transform into his animal self. During the last few days, he had been trying to see if the Dementors even noticed the big dog and had happily noticed that the ghostly creatures not only seemed to ignore his Animagus form, but that it was completely inconspicuous to them. There was no doubt that he, disguised as a dog, would fit through the slightly open gap of the heavy cell door as soon as it was opened for supplies. The man could only vaguely recall the paths within Azkaban and was therefore all the more grateful that a slight wind was blowing today, indicating the exit of the prison to him. Sirius knew that he did not need to worry about the other prisoners because his dog-like figure was dark and agile. The other inmates, plagued by visions, would probably take him for a hallucination. His hands were cold with excitement and he rubbed them together in an attempt to create warmth. The planned escape was highly risky, absolutely dangerous even, because he was quite visibly in the worst physical condition one could have imagined for such a massive undertaking. His body had hardly any muscles, no stamina. Nevertheless, he had to at least try to get out, otherwise he would regret it for the rest of his life.

He could not let anything happen to the only people who still meant something to him in this cruel world. When a loud noise from the cell next to him rang out and the air cooled rapidly, panic boiled up inside him. They were here. _Now or never._ With his head bowed, he watched the corridor behind his cell in his Animagus form, ready to strike. As expected, the eerie figure of a Dementor appeared right in front of the bars and Sirius held his breath, terrified that the creatures could sense him after all. But the hooded figure seemed unable to read the black dog's emotions and, with a gesture of its long spider fingers, finally opened the door a crack wide. Without thinking about it again, Sirius slipped past it without any problems and hurried almost silently into the passage in front of his cell. His heart seemed to jump out of his chest, and he was glad that the dog's brain capacity prevented him from imagining any more what-if scenarios. Determined, he followed the gentle breeze of the wind, past the other cells. When he suddenly caught sight of another Dementor, blocking his field of vision, he lay down on his stomach in the corner of the narrow stone entrance until the creature floated past him. As a human, he would surely not have been able to stand this agitation. It was truly one of the best decisions of his life to become an Animagus.

Gradually, the smell of salt water became stronger and Sirius had now managed to pass all the cells, hurrying down a stone spiral staircase. He knew it would only be a matter of time before the Dementors noticed his absence and sounded the alarm. The entrance area of the prison was as dark as his cell, and a gigantic iron door obstructed his way, one last hurdle to freedom. As a dog, he would never be able to pry it open, but he could not risk being perceived as a human either.

For Merlin's sake there was a small window right next to the door, unglazed, as usual for Azkaban, and with all his strength he jumped through the hole in the wall. When his paws hit damp sand, he almost emitted a loud bark. It was unbelievable that he had really managed to escape the fortress. The air outside was cold, much saltier and he could see the waves crashing gently against the grounds. Fortunately, tonight's evening was not too stormy. Despite the wind, the sea was calm and mellow.

He could have burst into tears, but he knew that the worst and most difficult part of his escape was yet to come. Without any hope of a break, he would now have to swim several kilometers through the ocean. In his condition, this task promised to be a merciless challenge of life and death. Quickly, he trudged through the wet sand, past the graves that had already been here when he was imprisoned, looking for a suitable access to the water. The coast was very rocky, sharp-edged rocks, which he wanted to avoid as much as possible, and hardly offered a good entrance to the water. Here, too, the thoughtless ease of the dog, who could climb unhindered onto one of the larger rocks, helped him. Meanwhile, it was almost completely dark outside, and Sirius prayed that he was not about to swim in the wrong direction. Taking a deep breath, he jumped from the rock into the dark sea and, when his body hit the water, had to gasp for air despite his rough-natured canine shape. The water was mercilessly cold, and his heart skipped a beat. After he had calmed down, he began to swim without even giving Azkaban a second glance. If everything went smoothly tonight, he would finally leave this dreadful place behind. Forever.

After what felt like hours, there was still no land ahead and Sirius slowly began to wonder if he was just stupid or megalomaniac. His bones ached, even as a dog this was almost unbearable, and he had absolutely no strength left. But he had to persevere, he was not allowed to give up now. Not now, when his goal was as close as never before. Salty seawater got into his mouth and he choked as renewed panic rose within him. If he died now, alone and insignificant somewhere in the sea, Harry would not remember him. He might never know that Sirius was his godfather. Peter was dangerously close to Harry, watching him at Hogwarts, ready to harm the boy at any time. And Remus. Remus would never know that it had not been Sirius who had betrayed James and Lily. His friend would believe, up until his last days on this earth, that Sirius had destroyed their happiness.

 _Remus would hate him for eternity_.

He could not let this happen, must not even think about pausing his steady swimming motion for even a second. The agony of these thoughts spurred him on and when he spotted the dark outlines of a forest in the distance, his limbs functioned as if by themselves.

When he felt his paws touching solid ground, another sudden pain went through him. The stones of the shore were sharp-edged, and the burning sensation signaled him that he had cut himself. But he did not care, he had made it. After an eternity, he had reached the shore. Without thinking, he transformed back, and his tattered prisoner uniform soaked itself with water, turning heavy. He could hardly keep his eyes open anymore, there were light and dark streaks everywhere in his field of vision. Slowly, he staggered ashore, the feeling of the stones now much more comfortable under his shoes. His legs trembled and gave way instantly after he stood in the shallow water.

He fell to his knees, then crawled ashore on all fours. Completely out of the water, an icy wind enveloped him. With a soft whimper, he sank to the ground, his head lying sideways in the sand. Sirius' breath went so fast that he had to cough. Everything hurt, but he was free. He had escaped, had succeeded. Gradually, he supported himself with the bloody palm of his hand and turned onto his back. Weakness and fatigue let his eyelids fell shut. But after a few minutes, he opened his eyes again and looked up into the clear starry sky above him. For the first time in so many years, he could see the entire firmament. The sky looked huge, endless and emblematized his regained freedom.

Looking at the star he was named after, he remembered James' words: "Who needs astronomy when the brightest star, the biggest diva in the universe, happens to be your best friend?” He could feel his eyes filling with tears for he missed his best friend incredibly. Simultaneously, a memory of Remus crossed his mind. A memory of the peaceful moment back when they had cuddled up together, sitting on the astronomy tower. The werewolf had held him close while they looked at the stars, his arms warm and protective. Sirius' tears now ran in irregular streaks across his cheeks, into his hair, and he writhed slightly as a torturous sob ran through him. All the pain of the last years seemed to surface at once. He was free, breathing yet broken.

How cruel this world turned out to be. And yet, small moments like those in his memories were most important to him, kept him alive through grief and horror.

"Did you make sure I survived today? Does my life still have a meaning?" Sirius asked softly, directed to heaven, his voice small and shaking. If there really was an afterlife, calm and peaceful as the religious Muggles imagined it, James and Lily had watched over him all these years.

They had certainly helped him to get through that ocean. He would never be able to comprehend how he had made it this far without this supernatural explanation. How had his frail body not shut down earlier? Another breeze made him shiver and although he was freezing bitterly, his body was too weak to get up. Sirius knew that if he closed his eyes now, his wet clothes combined with the cold sea breeze would cause him to become hypothermic. But he could no longer keep his eyes open. He no longer had control over his body, which was worn down to the point of bitter exhaustion. Before everything around him fell silent, before the wind and the sound of the sea faded, he spoke two more words.

Words directed to heaven, at Lily and James.

“Thank you.“

Then, darkness enveloped him.


	8. Of Pasts and Futures

***

As Remus had expected, the Great Hall was already full of students. Alongside the faces of the astonished first-graders waiting for McGonagall in front of the massive entrance door, he could also see many other joyful glances. With a nod and an explanatory hand gesture, Minerva directed him towards the long teacher's table in sight. Since Remus' graduation, the hall had changed next to nothing. Its ceiling was still enchanted, much to the delight of the children, and depicted a clear night sky above them. The sounds of Remus' footsteps were drowned out by the laughter and other background noises of the excited students greeting each other.

Just as lively as it had been in the old days.

The professor decided not to take the center aisle through the hall because he did not want to attract too much attention. In the midst of the young people he could make out Harry Potter, who apparently had to report to his friends about how he had fared with the Dursleys during the break. Remus suppressed a sigh, the boy deserved so much better. Arriving at the teacher's table, which was relatively empty, Remus looked around. Uncertain about where to sit, he chose a seat on the far side, so that no colleague had to get up because of him. It was an indescribable feeling to sit on the other side of the hall and see the entire student body. Almost overwhelming. At Harry's table he could also recognize Alice and Frank's son, Neville. The boy was the spitting image of his parents and Remus recognized him from earlier meetings when he had been a little boy accompanied by his grandmother. The fate of the Longbottoms - a cruel casualty of the First War. He could hardly wait to have lessons with the Gryffindors, was excited to meet the children of his former classmates and friends.

Remus was so distracted that he did not even notice the man who had sat down next to him with hardly a sound. It was only when the latter, addressed by a suddenly arriving Professor Flitwick, began to speak that Remus startled. His voice had not changed a bit. Next to him sat Severus Snape. The wizard was still pale as linen and narrow-faced, his black robes only emphasizing this contrast even more. But unlike in their youth, his dark hair was a little shorter and did not quite fall onto his shoulders anymore. Remus looked into his eyes and noticed that Snape probably only recognized him now. His black eyes, which now sat a lot deeper, widened as realization hit him. _Had Dumbledore only told McGonagall about my employment?_

"Good evening, Severus," Remus put on a smile, he had no reason to give Snape the cold shoulder, years had passed, "I am surprised to see you here. Who would have thought we'd meet again at the teacher's table at Hogwarts, of all places?"

Confusion was written all over Snape's face, then Remus saw his amazed look turn into an unreadable expression. "Lupin," he said slowly and emotionlessly, "what brings you here?" His voice sounded so cold that Remus frowned. His conversation partners were usually always warm and friendly towards him, probably a reaction to his drawn appearance.

"Dumbledore recruited me for the post of new D.A.D.A. teacher," Snape's expression was now almost disgusted, "of course I accepted his offer. As I am sure you remember, it's not easy for someone like me to find a decent job." Snape had known about Remus' lycanthropy since their fifth year at school. Ever since he had followed Remus into the Shrieking Shack on one fateful full moon night. A mistake that had almost cost him his life back then.

"I see," Snape averted his gaze from Remus and looked into the crowd of children who gradually took their seats, "Dumbledore sent me all the ingredients for the Wolfsbane potion a week earlier. I already have some complete potions in stock. Am I correct in assuming that I should brew more for you?" Remus swallowed, he did not like the feeling of being in Snape's debt, "That is indeed generous of you, Severus, thank you very much. The creation of potions was never my strong suit." And quite so. Aconite, one of Wolfbane’s main ingredients, was highly poisonous when concocted incorrectly and he was happy not having to deal with it on his own.

Snape’s expression softened a bit and Remus wondered if he thought about Lily, Slughorn’s “outstanding” student. Her death must have hit the Potions Master hard because he had been interested in Lily ever since Remus could think. The redhead’s wellbeing had been the only thing that Severus and James always agreed on. And now James' spitting image sat before them at the Gryffindors' table, looking around with a pair of Lily's green eyes; life sometimes truly had strange destinies. Remus cleared his throat, "I don't mean to be impious, but today is the first day of the-" Snape interrupted him and spoke, "-last lunar phase and the full moon will be in a week’s time, yes. When I do my research, Lupin, I do it properly. I've already discussed everything with Dumbledore, unaware that the werewolf in question was you, and I'll bring the first goblet to your office after dinner."

Remus looked into his own lap. _Good to know, at least Snape could not have deliberately poisoned the potion._ Quickly, he wiped the inappropriate thought from his mind. Snape did him a huge favor after all. Remus took one of the already filled glasses in his hand and let it clash quietly with Snape's, "Here's to a good partnership, Severus, you help me immensely with the potion." Snape only nodded but did not take his own glass. Remus understood the signal. Maybe it was better to keep a professional distance to the man, who had apparently still not digested their shared past.

The food was delicious and exactly as he remembered it. If he was honest with himself, he had not eaten so well in twelve years. Cooking had always been a passion of his, ever since he had looked over his mother's shoulder while she prepared the family’s food, learning from her. Some things simply turned out better without magic. Together with the Marauders, Remus had often organized cooking evenings, showing the others how fulfilling food prepared by hand from the scratch could be. Peter knew the most about different dishes, because he had learned his passion and healthy appetite for different flavors from his own mother, with whom he, like Remus, had often cooked together.

James, however, much to Lily's chagrin, and Sirius were rather clumsy, both never had to cook at home. Remus drank the last sip of _Primitivo_ , which of course was only available to the teaching staff, from his golden chalice; a luxury he could have never afforded without his employment at Hogwarts. Since the death of his friends, food had become a mere necessity for him, his scarce income had always ensured that he only bought the most indispensable things.

Snape had not spoken a single word more and Remus regretted sitting so far away from the other teachers. Otherwise he could have exchanged a few words with his former lecturers. But maybe it was a good thing that he had his peace and quiet today, as the long journey had exhausted him. The full moon was still a whole week away and yet Remus could already feel the wolf within him slowly evolving. During the following days, his senses would sharpen, and he would be plagued by nausea and dizziness. All the better that all their arrival at Hogwarts had been today. Remus let his gaze wander, most of the students were now also finished with their desserts and started chatting excitedly again. Some first graders compared their wands. He chuckled; how wonderful it was to see all this again.

After a short chat with Professor Flitwick, who was also very pleased to see Remus as a new professor, he withdrew to his office. It had been an exhausting and nostalgic evening and tomorrow, his return to Hogwarts would finally reach its climax. His first lesson, an introductory unit with the new Hufflepuff first graders, was scheduled. A short knock on his door signaled to him that Snape had come by with the first cup of Wolfsbane, just as promised. Remus looked up from his desk, broadly smiling in Snape's direction. 

But when the latter entered with an agitated grimace, Remus could not suppress the hint of astonishment on his own face. In both hands, the Potions Master carried a silver cup containing a steaming liquid. When Snape placed the goblet on the desk, Remus could see that the substance was deep blue. It did not look very inviting. "I decided on the most common dose," Snape started in a clear voice and looked down at Remus, "after the first transformation, we will see if we need to increase the dosage." Remus nodded, his gaze still resting on the cup.

When Snape was about to leave, Remus raised his voice, "Thank you for your efforts, Severus. Nevertheless, I think you have something else on your mind this evening." Looking into the Potions Master's face, Remus was greeted by a raised eyebrow. "I know we haven't always been on the same page in the past," he paused, unsure how deeply he wanted to delve into the experiences of their school days, "but I still think we should start over and if there is something you want to tell me, something that might be unspoken between us, something that is bothering you, now would be a good time to do so." Remus kept his tone intentionally friendly and accommodating. He was honestly trying to draw a line under their difficult youth.

"The headmaster has just received a very urgent owl from the Ministry of Magic," Snape said coldly, and Remus swallowed. Dumbledore was Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot and therefore often received discreet information directly from the Minister for Magic himself. "Malicious tongues would suggest that the timing is almost too perfect, after all, your employment here at Hogwarts begins today. How convenient for a solid alibi," Snape's eyes were now molded into sharp slits and for the first time this evening, Remus fully recognized the youthful Severus who had detested the Marauders.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," he said truthfully, gazing intently at Snape. By Merlin's beard, what on earth could he have done wrong on his first day? Snape just snorted and then began to speak slowly, bitterness rolling off his tongue. His words were like poison, but before Remus could protest, the syllables of the head of Slytherin house faded and only Snape’s lips seemed to move. He looked from the still steaming chalice back to Snape, undecided what to say. "I beg your pardon?" was all Remus could finally produce. Snape looked him in the eye again after a short vigorous eye roll, "Although there were certainly many black sheep in his family, only the darkest one got himself locked up in Azkaban. Surely you remember his name, don't you? I for one can still see you two in my mind's eye", his tone of voice stank of venomous sarcasm and Remus slowly became aware of what Snape had said. "Let me be plain then. Against all expectations, your ex-lover, Black, managed to break out of Azkaban. The Ministry has just issued a national warning and Dumbledore is on his way to meet the Minister." Snape's further words were drowned out by a loud whistling in Remus' ears. It was as if he was about to faint.

Although Snape's words had now completely reached his ears, he could not believe them. How was that possible? No one, absolutely no one, let alone a top security prisoner, had ever escaped from Azkaban before. Remus had not even thought it feasible. _And why, why now, why today?_

He touched his suddenly aching temples with his fingertips, applying soft pressure. Black dots danced before his eyes. Snape ignored his reaction, continuing to look down at Remus with mistrust. "Do they have any clue as to how he did it or where he is now?" Remus asked, his voice small and hoarse. Never in his life would he have expected such news tonight. He was just glad it had not been delivered to him during dinner, because the students and the other colleagues were not supposed to see him like that. Snape furrowed his eyebrows, "According to Dumbledore, the Ministry has no leads at all. Black simply disappeared, which makes the whole matter highly suspicious." Remus took a deep breath to calm himself down. He could feel the Potions Master's nervousness in the room, and even without much help from his werewolf abilities, he realized that his counterpart was beside himself with rage. Snape's rib cage rose faster than usual, and the otherwise corpse-like skin of his cheeks was reddened. "I have not seen Sirius for twelve years, nor have I had contact with him in any form," Remus began quietly. He did not know why he had the urge to defend himself, but his mouth acted faster than his brain. Presumably, Snape would leave his office sooner after hearing a statement. "I cannot deny our shared past, but I would never have helped him with his escape after everything that happened." Remus' throat was dry, and he cleared it swiftly.

It was a strange feeling to talk about Sirius after so many years in front of Snape. Almost peculiar. The latter did not look very convinced, but after an emphatic pause for silence he moved the chalice closer to Remus. "If I were you, I would drink this now. Not to imagine what would happen if you forgot." Remus nodded, grateful that Snape was no longer picking on his projected complicity. He just needed to be alone now, needed time to gather his thoughts. "Thank you, Severus, I will see you tomorrow," Remus said hesitantly, closing both hands around the chalice. Fortunately, Snape had been careful not to use a cup made of real silver.

Realizing that Snape would not leave before he had drunk the potion, Remus led the chalice with the dark blue liquid to his mouth. He had never drunk Wolfsbane potion before and when his tongue first touched the viscous liquid, he flinched. The potion tasted terrible. Its initially bitter aroma was instantly accompanied by a burning sensation that eventually numbed both his tongue and throat. Remus prayed that Snape had brewed the potion properly and that he would not, to make matters worse, be forced to go to the Hospital Wing with severe poisoning. He shook himself as he finally put down the empty cup. What a horrible experience, but all times better than transforming into a senseless monster. Snape took the chalice in his hand. The man's black eyes remained in the room for a moment longer, looking around quickly. As if Snape was hoping to find proof for his accusations in Remus' office. Finally, he whirled around and left the bleak office, his dark cloak swaying after him.

When the door fell shut, Remus spoke a quick _Aquamenti,_ because even though he still had no feeling in his throat, he wanted to wash away the taste of the potion as quickly as possible.

Then he rose and went to one of the large windows. The cool night air hit his face, a feeling he was more than satisfied with at the moment. He cursed - not even a day in Hogwarts and all his thoughts were again involuntarily focused on Sirius Black. _Maddening._ Remus wanted to live anew, wanted to start over, but the past seemed to catch up with him again and again. And now the murderer of his best friends, his family, the man to whom he had once given everything and more, was at large again. He could feel hot anger boiling up inside him.

How could Snape dare to claim that he might have had something to do with Sirius' disappearance?

How could Sirius have the audacity to reappear on the scene after more than a decade?

He pressed his forehead against the cold glass of the window, closing his eyes. It was he who had once known Sirius better than anyone else, he who had been able to foresee and comprehend every thought of his, no matter how insignificant. Remus was aware that this connection had shattered a long time ago, and yet he wondered why Sirius had dared to take the step of breaking out at this particular moment. Had he planned his escape all along?

Looking down at the scars on his forearm, Remus uttered a hissing sound. He could not deal with the matter now, so close to the full moon. His new life, his job as a teacher, demanded more urgent attention. All of England was looking for Sirius, it was simply not possible for him to remain undiscovered for long.

Besides, there was nothing keeping him here and whatever the reason for his sudden escape, he probably planned to leave the country anyway. Remus' heart became heavy, the feeling making him all the more angry. He hated that his mind still clung to Sirius. Leaning on the windowsill with cold hands, Remus looked out the window of his office. The nocturnal Hogwarts was mysterious and enchanting and from his perspective he could see the Astronomy Tower. The Marauders had studied Astronomy together since their third year and had enjoyed it until the end of their school days. Sometimes on clear summer nights, they would sneak up on the tower, watching the stars as a group. Peter had a terrible fear of heights and was always careful not to stand on the balustrade of the tower railing. Quite the shame because the view from up there was breathtaking and not only could you see almost all of Hogwarts, but you could also marvel at the imposing landscape with its lakes and mountains around the castle. It was as if time stood still on top of Hogwarts. Sometimes the four friends, knowing that all lessons on the tower were only in the evening hours, had even spent the night on the lookout. Covered with blankets, stocked up on snacks and a few beers. With the telescope of the tower they had looked at the entire sky, determined all constellations. Much to the chagrin of Sirius, whom every second star name reminded of another member of his manic pureblood family. The Blacks had a tradition of naming their descendants after stars and he himself was no exception.

The star named Sirius was the brightest in the night sky and even today, years after Remus had last paid attention to it, he was able to locate the luminous orb immediately. He looked at it in pain, raw emotional anguish overcoming him. _How could you destroy everything we had?_

The lycanthrope realized that nothing could save him from wallowing in the past anymore, today had just been too packed with surprises, and thus he closed the window with a heavy heart and slowly ascended the stone staircase leading up to his bedroom. For a moment he thought about pouring himself a glass of whiskey from the bottle he had bought before his departure, but since his mouth was still numbed by the potion, he let the thought vanish.

The otherwise quiet and relaxed evening, which he had imagined enjoying after the festivities in front of the fireplace with a good book, had become an emotional ordeal that he had to go through alone once again. Just as he always had to go through everything alone. Wordlessly, Remus turned off the light in the room with a short wave of his wand and sat down on the bed which slightly gave way under his weight. During moments like these, he wished to be able to simply forget everything. Neither feel his agonizing thoughts nor the effects of the lycanthropy. _It was possible._

Shaking his head, Remus closed his eyes. He knew that this territory was dangerous, because it brought him back to the time, right after the death of his friends, when he had numbed his unbearable grief with _remedies_. He was older now, much more mature, and yet the thought still frightened him. After the sudden death of his mother, Remus had been completely alone at once, without even one potential connection left. All the supports of his previous life, people who had meant the world to him, were either dead or gone. He had no one. Without thinking long enough about the consequences, he had often spent his time in Knockturn Alley.

Among his own kind, among other werewolves.

Many of them had become exactly what society considered them to be, scum without morals or brains. Remus had been young, manipulable, and through the encouragement of other lycanthropes, the only people who wanted to have something to do with him back then, he had developed a genuine drug addiction. Powdered nightshade roots. Ideal to forget everything for a moment, perfect to ease the pain of his existence.

He had not thought about this dark phase of his life for ten years. Remus could not imagine what would have happened if he had not been strong enough to realize how quickly you can go off the rails when being surrounded by the wrong sorts of people. Since then, he had sometimes craved the sensation of absolute numbness, he would lie to himself if he denied this, but never gave in to the temptation again. In contrast to the other werewolves, he had a conscience and standards, and this very conscience forced the thought out of his head. Tomorrow, he would need his energy to prepare and teach lessons.

A good enough reason to find sleep.


	9. Back from the Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter introduces my first very own character. Enjoy! ♥

***

 _"_ _M_ _other, please," the boy's voice was panicky and frightened, "please, you're going to kill him!" He could hardly see the two of them, saw only their feet, as he lay on the polished wooden floor. "I will say this for the last time, Regulus, your brother deserves to be punished," the witch replied in a cold tone, her words like poison. As she turned to the younger boy, taking her eyes off him, his pain stopped for a moment and he could gasp for air. His wand was also lying on the ground a few inches from his hand. "Let me talk to him, you know that worked before, please," the boy started again, but was interrupted by the shrill voice of the woman. "Quiet! I will tolerate no more interruptions. If you want to get involved, sit down next to him right now and share his suffering." The boy fell silent immediately, but the silence in the room lasted only briefly. Another Crucio echoed through the room and Sirius felt the bloodcurdling pain hittng his body again. He was writhing in agony and, when the curse finally subsided, could hear Regulus' soft sobbing over his own rattling breath. "You see, Sirius," said the woman in a smug voice, "your brother is filled with anguish at the mere sight of you. I hope you have learned your lesson." When no further curse seemed to follow, Sirius propped himself from the ground with trembling hands and reached for his wand. Slowly, he rose, wiping the blood from his lower lip, and looked into the witch's face._

_Her pale cheeks were reddened with anger, in stark contrast to her long black hair, which was pinned straight up. Behind her, clutching a column, stood his brother, stunned with a frightened face._

_Regulus had already witnessed many terrible things, but the fight today had been by far the worst one ever. Sirius felt as if he had been broken for good this time and just wanted to leave. His mother seemed satisfied with her punishment and left the salon with a scornful grin. As her footsteps faded away in the hallway and a door closed behind her, Regulus rushed to his side, kneeling down next to him. "Are you all right?" he asked agitatedly, obviously overwhelmed by the overall situation. Sirius spat some blood on the floor beside him and held his aching ribs, "I'm fine." When he was back on his feet, he looked into the watery eyes of his distraught brother, who, at thirteen years of age, was far too young to witness such ordeal, "I've got to go, Reg. I've got to get out of here today.“ The boy's tears fell over his cheeks, he was just a child, "You can't leave me alone, not here, please, big brother!”_

Sirius' eyes opened abruptly, and he shot up, sweaty and gasping for air. Regulus' distraught face seemed burned into his field of vision, but after he blinked a few times, the memory of his dream disappeared. At first, he was surprised not to feel the cold stone floor of Azkaban beneath him, but then reality overcame him. He had left Azkaban behind, had managed to escape. But where was he now? His body felt comfortably warm, an unfamiliar and almost forgotten feeling, and his fingertips clasped soft fabric, a bedsheet.

Had he passed away? Surely that must have been the case, no one would have survived the strains of his escape.

"At last you are awake, I almost thought you were getting comatose," a sudden voice spoke not far from him, and Sirius shrugged violently. Only now did he realize that a small fire was crackling in the fireplace on his right but also that a person in a rocking chair was sitting next to the very same. Carefully, he looked around as his eyes became more and more accustomed to his surroundings. The room he was in was small and cozy, and the fire in the fireplace bathed the scene in a yellow light. In addition to a vast number of different plants, which were both on the floor and hanging from the ceiling, he could make out a small dining table, a kitchenette with wooden cooking utensils and cast-iron kettles, several bookcases, a wing chair with an obviously self-knitted cover and the aforementioned rocking chair. In the latter sat a small, roundish old lady with red cheeks and large green glasses. Her short blonde hair was curly, and she wore a checkered robe of various shades of green, combined with a woolen cardigan. Sirius looked down at himself, down at his palms, and noticed that they were both bandaged. He pinched his eyes together in confusion. The woman seemed to notice his inner struggle, for she stood up and handed him a teacup, "I can imagine that all this is certainly strange to you, my boy. You must have a lot of questions." Sirius' finger curled around the handle of the teacup, but he did not bring it to his mouth.

"Where am I?" he asked quietly, examining the woman from head to toe. "You are in Baxley Grove, my cottage in Kamwell Forest, the north of England. My name is Martha Harrison, and I am a former professional herbologist." The woman's voice sounded so sweet and familiar that Sirius almost thoughtlessly sipped at his tea, but then quickly restrained himself and lowered the cup again. After all, he did not know the stranger and she might as well want to poison him.

"I am not working with the Ministry, nor do I intend to poison you," Martha said amusedly, as if she had read his mind, "I have given you this tea before, actually added a tonic to it. Self-made, of course. You have slept for almost two days and had a slight fever." Sirius grabbed his temples, he felt as if he had been drinking all night, "I was at the coast and collapsed," he stammered softly. The woman, Martha, also took a sip from her steaming teacup, "Exactly, that's where I found you two days ago. You were unconscious and I don't think you would have survived if I hadn't taken you with me." Sirius looked down, so she had saved his life. Although she had of course already seen him, he pulled the blanket over his shoulders in an attempt to cover his prisoner uniform. "There is no reason for that," Martha replied kindly, "I know who you are, my dear, and I have lived long enough to recognize a prisoner's uniform from Azkaban." So she was a witch, Sirius combined in his mind, even though the conclusion was redundant. How else could the elderly lady have taken him with her? He smiled slightly and inhaled the fresh aroma of the steaming tea, "How is it that you are not afraid of me?" Martha laughed out loud, a contagious, honest laugh full of real joy, "Why should I be? Because you are the notorious mass murderer Sirius Black? I already didn't believe that nonsense ten years ago." She straightened her glasses, which were all fogged up from the steam of her tea. The little gesture made Sirius smile.

"Or because you are the evil genius who managed to break out of Azkaban? No, my dear, there is goodness in your eyes, I have seen it. Ever since I saw the first newspaper article with pictures of you, I knew that the Ministry had made another huge mistake. Just like with my Albert back then."

Sirius finally sipped at his tea and the brew tasted fantastic. Sweet, wholesome and like a warm embrace. "Who is Albert?" he asked curiously. "Albert was my dear husband," Martha began dreamily, "He has been dead for several years now, dragon pox are a terrible disease, but in the 70s he got sent to Azkaban because of our research. For three whole years." She cleared her throat, "Let's put it this way, Albert was the kindest person in this world and could not even hurt a fly, and since his imprisonment, I have lost faith in our good old Ministry." Sirius looked at her with an engrieved expression. Ever since he knew how it felt to lose a dear person, stories like this one hurt him especially, "I am terribly sorry." Martha shook her head, "It's been a long time and I always carry him in my heart," she touched a wooden necklace that lay on her chest, "But enough about me, quid pro quo, you were talking in your sleep. Who are Remus and Harry, if I may ask?"

Sirius hid his face behind the large colorful teacup, undecided where to begin. He did not like to share information about himself and his past, but Martha had saved his life and seemed to be a kind and lovable soul. "Harry is my godson, whose days I was only able to accompany during his first year of life, which is probably why he has already forgotten me, and Remus-," he faltered, unsure what to say. His feelings for Remus had not changed during his imprisonment, yet he was afraid to verbalize it. "Remus is my soul mate, but I haven't seen him for twelve years and I doubt he would still call me the same. Rather the opposite, I believe." It hurt him so much to know that Remus had moved on without him. That the love of his life had blanked him out. "We attended Hogwarts together and shared an apartment near London in the years before my arrest."

As he spoke, Martha looked at him spellbound, her eyes sparkling, which moved him to continue speaking. "I doubt Remus knows of my innocence. He probably believes the Ministry's lies and I can't even blame him, because as a werewolf he has a hard-enough time as it is in this world," Sirius closed his eyes. "Still, I would have liked to talk to him one last time, but apparently I can't keep anything steady in my life. Must be the cursed family name." Before the grief could overpower him, Martha poured some fresh tea into his cup. "Life has been cruel to you, my boy, I'm sorry for how much you've had to suffer at such a young age," she walked towards her kitchen counter, "But take one thing from a sixty-two-year-old woman: As long as you know he's the love of your life, as long as you are certain, you have to fight for him. Love always finds a way." Sirius smiled faintly; her words too good to be true. "I am sure Remus is living a different life now, started a new chapter and has a family," Sirius replied softly, rubbing his eyes. He could not even imagine the love of his life with anyone else. Just the thought of it brought tears to his eyes. "You can never know that until you have seen it with your own eyes. You can't let true love, real passion, go as quickly as one might think," Martha replied with a wink, underscoring each of her words with the swing of her wooden cooking spoon, “Maybe there is still a way.”

The woman had such a positive aura that whenever she smiled, Sirius felt much better. "But before you can convince yourself of anything, we have to get you back on your feet. I'm afraid you weigh less than the big potted plants in my garden." Unfortunately, she was right. Sirius had to hold the teacup with both hands, because otherwise it was too heavy for his emaciated wrists. How pathetic.

"It is all part of the prison aesthetic," he replied, pausing as he realized that he had just made the first sassy comment in years. Perhaps his old self was not quite eradicated yet. Martha giggled, gesturing behind her, "Lucky for you, I just put on one of my famous hearty stews. As a first solid meal, it should be just right for you, and it will give you strength back." Sirius nodded gratefully, quietly asking himself when he had last eaten anything. There was silence between the two of them for a while, interrupted only by Sirius' quiet slurping and the sound of vegetables being cut, then, Martha suddenly started talking again. "While the stew is still cooking, you can take a nice, warm herbal bath. I'm sure you'll want to get rid of that old thing," her eyes fell on his torn prisoner uniform. He shivered and uncovered himself to look at it, suddenly feeling incredibly dirty. A luxury he had never thought about in Azkaban. "I'd love nothing more," Sirius said with a disgusted look, "Do you have something I can wear instead?" The question suddenly seemed completely impertinent to him, after all, Martha had already done so much. "Of course, I have kept many of my Albert's clothes," Martha replied, waving her wand. From the bottom drawer of a small wooden wardrobe flew a few sweaters and pants and landed in Sirius' lap on the bed. "They won’t fit properly, after all, my Albert loved to eat just as much as I do, but they should be enough for now and also keep you adequately warm," laughed Martha heartily. Sirius ran his thin fingers over the fabric of a forest green coarse knitted sweater. Somehow, the soft material reminded him of Remus.

"Thank you, Martha," he said slowly, without looking up, "I can't thank you enough."

The large bathtub of the small cozy bathroom was already filled with green fragrant water when Sirius entered the room. It was immediately apparent that a herbologist furnished this room as well, because in addition to numerous candles, there were also various potted plants. All very neat, tidily lined up, and Sirius felt like a nuisance when he hesitantly took one of the large towels Martha had apparently already put aside for him. What did he do to deserve this woman and her kindness? Gently, he unbuttoned his uniform and threw it aside in sheer disgust. In Azkaban, he had only been allowed to shower once a week, alone, without access to other prisoners. The water had been freezing cold, and since there were no towels either, he had often transformed into Padfoot to shake the cold drops off his skin. Because of the fur, he had been better protected from the cold. The dog had truly saved his life many winters. When he reached for one of the razor blades, which Martha said he was allowed to use, he saw himself in a large mirror and cringed. For more than a decade, he had not looked at himself fully. And what he saw scared him. Outwardly, he had become one of those men at whose sight his old self would have changed sides of the street.

The bones of his body were sticking out almost everywhere, but the worst were his collarbones and ribs. Only his tattooed skin still covered these areas, no trace of muscles or tendons left. His face was not only hollow, but downright skeletal. Pale and tired. The man's eyes had also changed a lot and lacked the otherwise familiar shimmer. Instead, they seemed dull and absent, as if from a corpse. Sirius’ hair was far too long, desperate for a haircut, and tarnished by the lack of nutrients.

He could hardly look himself in the eyes, for his own gaze was too shattering. With trembling fingers, Sirius reached for the razor blade and slowly began to trim the beard hairs on his face. Although he had not done this for so long, he was surprised not to cut himself even after several minutes. When he was reasonably satisfied with the result, even though you could now see the pallor in his face all the more, he got into the steaming bathtub. The scent of the herbal substance that dissolved in the water had already spread throughout the room, enveloping him in a fresh yet relaxing aroma.

The moment his skin touched the warm water was so powerful that Sirius began to laugh softly, overwhelmed by the pleasure of this feeling. After all the strain of his escape and so many years of coldness and solitude, the warm water was like a tender embrace. It felt as if he was finally in a safe place, protected by the soothing substance that breathed new life energy into his body. Sirius laid his head on the flat edge of the bathtub, closing his eyes. As a child and adolescent, he had bathed almost exclusively, as this had been exemplified by his parents and, according to them, was the nobler way of personal hygiene. He had always taken a long time to clean up, after all, he had his own bathroom, and no one could disturb him. At Hogwarts, there were no bathtubs for the normal student body, only one large private bathroom for the Headboys and Headgirls of the respective houses. Each dormitory had several shower stalls, which Sirius initially had to get used to. Although showering was practical, at least for people like James, who used to shower faster than you could say "Quidditch", he had been overjoyed to have both, a bathtub and a shower, in their later apartment.

His preference for extensive baths still remained, though he suspected that Azkaban's nasty cold showers contributed to this. Martha had provided him with a selection of different shampoos and shower gels, all homemade, and Sirius could not help but admire the craftsmanship of the woman. He chose a product that smelled of freedom. The woody-spicy blend of beguiling musk nuances, fresh mint and the tart aromas of cedar transported him right into the midst of nature - back to the moments after the full moon when the Marauders walked through the forest on their way back to the castle. After he had thoroughly washed his entire body, the salt water mixed with Azkaban's filth removed from his skin, he shampooed his hair a full four times before he was satisfied.

On the last count, he leaned back and massaged his scalp once more. It just felt wonderful to be clean again, to get a part of his old self back. Outside the cottage, it had now begun to thunder, he could clearly hear the slight rumble through the windows. Knowing that Martha was waiting for him with the dinner, the mere thought made him smile, he held his breath and dipped into the green water to wash off all the bath foam. The inside of the tub was completely submerged in silence, no sound reached his ear, and even the increasing thunder and its accompanying rain noises had disappeared. With his head under water, he could only hear his own heartbeat, weak but steady. But when he had washed out his hair and was about to resurface, something grabbed him by the arm, pulling him back into the depth of the bathtub. Panic-stricken, he opened his eyes, shocked about what was happening, but the murky color of the water allowed him little vision. The bottom of the bathtub seemed to have widened and he could no longer feel it underneath him.

Subsequently, the hand that had wrapped itself around his thin forearm exerted such strong pressure that he could not break free. With all his strength he struggled against his attacker, but when another hand pulled him back by his hair, he knew that there was no escape. The air in his lungs slowly ran out and he fought back harder, but in vain.

Then, suddenly, he heard voices, familiar voices. Kingsley Shacklebolt talking to Albus Dumbledore. He had overheard their conversation a year before his imprisonment after an order meeting. "I think it would be better not to tell him. After all, we do not know if the rumors are true," Dumbledore's voice was hushed and secretive. Kingsley nodded, yet his eyes were worried, "I know they've lost contact with each other, but Walburga Black is beside herself with grief. Regulus was the only son she had left." Dumbledore looked at him intensely, "Still, we do not know if the circumstances of his death are true. Sirius does not need to hear it from us. The boy is already under enough pressure, and no one can say how he would take such news."

The words echoed in his ears as he felt more arms pulling him deeper and deeper into the dark water, the faint light of the surface now far away from him. This was how he had learned of Regulus' death. His brother had died far too early, at only eighteen years of age, and Sirius had never known what exactly had happened. He had always assumed that Regulus had been murdered by a fellow Death Eater. Perhaps his brother had asked too many questions, had become too dangerous for Voldemort’s liking. His original panic was now many times stronger, for he could no longer breathe. With his last ounce of strength, he uttered a scream, hoping that Martha might hear him, but the water muffled his sound, allowing only bubbles of air to rise from his mouth.

What kind of magic was this? Surely it could not end now! Slowly, his mouth opened, his insides desperately pleading for oxygen. Sirius was too weak to fight it any longer and thus swallowed the cold lake water, letting his lungs take it in like air. Lake water? Clearly, he was no longer in the bathtub, but in a lake, alone and abandoned. As his eyes fell shut, he heard other words, this time very close, as if the lips of the person speaking were right next to his ear. Inside his head. Undoubtedly, the voice belonged to Regulus.

_"You can't leave me alone, not here, please, big brother!”_

Then he felt two warm hands on his skin, more alive than the previous ones, and was torn up at the shoulders. When his upper body was out of the water, because of Martha who fanatically shook him, he coughed heavily and spat out the water that had effectively blocked his airway. His breathing, which was now working again, was rattling and desperate, and he cramped his fingers in the chubby witch's cardigan. Hastily, he looked around the whole room, his eyes wild and unfocused. Sirius was back in the small cozy bathroom and everything was just like before. "What happened?" Martha asked anxiously, kneeling beside the bathtub and holding him upright, "When I heard the water splashing out of the tub, but you didn't answer, I came in. Are you okay?" Sirius' frightened gaze swished from the woman's eyes to the bottom of the bathtub, which was now firm and sturdy again, "What? I-," he could not think straight. Martha brushed one strain of wet hair from his face, a maternal gesture which, under different circumstances, may have made Sirius emotional, "It looked like you were having a seizure or hallucination. Do you want to talk about it?"

Sirius slowly let go of the material of her cardigan and closed his arms around the drawn-up knees in the water. He had no idea what just happened, but he knew what it meant. "I watched him die," he said whisperingly in a rough voice, "felt how he must have felt in his last moments. Regulus, my brother." Sirius swallowed, staring wide-eyed at the bottom of the bathtub, which he could feel but not see, "It's been years ago, but I never knew how he died. Now I do. Something pulled him into the water, he drowned, he-" Martha reached behind her, without taking her eyes off him, and put a big towel around his shoulders, "Everything will be alright. Azkaban exposes us to the worst mental torture. My Albert was never the same again, even though he had only been there for three years. I think you have certain triggers that elicit manic episodes," her voice was calm and understanding. When the physical tension of Sirius's near-death experience subsided and his breathing rhythm returned to some degree of normal, his lungs and nostrils burning because of the water, he felt empty and exhausted. It was true, Regulus had really been murdered. Not by another Death Eater, but by something else entirely. He had been drowned by something cold, something dark. The Animagus used to have this unexplainable connection to his brother when he was a child, but since he had run away from home, he had assumed that their shared bond had to been broken for good.

Sirius shuddered, wanting to suppress the painful reminder but could not think about anything else - his brother had thought of him shortly before his death, recalling the moment when Sirius had left him _._ He rubbed his aching temples. _I should have protected you, but I cannot even protect myself._

_Forgive me!_

Martha patted him gently on the back and stood up, "Dinner is finished and waiting for you. Take your time getting ready, and we'll talk again afterwards if you like." Sirius nodded, "Thank you, thank you for being here," but when the herbologist tried to close the door behind her again, he shouted after her in panic. "Wait, Martha? Can you please leave the door open just a crack? I'd rather not be alone now." The short witch smiled softly and flicked her wand, magically preventing the door from shutting completely.


	10. Take the Pain Away

***

The first week of school had gone by so fast and alongside his euphoria of standing in front of the class, Remus had found out that with a little help from Minerva, it was not too difficult for him to plan the lessons and put them into a chronology. For now, the students, especially the third years of Gryffindor, seemed to like him as well, which made him more than happy. After two lessons with Harry Potter in his classroom, Remus realized that the boy was the perfect mixture of James and Lily. He was brave and had a lot of confidence in himself, but he was polite and modest at the same time. His parents would certainly have been very proud of him. Harry radiated an inner satisfaction during Remus' lessons, a deep gratitude, and Remus began to wonder how the boy really fared with his relatives in the home of Lily's sister.

Lost in thought, he skewered a piece of broccoli onto his fork. The Great Hall was quieter than usual today, probably because he had made the decision to leave his office several hours later than usual today. The first weekend back at Hogwarts was often used by the older students for extended visits to Hogsmeade. Especially in the evening hours, during which the bars became crowded. Unfortunately, the full moon would light up the sky in less than two days and the pain in Remus' bones was already almost unbearable. He felt like an old, frail man who had returned from war. Tomorrow, he would have to avoid long walks if possible and use a walking stick to cover shorter distances. Fortunately, it was Friday evening, and he would not have to see or teach the students for the next two days. His lesson with the Hufflepuffs on next Monday noon was already substituted by Minerva, for which Remus was immensely grateful. He would need the first day of the week for regeneration, would spend it either in bed or in the hospital wing, depending on the severity of his post-transformation suffering. Remus took a sip of his tea and was surprised to find that it had already turned quite cold. Although only a few students and hardly any other teachers were still eating in the hall, the voices of those present in conversation were unbearable for Remus. He was able to understand almost every word, even though practically everyone was sitting more than a few meters away from him. Cheers to the heightened senses of the approaching wolf.

Even though he tried to block them out, their words distracted him, irritated him and he wordlessly renewed occasional silencing charms as best he could. Of course, the group of Ravenclaw second graders in the first row of the group tables discussed the volatile issue again. Sirius. The whole week, at the latest since the _Daily Prophet_ had printed the news of his escape and thus informed even the last student of the unbelievable scandal, the youngsters had hardly talked about anything else. Sirius was the number one topic of conversation and Remus was tired of unintentionally hearing the name of his former friend being mentioned all around Hogwarts. Now, five days after the escape from Azkaban, the Ministry still had not one single promising lead. Downright disturbing how Sirius seemed to have simply vanished from the face of the earth. Remus had already overheard the craziest theories of the students, attempts to explain how the criminal could have managed to escape from the high security prison. Yet, as amusing as he found the childish horror stories, he knew the real person behind them, not the myth of the cold-blooded murderer.

At least he had believed to know him up until it had been too late.

"Maybe he's not a human being at all, but a ghost or a vampire," whispered a Ravenclaw girl with short brown hair, tapping her finger on one of her books, "Couldn’t it be that he has been deceiving the guards for all these years but his true self has finally come out?" Her friend shook her head, "No way! Would you have waited so long, locked up in a cell, if you had such powers? No, he must have had a reason for his escape." A blond boy sitting across from them also lowered his voice, "I checked out some newspaper articles from 1981. According to them, Black also had a pretty dark past. Could it be that his killing spree is not over yet?" Remus sighed and strengthened the silencing charm. Admitting that he would no longer eat the vegetables on his plate, the professor clumsily rose from the dinner table. His almost non-existent appetite had completely disappeared as a result of the youngsters' conversation. Of course, they were not to blame. As a student, he would have certainly been curious as well. The whole thing sounded like a nice ghost story.

Still, Remus needed his rest now. After the first steps towards the exit, the man regretted not taking his walking stick with him. His feet were heavy and tired, and he had to pull himself together not to dramatically limp in front of the remaining students who all, smilingly, wished him a good night. Cursed lycanthropy. Such constant pain would eventually make him lose his mind. The last transformation before his arrival at Hogwarts had been particularly nasty and the lycanthrope had not fully recovered for nearly a week. In moments like these, he was always relieved to be a wizard, not to imagine what he might have done without magic. When the door of his office fell shut with a soft metallic sound, Remus felt as if he had spent a whole day hiking on steep mountain paths. With an exerted sigh, he let himself fall into the armchair in front of the fireplace. His heavy limbs relaxed instantly. However, the deep-seated pain in his bones, a burning sensation that could not be described, remained.

With trembling fingers, Remus poured himself a glass of whiskey, because the alcohol sometimes managed to distract him from the pain surprisingly well. But when he emptied the glass in one go, he felt that today was not one of those liberating days. A loud bang of the old grandfather clock in the room told him that it was already nine o'clock in the evening and Remus leaned back in the armchair, agitated. He closed his eyes, a desperate attempt to calm himself. In the past, there had only ever been two things that could distract him from his pre-full moon pain. Deep relaxation or physical intimacy. He had been missing both since the death of his friends. During their time after Hogwarts, back in Godric’s Hollow, Lily had often made it her job to read to him, her voice calm and gently, when he was in particularly severe pain before or after a transformation. Not only Remus had enjoyed this kindness, but all the Marauders had often dozed off in the course of her stories. Remus had often joked with Lily about how the stories, which initially served to distract from his pain, made James and Sirius flake out instantly. Both of them had been stretched out on the sofa like toddlers, fast asleep, and Lily had not missed taking pictures of them.

It had also always soothed Remus whenever Sirius had snuggled up to him, comforting and reassuring, his head on Remus' chest. Back then, safe and sound in their shared apartment. Unspeakably mind-boggling that the man with whom he had spent almost every night since their seventh year at Hogwarts, who had taken care of him like no other, had been capable of such cruelty. Remus' hand stiffened around the whiskey glass as he felt the pain inside him intensifying.

_He would need something stronger than alcohol to get rid of the agonizing sensation._

As delightful as the first week had been, it had also stirred him up, and the constant sound of Sirius' name, the constant fuss around him, had only made Remus dive deeper into the dark corners of a long unlit headspace. Although his life was more controlled today, probably the most controlled since a decade, he still had the feeling of losing more and more power over his feelings every day. The memories of Hogwarts, lingering in the corridors and halls, were too deep and, coupled with the explosive news of the escape, caused a rift in Remus' painstakingly built mental health. He had to be careful, this was only his first week. Looking into the fire, trying to take his mind of things, a sudden thought came to him.

He had not consumed his Wolfsbane potion today because Snape had not come to his office like the days before. Or Remus had missed him because of his unusually late dinner. Either way, it did not matter.

Without a second thought, Remus waved his wand whereupon a walking stick flew out of his bedroom into his opened hand. He would have to go to Snape's office, that was certain, because the potion needed to be drunk today. Otherwise, all the chalices of the past five days would have been useless as the potion was only effective if drunk every day during the last week prior to the full moon. Without exception.

As he agonized down the stairs to the basement of the castle, why there were no elevators at Hogwarts after all these years was a mystery to him, Remus fervently hoped that Severus had not yet gone to bed. Another walk to Dumbledore's office, like a student who had no other way of helping himself, was not exactly what he had imagined happening on a Friday night. Fortunately, there were no more students in the hallways. When Remus, fanatically leaning on the walking stick with one hand, finally made it to the door of Snape's office, he felt more like a pensioner than a man at the age of 33. The basement at Hogwarts was dark and dimly lit, but Remus had no trouble orienting himself in the subdued light. Some of the wolf's abilities, especially the enhanced sight, were also handy. Straightening his shoulder, the professor knocked three times on the heavy wooden door. Desperation rose in Remus when he initially received no answer. Would Dumbledore be able to help him at all now? But then a quiet "Yes", unmistakably coming from Snape, rushed through the office door to his ears.

Feeling a wave of relief, Remus entered. He had no memory of ever visiting Slughorn's old office, as the interior did not look familiar to him. The design of the room undoubtedly resembled the Potions classroom. Golden lettering adorned the roundly arched cellar arcades of the walls and the light of two large candlesticks bathed the room in a dimmed light. Its walls were lined with bookshelves and directly in Remus' line of sight stood a large shelf with many different glasses and tins, neatly labeled and set up. Quite obviously a shelf with ingredients for potions. Snape sat opposite him, behind a desk made of dark wood, his face immersed in parchment rolls. _Had he already, in the first week of school, assigned his essays?_ The moment Remus closed the door behind him, Snape slowly looked up from his paper and put aside his black pen.

It almost looked as if he was expecting Remus and suddenly the lycanthrope, now standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, felt taken back to his school days.

"Good evening, Severus," Remus said with a tired smile, "I am terribly sorry, but I must have missed your visit tonight. I was in the Great Hall until just now." Snape eyed him, his face looking even more sunken in the flickering light of the fireplace. "I don't know if you are aware of this, Lupin, but I am not your errand boy," a bored eye movement gestured Remus to sit in the green wing chair in front of the fireplace. Remus tried not to let the pain in his bones show as he steered towards the armchair, but when he sat down, his face twisted in discomfort. "Forgive me, as you can see I'm having quite a hard time with my condition today," Remus began in a calm tone, "I think I'll have to get used to taking the potion every week before the full moon."

Snape once again turned his gaze to the pages of parchment on his table, "Obviously. Let me just finish this page." Remus nodded and now felt guilty for disturbing the Potions Master at such an inhumane hour on a Friday night of all days. Slightly uncomfortable, Remus looked at the ingredients shelf not far from them. Snape really had an impressive collection of various magical and non-magical substances. Unicorn hair, moonstone powder, dittany leaves, he recognized many things from Slughorn's lessons, because even though he himself had not been the most talented student, he had read a lot about the subject. Snape even had rarer ingredients like Gillyweed or Howlet's wings. Remus smiled, remembering that during their schooldays, Severus had always been very interested in potions and had often philosophized about their ingredients alone with Slughorn after their lesson. However, his interest only seemed to have been awakened as soon as he had been taught together with the Gryffindors, together with Lily. The neat handwriting on each label confirmed Remus that Snape was indeed still a perfectionist. The current Potions Master did not budge, and Remus was about to look further around the room when he suddenly saw it. In the lower third of the ingredients shelf rested a small bottle containing a black substance. Powdery, slightly matt. Remus did not need to read the label to know what the powder consisted of. Nightshade roots, his former downfall. His heart began to beat faster as he stiffened his gaze on the small bottle. It had been so many years and yet, Remus had thought about the substance more often than he would have liked during the past week. How effectively it had taken away his pain, how good the soft veil in his head had felt. Complete emptiness, complete numbness. Being dead without actually dying.

Remus swallowed, his senses longing for the essence as much as for a warm cup of tea after a chilly walk in the woods. What was wrong with him? But before he could grasp another thought, Snape's black robe blocked his view of the shelf. He had not even noticed that his counterpart had apparently finished his work.

Snape was already holding the chalice with the prefabricated Wolfbane in his hand and now seemed to go through his shelf to add the last ingredient. Remus tried to calm his hammering pulse but did not dare to ask what Snape was adding. He knew that Wolfsbane was one of the most complicated potions and even small mistakes could have disastrous effects. Snape turned to him, a small vial in his hand, and carefully poured it into the goblet along with the other liquid. When the two liquids touched and united by magical stirring, the potion began to steam more and more. "The liquefied giant moonwort powder must always be added fresh," Snape said plainly and handed the chalice to Remus. The wolf’s mouth was completely dry, and he accepted it with a nod.

After emptying the goblet under Snape's stern gaze, Remus felt the nausea overpower him. The horrible taste of the potion had not improved, even after drinking it several times, and the professor shook himself. He closed his eyes and coughed slightly, the quick movement causing him to feel a sharp pain in his temples immediately afterwards. Snape stood, leaned against his desk, watching Remus' agony with a tilted head and unimpressed eyes. "Is there anything else I can do for you?" he asked in a mocking tone of voice, but Remus could neither answer nor shake his head.

His pain was even more insistent after drinking the potion and could not be ignored or played down anymore. "After so many years with lycanthropy, one would think you know that there are remedies for your pain," Snape said factually, walking back towards his shelf. Remus watched with blurred eyes as Snape's long fingers fished a few vials from the shelf and lined them up on the desk. As the Potions Master reached for the vial containing the powdered nightshade roots, Remus hissingly drew in the air. Snape did not miss his reaction and he eyed him amusedly, "I see, so you have experience with the strongest form of painkiller. Interesting." He drummed his fingers on the black wooden table, a cynical grin on his face, “Taken purely for anesthetic effects I suppose?" Remus just wanted to leave, hated that Snape could see through him so easily, but he was simply unable to get up.

Severus opened the cork of the delicate vessel with skillful fingers and held his hooked nose over the powdery substance. Remus had to lean on the armrests of the armchair with both hands to look at him. "You don't forget this scent even after years, would you agree?" said Snape slowly, holding the opened vial under his nose again.

He inhaled deeply, "Quite beguiling, a truly mysterious plant. I smell a deeply sweet note, subtly floral, mixed with heavy sandalwood and a touch of bitterness." Snape's description made Remus shudder; he found the mere words intoxicating. When Snape began to dissolve the powder with a fire spell in his hands and the exquisite smell spread through the room, Remus's breath faltered. There was no way he could or should return to his old vice.

"Wait, Severus, please! I am a teacher now, I-," Remus stammered hoarsely while rubbing his temples. The familiar and almost forgotten smell of the substance was so strong, so inviting, that it demanded all his remaining willpower to articulate these words. He did not want to give in to the temptation, but something within him signaled that his moral ego was already losing. "Relax, Lupin, so am I," Snape said dryly as he poured the now liquid powder into two small shot glasses, "Powdered nightshade roots are only addictive, and also dangerous, if consumed in a contaminated form. I for one am much better equipped than all those shady vendors out there." He put one of the small glasses on the coffee table next to Remus' armchair.

The werewolf could hardly believe his eyes. Did Snape also prepare a glass for himself? "I don't understand," Remus started and looked at Severus' glass, which he swung around lightly in his hand. Snape snorted, "Contrary to what you might have thought, I am a dark horse, Lupin. From time to time, I too allow myself a break. Or shall we say remedy?" The Potions Master glanced at the small glass next to Remus, "No civilized man regrets a pleasure." Remus was very sure that this was a quote from a well-known Muggle novel but still found his situation hard to believe. Was he just about to get high with Snape?

Slowly, his fingers closed around the glass with the runny black liquid. Surprisingly, it was not warm, as Remus would have expected. He had never consumed it that way in the past. The sight brought back so many feelings in Remus. Sadness, despair, helplessness and sorrow, combined with bitter nostalgia and shame.

But when the pain in his temples became stronger again, his morale was finally broken, and Remus desperately looked up at Snape. "It won't interfere with the Wolfsbane," was all he needed to hear and before Snape had even finished his sentence, Remus emptied the glass in one go. After the liquid ran down his still numbed throat, Remus leaned back in his armchair. Immediately, a warm feeling flooded through him and after a brief tingle in his fingertips, the pain in his body was deliciously subdued. It felt like it had before, so many years ago, only better, even more effective. All the tension of the last few days, the confusion and emotional turmoil of the latest news, fell away from him. All that remained was sensual satisfaction. He chuckled softly and opened his eyes, his eyelids heavy and content. Snape had sat down next to him in the second chair, looking at his own hand, which he held in front of his face. His glass was empty as well, and when Remus looked over to him, he began to speak, his eyelids lowered, "You see, I told you that I only have products of the purest quality." Snape's voice sounded different, much warmer than usual, and he crossed his legs over each other. Remus could have laughed out loud. _What would his friends say if they could see him now?_

"I feel so much better, as if I am reborn," Remus said quietly, his words unusually drawn-out, "Are you sure that taking it is without consequence?" Snape waved his hand affirmatively, smiling, "Absolutely, the effect only lasts for a few hours. Fatigue is the only noteworthy side effect." Remus let his head fall back into the armchair. It was as if his need had been answered. Snape suddenly leaned forward in his seat and looked penetratingly into Remus' eyes, as if hoping to see something that would otherwise remain hidden.

"Tell me," Snape started, and his voice was calm and warm, "you would tell me if you had anything to do with Black's escape, wouldn't you?" Remus narrowed his eyes, trying to understand what Snape had just asked him. What was the Potions Master implying? Was that why he offered him the powder in the first place? "By Merlin's beard, how could I have helped Sirius escape if I've never been to Azkaban myself? As a werewolf, I obviously don't have contacts in the Ministry either." Remus smiled, although it was a sensitive subject, he found Snape's accusation rather amusing. Snape looked at him with a bewildered look and blinked, "Did you never visit him?" The question hit Remus harder than expected and the smirk disappeared from his face. Of course, he had never visited Sirius, Azkaban was not exactly a hotel. "Why would I visit someone who did such terrible things?" Remus' voice was soft, the nightshade roots kept him from feeling any distress and yet, he was confused.

Snape fell silent, looking into his hands. But after a brief pause, he began to speak again, "The four of you were always at each other’s side, always together, and there was nothing and no one to break you apart," he swallowed, "To be honest, I always envied that. This form of unconditional friendship, unconditional love." Remus looked into the fire, amazed at how talkative Snape became under the influence of the drug and how much more friendly he was. "I probably thought that this form of love could never die out," Snape added with a sad face. Without the influence of the herb, Remus would have never opened up, especially not to Snape, but something made him want to share his thoughts. "I loved them all more than I loved myself. They were my best friends, a kind of bond you can only make once in a lifetime." Remus folded his hands together, "Especially Sirius. I've tried to hate him all these years, really. I've done everything to forget him and start over, but I can't. Even after twelve years, and believe me, I despise myself for it, I am still hopelessly devoted to this man."

Snape suddenly started laughing and Remus wondered if he had ever heard this laughter, freed from scorn and sarcasm. "Black had always been such an idiot. An annoying, arrogant, handsome idiot." Snape grasped his forehead as if he could see the image of Sirius in his mind's eye, "I was often jealous of him, his charm has saved him from dicey situations on so many occasions. You get away with so much more in life when you are pretty." His cheeks were reddened, blushed even. Now it was Remus who laughed. Had Snape just admitted to finding Sirius attractive? He scratched his head, his fingers cozily warm, "And here I thought you only had eyes for Lily." Severus stared into the room past Remus, "Lily Evans was my one true love. All the more painful for me to lose her and see her go out with Potter." Remus had no idea what to say in reply. Of course, he had noticed Snape's fondness of Lily while they were still at school, but it was only now that he realized the full depth of the Potions Master's feelings.

The lycanthrope leaned forward in his armchair, completely pain-free, "I always thought the two of us could not be more different, but apparently we are united by the sad fact of loving people we will never see again." In response, Snape swung his wand and two glasses accompanied by a whiskey bottle floated out of one of the closed cupboards from the back of the room.

"Let us toast to unrequited love and a bleak future," Snape asked with a half-serious face and poured the golden liquid into both of their glasses. "Life sucks," Remus replied plainly, and both clinked their glasses together.

After what felt like an eternity, Remus had almost fallen asleep, Snape spoke again, "I must confess that I only gave you the nightshade roots to ask you about Black, but now I'm glad we talked so openly." His voice became quieter, "It felt good to speak the truth." Remus had suspected it but was not angry. After all, he had received what he wanted and could forget his pain for one evening. "You've never consumed nightshade roots before, have you? That was all just an act, a big bluff?" Remus asked bluntly, amused that Snape had tried to distinguish himself as a bad boy. "You got me," the black-haired man replied with an embarrassed smile, "but I have observed the usage many times before and can say with certainty that we are quite safe."

Remus could not be more carefree right now. He would deal with potential consequences of his relapse in the morning. His eyelids were heavy, in a relaxed way that he had not experienced in a long time. Snape was right, the pureness of the substance made him tired. "I wanted to give you something else," Snape said calmly, magically sending a piece of parchment levitating from his desk. Remus looked at him in wonder. "Filch confided this to me. At first I thought it was just a joke article, but I think you can do more with it than I can," he looked at Remus mischievously, "Wasn't 'Moony' your nickname in school?" The lycanthrope reached for the paper that Snape held out to him in, frowning in bewilderment.

At first, the old piece of paper did not look very familiar to him, but when he touched it, the memories flashed back into his head. In his hands, he held the long-lost Marauder's Map, a magical map of Hogwarts, which he and his friends had been creating and improving since their third year. Remus could hardly believe his eyes. With restless hands he reached for his wand and unfolded the paper.

"I solemnly swear that I am up to not good," Remus whispered in a timid voice, the words still passing his lips as easily as if he had graduated from Hogwarts only yesterday. When letters and symbols suddenly appeared on the map, Remus' eyes turned watery; the legacy of his friends had outlasted them. _Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs are proud to present the Marauder's Map._ He remembered long evenings in their dorm room, all crammed together in James' bed, the map spread out between them. Peter had usually dozed off, stretched out at the end of the bed. He had never been persistent in staying up late. The other Marauders rummaged through books, plans of the castle and its grounds, to transfer all parts of Hogwarts' interior onto their map. Remus could hear James' voice echoing in his ears, the boy's eyes wide and joyful: "Once we have completed the map, it will be our legacy forever."

The document felt familiar, just the same as it had in his youth. "I can't believe it, Severus, thank you" Remus began to speak, but his voice broke. Snape nodded at him smilingly, his face friendly, honest even, and Remus wondered if his change of character was due to their profound conversation or the relaxation caused by the drug.

Perhaps peace had finally been established between them and the past, consisting of frequent childish quarrels, had been buried. Remus immediately studied the map more closely, but his slightly blurred vision did not allow a thorough examination. After quite a while, he noticed how his eyes drifted more and more away from the parchment and finally fell shut.

When he woke, the room was dark, even the fire in the fireplace had gone out. Merely the soft moonlight that came through the windows told Remus that the new day had not yet dawned. Slowly, Remus straightened up, gladly realizing that the pain-relieving effect of the nightshade roots still lasted, although his thoughts were much clearer again. His head had been lying at a strange angle on the back of the armchair and he stretched to straighten his cervical spine. Snape was still sitting in the armchair next to him, fast asleep. Although Remus was unsure whether it had been wise to speak so openly about Sirius in front of Severus, he was certain that the previous evening had changed something in the relationship between him and the Potions Master. What a nice feeling, finally having smoothed a wave of the past. Remus stood up from his seat, almost silently, he did not need to speak a Lumos spell because, with tomorrow’s full moon, he had reached his maximum night vision. Before quietly leaving the room, he placed Snape's cloak from the wardrobe hook like a blanket over the Slytherin's peacefully sleeping figure. He owed him one.

Back in his office, Remus paused in front of the large window and looked up at the starry sky. The almost round moon bathed the scene in an opaline light, eerie and romantic at the same time.

It was the only time of the moon's phase when Remus could see it in its full form as a human being. He sighed, pressing the Marauder's Map to his chest.

_I will cherish our legacy as long as I can._


	11. So Close, yet so Far

***

"Ouch, Martha!" Sirius exclaimed laughingly and touched his head. The sweet-tempered witch had been taming his hair for half an hour now, a task, which was apparently not at all easy.

"Sweetie, if I am to cut your hair, I must first comb it properly," she replied, amused about Sirius' low pain tolerance, before letting the brush glide through his strands once more. Martha knelt on the floor behind the wooden chair he was sitting in, for Sirius' hair now ran down to his lower back. "I'm almost finished," the former Hufflepuff encouraged him, and grabbed the scissors on the kitchen table, "How long do you normally wear your hair?" He smiled because the question reminded him of his school days. "Up to the shoulder blades please," he replied gratefully. In his sixth year, he had once allowed James to cut his hair, and although the result was acceptable considering the fact that they had both been totally drunk, he preferred to do it himself from that time on. He knew his own hair structure best and could easily estimate how much needed to be cut away to keep his hair healthy. However, he trusted Martha completely because she seemed not only experienced, but also had a special sense of aesthetics.

"Despite years of malnutrition, your hair is still very thick," Martha noted when she made the first cut.

Sirius smiled, there are some things even Azkaban could not destroy. "Maybe the salt water did them good," she continued sarcastically, poking him in the arm. He had only been in her house for four days, and yet it seemed to him as if he had known the loveable woman since forever. They both had the same sense of humor, and even though Sirius did not laugh as often as he used to, Martha had managed to elicit several honest and loud laughs from him a few times during the last few days. They had talked a lot, told each other a lot about their pasts, and even though Sirius had wanted to move on after his bath two days ago, Martha had convinced him to stay and get his strength back first. Sirius was uncomfortable with the fact that Peter was at Hogwarts, close to Harry and Remus, but she was right. He would not have gotten far in his condition without passing out again or, at worst, being captured. A terrible thought. 

"You haven't told me exactly how you found me," Sirius suddenly began, curious about Martha's story. "I'm just asking because it was already dark outside, and the coast is a few miles away from your house." She cleared her throat, but did not stop with the thorough pruning, "I was, as so often, looking for Mimbulus mimbletonia tubers, because those grow only near the coast and are incredibly rare. The tubers often retreat in daylight and therefore every good herbalist recommends looking for them at dusk. I already found an offshoot there, but I cannot detect them so well due to my bad eyesight, despite glasses and magical light." Sirius started to reflect; he had heard about the plant before in Sprout's class but did not want to interrupt. "A few years ago, when I realized my vision wasn't getting any better, I had to use other means," a hidden joy lay in Martha's voice and Sirius wondered why she found the story so exhilarating. "What do you mean?" he asked the chubby witch, who paused her cutting instantly. "I read a lot back then, couldn't let my bad eyes spoil my beloved herb gathering," she giggled and stepped into Sirius' field of vision, "Well, and then I learned this-"

Before Sirius could wonder what Martha meant, the little woman's figure had disappeared and in her place stood a small light-colored squirrel. The rodent ran in a circle and jumped onto Sirius' lap. Sirius' eyes widened and he held on to the back of the wooden chair, having expected anything but this. When Martha transformed back, standing before him in her human form again, words failed him. "No fucking way!" he exclaimed incredulously. "You are an Animagus?”

She laughed out loud, "You should see your face, it’s priceless! Yes, in my animal form, especially as a squirrel, I can search the forest floor much faster, much more agile, and I can also climb trees to find high-level treasures". She happily started to cut his hair again, "Of course, the way to become an Animagus is not without risk and can be quite dangerous if you fail." Sirius grinned, for he had not yet told Martha that he was one himself. "But no risk, no fun, right?" She brushed his hair straight again to compare how much she still had to cut off, "That's how I saw you, from high above, when I was in a tree. Strangely enough, I can see much better as an animal." Sirius leaned forward and took a sip from his teacup, amazed at how many surprises were inside the woman. "With the confidence I have in our Ministry, you probably already guessed that I'm unregistered," Martha added in a more earnest tone, "So please don't turn me in, all right?" Sirius chuckled, "What a shame, I thought we might be able to share a cell."

Both of them laughed. The interaction with Martha was so natural, so wholesome, and especially soothing after so many years of isolation. To be honest, Martha was already more of a maternal figure to him than Walburga ever could have been.

If he could ever prove his innocence, he would tell her about that. But first of all, it was his turn to stow her with his own Animagus form. "Funnily enough, I also have something to show you-"

His words were interrupted by a loud knock on the wooden front door and both stopped in their movements. Sirius turned around, looking into Martha's face and she wordlessly signaled that she was not expecting anyone. It was also far too late for any kind of visit. There was another knock and Sirius jumped up, moving away from the front door. He had a bad feeling and hoped that it would not prove to be true. When Martha, with a wave of her wand, made his teacup and any hint of a second person disappear, he became terribly aware that she was thinking the same thing. He stepped behind the kitchen counter and hid there, listening quietly. Martha went to the front door, her footsteps slow and ordinary. "Take it easy, I am an old lady. Who is there?" A man cleared his throat on the other side, "I am here on official business for the Ministry of Magic, please excuse the intrusion." Sirius heard the door being opened. "Good evening, Mrs. Harrison. I do not wish to disturb you," said the man, his young voice now much clearer, "My name is Frederic Donnelly and I am the manager of the Department of Investigation and Ministry Police branch. A magical click told him that Donnelly showed Martha his ID card. The witch seemed unimpressed, "What can I do for you at such a late hour?"

Donnelly cleared his throat again, and his voice began to sound familiar. "Well, surely you know that one of our high security prisoners, Sirius Black, escaped from Azkaban Prison a few days ago. By official order of the Minister for Magic, Cornelius Fudge himself, a search of all houses within a radius of ten kilometers of the east coast of England has now been ordered. Unfortunately, this house here also falls under this criterion.” Sirius started to sweat. This was exactly what he had hoped to avoid. "Don't be ridiculous," laughed Martha cynically, and Sirius was amazed by how well she could play the guileless housewife, "An old lady like me would not be able to help a psychopath like Black, nor is it any of my business. After all, I don't live alone in the forest because criminal strangers are so dear to me." Donnelly seemed to be taken aback, or at least he did not answer at first, just sniggered insecurely. "I'm sure you have nothing to hide. However, I must take a look around your house, if I may."

He heard Martha's footsteps on the wooden floor, "Sure, come in. But please hurry, I'm reading a really good book at the moment." Sirius' heart was beating like crazy. He did not know what to do and just hoped Donnelly would not go around the kitchen island. "This will only take a moment, Ma'am." Sirius heard the ministry employee go into the bathroom and look around. Uncertain whether Martha had accompanied him into the room, he rejected the idea of peeking out and exchanging a quick glance with her. If the man came into the kitchen, he would only have one option. Sirius prayed that Martha would be able to overplay the moment of her own astonishment should it come to that.

Donnelly, now walking towards the bedroom, opened Martha's wardrobe and the witch chuckled, her voice a little more tense now, "I don't think Sirius Black is hiding behind my coats, Mr. Donnelly!" Fortunately, the ministry worker failed to notice her change of tone and continued his inspection. As his footsteps made their way to the kitchen and Martha began to cough conspicuously, honestly, how thick could Donnelly be, Sirius quickly transformed into the big black dog.

When his eyes met those of the stranger seconds later, he rushed towards him, wagging his tail. Donnelly began to smile, "Oh, hello buddy, who are you?" he asked and stroked Sirius' back, making him cringe. "This is my dog Winston," said Martha, as if she had been rehearsing it for years, "He's skeptical of strangers most of the time, but he seems to like you." Sirius did not fail to see how Martha slowly lowered her wand, putting it back into the pocket of her cardigan while Donnelly patted him distractedly. Would she really have stunned the man had he seen Sirius' human form? He was beginning to wonder which one of them had more criminal energy. Amazing, but also shocking, what the woman was prepared to do for him. Happy with his work, Donnelly rose again and only now did Sirius recognize his face. They had been at Hogwarts together; the ministry worker was three years older than himself and had been in Gryffindor as well. Even then he had not been the brightest. What a coincidence. "It’s a wrap," Donnelly said happily, looking at Martha, "I hope I haven't caused you too much trouble and please continue to be careful. A woman living alone in the forest is like an open invitation to Black." Martha kindly smiled at him and Sirius leaned his head against her calf, "I'm sure I can defend myself well. Besides, Winston here looks after me."

She stroked his head and Sirius emitted an approving bark. Donnelly took off his hat and stepped out into the cold night air, "Have a nice evening, Ma'am." After he apparated and Martha closed the front door, Sirius, now in his human form again, collapsed onto the sofa.

"That was damn close," said Martha and breathed out loud, "when were you going to tell me that you're an Animagus, too?" She threw a pillow at him. "I was just about to tell you before he knocked," Sirius replied slyly and wiped his forehead. "’Winston’, are you kidding me?" Martha laughed, a relieved laugh full of warmth, "That was the name of our former hound when my Albert was still alive." She snapped her fingers and Sirius' filled teacup reappeared on the kitchen table. "So, we're both unregistered Animagi, no wonder we get along so well," Martha began and gestured him to sit down on the wooden chair again, "Where were we?"

She pulled out her hair scissors and Sirius straightened up. One side of his hair was still long, thanks to the interruption, the other a little shorter. "Thanks for playing along so quickly, Martha," Sirius said in a brooding voice, "I don't even want to think about what would have happened if Donnelly had seen me." He shuddered; Azkaban was no longer an option for him. "I wouldn't have let him hurt you, believe me," Martha answered quietly and Sirius wanted to hug her. "Likewise," he replied, looking down. "That is why I will leave tomorrow. I can no longer and will no more put you in danger. I cannot allow you to continue being my accomplice." Martha had now made the final cut and combed his hair again before she began to braid it, "You want to go to Hogwarts, right? To meet Remus and Harry?" Sirius nodded, he just had to make sure they were okay. He had to find a way to expose Peter and convince them of his own innocence.

The thought of seeing Remus again kindled a fire in his stomach, even though Sirius knew that his former partner surely had changed. Still, Remus’ safety was his top priority. Much more important than his own irreversible heartbreak. "On the most direct route, away from the cities and the usual paths, it would surely take you a good five days from here to Hogwarts," said Martha, examining her finished work, "If you apparate at night, you save an enormous amount of time. However, I wouldn't do it that often, since you don't know where exactly they're looking for you."

Sirius looked at his palms. Being alone on the road also meant dealing with his mental baggage and panic attacks. Not to mention the exhausting task of looking for sleeping spots and food. Martha had helped him so much these past few days that he was suddenly afraid to cope without her. "Which reminds me," Martha suddenly exclaimed enthusiastically and walked into her bedroom. Sirius looked after her in confusion, his fingertips touching his new hair. It was now much softer and neater, and Martha had braided it into a Dutch braid. How adorable. The caring witch returned to the living room after a few minutes, an elongated brown box in her hand. "I've kept it all these years, quite sentimental really, but now it has a new chance to be used." She handed him the slightly dusty box. As Sirius removed the lid of the box with gentle fingertips, Martha watching him with gleaming eyes, a wand appeared. The black wooden stick lay on soft velvet and looked as if it had just been polished. "It's nothing special," said Martha, her voice suddenly small and emotional, "thirteen inches, ebony wood and a dragon heartstring as its core, but it belonged to my Albert and is therefore dear to my heart."

Sirius still stared at the wand. It was dark, straight and without convexities, but many symbols adorned its sides. Runes. "Albert was very interested in old runes and equipped his wand with one or the other. All to protect its user from attackers." Martha wiped a tear from her cheek, "I want you to take it. It will be a good servant to you." Sirius swallowed, but the lump in his throat would not disappear. "You, you can't give me that," he stammered softly as he looked at Martha's face in disbelief, "I-I can't accept it."

The clumsy witch carefully took the wand out of its package and pressed it into Sirius' hand, "You need a wand, without one you cannot undertake such a dangerous journey." As his fingers curled around the cool wood, Sirius felt the magical energy flare up inside him. A truly unique feeling. His old wand, the one that got destroyed in Azkaban, also had a core made of dragon heartstrings. "You see," Martha said calmly, "as if it had always been yours." Sirius' eyebrows began to tremble. Never had anyone outside his circle of friends been so kind to him. Although he truly meant to be cheerful, tears were rolling down his cheeks and he laughed emotionally, "I can't believe it, Martha, a beautiful gift." Without further bothering to look for the right words, he unceremoniously pulled the witch into a warm embrace. "I will always cherish and take good care of it, thank you," he whispered into the material of her cardigan. Martha returned his embrace firmly, holding his frail form in her comforting arms. “I’m sure you will.” In his youth, Sirius had never believed in fateful encounters, had been far too busy turning away the destiny of his family, but now, Martha seemed to be a sign. A sign that the universe was not finished with him.

When the next day finally dawned and Martha had made sure that Sirius had both, enough to eat and was provided with goods for his coming journey, it was time to say goodbye. He had only spent a week in Baxley Grove, but it felt like he was leaving home, nevertheless. Since he would be traveling in his canine form most of the time, Martha had not packed him a big lunch box, but had put all the essentials in a small bag disguised by extending spells. "Please take care of yourself," said the little witch with a smile and fell around his neck, "you grew on me, much more than I like to admit in just one week, and I couldn't bear it if they caught you." Sirius stroked her back, "They will not get me, ever." He wanted to tell Martha so much, but now that the time had come, he could hardly put his thoughts in order. "I don't know how I can ever thank you," he began slowly. "Not only did you save my life more than once, you defended me unconditionally and showed me how important it is to fight for what we love. I think your Albert is very proud of you." She poked him in the arm, "Get out of here now, or I'll never let you go again." Both laughed. "I hope you know you are always welcome in my house and can return whenever you want." "I know," Sirius said in a fond voice, "The next time we see each other, I will be a free man, I promise."

A strong wind was blowing now, the forest’s leaves glowing red in the autumn sun. "So long!" he said, reassuringly squeezing her hand before the big black dog stood in front of her again. She sighted, seemingly happy but also sad, as Padfoot disappeared into the forest with a muffled bark _._

_I will return to you, Martha._

_***_

After two days, he had crossed the Scottish border without any problems. Contrary to his expectations, there were hardly any search troops in the woods looking for him. Only once he had encountered disguised Aurors near a small village. Both men had not taken any notice of him because Padfoot’s form was unfamiliar to them. Just his luck.

Moreover, traveling turned out to be more pleasant than expected, because he had started out well rested, well cared for, and now only slept briefly, just when it was absolutely necessary, to prevent nightmares and hallucinations during his doze. Sirius had also already successfully apparated once and was happy to finally feel like a fully-fledged wizard again, thanks to Albert's wand. Magic made many things easier. To be honest, his current journey resembled more a camping trip of an ambitious, self-discovering teenage Muggle than that of a prisoner on the run. Martha had not only packed him some food but had also made sure that he could wash up using her homemade cosmetics. Of course, he only did this at night, when the chance of being seen near the highland lakes he had now reached was close to zero. The cold lake water then served as a pleasant way of cooling down his tired legs. Nevertheless, since his vivid vision in Martha's bathtub, he avoided submerging himself fully in the water, for the memory of his brother's suffering was still too fresh.

Whenever he noticed that his thoughts began to drift away anxiously, he transformed back into his dog form to nip the emerging pain in the bud. As a dog, he had no deeper thoughts, only a purpose. An animalistic instinct to move forward.

And he did this as fast as he could without taking risks. His encounter with Martha and their time together had shown him that sometimes it was more important to take the safe route if it meant protecting his loved ones in the long run. His own life had not meant much to him in Azkaban, he had even been willing to give it up for good, but since Martha had done so much for him and his well-being, he could no longer let her efforts go to waste. She cared about his life and he cared about her. The fact that he still had at least one trusted person in this dreary world drove him on. The certainty of getting closer to Hogwarts every day triggered both, burning excitement and deep fear. Sirius looked forward to the sight of the castle, its imposing and familiar façade, was looking forward to coming home, but was also skeptical about returning.

During his youth, he had only ever felt truly at home at Hogwarts, for there he had been loved and in the company of his friends. Now he had no one at Hogwarts except Harry and Remus, a teenager who did not recognize him and who had probably only been told stories of the vengeful murderer, and his old love, whose reaction Sirius could not fully assess. He only knew that Remus would certainly not be pleased to see him. Howsoever the situation might unfold, Sirius was very much afraid that Hogwarts, at some point his only happy place in the world, would morph into something cold as soon as Remus turned him away. As soon as he abandoned him despite being within reach again.

The autumn leaves crunched under his feet as he roamed through the warm light of the afternoon sun, now as a human, since the mountains had been deserted for hours. He paused briefly on a treeless hill and let the warm sunrays fall on the skin of his pale face. It was almost unreal how strongly it still shone despite it being late September. But it was much more surreal that his skin had not been exposed to the sun for over a decade. Now, each of his pores was craving for the soothing heat source. The feeling was holistic, similarly strengthening as the first spoon of the tasty stew he had eaten at Martha's. It was almost as if his body was filled with sensational new life energy. All these little things, good meals, nice company, the feeling of the sun on his skin and the smell of autumn leaves in his nose, had always been a matter of course for him due to his privileged upbringing. But now, having been through hell and back, he received these stimuli with much more gratitude and appreciated them differently. They reminded him of the few pleasant memories of his childhood, in the summers before his school days, when he had left the grey London with his family and spent the vacations in their French country house. During moments not filled with traditional lessons like piano playing, dancing or learning French, he had been out in the large garden with Regulus, playing in the autumn leaves. Much to the chagrin of their maid, a young French lady who had trouble taming the two wild youngsters. Away from the stern looks of Orion and Walburga Black, Sirius had always felt liberated and carefree.

Sometimes his mother's brother, Uncle Cygnus, had also stayed at the estate with his wife and their three daughters, keeping them company. However, Sirius had little in common with his cousins.

Only Andromeda, who was four years older than him, was fond of him. Bellatrix had been the eldest of the children and therefore, unfortunately, often received supervision of all of them as soon as their nanny had been occupied. She had been oddly deranged, even then, all the more ironic that Sirius had come to Azkaban the same year she had been imprisoned there as well. It was wrong to think this way, after all he had spent the last years of his life locked-up as well, but Bellatrix deserved to be held in exactly that place. Nobody should deserve Azkaban, but her evil soul seemed to be made for it.

Slightly out of breath, he decided to apparate to the top of the mountain in front of him to save himself further effort, because although he was in better shape now than immediately after his escape, he was still too thin, too weak for greater exertion. With wobbly legs and a spinning head, he landed on a rocky outcrop and crouched down immediately to avoid losing his balance. Apparating was still not easy for him. However, when his dizziness disappeared after a few minutes and Sirius was able to stand up, his breath faltered. In front of him, immersed in the yellow light of the sun, lay the fjord of Loch Shiel. The full view of the gigantic fjord was obscured by further mountainsides, but Sirius already saw everything he had wanted to see. Surrounded by the mountaintops glowing in the autumn foliage, in the middle of the watercourse at some distance, the object of his desire lay, and although the outlines of its towers were hardly visible to the naked eye, childlike joy rose within Sirius.

His eyes looked upon Hogwarts Castle, his home. He had returned.


	12. Unexpected Reunion

***

Remus magically folded the checkered umbrella and discharged his wet coat. What a weather! Despite the umbrella, his clothes had not remained dry and now the professor was standing in his office, which seemed oddly chilly because of his wet clothes, quivering like crazy. With a flick of his wand, he ignited the fire in the fireplace in an attempt to heat up the room. Since he had only taught lessons the morning and planned to check the essays of his sixth graders in the evening, the afternoon had appeared to be the perfect time to take a long walk in the fresh autumn air. Had it not suddenly started raining, Remus’ plan would have been neat, but, walking a little too far from the castle, he had to rush back through the rain for quite some time.

Still, he enjoyed the freedom of movement now that the full moon had waned, and he was back to full strength and a clear mind. Fortunately, the Wolfsbane potion worked well on him and he had no further damage except for the physical discomfort after a normal transformation. Only one day later he had even been able to teach again. Thanks to Merlin’s grace, he had not relapsed after taking the powdered nightshade roots together with Snape last week. Still, after said night he had felt more than guilty, had strongly questioned his position as a role model, especially since Snape seemed to ignore him completely from then on. Nevertheless, the evening had been a good experience. He had at least got the Marauder's Map back.

The lycanthrope would look for Snape, hopefully talk things through when it was time to take the potion again in the week before the next full moon. Despite the certainty that he would no longer have to turn into a senseless monster, a small spark of fear remained in the back of his head. Fear of the pain prior to the next transformation and how to handle it. Even though Snape's remedy was clean, and he had felt no immediate side-effects, he did not want to risk a renewed dependence. Neither from the powder nor from the provider himself.

Remus dried his sweater with a quick spell and rubbed his cool hands against each other in front of the fire. The week had been very sunny so far and he had actually expected to enjoy a warm autumn walk. But sometimes the fast-changing weather in the mountains did not play along and now the thick drops of rain shower rushed against his windows instead. When he had just prepared a pot of tea, there was a tentative knock on his office door. Remus looked up in surprise, he was not expecting anyone and normally would not have been in his office at all. Nevertheless, he was willing to invite his guest in and when the door opened, Remus was greeted by James' miniature figure. He would probably never get used to this first moment of shock at the sudden sight of the boy.

"Hello Professor Lupin," Harry Potter greeted him timidly, standing in the door frame, one hand in his pocket. "Do you have a moment for me?" He was wearing a dark blue hooded sweatshirt and normal jeans. Judging by his casual attire, he, too, was apparently already done with his school day. "Of course, Harry," Remus replied kindly and invited the boy in, "I've just put on some tea."

During his short time as a teacher, it had happened several times already that various students had wanted to talk to him in private, and Remus enjoyed it every time a student confided in him. From the very beginning, he had intended to be more to the children than a mere mediator of curricular information. The man enjoyed being trusted, being there for the teenagers. Harry wordlessly sat down in one of the chairs in front of the fireplace and waited until Remus joined him with the teapot in his hand, accompanied by two floating cups. "I hope it is not inconvenient," Harry said slowly as Remus handed him one of the filled teacups. The boy had truly inherited Lily's courtesy. "I had nothing special planned this afternoon. In fact, I just returned from a walk myself," Remus replied and smiled at the boy, "What's on your mind, Harry?"

The Gryffindor hesitated as if he was uncomfortable with the matter, as if he did not know where to start, and Remus began to wonder what he wanted to discuss with him. "A few days ago, I overheard a conversation between Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but they must have forgotten that I was still in the classroom," Harry scratched the back of his head, slightly embarrassed, "Anyway, they talked about Sirius Black, who apparently had been a student here at Hogwarts, and when Hermione and I went to the library to look for old newspaper articles, we found some yearbooks from the 1970s." Remus smiled on the outside, but his insides were filled with agitation. He knew which direction Harry's question was going and was mentally preparing for it. "In some of the photos, it looked like Mr. Black was a very good friend of my dad's and you appeared quite often as well. I guess I just wanted to ask if you knew them?"

Remus took a big sip from his still much too hot teacup to buy some time. How much could he entrust the boy with? "Don't be embarrassed by the question Harry, it's only natural that you are interested in the past," Remus began in a firm voice and he could see how a weight seemed to fall from the boy's shoulders. "It is true, your father, James, Sirius Black and I were very good friends during our school days at Hogwarts. Peter Pettigrew, whose tragic story you have probably heard, was also part of our group." Harry looked at him with a puzzled look and frowned, "But Sir, with all due respect, how could you and my father be friends with someone so evil?" He ran his index finger around the edge of his cup, "I mean, Hermione did research on the Blacks and this family has always been very strange. Kind of like the Malfoys."

Remus smiled slightly because the comparison was not so far-fetched. "It's true that the Black family has distinguished itself very much through its pureblood image, I agree with you. Nevertheless, their eldest son, Sirius, was not like them before Azkaban, for he had not only distanced himself from their ideals but had also strictly rejected them. Sirius was the first of his family to be sorted into Gryffindor house, not Slytherin. Your father and he were as close as brothers." Remus paused, not wanting to tell Harry so many details, unaware of how much the boy had heard about Sirius' betrayal. Harry ran his hand through his tousled hair, its structure just as wild as James' had once been, "I just wonder how my father could have been friends with someone who killed defenseless Muggles." The professor swallowed hard. That was the question he had asked himself for so many years of his life.

"Believe me, Harry, James would have never gotten involved with him had he known that Sirius would turn out to be that sort of person. During our school days, he was just completely different," Remus stopped before he could talk further about Sirius. He had already said more than enough. Harry nodded slowly and looked into the fire, "I feel sorry for you and my dad. It must be a strange feeling to know that a good friend suddenly turns evil. It's almost as if Ron was about to change out of nowhere and I had to see his wanted photos in the newspaper."

_I'm pretty sure Ron is just a good friend, maybe your best friend, but Sirius had been my life_.

Remus shook his head, "It's been a long time. You learn to live with it." Harry did not seem fully satisfied yet, but he had a more enlightened look on his face than before. There was still so much he did not know, puzzle pieces missing from the overall picture of a situation that involved the boy as well. But it was not up to Remus to tell Harry about this. The boy deserved to be happy, deserved to grow up protected.

"I hope I was able to help you achieve some clarity," Remus said lovingly as Harry finished his teacup after a few minutes and a quick talk about their next lesson, "James would be delighted to see your willingness to inform yourself through various sources before forming an opinion." Harry beamed at the compliment and Remus looked straight into Lily's eyes. How beautiful and disturbing at the same time. "Thanks Professor," Harry said happily, "I just hear so much about my parents, weird stories from my Aunt Petunia, that I just had to find out what kind of people they really were." Remus walked him to the door of his office, "I can tell you that your father was one of the most loving and loyal people I have ever known.

And your mother was the personification of help. Don't let anyone tell you anything shameful about him." When Harry had left his office and Remus was alone again, he sat down at his desk to start looking through the essays. But he was too unfocused to follow the sentences.

_I just wonder how my father could have been friends with someone who killed defenseless Muggles._

How indeed? Remus sighed. Lost in thought, he opened the Marauder's Map to watch Harry's steps on his way to the Great Hall. The boy deserved a better family. People who were truly concerned about his welfare. People who supported him. _I wonder what Dumbledore was thinking back then when he dropped baby Harry off at the Dursleys?_ Many of the students were still doing their homework in the Great Hall, and so Harry's name eventually disappeared in the hustle and bustle of little dots. Remus turned the map over and looked at Hagrid's hut, from which direction some students were passing. The gamekeeper had also been offered a teaching position for the first time this year and, like Remus, had been overjoyed to be accepted into the college. Remus was happy for the half-giant, whose life had not been easy either.

His gaze followed the small group of students on their way back to the castle and he remembered vividly how the Marauders had always sneaked out of the dormitory at night on exactly this route. Wrapped in James' invisibility cloak. Remus nostalgically took a piece of chocolate and was just about to enjoy the sweet aroma on his tongue when the candy got stuck in his throat. A name had detached itself from the group of students, who had now almost reached the castle, moving away from them. Only this name did not belong to any of the students.

Remus coughed when he choked on the cocoa flavor. Not far from the Whomping Willow, he read the name Sirius Black. Impossible. The professor rubbed his eyes and looked at the parchment again. Surely his eyes had to play a trick on him. But no, he could still see the name as clear as before. Was the map damaged? It was impossible for Sirius to walk across the Hogwarts campus in front of a group of students, they would surely recognize him. Unless- Remus' eyes widened as the thought flashed through his mind. _Oh my God_. Could it be that Sirius was disguised in his Animagus form? _That must have been how he escaped from Azkaban!_ His throat was suddenly dry, and he was shaking, but he could not take his eyes off the name on the map. When it suddenly disappeared, Remus had the shocking confirmation that it really had to be Sirius, for only he knew the access to the secret tunnel that led to the Shrieking Shack. What was he doing here at Hogwarts? Without thinking, Remus jumped up and put the map in the side pocket of his pants. He could not believe the strange circumstance until he had seen it with his own eyes. He just had to.

The lycanthrope attracted some puzzled glances from confused students as he hurried through the corridors and stormed down the stairs of the castle. Fortunately, he was not interrupted by any of his colleagues. Once in the courtyard, Remus began to run, still stunned by his discovery. The cold rain whipped in his face, but he took little notice of it, hardly even realizing that he had not put on a jacket. Totally out of breath, his sweater soaking wet and with his lower pants full of dirty spatters, he spoke a quiet _Immobilus_ to bring the branches of the Whomping Willow to a halt. Then he entered the dark passageway at the trunk of the tree. Already at the beginning of the stone passage, he could see signs of fresh dirt on the ground, a clear indication that someone must have been here just a few moments ago. Remus had his wand ready and made his way through the dark and yet familiar passage until he entered the hallway of an old house a few minutes later.

His heart seemed to race. He was now in the Shrieking Shack, his old hideout during the transformations of his school days. Almost silently, he climbed the crumbling stairs, right where the footprints of a dog became visible. Arriving on the second floor, he paused, suddenly panicky aware that he had left head over heels, without letting anyone know. Without informing Dumbledore. He was now completely on his own and would have to deal with Sirius’ whims. His stomach cramped up, not knowing what to expect. It had been years since he had last seen the man he once trusted the most. Remus could no longer foresee his actions. It was a dangerous endeavor.

A soft crackling of the wooden floorboards in the room opposite signaled him that he no longer had time to come up with an elaborate plan. He took one deep breath, in and out, and then slowly walked towards the room of the former estate. At first it seemed empty. The large bed, an open closet and various broken pieces of furniture blocked part of his view. But then he saw him. With his back facing the door, gaze directed at the yellowed window glass, Sirius appeared standing. An electric shock passed through Remus, from head to toe, and he stared, as if paralyzed, in the direction of the window.

_It can't be_. His rational streak told him that he could take advantage of the moment, that he should disarm Sirius before the prisoner could turn around, but his brain was completely empty. Not a single spell came to his mind. He stood, hypnotized by the back of his former lover's head. But when Sirius, who obviously had not noticed him, began to turn around, Remus' wand reacted as if by itself. "Expelliarmus!"

The wand of his counterpart flew in the air and landed a few meters away from him. Sirius whirled around, frightened and intimidated, and when he saw Remus, he remained frozen. The two men stared at each other, incredulous, stunned and with great shock on their faces. Sirius' eyes were just as they used to be, not a day older, although they lay much deeper than Remus remembered. The fugitive wore dark clothes that were much too big for him, hanging as if from an unfitting mannequin. Yet, he did not look as if he had come directly from Azkaban, was not even wearing a uniform, and Remus wondered where Sirius had hidden and equipped himself. The man’s chest was moving fast, much too fast, and he could clearly see from his emaciated wrists and thin legs how haggard Sirius was.

"R-Remus?" the Animagus asked quietly, in a shaky voice full of tension, and Remus swallowed the flood of emotions that threatened to overwhelm him. He had so often wished to see Sirius again in recent years, had pleaded so many times to be able to talk to him once more. Now, the moment had come faster than expected. He was unprepared, caught off guard. Sirius supported himself with one hand on the windowsill, obviously stirred by their unexpected reunion. "I can't believe it's you," he said breathlessly, his eyes flitting over Remus' figure. Sirius' voice sounded different, far from smug and soft as it once had. Yet, its sound caused goosebumps on Remus' arms, which he angrily tried to suppress.

"What are you doing here?" came out the wolf, a dark dangerous aftertaste in his voice. He held his drawn wand in Sirius' field of vision. "Easy," the Animagus said a bit more composed and showed Remus his empty palms, "please, let me explain everything." Remus was suddenly beside himself with rage. How could Sirius dare to just show up at Hogwarts? Dare to just walk back into his life? "I don't know what there is to explain," Remus replied, without averting his gaze, "Your actions have spoken more than a thousand words." Sirius shook his head slowly, as if he did not understand what Remus was telling him. "It is not as it seems, Remus, please, let me clarify."

A hot feeling flowed through Remus, as if he were about to undergo a transformation, and his otherwise calm and thoughtful words burst out of him loudly, "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO EXPLAIN? YOU CHOSE YOUR SIDE TWELVE YEARS AGO!" As his scream echoed in the room, he saw Sirius retreating. Apparently, the frail man was genuinely frightened by his words. Or his screams. Remus breathed out and in again, audibly, and had to restrain himself from immobilizing Sirius on the spot. The Animagus closed his eyes and swallowed, then he spoke again, "Please Remus, please. Listen to me. Just for a minute," his words were weak and breathless, as they had been in the past when he had held back his tears with all his effort. "If I ever meant anything to you, if you ever believed in us, please hear me out."

Remus was torn. On the one hand, he did not want to hear any excuses, just let Dumbledore come and take Sirius in, on the other hand, he was strangely interested in what his ex-lover had to tell him. When he did not answer, Sirius began to speak hastily, "I know I am the last person you want to see right now, maybe ever want to see again, but I have something I need to show you. It will change everything, I promise." Remus tucked his eyebrows together; it was all just too much. "Do you still have the Marauder's Map?" Sirius asked as if his life depended on it and Remus looked at him with heightened suspicion. The Animagus detected its outlines inside the wolf’s pocket. "Can you please take a look at the map and locate the youngest son of Molly and Arthur Weasley?" The professor almost laughed. Sirius must have really lost his mind. How could he think that looking at the map would change anything? "What's the point, what do you want with the boy?" Remus replied coldly, but opened the map nonetheless. Why he listened to Sirius at all was a mystery to him, but something inside him could not just leave now. "The boy is probably keeping his pet in his dormitory, please check there," Sirius begged him and came a little closer. Now at close range, Remus could see how red the prisoner’s eyes were. He looked incredibly tired.

After searching the map for the Gryffindors' dormitory, he quickly came across Harry's name, which seemed to be in the bathroom next to Neville Longbottom's. When Remus, after letting his gaze wander several times, finally located Ronald Weasley's bed and took a closer look at the map, he suddenly felt as if someone had stopped the molecules moving around him. A shiver made his blood run cold, not the first one today but strong enough to still make him gasp for air. Next to Ron, more precisely on the boy’s bed, hovered another name. Peter Pettigrew. Remus looked from the map to Sirius and back to the map. None of it made sense. "What are you doing?" he asked warningly, making sure Sirius still had no wand in his hand, "How are you doing that?”

Sirius took another step towards him, "I'm not doing anything, you see him, don't you?" Remus' eyes narrowed to small slits, it just had to be a trick. Peter could not be alive, and neither could Sirius know anything about Ronald's pet.

"I didn't believe it either at first, trust me, but it is him," Sirius continued to speak in a tense voice, but before he could finish his sentence, Remus jumped up, pushing the smaller man into the wall by his slender shoulders. "Do you think this is funny?" Remus rumbled, flushed with anger, and fixed Sirius' back to the chipped wallpaper, "What kind of fucking magic is that?" Sirius flinched, obviously in pain. He felt even more frail than Remus had thought he would. The werewolf reduced the pressure of his fingers on Sirius' shoulders, but they had probably already left bruises. Even now, under rage and indescribable wrath, he could not bring himself to truly hurt his old love. "I am not doing anything, Remus, I swear," Sirius begged, and his so laboriously built facade began to crumble. Remus also had difficulties, now that Sirius was closer to him than he had been in a long time, to focus on the essential. His inside felt indescribably empty. When the Animagus eventually could no longer hold back his tears, and they began to slide down his pale cheeks like cold, autumnal rainstorms, Remus too had to swallow his heavy emotions. "Peter is alive," Sirius sobbed softly, words Remus never thought he would hear in his whole life, "I was no longer their Secret Keeper, Remus, it was Peter.”

How was that possible? This had to be a nightmare; surely, he would wake up any second now.

"What?" was all Remus could articulate. "We swapped just before Halloween," Sirius stammered in tears, "I was the one who convinced James that Peter was the better choice, since no one would suspect him. Anyone would have thought that my friendship with James would make me their Secret Keeper and would have targeted me first. I thought it made sense." His voice broke and Remus swallowed, although his mouth was more than dry. "And believe me, Remus, I would never have betrayed the Potters." The lycanthrope had never felt so overwhelmed in his life, had rarely been this helpless. "But they found Peter, they had eyewitnesses," Remus whispered and blinked more often than necessary. Sirius dropped the back of his head against the wall, visibly exhausted, but then he reopened his eyes and spoke again, "They only found one of Peter's fingers, which he had cut off himself," he paused briefly but despite his fast breath then began again, as if he suspected his last chance in their conversation, "Peter was the spy. He made it look like I killed all these Muggles after I hunted him down. But he alone was fucking responsible for their deaths. Afterwards, the coward transformed, got away, and left the perfect scapegoat, a rebellious untrustworthy Black with a history of wrongdoings. Case closed!"

Moving dots appeared before Remus' widely opened eyes. He had expected an emotional turmoil coming here, but not that. The map, on which he glanced once more to reassure himself, confirmed Sirius' claims and yet, he could not believe what he had just been told. His hands trembled, and he let them slowly slide off Sirius' shoulders. "No way," Remus breathed in a shaky voice, his ashen face turned to the ground. His whole body felt numb.

"Did you never have any doubts about my guilt?" Sirius asked, his sobs growing stronger, "Did you really think, for all these years, that I was capable of such a thing?" Remus felt trapped, like paralyzed and choked at the same time. He closed his eyes as own hot tears rolled down his cheeks. He could not speak or breathe. _Oh my God!_

"James was like a brother to me, I would have never--" Sirius covered his mouth with one hand when violent shudders ran through him, making further words impossible. As if on their own, as if to escape his torment, Remus' legs stepped back a few steps until they hit the tattered bed and made him sit down on the dusty covers. The professor stared into his palms as he heard Sirius slide down the wall, curling up into a ball on the floor, his head buried in his arms. The crying of his counterpart was so bloodcurdling, so dreadful that Remus felt as if part of his heart was being torn out again and again. A sharp pain in his chest made his already faltering breathing all the more difficult.

So, it was Peter, not Sirius, who had betrayed the Potters back then on that fateful Halloween night. It was Peter who had destroyed all their lives forever, making sure that Harry had to grow up an orphan. Sirius had not murdered him. _Sirius was innocent_. For twelve long years, he had been in Azkaban for a crime he did not commit. Remus' glassy eyes looked at the small moving dot with Peter's name. The fearful wizard had spent all these years trying to frame an innocent man just so he could live a happy and protected life hidden at the Weasley's. What a cruel joke. He had fallen into once of his nightmares, the one that left him, his heart really, with invisible scars. The worst kind of scars.

The rain-soaked clothes on Remus’ skin had turned into an icy cage by the cold wind whistling through the Shack, but no uncomfortable sensation could stop the pain in his heart for even a moment. _Sirius was innocent. He had always been innocent._ The realization was accompanied by a wave of shame that seemed to sweep over Remus. During the first months after Sirius' imprisonment, he had still firmly believed in the innocence of his love, had desperately searched for another explanation for what had happened, but eventually, he had realized that he must have been deceived by Sirius. By the end of first year apart, it had been easier to see Sirius as a murderer, since all the people in his life, people like Dumbledore, whom he had always looked up to, had assured him that the monster within Sirius had only remained hidden during their time together. The Animagus was right, it was surprisingly easy to blame a Black. Unfortunately, it had been easier to believe the words of others rather than hold on to Sirius. Now he felt disgusted with himself and everyone else. As a werewolf, as an outcast of society, he should have known better. Pathetic.

Sirius seemed to have calmed down a bit, but Remus suspected that he was probably just too weak to continuously let his emotions run free. The sudden silence in the room, interrupted only by the rough whistling of the wind, felt unbearable. Seemed to overwhelm him with his guilt. Remus wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his patched sweater and mentally prepared himself to get up. But what could he do then? What would he say? How could he carry on, knowing that Peter was indeed alive? One thing was clear to him at least - he could not leave Sirius alone. With shaky legs, he pushed himself up from the hard mattress of the bed and staggered across the room towards Sirius.

The latter slowly lifted his head at the sound of creaking floorboards, his face so bloodless that Remus recoiled inwardly. Looking at the huddled figure of the once so energetic man, the lycanthrope paused, contemplating him in a sad manner. How could they end up like this? "Sirius, I-" Remus began in a timid voice, but he did not know what to say, so he simply reached out his hand. To his surprise, Sirius took hold of it immediately and allowed Remus to pull him to his feet. His fingers were as cold as ice, as if from a dead man, and the professor wanted nothing more than to wrap his own hands around Sirius'. Like he used to. Instead, he bent down and picked up the wand he had knocked out of the Animagus' hand. The story of where Sirius got the new wand, which was very similar to his old one, interested him, but for now, other things were more important. When Remus noticed that he was still holding Sirius' hand, he cleared his throat, "Let's go to the castle, shall we?" The raven-haired man just nodded, seemingly strained not to appear too apathetic. His eyes were swollen, and Remus did not even want to think about what kind of trauma those grey orbs must have gone through. Sirius’ eyes shifted to the side again, glazed with a glassy layer of tears. As he blinked, they dripped from his lashes and slid down his cheeks. He bit his lip tightly, surely in attempt to hide any sound that wanted to escape from his mouth; Remus' heart sank.

When the men reached the exit of the secret tunnel, both had not spoken another word, Remus stunned the Whomping Willow while Sirius turned into the black dog. Padfoot also looked battered, emaciated, with his tail hanging down.

The dog limped slightly with both front legs and Remus prayed that he did not do so because of his rough handling earlier. Outside it was dark, cold, and the mood matched the feelings in Remus' heart. He felt more than guilty.


	13. The Past That Cannot Be Undone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year, lovelies! May 2021 be better than the year-that-must-not-be-named.

***

The way leading to the brightly lit castle seemed not only unreal, but downright dreamlike. Without the pain in his tired paws, a sensation that reminded him that he was indeed moving steadily, he would have believed to be dreaming. Far more unreal, however, was the form of Remus Lupin walking beside him. How unspeakably strange that the man was at his side again. Sirius knew that his fellow Marauder was risking everything just to give him a quiet night. Worse still, he was probably not even aware of it, had not thought about eventual consequences should he be seen with the most wanted man in England. Remus had always saved him unconditionally, no matter what the cost. When his paws suddenly felt no rough soil but the cold stone floor of the castle’s courtyard beneath them, Sirius' whimpered unintentionally and Remus looked down at him. His worried eyes told Sirius that the man’s thoughts were racing, because he would have to explain the dog's sudden presence to potential colleagues and students as soon as they crossed their path. Being a teacher was much less anonymous than being a student.

Sirius was glad that Remus was not walking as fast as he had always done during their youth, because in addition to his exhaustion, he was simply overwhelmed, even thwarted, by the feeling of being back at Hogwarts. The yard looked exactly the same as it did before and Sirius remembered nightly pranks with James when the two of them ran across the gras, hidden under his invisibility cloak, and his snowball fight with Remus in their seventh year just before they got together.

_A part of me feels like I never left._

Arriving in the entrance hall, Sirius moved close to Remus' legs on their way towards the stairs, looking down, like a well-trained and obedient dog. Animals were not exactly a rarity at Hogwarts, but dogs still stood out.

When a short teenager with disheveled light brown hair and an Irish dialect came towards them and stopped in front of Remus, Sirius sat down next to the professor's feet as if on command. The boy whistled appreciatively, "Wow, Professor Lupin, I'm totally excited about our next class, or is the dog yours?" Remus put on a smile, deceptively real, but Sirius recognized immediately that his eyes did not laugh, "Sorry to disappoint you, Mr. Finnigan. My dog will not be part of our next lesson." The boy walked past them, obviously on his way to the Great Hall, "Too bad, he looks more than cool, but it's nice that teachers are allowed to keep pets here too. Good evening Professor, see you on Thursday." Remus nodded friendly, but as soon as he had turned his back on the boy, all joy disappeared from his face. Sirius shivered as he realized that Remus must have had a lot of practice in hiding and covering up his true feelings during the last decade.

When the two of them arrived without further interruption in front of the old D.A.D.A. classroom, through which they had to walk to get to Remus' office and private quarters, Sirius felt like he was running a marathon through their past. Every corner of the castle, every staircase, even the uniforms of the students passing by reminded him of their time together. And it hurt to be remembered. Remus, lost in thought, closed the door of his office after Sirius had entered, and immediately magically lit a fire in the fireplace.

Sirius transformed back and now stood peculiarly by the door, while Remus prepared a pot of tea. "I assume tea is all right?" Remus asked quietly without smiling and Sirius nodded, unsure what the lycanthrope was thinking. He was suddenly much colder now and wrapped his arms around his torso. Remus seemed not to miss the gesture. "Why don't you sit down," he suggested, gesturing to the sofa in front of the fireplace with his hand. Sirius felt as if he was taking up too much space in the room and, with timid steps, walked over, his gaze turned away from Remus. There was an emotional layer of ice between the two men, which Sirius did not like at all, and he doubted that the fire was able to break through it. When Remus wordlessly disappeared into a back room, the Animagus sat down on the brown textile couch. The whole room smelled of Remus. The parchment of his books, the aroma of his various teas and the distant note of sweet chocolate. How nice that some things never changed. Sirius rubbed one hand over his aching shoulder, over the spot where Remus' strong hands had pressed him roughly against the wall earlier. Despite the pain, he could not blame the lycanthrope because if he had been in his place, he would probably have punched himself in the face without a second thought.

Moreover, the pain showed him that he had finally come back into Remus' life, would remind him for a while that the lycanthrope had touched him, though differently than in the past. It was more than Sirius could ever hope for. Even the hand that Remus had reached for to pull him from the floor of the Shrieking Shack, back onto his legs, seemed to burn, thawed by the warm life energy that Remus' skin had radiated. Like a sad definition of touch starved.

Sirius wanted to pull his knees to his chest, somehow he had gotten used to the pose during particularly cold nights in Azkaban, but his shoes were dirty, stained from his long journey, and he did not want to soil Remus' couch. He already felt like an intruder as it was.

When Remus had not returned after a few minutes, Sirius wondered whether he should leave again, swiftly and silently. Back to the Shrieking Shack or the Forbidden Forest. He was used to sleeping in cold dark places by now and would never complain anymore as long as he could sleep at all. The sudden whistling of the boiling teapot tore him out of reality, brought him back to the moment when he ran past the small train station of Godric's Hollow, a train whistle just announcing the departure of the last evening train. Due to the numerous enchantments, it was not possible to apparate directly to the Potters' house. James had not responded to his warning, had not called Sirius back, laughing away his best friend’s worries as usual. Something was wrong. Totally out of breath, Sirius turned into the street leading to the Potters' house and ran faster when he saw that there were some neighbors standing in front of the house.

It was already late at night, freezing cold, far too late to be still out for Halloween, so what were the two Muggles doing outside? Arriving at the garden fence, he was stopped by two elderly ladies, the direct neighbors of Lily and James. He knew both of them briefly. "My dear, do you know what the Potters are doing today?" asked one of the women, who was already in her dressing gown, "It's Halloween, but there's no need to be this noisy. After all, they have a toddler." The other woman shook her head, "I've already rang the doorbell, but no one answered. It's not like them to make such a racket. I hope nothing has happened."

Sirius' eyes widened and he rushed past the women, mouthed a wordless _Alohomora_ , and ran up the stairs to their apartment. When he saw that the lock of the front door was demolished, he kicked down the door with his heavy combat boots. _No, no, no, no_. "James!" he shouted desperately at full volume, but when no one answered, crushing panic rose in him. The Potters' house was dark and far too quiet. The only light came from the small carved pumpkins that Lily had put in the window for the Muggle children. Sirius spoke a _Lumos Maxima_ spell with trembling lips and looked around the room in despair, but before he could call out his best friend's name again, the air got stuck in his throat. In the living room, on the way to the upper floor, lay James Potter. Motionless, his eyes open. Sirius stared at the ground for a few seconds at first, then rushed to his side. "James?" he whispered, incredulous and suffocated, but when he checked his best friend's pulse, he realized that he was gone. "No," Sirius choked and shook the man by his shoulders, "No James, get up, no." But it was in vain.

The Animagus uttered a gut-wrenching scream, whereupon the two older ladies came into the apartment. "Jesus Christ, Conny, call the police and an ambulance," cried one of them when she saw James and Sirius on the floor. Sirius perceived her voice only muffled, heard everything as if after a concert with loud music. His hand had cramped into his best friend's robe and hot tears were running down his cheeks. _I am too late. It’s too late._

Then he heard it, the soft cry of a baby from a distance. Harry. Quickly, he jumped up, his legs wobbly and yielding, but nevertheless making it up the first flight of stairs with difficulty. He took the last steps on all fours because his vision went black. The remains of a flower vase lay on the carpet-covered steps and he cut himself on one of the shards but did not even notice the stinging sensation. Being upstairs, the desperate crying of the infant was now louder, much more evident, and Sirius held his breath. He prayed that Lily and the little one were unharmed. But when he entered the small children's room, whose door already showed signs of forced entrance, he knew that all wishful thinking was useless. Sirius sobbed loudly, leaning against the doorframe as he saw Lily lying face down in front of Harry's crib, the strains of her long red hair covering the ground like trickles of blood on the floor. Her eyes, unlike James', were closed, as if she was just asleep. Sirius could not breathe.

_Please don't_.

Behind her, Harry was sitting in his crib, now screaming at the top of his lungs. How the boy had managed to survive Sirius did not dare to ask. It was like a miracle. Shivering all over his body, sobbing bitterly, Sirius walked towards the bed, taking the distraught Harry in his arms.

The little boy's heart was beating furiously, as fast as if it wanted to jump out of the infant's chest, and the Animagus pressed Harry firmly into the comfort of his jacket. With a shattered heart, Sirius broke down, apathetically staring at Lily's body as he slowly teetered back and forth, more for himself than for the sake of calming down Harry.

"Are you okay?" Remus' voice sounded like underwater at first, but then became louder and louder until it finally managed to pull him out of his misery. In the eyes of the werewolf, who had kneeled down on the couch next to him, Sirius could see sparks of concern. It must have been disturbing to watch him during his flashback. His fingertips felt numb and he was so dizzy that he had to squeeze his eyebrows with both thumbs. Although he had relived this very memory so many times in Azkaban, it was no less traumatic each time. In fact, it was one of his most terrifying memories, and it always came back when he was already emotionally upset. "Yes, I- I was just struck by a memory," Sirius stammered softly and looked into Remus' comforting eyes. His eyes were the softest brown infused with green, as if he held the new spring growth inside. Amber and hazel at the same time. They were the forest floor and the gentle flowers, somewhere to rest and breathe, and Sirius felt some tension ease away from him instantly.

Remus handed him a handkerchief and only now Sirius realized that he must have been crying. He accepted it with shaking fingers. "I can imagine that you would like to take a shower," said Remus and rose from the sofa, "I have prepared everything for you, the bathroom is up the stairs to the left. Afterwards, we can talk in peace, if you like."

The lycanthrope began to pour the boiling tea water over the teapot filled with fragrant herbal leaves, then he paused, his face turned away from the Animagus. "To be honest, I would appreciate it if we talked. I have so many questions." Sirius nodded, glad that Remus did not give him the silent treatment, and wiped his cheeks with the handkerchief.

Once in the bathroom, Sirius saw that Remus had put out some fresh towels and spare clothes, long pajama bottoms and a T-shirt. The thought of wearing Remus' clothes gave Sirius a warm and relaxing feeling. Similar to his school days, when he had always used his boyfriend's oversize jumpers on various occasions. Slowly, he pulled Albert's sweater over his head and folded it neatly. One day he would give her husband's belongings back to Martha; they were certainly full of memories. The dim lighting in the bathroom was compensated by floating candles that Remus had lit all over the room. Sirius sighed, apparently, the werewolf still had a distinctly good sense of homeliness and cozy aesthetics. To avoid using up Remus' bath products, which he was not entitled to do, and which felt strangely intimate, Sirius used what was left of Martha's toiletries. When the hot water ran over his hair, he felt part of the terror that the traumatic memory had left in him being washed down the drain. But only a part of it since it would never go away completely. Sirius knew that it would come back. It was his destiny; forever being tormented by a past that could not be undone.


	14. Still Into You

***

When Remus came back to his office after taking a quick shower himself, which he urgently needed after all the rain on his skin today, Sirius was sitting on the sofa in his previous spot. At the sight of the familiar black hair, Remus felt a tingling sensation in his abdomen. Never had he expected to have Sirius in his office today. Never even thought about seeing him again at all.

The frail man stared into the fire, his knees drawn to his chest, and had not yet touched the steaming mug in front of him. Remus' own teacup stood on his desk and when he went to get it, his eyes fell on the blank essays he had wanted to grade tonight. But there were more important things than the over-timely return of his fifth-graders’ essays.

"Are you hungry?" Remus asked and walked towards the couch with his cup in one hand, "I could ask if I can still get something from the kitchen." Sirius' eyes did not look up from the fire, but he shook his head slowly, "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry." Remus sat down on the other end of the sofa, silently leaning back into the cushions that were lying there. Now that they had enough time to talk freely, he did not know where to start. Without the extra layers provided by the much too wide sweater, the Animagus next to him looked even slimmer, his thin arms resting on his knees. Of course, he had always been slim, but more athletic and not as sickly. Remus' clothes were clearly a few sizes too big for him, too, but still fitted better than the previous ones.

When a drop of water left Sirius' still wet hair and made its way down his tattooed skin, causing him to get goosebumps, Remus sat close enough to him to see the change, the werewolf realized that Sirius was probably very cold due to so little body fat. He swung his wand, and a soft blanket came floating from the bedroom to rest on the shoulders of his friend. The Animagus glanced around in astonishment at first, but when he looked into Remus' reassuring face, he quickly took the blanket and wrapped it tighter around himself. Had Sirius now lain his head in Remus' lap in addition, the mood would have been the same as it had been during the old days. And yet, nothing was like before.

Remus cleared his throat, nervously biting his cheek, because slowly, the silence became uncomfortable for him, "If you don't mind I'd like to talk about the past, more precisely about Peter," he paused, wanted to assess how Sirius reacted, but the man's expression did not change, "What happened back then?" Remus looked down, suddenly feeling useless, "I wasn't even around that night." It was true, Dumbledore had sent Remus on a mission one week prior to Halloween 1981. He was supposed to look around the ranks of the other werewolves, forced to look through _his_ ranks, and as so often he had not been allowed to tell his friends about it. When he saw Greyback again after years, the man who had scarred his life and body forever, he had been close to forget the peaceful intention of his mission. Greyback was a monster, a murderer, and Remus had often been tempted to wring the neck of his old adversary, who still passionately loved to infect small children with their terrible fate. Sirius' fingers reached for his teacup and he stared into the golden yellow liquid, his delicate facial features surrounded by the steam of the hot water.

"The week you were gone, James and I had decided to ask Peter to take over the post of Secret Keeper," Sirius started quietly and Remus hung on his lips, spellbound. "Of course, he agreed and two days before Halloween, we officially made him the secret keeper via the Fidelius charm. Afterwards, I had to stop visiting James and Lily, we thought it would be better to keep the contact in the house as low as possible. However, the order already knew, as you probably remember, that we had a spy in our ranks," Sirius paused as if the vivid old memories were dancing before his eyes. "Anyway, in the meantime, I stayed in contact with James every day and informed him of the current situation. There wasn't much I could do, but at least I managed to distract him from the feeling of being trapped. He hated not being able to help." Remus rubbed his forearm underneath the sweater and slightly picked on one of his scars. "When James didn't get back to me on the evening of October 31st, I immediately knew that something was wrong. You know how he was, he would have never missed the chance to be informed about the situation from the outside." Sirius' voice had become colder, much quieter, and Remus felt the tension growing in his own chest. "I immediately tried to reach Peter, but he did not answer either. In my worry, I informed Dumbledore and Hagrid, both of whom were the first to answer, and headed to Godric's Hollow personally."

Sirius buried his body more tightly in the depths of his blanket, exhaling deeply, and Remus could already guess what part of the story was coming now. "When I arrived there, I.... found them. Surely you have already been told the details about it." He had his eyes closed, visibly struck by the words. "At their house, I took Harry with me, the poor little boy was incredibly disturbed and restless." Remus' eyebrows frowned in pity as he saw how Sirius must have suffered from the trauma and was still haunted by its effects. It was unimaginable for him to even picture finding his best friends massacred and he was glad that he had been spared this torture. Sirius' hands clenched in the blanket, "And I should have left it at that. I should have taken Harry to Dumbledore and waited for you, should have been a good godfather to him." His voice broke, but after he swallowed, he went on. "But no, instead I was so full of anger, so full of grief and burning hatred, that I left Harry in Hagrid's care to go and look for Peter. At that point, I knew that it could only have been Peter who had betrayed the Potters."

Remus nervously tapped his fingers to the side of one of the pillows, restless and churning by Sirius' words. "First, I apparated to Peter's apartment, but he hadn't been there for a longer time. The condition of his home, without even the slightest trace of a break-in or scrimmage, confirmed to me that he must have really given away the Potters' location voluntarily," Sirius' tone was now hateful, without the last remaining nuance of warmth Remus had heard in it before. "I then apparated to all the noteworthy hiding sports across town and tracked down the coward outside a London pub. I suppose he had intended to mingle with the celebrating Muggles there." Sirius' eyes now seemed to gleam, and Remus shuddered; he had never seen his friend so beast-like before. "I attacked him without thinking, dueled him in in the open street, which naturally attracted many Muggles who watched the whole thing in a state of panic. Peter had never been able to defend himself, he honestly wasn’t even a challenge, and I quickly brought him down. I was so beside myself, so manic, James and Lily's faces burned into my retina, that I probably would have killed him, Remus."

The werewolf held his breath, he could not imagine how his counterpart must have felt. Sirius now stared at the ground with wide eyes, "However, the bastard got ahead of me, screamed that I had planned to kill him and then released a blasting curse on the street. I was thrown backwards by the blast wave, hit my head on the cobblestone, but when I regained consciousness, many of the Muggles were injured and more than a few were dead. Peter was nowhere to be seen and I first assumed that he had been hit by his own curse." His voice became shaky, his breath faster, "I tried to help, I really did, but people were so frightened, so disturbed that several men grabbed me and held me down. Everything was too much, too fast, and I did not understand what was happening. I had seen so many dead people that night, so many empty faces, that I just laughed in terror. I laughed over their screams. Like a madman, loud and long. As if nothing else worked in my body except that."

Remus suddenly felt a strong urge to take Sirius in his arms and just hold him. His words made him shudder and at the same time strangely contemplative. With a pale face, he looked over to the huddled figure of his friend, quietly expecting Sirius to look even more bloodthirsty. But instead, a single tear ran down the black-haired wizard's pale cheek. It seemed small in comparison to his breakdown in the Shrieking Shack, yet Remus recognized all the suffering and grief of the past decade in this single pearl-shaped tear. In the past, whenever Sirius had cried, there was a rawness to it, like the pain was still an open wound. He would clasp onto something for support, anything, a table or the back of a chair, and then his whole body would shake.

The sobs would be stifled at first whenever he attempted to hide his grief, then, overcome by the wave of his emotions, he would break down entirely, all his defenses washed away in those salty tears. Remus had observed it more often than he would have liked; after Sirius' escape from Grimmauld place, after the news that Fleamont and Euphemia Potter had contracted dragon pox, at the funeral of Marlene McKinnon. Then, after his raw breakdowns, Sirius’ emotion walled off behind a mask of coping. He would just wear it until everything was right again, he did not know another way. But now, so many years later, another layer had been added to Sirius' tears. Something that made Remus gasp for air in an instant. The mask had finally fallen and the Animagus could no longer hide his innermost emotions - was too broken to shield himself.

Sirius pulled his legs even tighter to his chest, his voice shaky, "You certainly know the rest better than I do. More than fifty Muggles were eyewitnesses to the scene, were able to testify how I first attacked and overpowered Peter and then the others." He whimpered softly, looking up at the ceiling with quick eye movements, "Before the Muggle Police could arrive, the Ministry Police had already caught me. Two women held me back by my head and poured a light liquid into my mouth. After that, all I remember was being examined, undressed, and then put in chains, like some kind of animal. His jaw trembled so much that Remus could see it from his short distance. "There was no trial, nothing, I-I couldn't explain what happened-" Now Sirius started to sob quietly, putting the teacup from his hand on the table, some of the tea already spilled over his hand, "Two of the cell guards, while I was still in the Ministry, even joked about how proud my mother must be of me now that I killed all those Muggles. The otherwise so rebellious son turned out to be the cruel enforcer of his family's values after all." Sirius spoke the last words with desperate contempt, like poison in his mouth, and Remus could not just watch any longer, felt the need to do at least something. Slowly and carefully, he reduced the distance between the two of them on the sofa and slid towards Sirius. His heart began to beat faster with every inch, but he ignored the flaring desire in his bones. However, he decided not to thoughtlessly touch Sirius, was afraid to cross a line. Fortunately, this insecurity was taken away from him immediately, because only seconds after Remus had moved closer to him, Sirius freed himself from the cover of the blanket and laid his head on Remus' shoulder.

The werewolf pulled the broken man closer and wrapped him in the blanket again, "I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Sirius, I am so very sorry that you had to go through such a terrible ordeal." Although he pulled himself together to articulate the words, his own voice was full of noticeable emotion. Sirius buried his head in Remus' comforting shoulder, his hair spread across the lycanthrope’s chest. Remus timidly began to stroke the black strands, the feeling of brutal nostalgia rising in him. Sirius seemed to be eagerly longing for his warm hand and he was glad that this had not changed even after so many years, so many emotions, unspoken words and shocks between them. Unexpectedly, Sirius then began to speak, his soft voice so close that Remus could feel its vibration in his own body, "On the third of November, right on time for my birthday, I finally arrived in Azkaban. Even if you often hear stories about this place, no words of this world, no horror story, no matter how dark, can depict what it really feels like to be there".

Remus stared into the fire. After Halloween, he had often thought about how Sirius must have felt facing Azkaban. "You are all alone, in the darkness, and hear only pure despair. Every day just screams, shattering mental breakdowns of the other prisoners. It is cold, much too cold, and nothing and no one can give you warmth. You have visions, tormenting flashbacks of your own failures, the worst moments of your life, until you see the images of these memories without even closing your eyes. And then there are the Dementors, I-" His voice broke off and Remus embraced him with both arms, "Shh, it's okay, we don't have to talk about this now. Don't force yourself to relive it all."

Sirius nodded and closed his eyes, "During my first days in prison, I had assumed that Peter must have died in the explosion, but it didn't make sense, otherwise they would have found his remains. When I relived the memory one night, as I so often did, I realized that Peter had more likely transformed. That he had escaped, disguised as a rat, making everyone believe that it must have been me who had dismantled him." Sirius sighed, "Peter was the perfect victim, no one would suspect that the shy stout man with little talent could have accomplished something so huge. A month ago, during a visit from the Minister of Magic himself, Fudge or whatever, I learned that Peter was still in hiding. I recognized the coward on the front page of the Daily Prophet, with the Weasley family, disguised as a rat." Remus looked down upon Sirius, impressed. So that was how his friend had learned that Peter was still alive, still in England, and most likely in the company of Ronald. And this only meant that the former Marauder was still waiting for something, someone that prevented him from starting a new life elsewhere. That something being his old master. Brilliant!

"From that moment on, my survival instinct kicked in. I knew I would have to do something, I couldn't let Peter get too close to Harry, so close to...you. Fudge was very helpful indeed, even shared with me that you had been offered a professorship at Hogwarts. A typical ministry official, too confident, too trusting in the system and its infallibility. As a dog, it was then almost easy to escape from Azkaban." Sirius turned a little and pressed his forehead into Remus' sweater, "Although I would probably not be alive today without the help of a widowed witch who lived alone in the forest. Martha found and nursed me after I had passed out at the coast, after the strains of the ocean. I owe this woman everything."

Remus let himself sink deeper into the soft material of the sofa, pulling Sirius with him, _then so do I_. For quite a while, none of them said anything, only the warm crackle of the fire could be heard. Remus stroked over Sirius' shoulder, just holding him tight. But after Sirius had opened himself so deeply and shared his painful memories with him, he too wanted to say a few words. He wanted to say so much but did not know how.

"Your arrest had been so sudden and shocking to me then that I fell into a sort of limbo. I simply could not believe that you should have done all this, was unable to continue, but Dumbledore and the order were dealing with Voldemort's aftermath. The Potters' funeral was small and private, one rainy afternoon in Godric's Hollow, and it was as if the ground had been torn from under my feet. Both have a beautiful tombstone you know, white, with a very meaningful epitaph: 'The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death'. There is a cruel irony surrounding their gravestone. It stood there with its youthful glow, strong, ready to last a hundred years or more. Yet, Lily and James had already perished." He swallowed, "The graveyard is quiet, without many visitors, almost intimate. After their death, it was my favorite place to calm down. I would wonder amongst the other tombstones reading the inscriptions. I could map out generations of families, giving my mind something to do, wonder what their lives had been like and contemplate both the meaning of life and the permanence of death. It helped me to cope with the loss of everything, the loss of you all."

Remus paused when he saw that Sirius' cheeks were glistening wet again. He had gone too far with his words; they had simply burst out of his innermost soul. "I promise you, we will find a way to expose Peter," Remus said instead, unsure how much damage his description had caused, "He has done more than enough harm and he still thinks himself safe." Sirius just nodded absently, apparently unable to think about Peter right now. "It's fucking sad. You and the boy are the only people who make me feel anything anymore, who show me that I still exist, still live. And Harry can't even remember me," Sirius' head sank deeper until he put it in Remus' lap, pale eyes staring up, "God, I just wish everything was back to normal. That I was normal again." Remus wrapped a dark strand of hair around his index finger, moved by Sirius' words. "If there is one thing I have learned in my life, it is that there is no such thing as normal," he said with a loving look, "Really, it is a bad word. Does a lot of damage." Sirius had always been much more than normal for him. He was extraordinary, something special, incomparable to all other people who had ever crossed the path of Remus' cursed life. The man in his lap smiled slightly, his eyes exhausted and unspeakably sad, "I’ve missed you, Remus. So much."

His name sounded like music on the lips of the Animagus, soft and smooth, and very different from the intonation of his other words. Without intending it, Remus shifted his gaze to Sirius' lips, the spots of pale red that reminded him of a rose bud. The top lip was thinner, but not too thin, and it had a natural cupid's bow; the bottom one was larger and more plush. Simply perfect. Under Sirius' left lower lip, Remus could still see the small scar where he had worn his piercing during their youth. There was little else left of the self-confident, constantly flirtatious punk rock Sirius, who always had a mischievous smile on his lips when they were not occupied by a cigarette. But his grace, a natural elegance that had always surrounded him, had still remained. Remus contemplated, struggled whether it was too early to reunite these lips with his own. It definitely was too early but also too late. Much too late.

Before he could make a decision, he was startled by a knock at his office door. Remus froze. What did everyone want from him today? He was not expecting anyone, it was way too late for a potential student wanting to talk with him anyway, and from the perspective of the door one had a good view of the sofa and thus of Sirius.

_Why did I not lock the door?_

Just when he was about to approach the sleepy man in his lap, the uninvited guest simply entered the room without being called inside. In his desperation, Remus covered Sirius' face and upper body with the blanket, as it was definitely too late for him to turn into the black dog now. He grabbed Sirius' arm under the blanket, signaled him to stay down, and the initially perplexed man, who probably did not even hear the knocking, fortunately followed his directive wordlessly. Severus Snape was now standing in Remus' office, his otherwise so emotionless face slightly irritated by the unusual sight on the sofa.

The werewolf felt caught, because even though Snape would not be able to see Sirius' face, their position was more than strangely intimate. It also did not help that he was unable to get up from the sofa without revealing his friend. "Hello Severus," Remus said, in order not to make the situation any weirder, "As you can clearly see, it's a little inconvenient right now. What's so important?" Snape seemed to be caught off-guard at first, his cheeks blushed in shame, but then he began to speak in the familiar reserved tone, "I've just talked to the headmaster, he wanted me to let you know that we have an urgent teachers' conference tomorrow before breakfast." His eyes were averted from the sofa, but kept flickering back over to Remus, "It seems that a student was injured in Rubeus Hagrid's class this afternoon and his parents are demanding a full school board meeting."

As Snape spoke, Sirius' body tensed under the blanket, apparently recognizing the voice of the Potions Master. "Very well, thank you for informing me," Remus replied, eager to end the dialogue quickly. Snape raised his eyebrows and nodded, "One more thing, Lupin. It's none of my business but I would advise you to either lock the door or postpone seeing prostitutes until the weekend in the future." Remus almost laughed out loud, and Sirius apparently held his hand in front of his mouth under the blanket as well. "You're right," Remus replied and looked Snape straight in the eye, "but it's also true that it's none of your business. See you tomorrow, Severus!" Snape snorted and stepped out of Remus' office, his cloak waving after him. The lock clicked behind him as the lycanthrope immediately followed his advice and magically shut the door.

Alone again, Sirius freed his face from the blanket, his cheeks reddened by the accumulated heat underneath. "I have no idea what I should be more shocked about. The fact that fucking Snivellus, who apparently happens to be a teacher here, was in your office moments ago or the part about calling me a prostitute. What is his little virgin brain thinking? In your clothes, I look more like a loveable bookworm than a sex worker. Honestly, how dare he?" Remus chuckled, some of the tension from before forgotten. Apparently, not even Azkaban had been able to push the drama queen out of Sirius Black. It felt so good to see his friend smile, to see him smile sincerely, albeit faint. Although Remus wished that Snape had not been the reason for it. "Believe me, I reacted the same way when McGonagall told me that Severus was teaching here," said Remus, amusedly scratching the back of his head, "I never thought he would consider working with adolescents."

"So Minnie still works here?" Sirius asked, tired eyes looking dreamily up at the ceiling, "How wonderful." Remus had almost forgotten what James and Sirius used to call McGonagall and smirked, "I think she'll never be allowed to stop. Without her, Hogwarts is finished." Sirius nodded in agreement and covered his mouth, yawning. "Shall we go to bed?" Remus asked without thinking about it any longer. He had not really thought about where Sirius could sleep yet. His bed was certainly big enough, much bigger than the one at his parents' house, but he could not assume that they would share a bed again after only one day. "Do you have a mattress, or should I sleep here on the sofa?" Sirius asked sheepishly and Remus blinked.

 _So you do not even consider sleeping together then_.

Luckily, he had not suggested it himself.

"Since the door is locked now, you're welcome to sleep here," Remus offered, disappointed inside but trying not to let it show. He had no right to claim Sirius in any way, because no matter how many moments reminded Remus of the past, they were no longer a couple. "Unless you want me to unlock it again so you can greet Snape yourself tomorrow morning," Remus quickly added to lift the spirits. Sirius wrinkled his nose, humored, "Please stop, I already have enough nightmares of my own." The man rose, allowing Remus to stand up himself. Without the body heat of the Animagus, the room was abruptly cold, even for the werewolf. He went through the room and extinguished the candles he had lit after their arrival earlier, then turned to Sirius. "If you need anything else, my bedroom is up the stairs to the right and you already know where the bathroom is. Please, don't be bothered by my early leave tomorrow. I'll lock up after me again." Sirius had already laid down on the couch, cuddling himself up to his chin in the blanket. The sight triggered a tingling in the pit of Remus' stomach. "Thank you, Remus," the black-haired man replied in a soft voice, "thank you for everything today. I can't tell you how happy I am to be at your side again." It was strange for Remus not to take the smaller man in his arms when he spoke, strange just to go to bed without hugging again. "Likewise, I’m glad we talked," Remus said, leaning against the wall. He had to hold on to something, even if it was not Sirius.

Once in bed, Remus first noticed how tired he actually was. The thick eiderdown heated up after a few minutes due to his body heat and now felt almost as comfortably warm as the feeling of Sirius' head in his lap.

Today had been an emotional rollercoaster ride, the likes of which Remus had not experienced in a long time. In fact, he had not seen as many tears as today during the course of the entire year. Still, he was simply grateful to have his friend, his companion, back. Everything else, especially how they would bring Peter to justice, would come to pass in the days ahead. After today, Snape certainly did not only consider him a liar, but also a manipulative arse without morals. If only he knew that the other person in the room had been Sirius. Remus turned on his back, running one hand through his hair. Now that Sirius was back there was a chance that everything would change, that his life would make sense again. But he did not want to rush into anything. First, he would be there for his friend, no matter how he needed him, and later he would find out if Sirius was still interested in the possibility of a relationship. Remus truly hoped that they could make it work again but even if Sirius never wanted anything more than his friendship any longer, he would stay. He would never abandon his soulmate again.

However, just as the lycanthrope was ready to welcome a peaceful sleep, his door slowly opened. He hated the sound of squeaking doors ever since Greyback had brutally attacked him as a child. "Remus?" Sirius asked in a low voice while entering his bedroom, "Would it be too much to ask if I could sleep here with you? The moonlight in the office is quite intense, casts too many shadows on the wall, and the loud ticking of the grandfather clock drives me crazy." The wolf in Remus started howling, what a timing, he could not have imagined anything better. "I can understand if you don't want to, given our history, but this does not have to mean anything. After all, I don't even know if you have a family." Sirius’ face seemed apologetic, abashed even.

Remus slid over to the other half of the bed and signaled Sirius to get closer, "Of course! I married the daughter of the Minister for Magic and we have eight children together. She especially appreciates the fact that I am a werewolf." Sirius chuckled slightly, Remus could literally hear the Animagus rolling his eyes, and laid down next to him, "Very funny! How should I know? You're still young, handsome and charming, no one could turn you down."

Did Sirius actually hear what he was saying? Remus was glad that it was dark in the room and that the nightly visitor could not see his face, because he blushed like a teenager. Sirius, in particular, had always seen him in a wholly different light compared to how he perceived himself, and Remus still wondered how his friend could see so much beauty, both external and internal, within the monster. When Sirius thoughtlessly shifted closer and his hair tickled the arm of the werewolf, Remus briefly stopped breathing. Sirius was so close, so insanely near to his touch, but he could not allow himself to be urged by his impulses. A bit like sweet torture.

"By the way, I rarely have nights where I can sleep without any nightmares," Sirius admitted sheepishly as he took up a comfortable sleeping position, "Please forgive me if I manage to wake you up." Remus shook his head, but quickly realized that Sirius could hardly see him due to the darkness, "You don't need to apologize for that. With everything you've experienced, it would be a miracle if it were the other way around." He gave the hand of the Animagus a reassuring squeeze under the blanket, "I'm here, just wake me up if it gets too bad. Like in the old days." Sirius said nothing for a while, but then he turned his back to Remus, repeating his words quietly and relaxed, "Like in the old days."


	15. Like a Map of our Youth

***

Remus always woke up well without an alarm clock, although his sleep tended to be very deep. Except for the times just before and after his transformation, he was the absolute early riser, loved it when the morning sun slowly rose and he could enjoy the fresh air, undisturbed with a warm cup of tea in his hand. Especially as a student and later, after 1981, when his mental condition was more than scratched, morning walks gave him the energy he needed for the day. They prepared him to function properly. He enjoyed the peace and quiet in the morning, the certainty that nobody wanted anything from him. In their former dormitory, he had often been the first one to get up. But only when James had not been taking his early morning jolly out on them all. Through Sirius, he had later learned to appreciate staying in bed a little longer, reading while the Animagus, whose sleep rhythm had always been disturbed, was still sleeping peacefully. Today, he was awakened by the gentle smell of a scent he did not particularly recognize. A contrasting note of tangy bergamot balanced by the balsamic herbal aromas of pine wood and tart cedar nuances. An atmospheric fragrance that seemed to warm the air and create a sense of coziness. Remus' body relaxed in the pleasant scent, deeply enjoying its effect through deep breaths, until his mind was awake enough to guess where the scent came from. His eyes snapped open and he looked around wildly. As he had expected, Sirius' head lay on his chest, the man’s hair tickling Remus' face.

The Animagus had pressed his entire body against Remus, arms and legs wrapped around him, sleeping calmly. So much for taking things slowly. Remus would have liked to wrap his arms around Sirius as well, to hold him close and enjoy his warmth, but he knew that his friend had probably unconsciously taken up the sleeping position and did not mean it. Nevertheless, Remus could not bring himself to break free from Sirius' intimate grip just yet. Everything felt right, finally complete, and the lovely scent of Sirius' hair almost put him back to sleep with relish. Since the sun had not yet completely risen, Remus knew that it could not be late. He needed to check anyway, freeing one arm from under the blanket and using his wand on the bedside table to tell the time. Half past five in the morning - still plenty of time before he had to get ready for the teachers' meeting that Snape had told him about yesterday.

Poor Hagrid, Remus feared that the half giant had gone too far in his euphoria about magical creatures due to his lack of teaching experience. Hagrid had most likely disregarded the safety precautions for students. Hopefully, the injury of the affected student did not have all too bad consequences for the kind-hearted man. Remus felt for him, the sudden responsibility for more than thirty teenagers at once was hard on him too. When Sirius moved in his sleep, placing his arm from under the blanket on Remus' chest, the professor was torn from his thoughts. If Sirius had experienced nightmares during the last hours, Remus had not noticed. He was certainly hoping that his friend had maybe finally managed to sleep through the night again. Maybe even thanks to Remus' presence, which gave him the much-craved comfort. A pleasant thought. Without intending it, Remus stroked the delicate skin of Sirius' forearm with his fingertips.

Compared to the past, it too looked very thin. Remus brushed over Sirius' tattoos, gently traced them with his fingers, the inked skin of the Animagus like a map of their time together. A map of their adventurous youth and young adulthood, depicting all their highlights, struggles and special moments.

Remus could still remember Sirius' first tattoo. He was far too young, just fifteen years old, and had taken James to a shady parlor on Knockturn Alley. No one there asked questions, and no one cared how old the customers were. Sirius had once again received a howler from his mother the previous day, had been told what a disgrace he was for the family and that he should stay away from Regulus. He had drowned his sorrows in alcohol and James had only accompanied him to make sure that drunk Sirius did not hire any nitwits or pick a design he would later regret just to upset his mother. The design still had the desired effect, however, as the lion's head on his upper arm, symbolizing Gryffindor, sent Walburga Black into a raging fury.

A year later, shortly after Sirius ran away from home to live with the Potters, he got a black cross with a French quotation tattooed on his right forearm, which Remus had just outlined with his fingertips. Sirius was fluent in French and the quote 'Les amis: une famille dont on a choisi les membres' reminded him, he said, to leave his blood family behind. The Marauders, Fleamont and Euphemia Potter were his only family now. Once started, many more tattoos from better artists soon followed. A pine tree on Sirius' right forearm, which reminded him of the nights spent together in the forest after Remus' transformation, the Leo star constellation on his right shoulder blade, which was dedicated to his brother, who was named after one of the stars of this constellation, and other smaller ones. After Peter, too, had finally managed to become an Animagus, Sirius received a tattoo of a dog's pawprint on the other upper arm. An ode to their unimaginable union. Two of Sirius' tattoos were dedicated to James, an antler on his neck and the corresponding numbers 27-3-60, James' birth date. After their graduation, the silhouette of Hogwarts on his left forearm was added; how Remus remembered all of this so well was a mystery to him.

After James' and Lily's engagement, Sirius had used a magical tattoo gun to engrave the words 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good' on his ribs, the words used to open the Marauder's Map. Three of Sirius' tattoos were dedicated to Remus, which was still unreal to him. Sirius wore the alchemical symbol for Amalgamation, which is also associated with the grey wolf, directly on his sternum - probably his most striking piece.

Furthermore, an enchanted tattoo adorned his left wrist, which always showed the current phase of the moon. Even if Remus could not see it now, as Sirius' left arm was covered by the blanket, it was his favorite piece despite being a reminder of his own lycanthropy. This way, Sirius always knew how much time they had left until the next full moon and how he could best support Remus. This incredible man. A year before Sirius' arrest, Remus' initials R.J.L. were added to his skin, despite Remus' warning not to depict any directly person-related things. However, Sirius had insisted that he would rather wander the world with an everlasting memory of Remus than, should they unexpectedly separate one day, not wear his soulmate’s name on his skin. It had been important to him, so he gave his blessing.

When Sirius turned his head, snuggling up more intimately on Remus' chest, the wolf could see the only tattoo that Sirius would probably always regret. The prisoner number from Azkaban on his neck, which had been given to him upon his arrival. Remus knew that this was a common practice among the newly incoming inmates and yet, his blood boiled at the thought that Sirius had been marked against his will. That he had been held for so long despite being innocent. Remus gently brushed his high cheekbones and absorbed the image that presented itself to his eyes. Sirius looked so peaceful, so calm that it no longer seemed as if he had not slept in a real bed since forever. Everyone in his family had these prominent cheekbones, a feature that Remus had noticed immediately when meeting Orion and Walburga Black for the first time. His facial structure gave him a certain sense of aristocracy, a gentlemanly attitude that his brother Regulus had also shared. Sirius had gracefully arched brows and eyelashes, now with his closed eyes in a perfect contrast to his porcelain skin. Eyelashes so thick, it should be illegal. No one could look that good after a decade of prison.

Although Remus could have spent hours studying Sirius' face, he wanted to get breakfast before the teacher conference started. After all, Sirius could not just show up in the Great Hall to get himself something to eat. Slowly and carefully, he freed himself from the grip of the Animagus, determined not to wake him under any circumstances. Sirius' eyebrows furrowed briefly, but then his face relaxed again as Remus placed a pillow in his place. He closed the small gap in the curtain through which the sunlight began to shine to allow Sirius a few more quiet hours enveloped in pleasant darkness.

Before he left the room, he magically opened one of the upper windows, letting the fresh morning air flow into the bedroom. The air felt like an awakening in Remus' lungs. This is how freedom must feel like to Sirius, fresh and all-embracing and liberating. _Peter will learn how wrong it was to betray us. You will be free again._

***

Sirius awoke when a pleasant wind blew over the exposed skin of his arms. Except for this part of his body, his whole figure was comfortably warm and relaxed, a feeling that was still foreign to him. The room was dimly lit, it was definitely late morning, because despite the thick curtains, enough light reached his face. Sirius stretched out his arms and legs, looking out from under the grey bedding.

For the first time in twelve years, he had actually managed to sleep through the night and did not even have a single nightmare. But he had dreamed something beautiful instead; he had fallen asleep and Remus had gently stroked his hair and skin. The man had held him protectively and Sirius had seldomly felt so carefree. Since their last night together, many years ago, he usually felt tensed after getting up. It was almost as if the presence of Remus had kept all evil spirits away. Sirius rubbed his eyes and sat up; the half of the bed next to him was deserted. Needless to say, Remus had already got up and gone to class. He had slept so deeply, had not noticed a thing.

What a pity, because Remus had always been especially adorable in the morning, when he sat on the edge of their bed with disheveled hair and a drowsy voice. At least that was how it used to be. The fact that Remus told him in a roundabout way that he had no family made Sirius sad on the one hand, but on the other hand he could not help but being inwardly glad. A selfish feeling, being happy that Remus was apparently single again. Or still single. Even if the latter, should this prove to be true, made him upset, after all Remus deserved the world, he was pleased not having to rule out the chance of a future relationship entirely. With one tender hand he pulled aside the dark curtain, allowing the sunlight to shine into the room. Hogwarts in the morning was truly a feast for the eyes, something he had never appreciated enough in the past. Something his ego-driven teenage-self had been too busy to notice. The merlons of the rooftops were still damp, apparently it had rained during the night, but the sun peeped out from behind scattered clouds and bathed the castle in a wakeful glow.

Even the mountains in the backdrop, gracefully and greenly overgrown, occasionally already covered with spots of autumn leaves, caught Sirius' attention. Ever since their walks through the forest, after discovering that Remus was a werewolf, nature had become a comfort for him. Although it was late morning, the trees were still shrouded in a soft mist. The fresh air was all the more intense at the window, but as Sirius took a deep breath to savor the moment, something else reached his nostrils. Something apart from the familiar fragrance emanating from Remus' clothes on his own skin. Food.

He turned around and only now saw the loaded table next to the bed. It was completely packed with a variety of food, carefully and affectionately arranged. Fruit, toast, cereal, a small jug of milk, porridge and the best, a pot of coffee. Prior to the conference, Remus must have taken the time to arrange all of this for him. Sirius rubbed his forehead, grinning, "How in the world do I deserve you, Remus Lupin?" He had to admit that he was indeed quite hungry, and the sight of the food made him very happy. Especially the coffee; he had missed the brew so much. With the smile still on his lips, Sirius poured the deliciously fragrant liquid into the adjacent cup. Remus had apparently memorized exactly how Sirius took his coffee. Without sugar, with only a little milk so as not to distort the aroma. He sat back on the bed and snatched one of the grapes from the tray. Where had Remus found all this? He could not remember having such an extensive breakfast during their time at Hogwarts. Hopefully, Remus had not gotten himself into trouble just for him. Never in his life could he eat all this. Even during his most active Quidditch phase, with pubescent metabolism, he could not have eaten that much. Now, he could not eat whatever he wanted anyway, because he had made the experience at Martha's that many dishes did not agree with him anymore. All thanks to the long malnutrition and the strain it had put on his body.

Sirius wrapped his fingers around the coffee mug, enjoying the heat that spread through his hands. He had always loved coffee, appreciated its bitterness, especially since his parents had hated the brown liquid. Only his uncle Alphard, the only relative he got along with, had enjoyed his coffee whenever he had visited Grimmauld place.

Alphard used to sip at his coffee like it was a great luxury, his face the same as when he took a nip of his single malt, relaxed, savoring both the drink and the moment. He could still remember exactly how Alphard, while rummaging through the kitchen cupboards, got upset when he could not find any coffee in his sister’s house. Something that every normal household should have on hand.

_"Is there not a single drop of caffeine in this household?"_

_"You know that mother hates coffee, right uncle Alphard?" Regulus answered while watching him from outside the kitchen._

_"Well Reg," Sirius replied, "she hates children as well, but look at us both."_

Alphard had been Sirius' own godfather and the two of them had been on exactly the same wavelength. The man had never cared about his sister's pureblood chatter. Presumably, this was one of the reasons why his face got burned off the family tapestry after a while, as was Sirius' own. Alphard had not gotten along very well with his brother-in-law Orion either, although Sirius believed that this was more due to his mother's influence. His father had certainly not been a talkative person. Not even in the presence of his wife. Lost in thought, he bit into a piece of sweet toast. When his parents were both out and about, attending pompous gala events or distant family dinners with the Rosiers or Lestranges, which had happened at least once a week, Alphard had usually watched over young Regulus. After the boy had gone to bed, Alphard frequently used to accompany Sirius in his room. Perhaps not the best, but the most pleasant influence of his life up until this point for sure.

_"I'll call you back later, James," Sirius put the mirror aside._

_"You're way too young to be smoking, kiddo. It's bad for your health," Alphard said as he entered Sirius' room. He himself also had a lit cigarette between his lips._

_"That's rich, coming from you," Sirius replied with a laugh, knowing that Alphard kept drawing his attention to it, but would never forbid him to do so._

_"What does your mother say about this?" asked his uncle and pointed to Sirius' lip piercing as he sat down on the sofa opposite Sirius' bed._

_Sirius pulled up the sleeve of his sweater and revealed a fresh scar on his forearm, "Self-explanatory enough?"_

_"Listen my boy, if it gets too bad you can't stay here any longer," Alphard replied in a sudden stern tone, "There is only so much I can do." Still, a grin returned to his face, "But keep the piercing, it looks badass."_

His uncle had often defended him against Walburga, managing to convince Orion to stop his wife on more than just one occasion. Sirius had been infinitely grateful to him for this. Alphard had also been the most elegant person Sirius had ever met, and that meant something in the noble and most ancient Black family. His godfather had been a tall, slender man with long black hair, who had always worn the finest velvet robes and most stylish ties. To be honest, Sirius recognized certain features of his uncle when looking at his own face nowadays. Without the youthful charm in his eyes, he resembled Alphard a lot.

The man had sadly passed away during Sirius' seventh year at Hogwarts, quite unexpectedly and without any previous signs. Since then, Sirius had suspected that his uncle had surrounded himself with the wrong people, making enemies within the family. It had always been a means of the Blacks to swiftly eliminate black sheep, the irony in that thought was incredibly ambivalent, whenever they became too intrusive. His death had deeply affected Sirius, even though Remus helped him as much as he could. His uncle had meant a lot to the Animagus and was probably the only Black, besides Regulus, that Sirius would still like to talk to today. The man did not have any children of his own and in his will, he had bequeathed Sirius his entire and quite considerable fortune. A kindness that allowed Sirius to move into the apartment with Remus later, all without financial support of the Potters.

Sirius took another sip from his coffee cup. Perhaps this was also the reason why he liked coffee so much. It reminded him of his beloved uncle, who, according to Muggle lore, definitely had to be in heaven while both his parents were burning in hell. After another toast and some fruit, he was more than satisfied and suddenly wondered whether Remus had eaten any breakfast himself. The man was so selfless, so self-sacrificing, that he managed to forget such things. Since the tray looked as if Sirius had hardly eaten anything, he covered it with a preserving spell and went to the bathroom to start the day. Despite knowing that Remus had locked up behind him, he avoided entering the professor's office, wanting to pass up the chance of running into Snape again at all costs.

James would be beside himself with confusion had he known that Snivellus was now teaching his son. And rightly so. What a strange coincidence. Remus was right, he could not imagine Snape interacting with teenagers. Especially not with Harry.

Sirius could not wait to meet his godson, the boy’s older self as the present-day teenager. Perhaps he would get the opportunity at some point after they caught Peter. It was quite the temptation to break into the Gryffindors' dormitory disguised as a dog and approach Peter personally, but now he was not only responsible for himself, but in danger of revealing Remus as an accomplice. He had to be absolutely certain not to get caught again before he could take a step towards Peter and a potential sneaking around in the castle, albeit in disguise, would only make the other Animagus become suspicious. Sirius inwardly hoped that Remus already had a plan, a way of bringing the traitor down, just as he always used to have. After Peter was out of the way, he just had to finish him off, Sirius would make the first step. Or at least as much as he could. He would not waste any more time by not revealing his true feelings to Remus.

The very feelings he had to keep hidden for twelve years in order for them to survive Azkaban's attacks. He still loved Remus with all of his heart. His whole being longed for the werewolf.

Time had been wasted enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tattoo headcanon inspiration by @themaraudersguidetohogwarts on tumblr


	16. The Art of Catching a Coward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your lovely comments. They mean the world to me!

***

"Finally, it can be added that vampires live much longer than Muggles. Notable examples of this are the Hungarian Countess Carmilla Sanguina, who lived to be 196 years old, and the vampire researcher Amarillo Lestoat, who lived until 201," Millicent's voice was quiet and embarrassed, her gaze almost glued to her notes, tensed as if she had just begun her presentation. "That was all on the subject of vampires, their distinguishing features and their history. Thanks for listening." Remus, who had sat in Millicent's chair, was the first to applaud. The class followed his example, and a short applause rang through the classroom. "Thank you for your profound and well-researched presentation, Millicent," Remus said aloud, rising to relieve the student standing in front of the class. Millicent's face was bright red and the rather reserved Slytherin looked down, fingers tensed around the fabric of her robe. "Would some of you please be so kind as to assess the presentation you have just heard according to our established feedback criteria?" Remus asked the class. Hermione raised her hand immediately, as she almost always did, but Remus waited a moment longer to give other students the opportunity for an answer as well. When Theodore Nott's hand also appeared, Remus gave him precedence for the time being. "I think you shouldn't have read so much off your notes but could have kept more eye contact with the course," Theodore submitted in a clear tone of voice. The professor shook his head, friendly but sternly. "What do we usually start with?" he asked the boy directly.

"Oh, sorry, first something you did particularly well. I found your presentation very exciting and informative, especially your detailed points regarding their identification were cool." Millicent looked up awkwardly, smiling a little. "Right, and now one more point of constructive criticism if you want to voice it, Theodore," Remus suggested with a smile. "Next time, look more at us, I felt like you were reading off a book." "She was," Dean Thomas replied, whispering to Seamus Finnigan, both of them starting to grin, but a glance from Remus was enough to silence him. He was very pleased that even after his short time as a teacher, he had already mastered the classroom discipline so well.

"Thank you for your assessment, Theodore. I would like to have one last evaluation before I release you into the break. Hermione, I think I saw your hand as well," Remus addressed the Gryffindor in the front row. "I enjoyed your presentation very much, Millicent," said Hermione in a friendly and empathetic tone, "As Theodore already mentioned, you were well informed, more than necessary even, were able to answer interposed questions well, and also included all the points from the textbook. But I also think you were a bit absent. Next time, try to integrate us more. By asking questions at times, for example." Remus nodded and turned to the class after Hermione had finished speaking. "Two very nice assessments. You really have no reason to be shy, Millicent, because your presentation was so well structured and information-laden that nothing could have bothered you topic-wise. I would like to talk to you privately after the lesson to give you my full feedback. However, what Hermione and Theodore suggested was absolutely right. Through questions, more eye contact and vocal pauses, we make a lecture of any kind more exciting and the information more easily digestible for our listeners. Nevertheless, we have to keep in mind that it is the first presentation of this semester for each of us and no one is born a master. I think Millicent deserves another round of applause for her brave work."

The class applauded and while Millicent sat down, Remus could see how most of the tension fell off the girl’s shoulders. "I'll let you all off into your well-earned afternoon. Please remember to bring the exercise diary on Friday, as we need it to continue our training. Take care!" At Remus' last word, the shrill sound of the school bell rang out, signaling the end of the sixth lesson. His timing today was really stunning despite the short night and early awakening. He also knew what, or better who, had been the reason for that.

The students packed up their things and left the classroom with a murmur. Some of them shouted a special farewell to him, which made the professor happy inside. Lost in thought, Remus packed the books he had brought with him into the leather shoulder bag on his teacher's desk. He spotted Draco Malfoy in the room, the boy's white-blonde hair a good identifying feature. It had been Draco who had been injured by a hippogriff in Hagrid's class, and the boy's father had been present at the teachers' conference earlier this morning. Lucius Malfoy was six years older than Remus himself, so he knew the man only fleetingly from their school days at Hogwarts. After all, he had only been a child himself when Lucius had graduated here. Nevertheless, he could still remember how arrogant Lucius had been, always trying to suck up to every teacher, while preaching his pureblood ideals.

Today, Lucius had made his position towards Hagrid very clear, he would have liked to see him suspended from the teaching profession. Dumbledore, however, had strongly disagreed and the faculty had also voted not to punish Hagrid any further. The gentle half giant could not even defend himself as tears were blocking his words and Remus had felt sorry for him. Hagrid never meant harm, to no one, and he certainly felt more than guilty about the incident. However, Lucius would not let up until a decision had been made in his favor, so Dumbledore suggested the hiring of a second teacher, someone who could accompany Hagrid in future lessons, helping him while making sure that no magical creature would come near the students ever again. Hagrid welcomed this suggestion greatly and even seemed relieved to have another colleague at his side in the future. He certainly had the passion to teach but was probably in need of proper guidance. Lucius did not seem to be completely convinced of the idea, his arrogant expression spoke volumes, but seemed to accept Dumbledore's verdict.

Draco, who had just walked out the door of the classroom, was different, he was much more meek, more fearful even, and Remus suspected that this was his mother's influence. The boy may have had a tough facade that earned him recognition among his friends, but Remus could see through him, saw behind the Slytherin's haughty attitude, which was most likely filled with years of rejection, a longing for love and security. Apparently, Lucius had already talked to his son about the Lupin family before the semester because Draco was prejudiced against him right from Remus' first lesson, making comments about the condition of his robes. The werewolf, however, did not let this upset him, had long learned to deal with the critical looks of others.

Draco reminded him a little of Sirius’ nature before he had become friends with him during their first year: Drawn by indoctrinated pureblood guidelines that were supposed to set him apart from the masses, but in which he himself did not believe.

It was already four o'clock in the afternoon and Remus smiled, hoping that Sirius was not too bored. Millicent waited next to Remus' table, and since almost all of her classmates had left the room, Remus did not want to keep her waiting any longer. He handed her the parchment with the notes he had been making during her presentation. "I graded your work with Exceeds Expectations, because there was nothing to criticize about it from a technical point of view. You did a very nice research. However, you should have more confidence in yourself," Remus said with a gentle smile, "If you are too nervous, just keep reminding yourself that you are so well prepared that nothing can happen to you." Millicent began to smile shyly. "I always get so nervous when I notice that everyone is staring at me," she admitted sheepishly. Remus nodded, "Understandably. When all the eyes of your classmates are on you, it can be quite uncomfortable. Nevertheless, you are the one who gives the command in the moment of the presentation and if you involve your classmates from time to time, they won't even notice that you are agitated. Next time, try talking through your presentation in front of Pansy or someone else so that she can take your excitement away. Believe me, I too am nervous sometimes, it's quite normal." Remus winked at her, and Millicent seemed so much calmer already. "Thank you, Professor. You really are the best." The girl put the signed paper with her grade in her bag and left the room with a beaming face.

Harry and Ron, both with their hands in their pockets, waited a little further away by the door, just as Remus had asked them to before the lesson. The professor joined them. "Thanks for waiting, boys, I just have a little something I want to ask you." Both looked at him questioningly and Remus felt anxiety rising in him. After all, he was asking for something very special. Something that would have drastic consequences. "If you could find the time to come and see me in my office after dinner, I would be very grateful. Please bring your pets and I'll explain everything later." Remus did not like the idea of using the boys for Peter's unveiling, but he had gone through all the possibilities and this was the only way to get Peter caught reliably, without breaking several laws himself.

During every break between classes, he had studied the Marauder's Map, watching Peter, and the Animagus had remained in the Gryffindor dormitory, which let Remus suspect that Ronald had to kept him in a cage. He crossed his arms, hoping very much that the boys would follow his instructions without asking too many questions. "Our pets, Sir?" Harry asked in surprise, "What do we need them for?" Remus put on a smile, trying to act casually, "I'd like to try something for our next class, and I thought you might like to see it first. Let me surprise you." It felt so wrong to lie to the kids, but he had to concentrate on the bigger picture now. "Cool," Ron replied excitedly, "I've always wanted to bring Scabbers to class." _Scabbers._ So that's what Ron called Peter. "I'll expect you at 6 o'clock, no hurry, I'll be in the office all evening. Please, don't talk to anybody about this, I thought you two might be able to keep it a secret." Harry and Ron nodded, and Remus felt bad. He had never manipulated anyone so viciously before. It did not feel good, quite the opposite really.

"See you later, Professor," Harry said, his face visibly pleased, and the two boys left the classroom. Remus sighed; tonight, he would confront Peter, a more than strange feeling. Still, the faster the better.

Slowly, Remus walked up the stairs to his office, a bag in his hand, and made sure that he was truly alone by looking over his shoulder. Then, he unlocked the door with a wave of his wand. There was already a fire burning in the fireplace and Sirius had snuggled down on the couch with a book in his lap. His hair was tied into a bun, held by his new wand, just like in the past. When Remus entered, he looked up. "You must have been terribly bored, please excuse me for taking so long," Remus said, putting his bag on the table, "As compensation, I brought us dinner." He held out one of the bags to Sirius, filled with food he had picked up earlier at lunch, lentil curry. Sirius laughed and the sound was like music to Remus' ears. "I don't think you can imagine what a huge upgrade your quarters are compared to a cell in Azkaban. I could spend several years in here." Remus smiled, though the comparison was sad. "Besides, you have enough interesting books to read, I'm good." Sirius closed Dostoyevsky’s _Crime and Punishment_ , how ironic that he had chosen exactly this book, and put it on the table in front of him.

Remus poured himself a cup of tea from the teapot that Sirius seemed to have already prepared, "I must admit, Sirius Black and a book that is read voluntarily, quite the shock.” Both grinned and Remus joined his friend on the couch, also refilling the teacup sitting on the desk. "I know, right! I think I'm finally starting to appreciate books. Like with so many things you only become aware of once you've lost them."

A short pause for silence made Remus reflect, made him wonder if Sirius was referring to their old life, something he immediately thought about. "Your breakfast surprise this morning came just in time and was very good, thank you so much," Sirius suddenly said and looked into Remus' eyes, deep grey meeting hazel, "I haven't slept this well in a long time." _Likewise._

Remus swung his wand and another bag floated towards the sofa. "Speaking of surprises, I made a small detour to the laundry area at Hogwarts this morning to fetch you something." Sirius looked at him questioningly as he rummaged through the bag with his fingers. Remus took out black pants, a white shirt and a grey sweater, clearly one of the official school uniforms. "Unfortunately, they didn't have all the uniforms available, meaning I had no choice but to bring you a Slytherin sweater," Remus halted, "However, apart from that you finally have something that most likely fits you better." Sirius stroked his fingers over the soft material of the sweater, "What a comforting thought that now, in my early thirties, I can fit into fucking school uniforms again." His tone was sarcastic, but still grateful. As his elegant fingers traced the small coat of arms depicting the snake, his expression darkened, "My mother would be proud of me. After so many years, her traitorous son is finally wearing _decent_ clothes." Remus wanted to spare Sirius the unpleasant thoughts, wanted to see him smile again. Wanted nothing more than seeing him happy again. Even if the expression was only faint.

"As a matter of fact, they had Gryffindor uniforms today, but just for the girls and they are only distributed in combination with skirts." He poked Sirius in the side and the Animagus' face lit up a bit. "I would have taken them with me, but rumors start to circulate quickly, and I would rather not be the teacher who perversely steals skirts from the laundry. You know, just a precaution." Sirius raised his eyebrows, his tongue sticking out laterally between his teeth. "What a wasted opportunity! Wouldn't you have liked to see me in a skirt?" He got up to go and change and Remus blushed slightly, looking at the elegant form of his friend until the door slowly closed behind him _. Everything looks good on you, but I'd rather see you without any clothes again._ Where did that thought come from? Remus swallowed, confused by his conscience.

To take his mind off things, he began to prepare their early dinner on two plates, placing them on the coffee table in front of the sofa. Hopefully, Sirius still liked curry, as he used to during their youth, but Remus hardly believed that this had changed. He sighed, it felt like a final meal, a last rest before confronting Peter. The werewolf still had no idea how he could spare the boys the revelation of Peter and whether he could even get them to leave his office without their pets. At worst, Harry and Ronald would have to witness the reveal, see that Peter was no ordinary rat. Maybe this was a good thing, because Peter’s transformation would make it easier to explain things to Harry. James' boy deserved to know the truth, even though the situation would certainly shock him at first. To be honest, he could not imagine that the boys would agree to leave their pets behind, they seemed too curious, true caring Gryffindors. Remus could not even imagine being alone with Peter. How would he face his former friend after all these incidents and what would Peter say to the sudden confrontation? One thing Remus knew for sure, however, was that he would not let Peter near Sirius.

Of course he had to tell Sirius about his plan, could not keep him in the dark about what he was up to, but he was afraid that his friend would not be convinced to wait outside his office until Peter was overwhelmed and dealt with. To be honest, it would be a miracle if Sirius would agree to wait at all, since it had never been the nature of the man to sit out heated situations. Nevertheless, Remus had to stop him somehow, if only to de-escalate the overall situation, should the boys be indeed present. Whether they liked it or not, Sirius still had the image of a psychopathic mass murderer and his unexplained appearance would surely scare the kids into oblivion.

Remus took another sip from his teacup, wishing that the whole confrontation was already over. He needed to grade the rest of the essays afterwards, regardless of tonight's outcome, because he wanted to return them on Friday. Still, in a few hours, he would have a reason to celebrate, because if everything went smoothly right away, if Peter was revealed, Sirius would be a free man again. As he deserved to be.

Thinking about why Sirius was taking so long, Remus slowly got up from the comfortable sofa and went to the bathroom. He mostly checked on Sirius out of old habit. Arriving at the light-colored wooden door, he knocked softly to make himself known, "Sirius, are you okay in there?" There was no answer and Remus waited a moment longer before he pushed the door handle down in wonder. The door was not locked. "I'm coming in now!" To his surprise, the room was only dimly lit, almost as if it were deserted. But Remus did not have to look around long to spot Sirius, for he stood directly in front of the large wall mirror, his gaze fixedly directed forward.

When he made no effort to turn around, Remus knocked against the door frame again, "I've prepared dinner, are you ready?" Sirius, who was now wearing the clothes Remus had brought with him, did not move, almost as if he did not notice anything around him. The lycanthrope looked around and slowly stepped into the room, "Sirius?" As he approached the man, he saw that his friend not only looked into the mirror, but stared at his reflection with wide eyes, almost as if he saw something beyond the scope of Remus’ gaze. Sirius' chest rose very quickly and his two hands, hanging limply down the sides of his body, trembled as he came closer. "Hey, what's going on?" the professor asked in a gentle voice, but when he put his hand on Sirius' shoulder, the latter twitched violently, whirling around so fiercely that he sank to the ground. "Don't touch me," he exclaimed in a shaky voice, his eyes afraid and unfocused, "Don't you ever touch me!" Remus' breath faltered, what had happened? As he slowly bent down, Sirius panicked and slid away from him until his back hit the bathtub with a dull sound. "I fucking mean it, don't come any closer!" His words now resembled a desperate cry rather than a sentence, and Remus held his open palms in the air in concern. He did not know what to do, did not know how to signal that he meant no harm. Apparently, something had triggered an anxiety attack within the Animagus.

"Sirius, it's me, Remus," he said slowly and shifted closer to the black-haired man who still seemed to be trapped in his hallucination. "Please, you can't do this to me," Sirius stammered faintly, trembling all over his body, and Remus realized that he had to intervene now rather than later. He himself had reached the bathtub, had slowly shifted his body forward, and could hold on to his friend, "Sirius, you're having a hallucination, you are at Hogwarts, you are safe. I need you to come back to me, okay?"

Maybe this had not been the best idea, because now Sirius crouched down and covered his ears as if he could not stand the ambient noises Remus was not able to hear. Desperation began to rise within the lycanthrope, he could not bear seeing Sirius like that. Words were not helping and he could not remember the correct steps to bring someone down from a panic attack. Without further ado, his hands gripped the man’s shoulders, as he started to shake him lightly but steadily. "It's me, I'm here, you're safe." After a few seconds, Sirius gasped for breath as if he had just emerged from the water, his body instantly calm. Remus paused, tensed and unable to assess how Sirius was doing. "Hey, are you okay, what happened?" the man asked quietly while starting to rub the Animagus' back.

Sirius swallowed, blinked several times, looking around the room, "R-Remus?" The haze over Sirius' eyes had disappeared, yet the fear and uncertainty of the fading episode remained. "Yes, I am here. You were in a kind of trance, but you're okay now." Sirius took a deep breath and leaned his head against the edge of the bathtub, obviously exhausted. Remus' hand still drew gentle circles across his back, slowly and comforting. The raven-haired man exhaled, "I think I got a little too carried away with the thought of my mother earlier," his hand moved across the floor, searching, and Remus took it in his own so he could hold on to something. "After I changed, the light suddenly went out and I saw her through the mirror. She-she stood right behind me." His gaze wandered to the large wall mirror and then back to Remus, "She laughed at me, mocked me that although I was finally wearing the clothes she would have wanted to see on me for so many years, nothing would change. That I only stumbled from one prison to the next, that my whole life consists of suffering and grief, just as I deserved." He swallowed again, "Am I finally losing it?"

Remus stroked Sirius' knuckle with his thumb, "That wasn't real, she's dead, she can't hurt you anymore." Sirius nodded, but did not seem particularly convinced. "I know but still, she seemed so real. I could feel her aura very clearly, could hear her cold laughter in my head." He shivered. "When she tried to attack me, too many memories came rushing back. It was as if I was reliving every moment of her hurting me. The Cruciatus Curse really lives up to its name, won't let me forget the pain even after years and years of getting it out of my head." Remus shifted slightly so he could check Sirius' eyes, "It must have been terrible to relive all this again but let me remind you of how strong you are. You are here, after all these and so many more hardships. You have left her and everything else behind and she will never hurt you again. I'll make sure of it."

Sirius' solidified his grip on Remus' hand before he pulled the grey sweater over his shoulders, revealing the white shirt underneath, and threw it into the corner of the room. "So much for that sweater. So much for my glorious Slytherin moment." He sighted, "You probably should have brought the Gryffindor girl's uniform after all." Remus smiled slightly and pulled Sirius to his feet, "I will remember that! Come on now, the food has certainly almost gone cold."

While they ate, Remus looked repeatedly at the watch on his wrist, which he had put on especially for today’s occasion. Half past five. If they were on time, Harry and Ron would be here in half an hour. As his stress level rose, so did his excitement and Remus bit the inside of his cheek, his appetite fading gradually. Sirius had not eaten much either, and the lycanthrope wondered if he disliked the curry or if his poor appetite was due to the illusory encounter with his mother earlier. His question got answered seconds later.

Sirius cleared his throat, "I'm afraid the sight of my charming mother has upset my stomach," he leaned back in the sofa, "The food was still very tasty, you simply know me too well." _Do I?_ Remus smiled and magically moved their plates aside before looking at the wristwatch once more. "I'm sure exactly one minute has passed since you last checked," Sirius crossed his legs, "Are you expecting someone today or do you have to leave again?" Remus scratched the back of his head, "Is it that obvious?" Sirius brushed a curl, that had fallen out of his bun and into his face, back behind his ear, "No, not at all. Just for people with eyes." He turned to Remus, grinning, "And maybe I enjoy looking at you."

Remus swallowed. Of all the time the two spent together, now was the most inconvenient slot to flirt with him. Nevertheless, Remus' heartbeat accelerated. Sirius' soft features were only embellished by the glow of the fireplace; he was once again struck by Sirius’ beauty. The man was like the sun, like burning fire. During their youth, he always had people orbiting around him; some were so close it burned them, some were so far, they were the coldest they could be because they wanted to be closer. The lucky ones were in the perfect distance to feel his warmth and live with him peacefully. In one way or another all the people that met him felt attracted to him. He was the brightest person you could ever meet.

Realizing that he had not turned his eyes away from Sirius since his answer, the werewolf looked at his own hands. "This afternoon I asked Harry, along with his friend Ronald, the Weasley boy, to meet me in my office at six and bring their respective pets. It struck me as the only possible plan to bring Peter here safely and without greater risk." Sirius blinked as if Remus had spoken another language.

Then his mouth opened slightly, eyebrows furrowed. "Harry as in Harry Potter?" the man asked softly and when Remus nodded, Sirius started to massage his forehead. "Why would you want to involve Harry in something like that?" he inquired quietly, his eyes closed. Remus shook his head, "Believe me, I'd rather catch Peter without the children, but we need the two of them to bring him here unsuspectingly." Sirius' face was now unreadable, his head lowered, and Remus knew what that meant. "There must be another way, I can't involve Harry in this mess." Remus looked at him in bewilderment, "The boy deserves to know the truth. Besides, it's not you who is dragging him into anything, but me. I’ll handle the situation while you wait outside the office." Sirius snorted, a sudden cold undertone in his voice, "So you expect me to sit tight while this traitor is near Harry and you? No way!"

Remus leaned forward, not in the mood for discussion but having expected it to come down to this, "Sirius, we have to be smart about this. We only have this one chance to confront him and if something goes wrong, it will have fatal consequences." Sirius opened his eyes, every little grin of the last conversation vanished from his face. "You think I don't know that? Don't you think I realize what will happen if Peter gets away again?" His voice was tense and louder than usual, and Remus flinched, "Sirius listen to me, if there was another way, I would take it, but I too must keep a low profile. As a teacher, I can hardly break into the Gryffindor common room and chase after Peter." The Animagus folded his arms in front of his chest, almost as if the room's temperature had dropped suddenly, "You're right, because I should have done that. I should have sought out Peter in the dormitory and brought him down. As a dog, that would have been easy for me."

Remus could only shake his head, "Do you hear what you're saying? Even as a dog, you attract attention in the castle, especially when you suddenly find yourself in the Gryffindor common room. Besides, you can't just kill Peter, we need him as proof of your innocence. If he gets hurt before he can change back, no one will believe the truth." Remus clenched his hands into fists when an inner rage began to surface, overcoming him, "Sirius, that would mean they would take you back to Azkaban or, at worst, have you executed." The wild strand of hair from Sirius' bun was now hanging into his pale face, moved by the airflow of his fast breath, "If this is the price I have to pay for exercising justice, so be it." Remus' breath faltered and for a second, he felt like paralyzed, but then the essence of the other man's words seemed to cloud his senses. Loudly, he slammed his fist on the coffee table, so hard that the teacups wobbled, and Sirius backed off, startled. "Enough!"

It shocked even himself. Where was Remus Lupin, the calm and collected man, now? But when it came to the Animagus, his logical brain seemed to give out.

How could Sirius say something so frivolously? How could he ever think about sacrificing his life? They fell silent. After a few minutes, Remus' anger was increasingly replaced by sadness. Sadness that Sirius had so little regard for his own life, something that meant the world to the professor. "Please don't say such things so lightly. You deserve freedom," Remus now said in a low, dejected voice, "Merlin, you deserve the whole world and I- I can't afford to lose you. Not again. It would destroy me." Sirius' eyes were big, and his eyebrows twitched with emotion as Remus continued, "I promise you to look after Harry. Peter will not get a chance to get near him. I will shield the children as best I can while confronting him. Who knows, he might even be more willing to talk to me, opening up to me, given our history. Afterwards, I will notify Dumbledore and put an end to this once and for all."

Silence overcame the room again and for a few moments only the crackling of the fire could be heard. Then, Remus moved closer to Sirius, his body acting as if by itself, taking the shorter man into his arms. "After tonight, you will be free." Sirius' body relaxed immediately in his tight grip and the Animagus nestled closer to him. With his mouth so close to Sirius' pulse, Remus realized that his feelings had not changed during the last twelve years. It felt like it did with seventeen years, and like it had later at the tender age of twenty-one. He was overwhelmingly, almost painfully, but without any doubt, unconditionally in love with Sirius Black. Remus loved a man he had not seen in twelve years, a man who had missed most of his, most of their, young adulthood. It was mental and wrong and too fast – or too late – but it felt right.

It felt so very right.

When they both broke off their embrace, now sitting much too close together, Remus saw that Sirius' cheeks were reddened. During their school days, Remus had been the only cause that made Sirius, who was not bothered by anything really, blush, and the lycanthrope secretly wondered whether this was still the case. Without thinking, he stroked Sirius' cheekbones with his fingertips, his eyes not a second averted from those of the Animagus, "Trust me." Sirius' mouth opened and Remus' gaze briefly flickered down to rest on his lips. On those beautiful lips. Would they still feel the same? Taste the same? He could not help but lean in slightly, just testing the waters. Nothing he could not explain platonically, should his friend question it. 

"Remus, I-" Sirius started, his voice just a gentle breeze, but hot and heavy, so perfectly intoxicating, but the man’s words were interrupted by a knock on the office door. Both men rose quickly, checking the door, then Remus turned to look back at his soulmate. _Wait, soulmate?_

"Please, if you trust me, go."

Sirius' eyes were restless, it was more than obvious that he did not approve of being left out. Nevertheless, he exhaled loudly before swiftly leaving Remus' office. When Sirius had gone up the stairs and closed the door to his bedroom, Remus straightened his sweater, collected his emotions, and opened his office door. Harry and Ronald grinned at him, both wearing what looked like homemade sweaters instead of their school uniforms. The similar material of their sweaters, which differed only by the capital letters H and R on their fronts, made the two boys look like siblings. Molly Weasley had certainly knitted the comfortable gowns herself. "Good evening boys," Remus said friendly and stepped aside to let the two in, "Glad you came, please come in." Harry nodded and Ron began to look around the office, not unusual for the boy had never been here before. Each of them held a cage in their left hand and Remus felt a brief moment of relief knowing they had followed his instructions without further ado. Without talking about the matter in Peter’s presence. "Please feel free to sit down on the sofa. May I offer you some tea?"

Without waiting for an answer, Remus started to fill the kettle, his hands a lot more restless than he wanted them to be. _Calm down_. With the two filled teacups in his hands, he sat down in the wing chair opposite his two visitors. Harry had put his larger cage on the floor, yet the white snowy owl in it was resting, sitting calmly on its perch. Ron had his own cage on his lap and when Remus' gaze fell on the rat inside, a shiver ran down his back. Not that he had doubted it, but Peter was easily recognizable even from a distance. How very peculiar. Remus' pulse quickened and he put his wand down on the armrest of the chair, ready to use just in case.

"Surely you have both wondered why I asked you to come here under such unusual circumstances," Remus began, the words not as fluent and well-chosen as usual. All day he had planned to send the boys out of the office under an excuse to be alone with Peter, but now that the time had come, he realized that this plan would most likely not work out. Instead, he would try something else. Peter was trapped in the cage, unable to transform for the time being. Remus would tell the boys the truth, at least as much as they needed to know. Good thing that Sirius was not listening, he would not be happy.

"In fact, I must apologize to both of you, because the circumstance under which I called you here does not correspond to my true intention," Remus folded his hands. "What do you mean, Sir?" Harry asked in surprise, looking from Remus to Ron. "What I mean is that I don't want to show you anything educational tonight but will instead tell you something that very few people know." Ron tilted his head, obviously thinking hard. "But then why did you want us to bring our pets, Professor?" he asked in a doubtful voice. Remus turned his eyes to Peter, who was not moving in his cage, "We'll get to that in a few minutes." He cleared his throat, the tension within him not going away, "What I'm about to tell you in detail concerns mainly your and my past, Harry. It will seem strange to you, you will wonder why I am telling what I am telling you, but I would ask you to listen to me until the end. The matter is very close to my heart."

Both Gryffindors were now officially baffled, although Remus could also see curiosity in their eyes. When neither of them said a word, Remus began to speak. "As you have already discovered through your research, I knew your father, Harry. Not only did I know him, but we had been inseparable during our school days here at Hogwarts. Our group also consisted of two other boys, Peter Pettigrew," Remus paused briefly, "and Sirius Black." Since Ron did not make a particularly shocked grimace, Remus assumed that Harry had told him about their conversation. "We called ourselves the 'Marauders' and truly were the best of friends. Even after Hogwarts, we remained true to each other and kept in close contact. You must know that our youth and young adulthood was marked by many incidents because, as you know from History of Magic, Lord Voldemort had been terrorizing England since the 1970s, recruiting more and more followers to his side. Of course, when we came of age, we too wanted to help, and joined an organization that actively opposed Voldemort while trying to stop his activities. It was a strange time, highly uncertain. You never knew who to confide in and when and where Voldemort would strike next. When your parents had you, Harry, we were all naturally overjoyed and supported Lily and James as much as we could. I knew you before we met on the train to Hogwarts a month ago, held you as a baby and occasionally looked after you to help relieve your parents". Remus’ face felt warm, nostalgic.

Harry blinked, questions over questions in his face. "After your birth, James decided to choose a godfather for you, someone who would also be your legal guardian if anything happened to them. My following words will shock you, but believe me, it is not what it seems. Your godfather was and still is Sirius Black." Harry's eyes widened and Ron held his hand in front of his opening mouth, "Bloody hell, Sirius Black, the mass murderer and currently wanted prisoner is Harry's guardian?"

The black-haired boy looked down as if he was embarrassed by the sudden connection. "Yes, he is," Remus reiterated, "but that's not what I wanted to tell you. Voldemort began to become aware of your parents and you after a while, Harry, and the two of them had to hide. Our organization did its utmost to ensure that the Potters' hiding place remained secret and that no one knew their exact whereabouts. Do you know what the Fidelius Charm is?" Ron nodded, "My dad told me about it once. It's a kind of unbreakable protection spell." Remus looked from the red-haired boy's face to Peter, who had now retreated to the back corner of the cage. Apparently, the Animagus already suspected that Remus wanted to address the fateful Halloween night. "Exactly! The Fidelius Charm is an extremely difficult, multifaceted and potent charm that can be used to conceal a secret inside an individual's soul. The witch or wizard who houses the secret is known as the Secret Keeper. This secret can then not be revealed to anyone unless the keeper gives it away voluntarily. Since I was very busy with missions for the organization at that time, and Sirius Black would have been too obvious as James' best friend, your parents decided to choose our fourth friend, Peter Pettigrew. He was assigned the task of Secret Keeper."

Ron started scratching his chin, "I knew the name sounded familiar somehow. Now it comes back to me. Peter Pettigrew was one of Black's victims, at least that's what Hermione said a few days ago, I think." Remus' fingers clawed into the armrest. It was almost unreal how much this false narrative repelled him now, even though he himself had believed in it not even two days ago. "Unfortunately, your parents put their faith in the wrong man, Harry, because Peter Pettigrew apparently betrayed James and Lily to the Dark Lord."

Remus sighed, "It's hard to believe, but Peter made the world think that Sirius Black was the Potters' Secret Keeper, betrayed them, and then killed the last man in league with a few innocent Muggles. But this story is a lie. Sirius Black never killed anyone." Ron and Harry looked as if they had been slapped. "But, Sir, Black was in Azkaban, should still be, theoretically. He committed the murders," Harry said perplexed and Ron nodded strongly. "Besides, there is a lot of evidence, reports from Muggles, and also a newspaper article about how Mr. Black killed his victims. You can check it out yourself, Hermione has-" Ron's voice broke off as Harry's snowy owl flapped its wings wildly. The two boys turned and looked over the back of the couch behind them. "Cool! Why didn't you tell us you had a pet too, professor?" _What pet? Oh no!_

Remus would have loved to scream but bit his tongue. Teaching experience helped with that.

_Sirius Orion Black, I am going to kill you!_

"Yes, that's my dog, Padfoot. He's not very well-behaved, doesn't listen well to what I'm saying, quite disobedient really, and that's why I rarely let him into my office," said Remus with special emphasis on _disobedient_. As Sirius ran around the couch wagging his tail and lay down in front of the fireplace, his eyes always on the small cage in Ron's lap, Peter suddenly started to squeal loudly. Ron raised the cage to his eyelevel, smiling, "What's the matter with you? Scabbers you coward, are you afraid of a dog?" Harry also smiled and Remus hated that he was about to drop a bombshell. "Unfortunately, what I say is true, even though I only realized it myself two days ago. Sirius Black is innocent, and I would like to prove that to you now." The boys looked at each other and Remus feared they thought he had lost his mind.

"Would you please give me your rat for a minute, Ron?" Remus' voice was almost too friendly, bright like the voice of an ice-cream vendor in a British suburb. Almost creepy. "What do you need Scabbers for?" Ron asked perplexed, "You still haven't told us why we should bring Hedwig and Scabbers." Remus leaned forward in his armchair, "I will show you now." Skeptically, Ron gave him the cage with the rat, always in eye contact with Harry, and when Remus' fingertips touched the cold metal, Padfoot rose up. He probably could not stand the tension either. "You know, boys, normal black rats do not get older than four years at the most, even with very good care. How long have you had your rat, Ronald?" The boy reflected, burying his hands in the fabric of his jeans, "I've only had Scabbers for three years, but before that, he was Percy's pet for many years." Remus turned the cage in his hand while Peter ran around wildly. "Don't you think it's strange that he survived for so long?" Remus asked drier than he wished to make his voice sound. "We just took good care of him," Ron replied and Harry nodded. "The Weasley family is very good at pimping up creatures, Sir." "I'm sure they are," said Remus with a smile, "but even with the best of care, this rat has lived far too long. There's a reason for that. In this cage there is no ordinary rat, but a wizard disguised as an animal."

Ron laughed out loud and reached for the cage, but Remus pulled it out of the way, "You can't be serious! With all due respect Sir, are you okay?" Remus ignored his words, "I assume you know what an Animagus is?" Ron jumped to his feet, "I think I've heard enough today, let's go, Harry," but the boy next to him pulled him back down onto the sofa. "Wait, Ron!" He turned back to Remus, "Professor McGonagall is an Animagus, a shape-shifter, why?" Harry said softly.

Remus slowly opened the cage, very careful not to let Peter escape, "Because this rat here is an Animagus. Scabbers is Peter Pettigrew in his animal form." Before the boys could verbalize their shock and Ron could make further protest, Remus grabbed the rat by its back and pulled it out of the cage. Peter fought back strongly but had no chance against the professor's firm grip. With his other hand, Remus waved his wand and a blue flash lit up the room. Thank Merlin, they had taught themselves how to externally return Animagi to their original form. The rat fell to the ground and transformed instantly. Sirius, still in dog form, hurried to the sofa and positioned himself between Peter and the children, who were too shocked to notice him. At first, the rat only grew larger, then a human head appeared, followed by limbs. After a few seconds, Peter Pettigrew stood in the room. The werewolf could feel his own pulse pounding at the side of his neck. _Finally_. If it had not been for his small round eyes and snubby nose, Remus would hardly have recognized him, and the fact that the man was covered by a thick layer of dust did not help. Apparently, it had been a while since he had last taken his human form. His gestures also indicated this. The stout man stood bent over, his narrowed eyes starring around the room, apparently perceiving the light more intensely as a human being.

Remus eyed him from head to toe, but when Peter desperately glanced at the office door, the werewolf blocked it with a quick charm. _You won't escape, not this time_. Ron and Harry had huddled together on the couch, both with an unutterably white face. The snowy owl also seemed upset because she loudly nibbled at the metal padlock, which did not allow her to leave the cage.

When he looked at Peter again, Remus was overwhelmed by many emotions.

Disbelief, sadness, curiosity, but most of all deep anger. But since he did not want to scare the children any more, the professor swallowed the burning rage in his throat and instead started to sneer, "Hello Peter, it's been a while." The smaller man avoided Remus' eyes, making it more than obvious that he was very scared. "R-Remus?" he stuttered and suddenly seemed to find the fabric of his old sweater more than interesting, "It's a surprise to, uh, see you here." His voice still sounded exactly the same as before, soft and as if he could not hurt a fly. "Believe me, the surprise is all mine," Remus spat in a tone that he himself found unsympathetic. Peter slowly brushed through the thinning hair at his temples, his face painfully distorted. Then, the shabby-looking wizard turned to the sofa, "Look! The boy is the spitting image of James, don't you-" But before he could finish the sentence, Sirius jumped at him, barking with bared teeth. Peter winced and held his hands in front of his frightened face. "The boy does not concern you now, Peter," Remus said slowly and clearly, his wand pointed at his counterpart. With a forceful hand gesture, he ordered Sirius to stay down. "Because of our past, I'm going to give you a chance to explain yourself before I take appropriate action. You owe it to both of us!" Peter stammered something inaudible, whimpered slightly as he looked Remus in the eye for the first time. Had the circumstances not been so terrible, Remus would have been happy to see his old friend again. Peter's eyes were as friendly as they were before, all the more harmless by virtue of his chubby face.

The lower jaw of the dark blond man began to tremble, "Please Remus, you can't do this! When they find out what I am and what I have done, they will take me to Azkaban. To this terrible place!" _He should not have said that. He should not have mentioned Azkaban._

Remus knew that Peter would trigger something in Sirius with these words; something that was beyond his control. He was not wrong. A few seconds later, the dog also took on his human form, rearing up bloodthirstily before Peter. Ron let out an unintended little shriek and Harry looked like he was about to throw up.

"Say that again, I dare you!" Sirius growled with such a hateful voice that Remus needed to take a breath. Peter backed away but did not want to get too close to Remus either. He stumbled, "Sirius, I-, you don't understand." Snippets of words were all Peter was still able to produce. Sirius laughed out loud and for the first time, Remus became fully aware that his friend was not okay. Sirius' laughter was manic, almost like from the thrillers his mother used to watch on TV. It resembled the scripted cinematic laughter of actors whose characters had lost everything and were now fleeing from the police. As if the last remnant of sanity had just left the man. "Believe me, I am very well informed. You know what's funny?" Sirius' face suddenly became deadly earnest, a shadow hovering under his eyes that scared Remus. "You're so afraid of a place you've never visited before. I don't know if you remember, or if you have acquired the mental capacity of a rat by now, but I was there all those years because of you." When Peter just looked down, his hands crossed in a defensive posture in front of his body, Sirius became even angrier.

Remus knew that he would have to intervene soon if he did not want Sirius to do something he would regret later. "I see, why should that matter, right? It only lasted twelve years, and as son of the Blacks I deserved more than that anyway, correct?" Sirius joked mockingly and shook his head laughing. "FUCKING LOOK AT ME!" Everyone in the room flinched at his scream, even Remus himself, who could not bear to hear such pure despair in the voice of the Animagus. Peter sank to his knees, finally looking at Sirius.

"I didn't want this. I really did not mean to do this. The Dark Lord had such incredible power, I was terrified." Peter braced himself with both hands on the wooden floor, "I never thought he would try to kill Lily and James." Sirius' right hand was now clenched in a fist and Remus could have sworn that the man was about to attack Peter. "So, you betrayed my parents to Voldemort?" Harry suddenly spoke up, "You're the reason they're dead?" The question came out of the blue, Remus did not even think the two teenagers would interfere, but Harry seemed to have true Gryffindor courage, daring to confront the man in front of him. "It was my fault, yes, but please, I didn't know the Dark Lord was going to kill them." Sirius snorted, "Don't kid yourself, Peter! What did you expect? That he was gonna pay them a visit and bring them some cake? No, you knew what he was planning to do, and you let him do it anyway. Afterwards, you chickened out and made me pay for all your mistakes." He looked down at the wretched man on the ground, "Merlin, you have no right to sit here and cry about being afraid of Azkaban or not intending your actions when Harry, Remus and I are present. We have lost everything because of you! Why did you do it you coward?"

Tears were running down Peter's dirty cheeks now and Remus could see how Sirius rolled his eyes. "I felt so alone, so left out. James was married to Lily and they had a child, you both had an apartment together and I, well, I had no one else. When Crouch and Mulciber payed attention to me and later recruited me, I felt truly needed for the first time in years, properly understood. It felt so good to finally belong to a group again." The stout man avoided Sirius’ cold eyes. "But we were a group," Remus interfered, "until the end we were a group and everyone in the order could have confirmed that you were an equal member of it." Peter nodded, turning around slightly to speak to Remus, "Maybe, but you were all so much closer to each other, so much more closely connected than I was. If you look back, I was always the loner in our group, always the one who was entrusted with things last and who had to go home alone after feasts. I was expendable."

Sirius' eyebrow twitched, his own gaze now turned downwards, "So you're telling me that you had my best friend and his wife killed, knowing that their baby son would be murdered as well, condemned Remus to a life of poverty, separated us, and not only made me look like an insane mass murderer, but also locked me away for a life in hell on earth because you were jealous?" Sirius' hand ran through his hair and, with a skillful gesture, released the wand from the black strands that promptly fell over his shoulders. "Maybe it was too bona fide of me to even talk to you. Instead, I should rather commit the murder I was imprisoned for!" Sirius raised his wand and lunged at Peter, who panickily put his hands over his head, but Remus leapt forward, holding Sirius back. "Sirius, no, don't! He's not worth it." When the man’s hand touched Remus' forearm, he realized how cold Sirius’ skin was.

Apparently, the whole situation affected him more than he let on.

The Animagus resisted Remus' grip, tried to free himself, but quickly seemed to realize that there was no point. After a few minutes, he exhaled in defeat, closing his eyes. His voice was now low and calm. "You cannot even begin to understand what you have taken from us, Peter. I have gone through enough trauma to last ten lifetimes and have missed my godson's entire childhood. I lost my best friend, my brother, that night and with him a piece of my heart that shattered forever. As much as I hate admitting this in front of Harry, there is not a fucking day that goes by without me having at least one panic attack or mental breakdown. So please, spare us the pitiful words about your loneliness."

The room fell silent. No one said a word anymore, and although Remus knew that he no longer needed to hold Sirius back, his hands were wrapped all the tighter around the man's body. He felt like crying.

Outside, a storm had evidently been gathering, for a soft thunder could be heard through the closed windows. Suddenly, Peter began to speak with his head lowered, "I am so sorry, I am so unspeakably sorry for what I have done. Even if you won't believe me, I never wanted James and Lily to be harmed and after they were killed, fear brought me to my knees. I was afraid of-," he inhaled as if he needed to regain courage, "Voldemort's anger, afraid of losing my group again. I felt so guilty, because believe it or not, James meant a lot to me too. Fear makes you do terrible things, makes you take the most despicable paths. I just didn't know how to help myself other than to flee and when you confronted me, Sirius, I panicked. I knew that when you stopped me in London, I had the chance to choose between Azkaban or my own death, but I just couldn't let go. I guess in the end it was my destiny as the greatest coward the world has ever seen to escape. After your imprisonment, I felt terrible, believe me, even I have a conscience. My rat-like figure made many things bearable, made me forget what I had done, and as more and more time passed, it became easier to block out my atrocities. I do not deserve your forgiveness, Sirius," he turned to Harry, "nor yours either, my boy, but I just wanted to let you know that I am so sorry. If I could go back, could choose a different path, I would."

Remus' mouth was dry. Peter's confession had brought him back to the painful past. Sirius did not seem to be well either since he clung to Remus, leaned into him heavily. As much as Remus would have liked to remain silent and let the painful moment pass in the arms of Sirius, it was once again time to be the adult. After the words of the Animagus at their feet were spoken, it was now time for action, "I think we should inform Dumbledore. I know I've already asked more than enough of you tonight, but would you be so kind as to get the headmaster, Ronald?" The redheaded boy looked up, his face still in shock, but then he nodded slowly. After a brief eye contact with Harry, Ronald hurriedly left Remus' office after the professor unlocked the door. Remus still held his wand pointed at Peter, but the latter only began to smile tiredly, his plump fingers wiping tears from his cheeks, "Don't worry, I won't run away, not this time." Sirius had detached himself from Remus and sat down on the couch next to Harry, burying his face in his hands. Remus knew that he was holding himself back in front of Harry and probably just devoted all his energy to not being overwhelmed by past and present feelings.

Harry's eyes were fixed on Peter after he had turned them away from Sirius, "I can't say it doesn't matter what you did, because it does. You must know that I grew up without a real family and that I have always longed for one. So many things would have been easier and better if my parents were still alive." The boy paused and Remus could clearly see how Sirius' facade began to crumble under the words of his brave godson. "I also would have liked to know that I have a godfather, family beyond my parents, a connection to the magical world. I guess growing up with Muggles did work but wasn't ideal. My aunt and uncle aren’t the nicest people, you know. Time cannot be turned back, but for me, friendship is the most important thing in my life, and I can only feel sorry for someone who is willing to betray his friends out of fear. You are probably not a bad person, but I cannot approve of your willingness to betray your best friends to get the recognition of others. Besides, you have killed innocent people and that is not excusable. Your life isn’t more valuable just because you are a wizard.”

Peter said nothing more and Remus wondered if Harry's wise and emotional words, which by the way impressed the professor greatly, reminded him of James. Even if he regretted his actions, Peter would have plenty of time to reflect on his mistakes in Azkaban. Remus was sure that Sirius would not be able to forgive the other Animagus. As much as he wanted to, he himself could not accept Peter's apology either. Some things were simply not forgivable by either words or deeds. Too much had happened between them. "Truthful words, Harry," said Remus and went around the sofa to put his hand on the boy's shoulder, "your parents would be especially proud of you today." Sirius straightened up, brushing his hair away from his face, his eyes glassy. There was a smile on the man's face, "You are just as brave as James." Sirius touched the corner of his eye to stop his tears, "It's more than a pity we had to meet like this, but still, I'm so glad to see you at last. I hope I haven't frightened you too much."

Harry showed a broad smile, as if someone had just complimented him in the most beautiful way, "You didn't scare me, don't worry." Remus knew from Harry's previous looks that this was a lie, but the moment of reunion between the two of them was so pure, so healing, that he did not mind. It was almost as if a dream had come true. "It's pretty cool that you're an Animagus too, Mr. Black," Harry said, impressed. _The boy was so well behaved, so polite. Just like Lily._ Sirius shook his head with a smile, "Please, call me 'Sirius', ‘Mr. Black’ is full of bad memories." He leaned closer to Harry, whispering to him, "Also, don't tell a soul, or anyone soulless for that matter, I'm unregistered." Harry gestured that his lips were sealed, whereupon Sirius winked at him and Remus almost forgot that Peter was still in the room.

After a few minutes, Ronald returned to his office in the company of Dumbledore and judging by the look on the headmaster's face, the boy had already told him what the spontaneous evening meeting was all about. Snape had also come along, now standing in the doorway with his wand out, his face a few shades paler than usual, if that was at all possible. When he saw Harry and Sirius on the sofa, his facial features derailed him, surely this very image must have reminded him strongly of James. "Mr. Black, Mr. Pettigrew, I confess I did not expect to see you both today," Dumbledore began slowly and thoughtfully as he approached Peter. "Believe me Professor, I am more than glad that you do," Sirius replied and turned to the door.

Snape still looked as if he had seen a banshee, his eyes looking at Sirius, staring at his old rival. "What a strange coincidence," he muttered, silently but loud enough for the room to hear. "Hello Snive-" Sirius began with a sober tone, but a brief eye contact with Remus was enough to make him rebuke, "Hello Severus!" Dumbledore looked sharply into Peter's eyes, but the Animagus could not withstand the wizard's gaze for long, "Gentlemen, I suggest we move further discussions to my office, the Minister for Magic is already on his way. Mr. Pettigrew, I take it that you will accompany us without resistance?" Peter just nodded. When Snape had turned around in a sweeping gesture, leaving the front of the office, Ron nudged Harry to the side, "Did you see the look on Snape's face? The good guy has never been so shocked, hilarious!" Both boys grinned and before Sirius headed for the exit, Remus saw him turning back to Ron, "I apologize for the shock I have caused you. And as for your rat, I'll buy you a new pet as compensation," he smiled sheepishly, "a real one this time." Ron's face began to light up, apparently, he had already recovered well from the confusing situation on the way to Dumbledore. "Thank you, Sir, but I think I can live without a pet for a while."

Remus chuckled, then asked both boys out of his office with a hand gesture. "We can't thank you both enough and I must apologize to you too. It had never been my intention to maliciously deceive you, but we desperately needed your rat, Ron, to efficiently catch Peter. It was an emotional situation for all of us." Luckily, neither of the Gryffindors appeared to be angry with him because they both smiled. "Now we definitely have one hell of a story to tell," Harry said while Remus closed the office door from the outside with a quick wave of his wand.

_You do! Rightly so. Because you lived and we survived.  
_


	17. Won't Let You Go Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short but no less emotional. If you are still a minor, you have been warned. Enjoy! <3

***

It was just before midnight when both men came back to Remus' office. Cornelius Fudge had come all the way from London by floo powder, accompanied by some other ministry officials, to assess the situation, listen to their statements and then take Peter with him. The official hearing for Sirius and Peter was scheduled for the following days, maybe weeks, and he had been offered a room at the Leaky Cauldron. The man had declined, however, because he preferred to stay at Hogwarts, which made Remus secretly happy. Of course, he would have to keep a low profile until the hearing, because the students and the press did not know of his innocence yet. Despite the nerve-racking last hours and all the emotional ballast that had been rekindled by the reunion with Peter, Remus felt a real glimmer of hope inside himself for the first time in years and the look on Sirius' face told him that the Animagus felt the same way.

_Now there was only one hurdle left to overcome_.

Sirius let himself fall face first onto the sofa, emitting a relieved groan, "What an evening! I have the feeling that I have lived through twelve years in just a few hours." Remus nodded lovingly and began to reach into his storage cupboard, "Naturally, I think we need something stronger than tea today." With the opened bottle of whiskey and two glasses in his hand, he joined Sirius by the fireplace. "Yes, please!" the man murmured into one of the cushions, "When I saw Harry today, my heart almost stopped, the boy is just such a sweetheart. My poor old heart cannot take it!"

Remus placed the fancy glass bottle silently on the coffee table, "Which reminds me! Actually, I shouldn't give you any of the whiskey, you completely ignored my words. Sirius, so much could have happened!" His reprimand was rather joking, but still the situation could have turned out differently and the werewolf was fully aware of that. "I know, but I just couldn't stay outside. It would have killed me," Sirius said apologetically, clasping his hands together, "You know me, Remus!" _I do, I should have locked you in our bedroom. Our bedroom?_

Sirius turned, his back now lying on the sofa, "I just can't believe that Peter is dealt with. It all feels so overwhelming." He stared at the ceiling, "So many years I've waited for this moment and now that it has passed, I still don't know what to do next." Remus swallowed, uncertainty rising within him. "What do you mean?" Sirius turned to him, the reflection of the fire like sparks in his grey eyes, "Harry already has a home amongst his relatives and you have a wonderful job. I don't think I want to tear you away from your past lives by my presence." Remus laughed out loud, genuinely amused, "Harry lives with his Muggle relatives, people with whom he doesn't really get along and who, by his own words, don't treat him well either, and I, I will only be able to have this job here for a year anyway, as much as I've grown fond of it. After that, it's a life of uncertainty for me again." He sat down on the couch next to Sirius, grinning, "So please, by all means, tear me away." Sirius sat up to give Remus more room on the sofa, "Do you say that to every high-security prisoner you hide in your quarters?" Remus gave him one of the filled whiskey glasses, "Absolutely! Haven't you seen the other five in the bathroom yet?" The Animagus laughed and Remus hoped that he would hear this sound every day from now on. It was pure balm for his soul.

"Let us toast to the future," Sirius suggested, raising his glass, "to better times!" Their glasses clashed with a ring and Remus repeated the toast. _With you by my side, the future can only get better_. After taking a sip from his glass, Sirius grimaced, "I'm sure this is a good whiskey, but I have to get used to it first. I can't believe I haven't had a drink in so long." Remus smiled, "And I can't believe that the last time I toasted to the future it was in the company of Snape." Sirius choked on the second sip of whiskey he had just taken, then laughed, "Excuse me? Are you serious?" _No, you are Sirius._

Remus nodded embarrassed, that must have sounded really funny. "A few weeks ago, Severus had forgotten to bring me the Wolfsbane potion and when I went to pick it up from his office, the pain prior to the transformation almost knocked me out. He gave me a painkiller." Remus hesitated, but then figured that he did not need to keep any secrets from Sirius. "More precisely, it was a little more than that, powdered nightshade roots to be brutally honest, and we toasted to a bleak future." Sirius raised an eyebrow. "How the tables have turned!" he replied with a playfully shocked face." While I led an almost monastic life in Azkaban, you got high with Snive? You bad boy!" But then his face became more sober, his voice worried, "All jokes aside, are you okay? PNR is not a drug you take lightly." Remus nodded, he knew what Sirius meant, "I'm fine, yes. Luckily, Snape calculated the intake perfectly and paid a lot of attention to the quality of the product, so now I have no desire for it. I think the uncertainty of your escape had me pretty upset, but that's all in the past now." Sirius stroked the back of Remus' hand with his fingertips, "I'm glad you're okay. And I'm so unbelievably sorry for making you feel that way."

The werewolf shook his head, "There is nothing to apologize for. You are innocent and always have been." Sirius laid his head on Remus' shoulder, still as physical and clingy as ever. Remus snuggled his chin into the fragrant black curls. "At least Snapey didn't make a move on you," Sirius said and stroked the dark fabric of his pants, "The loser doesn't deserve you."

Remus made a face, "Please, never use the two phrases together in one sentence again. Even I have my standards and Snape is as straight as an arrow." Why was it so important to Sirius that nothing had happened between Snape and him? Remus could not interpret it exactly and did not want to indulge in wishful thinking. He was all logic and feigned cool detachment until Sirius spoke, until the man touched his skin. Whenever that happened, something not only stirred in him but took over his thinking. Annoying and yet very telling. He was so very much in love. "Do I still meet your standards?" Sirius suddenly asked, his head raised from Remus' shoulder to look him in the eye. Remus' heart stopped for a moment and he had to swallow to wet his throat. Had Sirius really just asked that? Shakily, he sucked in the air, drowning in the never-ending depths of Sirius' eyes. His eyes were candles in the night, their light a spark of passion, of desire. As a small but teasing smile crept upon his face, goosebumps lined Remus’ skin, not the kind that one gets in the cold, but the kind one gets when nothing else mattered except right here, right now. Slowly, he stroked a strand of hair from his friend's face, his fingertips tingly as he touched him. For him, Sirius was more beautiful than the winter sun above pristine snow, warmer than spring sunshine on soft new grass and more mesmerizing than the fall leaves.

However, Remus' attraction to him was not just because he was handsome, though he was more than handsome, it was to his soul, to the wonderful person he was inside. Twelve years of longing had more than confirmed this. The professor caressed Sirius' cheek, then placed his fingers under his chin.

"No," Remus whispered softly, his breathing hot against Sirius' skin, his heartbeat furious, "you _are_ my standards."

Without hesitation, they both slowly moved in. Their lips finally united together, his plump, velvety lips compelling against Remus’ slimmer, warm ones, dancing around and soon bonding together. Epiphany and elation percolated into his veins and soon the entire system as he continued to press his lips more impenetrably and rougher onto Sirius’. The Animagus’ insistent mouth was parting Remus’ trembling lips, sending wild tremors along his nerves, inflicting sensations he had never known he was capable of feeling anymore. He was beyond happy that Sirius kissed him back, that he made the right call, the kiss getting deeper, deeper than all the galaxies in the universe. It felt like it did twelve years ago, if not even better, and Remus desperately pulled Sirius in his lap.

With a soft sound coming from his mouth, Sirius straddled his hips, their lips imprinting on themselves like a footprint in the snow, forging a sense of roguery and mostly nostalgia. It was magical how their lips fitted perfectly - as if they were meant for each other. Moving against each other, feeling each other. They were. Remus grabbed the back of Sirius’ neck, buried his fingers in the black curls, growling in the kiss as his lover whimpered in pleasure. No one had ever kissed him like this. No one else could make him feel this powerful, this loved. But who was he kidding? It had always only been Sirius who could trigger all this within him. In his youth, Remus had often wondered what stories meant by ‘melting in a kiss’, now he fully understood. It was like opening up your soul, tasting, feeling and seeing every color of the world that had been in shades of grey for years. Remus blocked out everything around him, the sounds of the fire, the rain, the tiredness in his bones after the draining reunion with Peter. It was as if nothing else mattered but Sirius. Kissing Sirius had always felt great but now, after all this time, Remus could not put his feelings into words. There simply was not any figure of speech invented to describe the glowing sensation. Their kiss had begun so gently, had been so tender, but now it was getting more and more messy as the tingling sensation under Remus' skin was getting stronger.

When Sirius pushed his hips forward to close the last inch between their bodies, Remus broke their kiss and nibbled on Sirius' neck. The Animagus' pulse raced like crazy, Remus could feel every single heartbeat under his lips and followed it with his tongue. Everything about the man in his lap was breathtaking. Sirius was his real drug; unlike anything he had ever consumed. He needed neither alcohol nor powdered nightshade roots as long as he had Sirius, because no delirium, numbness or euphoria felt as good as his skin on Sirius'. One touch, and the intoxication was instant. His scent alone sent him into a heady trance, one that did not end until their bodies were united again, warm and as close as two souls could be.

"I missed you so much," Sirius breathed into his ear as he gently moved his hips back and forth. Fuck, it felt good. Remus wiped his thumb across the cheek of the Animagus, across the spot that glistened wet in the light of the fireplace, "I will never let you go again. I promise." Both locked eyes for just a moment, just enough for Sirius to understand that he was safe with Remus. That he meant what he said moments ago. With these words he lifted Sirius into the air, carrying him up the stairs to his private quarters.

Both men knew what followed and both wanted nothing more. Remus felt as if his insides were about to explode with joy, with certainty, but also with rough, excruciating lust.

Their bodies fit together as if they were made just for this, to fall into one another, to feel this natural rhythm. The sight of Sirius, sprawled out underneath him, back deliciously arched and cheeks flushed in a soft shade of red with his dark hair in swirls on the grey sheets was all Remus needed in his life. To be honest, he would not mind if he never saw or felt anything else again. It felt so good, even better than he remembered it. Their clothes lay around the bed, carelessly scattered, some of them even on the stairs to his office and Remus was glad that he had locked the door properly this time. They could not wait, could no longer deny their mutual lust - this sweet torture that numbed all of his logical thinking. 

Every thrust was like entering paradise, a sweet delirium without limits. He felt electricity in his skin, hormones shutting down his higher brain, allowing the rise of his animal self. The sounds Sirius made were too much, too good. The man moaned so beautifully, as dirty as ever, Remus’ brain unable to process the pleasure so fast. How cruel that they had been rubbed of this sensation for all these years because now, the werewolf felt all the more desperate and shameless and like he may never get enough. Remus slowed himself down, did not want their connection to end just now, holding himself up on all fours, fingers threading through the silky ends of Sirius’ hair, licking into his mouth, tasting Whiskey and arousal and newfound freedom. He could feel his arms start giving out on him, eased onto his elbows, his nose brushing the Animagus’ – the man a blur of black and grey in Remus’ vision. It was perfection and even though he was sure his voice would break, Remus took a deep breath. He just needed to tell him. He needed to say what his heart wanted to shout from the Astronomy tower. Over and over again until his voice would eventually give out.

“I love you.”


	18. A Life Worth Living

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for enjoying this, for coming back to the story and leaving comments and Kudos. It's your love, your feedback, that keeps me going. Not just on here. <3

***

The professor felt as if hours had already passed and yet he had only been sitting on the sofa in front of the fireplace for thirty minutes. He had consciously decided against waiting in the headmasters' office, felt even more restless, even more agitated in Dumbledore's space. The steady ticking of the old grandfather clock, a sound he hardly noticed otherwise, made it even harder for him to distract himself. He had not been able to read a single page in the book opened in front of him. His thoughts simply could not focus on the words, something he never had to worry about normally. "Five more minutes," Harry, who was sitting on the other side of the couch, noted in a tense voice. The boy was still wearing his Quidditch uniform, bobbing his leg up and down excitedly, the teacup in front of him untouched. Remus had almost forgotten that he was in the room, too. And yet, the Gryffindor had come to Remus' office immediately after his training, without wasting any time, without even changing his clothes.

For the past three hours, Sirius' hearing at the Ministry of Magic had been a judicial act that neither Harry nor Remus was allowed to attend. The professor was annoyed by this bureaucratic arrangement, he would have loved to stand beside Sirius and hear the new verdict first-hand. He sighted, there was no reason to get upset, because not only had Peter given a detailed confession last week, but he had also pleaded guilty; the outcome of the verdict seemed clear.

Nevertheless, Remus was displeased that Sirius had to return to the place of his conviction twelve years ago, all alone and without moral support. Harry's nervous leg bumped against the coffee table and Remus slowly looked up. The boy looked out of the window, presumably to distract himself. Sirius had spent the past week getting to know Harry better. The two of them had talked a lot after Harry's school days were over, sometimes privately and sometimes in the company of Remus; laughed, cried, learning a lot about each other and their pasts. Harry had revealed to them that now that Sirius was back, he would never want to return to the Dursleys, but rather, after Sirius' official acquittal, wanted to spend the next official vacations with them. Where exactly, Remus did not know yet. After all, it would only be revealed today how things would proceed in the future. Nevertheless, the boy got along very well with Sirius, it was almost as if the two had known each other forever. In his heart, Remus was secretly delighted that Harry more than accepted Sirius and already seemed to see a confidant in him.

He deserved to finally have a real caregiver. Sirius was not perfect, God knows he had enough emotional difficulties of his own, but this seemed negligible in view of a shared future. In prior agreement and careful consideration of consequences, the two men had eventually decided to tell Harry about Remus' lycanthropy, to which the boy had reacted in a similar way as James once had. He did not care what Remus was and that he would be a threat without the Wolfsbane potion but felt sorry for his mentor. Harry was more than shocked by the great injustice towards werewolves, his sense of righteousness and kindness being just as strong as that of his mother.

Remus was sure that Harry, despite his young age, would take his condition seriously, keeping it to himself, but that it would also not deter the boy. Despite the unpleasant childhood with his relatives, Harry thankfully still had a good heart and an open mind. "Do you think they finished in time?" the Gryffindor suddenly asked, his eyes still fixed on the departing birds across the firmament outside the window. "I do hope so," Remus replied chuckling, trying to cover up his own insecurity. In spite of their quick familiarization, the two had not yet told Harry about their revived relationship. To be so close and intimate with Sirius again, faster than expected, if Remus had to admit it, was still like a dream for him. Still, he did not feel that he had rushed into something. If anything, enough time had certainly been wasted without each other.

Being in a relationship again made many things easier and saved them from further awkward interactions that were riddled with metaphors and hints. Remus was tired of interpreting what Sirius might mean, secretly wishing that it was what he thought himself. He was no longer seventeen. Now he knew that Sirius wanted the same thing, that he, too, longed for Remus more than just a little and that their friendship did not get destroyed but rather deepened when being upgraded to a partnership. Both of their feelings for each other had not changed a bit – true love could not be destroyed by outer forces.

Just as Harry inhaled again, probably to say something else, the office door suddenly swung open. Remus and Harry promptly stood up, both full of expectations and joy. Sirius stood in the doorway for a moment, looking over at them. The black pinstriped suit, a courtesy of Dumbledore, which he had provided before the hearing, flatteringly emphasized his slender figure.

Then he ran up towards the two of them, hugging them closely. Remus was pressed against Harry by Sirius' firm grip, and although he would have found this slightly odd under normal circumstances, after all they were teacher and student, he embraced the boy as well. " They dropped all charges against me," Sirius said, relieved, his voice overjoyed and ecstatic. "The trial has been declared closed today." Harry cheered and Remus pulled Sirius closer, hiding his smile in the Animagus' hair. At last, the Ministry made the right call.

"Tell us everything!" After the three had parted again and Remus made some tea for his beloved, Sirius began to enlighten them. "You can't imagine how nervous I was before the hearing started and the press didn't make it any better," he said, magically stirring some milk into his tea, "Fudge was quite eager to get the agenda items over with quickly. I suspect the whole mystery of how I escaped still bothers him. As I said, all legal charges against me from twelve years ago have been dropped. They continued by documenting in detail how the incident really happened back then." Sirius circled the edge of his teacup with a finger, "Luckily, however, by memory extraction, so I didn't have to re-tell everything all over again. Afterwards, the Wizengamot announced its decisions and explained what they agreed on. Since I am the last living heir of the Black family after my mother's death, her house in Grimmauld place falls to me. Truly an ironic twist of fate, if you ask me."

Remus gave Sirius' hand a reassuring squeeze, knowing how he must feel. "What is much better, however, is the fact that I received compensation because of my false imprisonment in such an inhumane place." Sirius grinned slightly, "100,000 galleons, to be precise." Remus' eyes widened and Harry seemed to be speechless as well. The lycanthrope could not remember any instance, any case, of the Ministry being that perceptive. But at the same time, he also knew no one who had been injustly locked away during the best years of anyone's life. Publicity sometimes had its merits. 

"Holy fucking shit!" the boy exclaimed, clasping his hands above his head. "Language, kiddo!" Sirius admonished him, laughingly and nodding, "But yes, I thought so too. That's a nice amount of money and definitely enough to start anew." Harry made a tensed face and then looked from Remus to Sirius, "Unbelievable, isn't that almost 500,000 British pounds in Muggle currency?" Sirius smilingly raised his hands to his chest in a defensive stance, " Don't ask me that, I have never actually held a single Muggle bill in my hand. Well, maybe I have, but it's been years." Remus jokingly rolled his eyes, amused that Sirius, otherwise always so rebellious against his pureblood origins, was the only one of them who had never come into contact with Muggle money. "Yes Harry, that's about 498,000 pounds sterling," he said approvingly.

Sirius sighed, "It must have been good for something that I spent all those years in fucking Azkaban." Remus poked him in the side, "Hey, language! You just said it yourself a minute ago." Harry started laughing and Sirius winked at his godson before looking the professor in the eye, "Busted! You got me on that one, Remus." He shook his head, charmed as usual, almost leaning in to give Sirius a quick kiss, but he was well aware that it was inappropriate in front of Harry.

"I also received something else," said Sirius, looking away from Remus' eyes at last, "Free therapy sessions at St Mungo's. Whether this is a reason to be happy or not remains to be seen, but I think everyone would agree with me when I say I can use them very well and will be attending them despite my ego." Remus nodded, pleased to see that Sirius was willing to seek professional psychological help. As enjoyable as the previous week together had been, it had become more than clear to both of them that Remus' support was unfortunately not enough to stop Sirius' episodes. Every other night was a challenge, because the Animagus suffered from such bad nightmares and visions that Remus was getting used to getting up and calming him down by now. The werewolf hated the feeling of not being able to do much for his beloved, of having to watch how he suffered, but Sirius assured him more than once that his presence, his love, already made a big difference. Remus knew the feeling, experienced it exactly the other way around with his lycanthropy.

"Let’s pretend they know what they have gotten themselves into with this offering," said Sirius, shrugging and leaning back on the sofa, "I hope I don't scare the poor therapists into quitting their jobs. Oh boy, what a challenge." Remus rubbed his back; _You won’t, you will be fine._

"Anyway, it's nice that we don't have to worry about money anymore," Sirius continued, drinking the last sip from his teacup, "And of course I'm still your legal guardian, Harry, which is why you can move away from your uncle and aunt if you want to. Tomorrow, I'll arrange for someone to clear out Grimmauld place. We'll renovate it, sell everything inside because I don't think I want to see anything in there ever again. If we then start to redecorate it piece by piece starting next week, it should be more than homely by the next vacations." The boy's leg started twitching again nervously, bumping up and down faster. "Do you think I could already move in with you permanently starting this autumn break?" Harry's eyes shone so brightly, so joyful, that Remus felt a rush of happiness overcoming him.

_That's how it should have been from the start, right after Lily and James' death._

"Of course," Sirius answered enthusiastically, "you can even choose a room. The house is certainly more than big enough for all of us." Harry suddenly halted, looking mischievously from Sirius to Remus, his smile a bit more teasing. "Big enough for the three of us?" Remus was impressed. The boy truly inherited his mother's keen talent of deduction, for Lily, too, had immediately realized how he felt about Sirius from just Remus' looks. Even if he had not yet wanted to admit it to himself at the tender age of seventeen.

"No doubt, Remus can live with us, too. Nothing wrong with good friends living together, right?" joked the Animagus, understandably, because Harry might have meant it that way. However, the boy did not give in, his eyes more than obviously doubting his godfather's words. After a few seconds of staring at each other, Sirius whistled appreciatively, smirking while tilting his head sidways, "What a cunning fellow you are, my boy. Well combined, what gave us away?" Harry grinned and sassily took a sip from his teacup, "Sometimes Hermione's talent for reading between the lines and interpreting looks correctly just rubs off on me."

Remus looked into the boy's eyes, making sure there was no snag. "And is that okay with you? I don't want our relationship making you uncomfortable or causing you problems following my lessons." Harry shook his head vigorously, "Are you kidding? Uh, sorry, I mean, no, I would never have a problem with that. I'm happy for you guys and to be honest, it's a wonderful idea to think about living with the two coolest adults I've ever met.” Sirius laughed, bright and loud, sticking his tongue out at Remus, "Did you hear that? Harry thinks I'm cool!" But then his face became more sincere again, "I think I can speak for both of us when I say that your words mean the world to us, Harry. We appreciate them very much." Remus nodded, "There's nothing more to add to that."

For the first time in twelve years, his existence seemed to make sense again and Remus could hardly believe his luck. Not only did he have a fulfilling job, but for the first time in his adult life he had a real family. The bad memories that still lingering on Grimmauld place would be overwritten by the thorough renovation and they would be able to furnish their own cozy home. And in the heart of London, to boot. A city in which the living standard was as high as it was in London would never have come into question as permanent residence for him alone. It was simply too expensive, crushingly expensive. But now, even this impossible dream, this melody of someone else's life, was about to become a reality for him.

While Harry and Sirius continued to talk about the house and their shared future, Remus could only enjoy the moment, could only take in the happy sensation, one hand resting on Sirius' thigh.

As if to make sure he was still real.

All the problems and worries, pains and hardships of the last months and years seemed to vanish into thin air. Not all of them were gone, some would certainly remain forever, but yet he found himself happy. Excited. Not only living for the next day but the next week, month, year. The next years. 

With Sirius and Harry in his life, Remus felt complete, everything seemed to be back on track. He smiled sheepishly into his teacup, as a quote from an almost forgotten Muggle author came to his mind: "There is no happiness like that of being loved by your loved-ones, and feeling that your presence is an addition to their comfort."

She was right.


	19. Advice From the Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Our loved ones never really leave us. You can always find them - in here." 
> 
> Uploading two chapers today because it's the weekend and I had a bit of time on hand. This one is sad. ♥

***

It had been snowing all noon, truly untypical and almost a rarity in London. Christmas break had started two days ago at Hogwarts and Remus and Harry both arrived by train. Sirius knew that the only reason Remus had chosen the more complicated way of travelling by train instead of floo powder was to give Harry the opportunity to spend enough time with his friends and still be in his company should the need arise. Since his acquittal three months ago, Dumbledore had allowed to connect Remus' office to the floo-network to enable the professor to make a daily visit to Grimmauld place. Without this option, Sirius, if he was honest with himself, would have actually considered living in the house in London again, because he could no longer sleep without Remus, unless it was absolutely necessary. However, Harry, in fairness to the other students, was not allowed to use the floo-network outside of holidays, which was why Sirius had not wanted to let go of him after their arrival two days ago.

Two months without his godson, even though they were in constant contact by letter and Remus, who saw Harry on a daily basis at Hogwarts, told him about the boy, seemed like an eternity. Unfortunately, he had not been able to pick them both up from the train station either, because he became quite a public figure since his acquittal and wanted to spare Harry, who was already in the public eye anyway, from being photographed or interviewed. When Sirius was alone, the hustle and bustle around his person rarely bothered him and sometimes he even enjoyed it a little.

Slowly, he pulled his black coat over his shoulders, looking at himself in the large wall mirror in the hallway. He had elegantly curled his hair, the strands of hair that now almost reached his chest slightly larger than his natural waves. Behind him stood Remus, just wrapping a dark scarf around his neck. It was unusual, but no less attractive, to see him dressed entirely in black, for normally his lover wore earth tones or more cheerful colors. The sound of footsteps on the stairs told Sirius that Harry had also gotten ready and was probably finished to join them in the hallway. Sirius sighed, running his fingers through his curls. "You don't need to be nervous. Everything will be fine. I'll be at your side," said Remus, who had watched him through the mirror, approaching him soundlessly. The man with the hazel-amber eyes gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead and Sirius rested his head on his chest, feeling the rough material of Remus’ scarf against his cheeks. "I know, I know."

He reached in the pocket of his coat for his black leather gloves and put them on, just as Harry was coming down the stairs. The boy was also completely dressed in black and now they looked like three spots of dark ink in the otherwise bright and friendly corridor.

Sirius was proud to have completely redesigned Grimmauld place; hardly anything reminded him of his parents' gloomy pureblood charm anymore. The house now radiated a more rustic, cozy atmosphere, with natural tones, lots of cream, brown and beige, nicely accentuated by warm lights.

"Are you ready, Harry?" Remus asked smilingly and handed the boy his beanie from the wardrobe. He just nodded, "I guess so." Sirius could hear the tension in his godson’s voice. It was his first visit as well. "Since we're going to apparate, I packed some stomach tablets and water because we don't know if you're going to be sick," Remus said softly in Harry's direction, "otherwise we are ready to go. I just have to ask again, are you sure you want to do this today?" Sirius nodded, but slightly bit the inside of his cheek. He had no idea what his psyche would do once he stood in front of the grave of Lily and James. The uncertainty scared him, but he definitely wanted to accompany the others.

"I'm sure of it too," Harry replied decisively, "I think now is a good time." Remus straightened his scarf once more, his long fingers tensed and Sirius detected his lover’s agitation only too well, although he masked it perfectly. "I will take us to the graveyard gates of Godric's Hollow and then show you the way. Don’t worry, Harry. Apparating can be a bit uncomfortable but it is certainly manageable. If you are ready, take my hand." Sirius took a deep breath and took Remus' hand, which felt warm despite the barrier of her gloves. He locked eyes with Harry one last time, grey meeting green, nodding before Remus took them away.

It had also been a while for Sirius that he had last apparated, especially on long distances, and he was happy to feel solid stone ground under his feet again after a few seconds.

Remus, who was standing so casually as if he had not moved at all, looked around, "Is everyone all right?" Sirius nodded, but closed his eyes briefly to counteract the dizziness. "I think I'll take the water," Harry said quietly to Remus, smiling awkwardly. "There is no need to be embarrassed, Harry," Remus responded gently as he handed the water bottle to the boy, "You have done extremely well for your first time." While Harry took a big gulp from the water bottle, Sirius looked around. It had not snowed in Godric's Hollow, but the graveyard was overcast by a thick fog. Even the top of the small village's church, which had not changed in twelve years, standing next to the cemetery grounds, was bathed in fog and therefore hardly recognizable. Sirius swallowed, it felt strange to be back here and although he had never entered the cemetery of Godric's Hollow before, he felt an inner fear of the place. For him, cemeteries were no places of rest and comfort, but places of despair. His last visit to a cemetery had been at the funeral of Marlene McKinnon, not a pleasant day when he remembered. But the worst thing about cemeteries were the faces of the bereaved when looking at the graves of their loved ones, crushed, defeated, and endlessly sad. He could still remember the face of Dorcas the moment Marlene was lowered into the cold earth, a torture that had haunted him for years. Remus slowly pushed aside the wrought-iron gate, which was artfully decorated with various floral patterns. The sound tore Sirius from his thoughts. "Shall we?" Harry reached out his hand to him, whether because of his own anxiety or because he could already sense Sirius' agitation and wanted to help, the Animagus did not quite know. Nevertheless, he took Harry's hand into his own, gratefully holding on to it, feeling its coldness despite the gloves.

Remus led them across the cemetery, which was much bigger than Sirius had expected. The paths between the graves were covered with fallen autumn leaves, rustling under their feet, evident that nobody had bothered to remove them. Rows of tombstones stood in silence to the left and right, in front and behind, like a sea of the dead. Some were crumbled with the weathering of centuries; some were smooth marble with new black writing and laid with floral tributes. Most though, were overgrown and unkempt, for now even their mourners had joined them under the clay soil. Sirius looked around. To their right, a fresh grave had been dug to await its new occupant. How very hard to non-magically dig a grave in the middle of the frosty December. Godric’s Hollow was a Muggle village after all.

Sirius never understood the duality of graveyards. This graveyard, and all the others he visited before, was full; full of stone, moss, yew trees and the decaying remnants of bone and flesh. But they were also empty at the same time. Full of empty faces, empty bodies, nobody here but them. The disembodied voices of souls that once walked the earth seemed to be carried through the fog that was rising from the cracks in the porous path. It sounded like wind was whistling through the trees, but there was no wind and not even the tiniest breeze. He did not like it. When Remus' steps, which were otherwise much faster, suddenly slowed down and the man put a hand on Sirius' back, he knew that they had reached their destination. Harry held his hand all the more firmly now. The Animagus let his gaze wander across the ground and was able to locate the pale gravestone before Remus had fully stopped right in front of it.

"Here we are," the man said slowly, a sad smile on his lips.

Sirius stared at the slightly weathered gravestone, which had certainly once been completely white but now, after all these years, showed traces of verdigris on the sides.

_In loving memory of_

_James Fleamont Potter Lily Elaine Potter_

_Born Born_

_27 th March 1960 30th January 1960_

_Died Died_

_31 st October 1981 31st October 1981_

_The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death._

The stone was really beautiful and exactly as Remus had described it a few months ago, if this was the right adjective to use for a gravestone. Although they had only been standing in front of the tomb for a few seconds, Sirius felt like he was already suffocating. Here, in the cold earth covered with frost and leaves he lay - his best friend, the ever-present companion of his youth, his brother. The man whose contagious smile he had last seen almost thirteen years ago and whose eyes had pierced him lifelessly on that one fateful Halloween night. An unimaginable feeling, a pain that ran through his heart like lightning, cold and heavy. Sirius' eyes filled with tears and he did not know if it was because of the sadness or because he had not blinked for several minutes. Probably both. He was so focused on the stone that he did not want to take his eyes off it for even a fraction of a second.

"Hi Jamesy, Hi Lils," Sirius said softly, his voice fragile and rough, and he felt like puking.

Remus' hand now stroked his back, rubbing across the soft material of his coat, a comforting gesture that Sirius had not even noticed at first. Harry, too, had let go of his hand and instead clasped Sirius’ whole arm, his dark beanie deeply pulled into his face. Then Remus suddenly bent down and opened the small backpack he had brought with him. Apparently, he had magically extended it, because after a few moments he pulled out a delicate funeral wreath. The flower arrangement was lovingly composed and contained white lilies, how uncannily thoughtful. What a shame, he himself had not even thought of bringing anything. When Remus placed it next to the gravestone with nervous fingers, Sirius' first tear ran down his cheek; hot and almost burning on his cold skin.

Sirius heard Remus swallow as well, but then the professor began to speak, his fingertips resting on the muddy ground, "I bought the flowers this morning from a good florist around the corner. Muggles are so much more talented in the aesthetic arrangement of flowers, whatever the occasion". Sirius wanted to smile, but the corners of his mouth seemed to be fixed, petrified. Remus straightened up again, his voice calm, "I thought that white lilies were a nice allusion and would go well with the headstone, don't you think?” Harry just nodded, glassy eyes resting on his parents' names.

Sirius closed his eyes, the sounds of the crows that lingered in different parts of the cemetery, like guardians of the dead wrapped in black robes, his bridge to reality. James and Lily would certainly be pleased that the three had decided to visit them.

Lily would be ecstatic at the sight of the beautiful flowers and James would pat him on the shoulder, smiling brightly, his voice full of the usual mischief.

_“Long time no see, mate, I missed you. 34 already, huh? What a shame you've grown old.”_

_It's a shame you didn't._

To be honest, the Animagus was afraid of forgetting what James' voice had sounded like because he was sure that they day would come where he would not be able to remember. The thought brought more tears to his eyes. Crushed his heart.

"Would you like me to say a few words?" Remus asked quietly, looking at them both. His beloved had always been good with words, had always found the right words for the right situations. Harry had leaned his head against Sirius' shoulder, nodding again. He felt sorry for the boy and would have liked to comfort him, but he just felt so unspeakably empty himself. It felt like a void in his heart, a shear of nothingness that somehow took over and held his soul. It gave him this heavy feeling, the feeling he knew all too well from Azkaban. As if the weight of the world was resting on his shoulders and there was nothing he could do to get out from under it. It felt like a hole in his heart that was the shape of the man buried in the frozen cold ground before their feet.

Sirius did not know any other way to help himself and grabbed Remus' hand, interlaced their fingers, while his other hand embraced Harry's torso. He needed them close. Remus cleared his throat and then began to speak, "Hello you two, it's nice to see you. It was important for all of us to come here before the end of the year, as you can see it is Harry's and Sirius' first time today. I haven't been here for a while either, for which I must apologize. Our lives have changed drastically this year and we are finally reunited after so many years. Harry now lives with us at Grimmuald place; we are an actual little family."

Remus sighed, "Yet, not a day goes by where we don't think of you, miss you. We long for your hearty hugs, Lily, for the warmth they radiated and how they managed to cheer us all up or bring us down, depending on the situation. We miss your humor, James, the wit of your words that were so often completely inappropriate but still brought tears of joy to our eyes. We miss your laughter, the moments when we could hardly stir because of chuckling, our voices hoarse and funny. We miss our trips together, the shared evenings, the little moments when we were happy about how well Harry could already walk. We miss your friendship, your advice and presence, and Harry misses you as the best parents he could have had." Remus paused, looking down and Sirius could not suppress a faint sob. He felt the words as if they were scratching his soul. Harry too was crying now, his tears falling on Sirius' coat like little raindrops. "We are infinitely grateful that fate has brought us together, has finally enabled us to live as it should have been twelve years ago. And we will seize this opportunity, we will begin a new chapter. But you are missed, you are missed so damned much. Every day anew."

Remus' words echoed in his ears and when the werewolf gave him a kiss on the top of his head, Sirius buried his face in his scarf. Violent sobs now pervaded him, muffled by the knitted fabric, and he was glad that neither Harry nor Remus had to see his pain distorted face. Remus held them both tight, close to his chest, like a mother hen holds her chicks. Harry barely made a sound, cried silently, and Sirius was almost embarrassed that he himself was sobbing so heartbreakingly while Harry, a teenager, seemed to be able to control himself.

But perhaps this was also due to the fact that the boy had to function around his toxic relatives all the time and was now finding it difficult to let his emotions run free. Remus had removed one of his gloves and stroked his fingers through Sirius' hair, his movement accompanied by small words of comfort, "It's okay, let it out, easy." The Animagus admired how Remus could remain so calm despite his own grief and was truly grateful that at least one of them made a functioning adult.

After a few exhausting minutes, Sirius had calmed down again and was at least able to control his emotions to some extent. He turned to Harry, looked at the boy, who had also stopped crying and was just wiping the remains of his tears from his cheeks. Remus nudged Sirius' forehead with his nose, "Are you ready to head back?" Sirius nodded, but Harry reached into the pocket of his jacket, shaking his head, "One moment, please."

The boy pulled out a photo, all yellowed and slightly faded. Sirius recognized it immediately, however, since he had taken it himself all those years ago. James and Lily waved into the camera while holding Harry, a one-year-old boy, who stared straight ahead in confusion. What a beautiful memory. Harry approached the tombstone and muttered something Sirius could not make out. Then he placed the photo on the front of the stone, held by the delicate floral arrangement of lilies. Sirius figured that it was time to say goodbye properly. Hence, he broke away from Remus’ embrace and approached the grave from the side Harry was not blocking. Up close, the stone was even more precious, small glittering pieces that looked like snowflakes were worked into its material. Sirius took off his right glove and crouched down, tracing the engraving of James' name with his fingertips. The stone was cold and rough against his touch.

Although most of the fog had somewhat cleared, the ground was still a few degrees colder than the air. The low temperature matched the mood. Sirius smiled tiredly, James' smirking face appearing before his eyes, feeling closer than ever.

_"Stop making that face, mate! Your facial expression almost makes me wish I could die again."_

_Don't joke about that!_

_"Life is too short for that, trust me I know what I'm talking about. Look behind you, they are your future. Go and live!"_

He closed his eyes briefly, allowing James' faint voice to take effect.

"I love you, Jamesy! We'll take good care of Harry, I promise. Until next time, dear ones," Sirius said softly, kissing his fingertips and pressing them against the tombstone. After he had finally visited his friends for the first time, he would come here more often in the future. Of that he was sure.

The way back to the cemetery gate felt strangely liberated, as if he had finally fulfilled a long-awaited wish. "I'm glad we were here," Harry said as Remus was about to close the gate and restore peace to the dead. "Me too, it was the right decision," Sirius replied, adjusting his coat, "although I probably don't look like it." He could only guess how red and swollen his eyes were after the mental breakdown. Remus handed him the water bottle, "Here! To compensate for the loss of fluid." Harry smiled slightly and Sirius nodded, relieved. It was as Remus _and James_ had said at the Potters' grave. This here was their new chance, the start of a new chapter, and when Remus’ magic pulled them away, he felt a spark of confidence flooding through him.


	20. Bright Nights, Bright Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For everyone who needs it: "Don't cry when the sun is gone because the tears won't let you see the stars." -VP  
> Current times are hard, they are tough, but we are in this together. <3

***

Remus hurried up the stone steps of the castle. It was already half past five in the evening, Dumbledore had once again kept him longer than expected. Today, however, over something very pleasant, he could hardly wait to see the faces of the others as soon as he arrived home and delivered the good news. Hogwarts was almost completely empty, not surprising since the winter break had started on Monday. Since it was the penultimate break before the end of the semester in June, many younger students had taken the opportunity to stay with their families again. Especially the muggle-born students, whose parents liked to use the end of February to go skiing with their children, enjoyed the free week outside the magical world. Remus always had to smile whenever Filius Flitwick talked about how individual students told him about typical Muggle winter activities, such as ice skating or skiing, and the goodhearted professor had to ask about every other term. Without any non-magical contacts, Flitwick surely was confused but not less interested in their stories. Harry, too, had insisted on going ice skating with Sirius and Remus during the last vacations, something he had never been able to do with the Dursleys. All in all, it had been a nice day, but Remus' own skills on the slippery surface were more than upgradable, to put it mildly.

Arriving at his office, which was quite cold without the warmth of the fireplace, he stowed a large pile of essays in his bag. He would not come back to Hogwarts before the end of the vacations but wanted to read them all before next week.

His home office in Grimmauld place was much more modern, even larger, and a bit more comfortable anyway. And Sirius was around - the most convincing knockout argument for working from home. 

A lot had happened over the last few months. Sirius, who not only had the Ministry's compensation money at his disposal, but also almost all of Alphard Black's assets on top of the funds from the sale of his parents' property when emptying Grimmauld place, had teamed up with Martha and bought back shares of Fleamont Potter's established cosmetics company. The business now split into two main branches, one of which was based in London, the other in Washington, America. As Harry's legal guardian, Sirius was even given family ownership of the English headquarters, and due to the popularity that his involvement had brought to the company, he was voluntarily handed over the reins at a ceremony two months ago. Martha contributed her own experience in the production and effects of various ingredients and was able to make an important part of the product development through her research in herbology. Even if she had to leave retirement to do so. The two of them made an excellent team and in a few weeks, their first own series of products would be launching. He was proud of the two of them and this major step. Proud that Sirius was able to carry on the legacy of his adoptive father.

With a smile on his face, he reached for the floo powder next to the fireplace. In the past, he had always been slightly irritated when traveling this way, but in the last months he had gotten used to it through his daily use. It was now part of his normal routine. Just like brushing his teeth or showering.

However, today it was still somehow different, because not only had he Dumbledore's fantastic message to deliver, but also greater plans.

Something that left his hands sweating nervously, his breath faltering. Something very exciting.

_Number 12 Grimmauld Place, Islington, London_

A few seconds later he stood in his office in Grimmauld place and illuminated the welcoming room with a wave of his wand. Remus loved this place, like he loved all the rooms in the house, because it was not only lovingly designed, but also practical and tastefully furnished. Instead of the hard stone floor of his office at Hogwarts, this floor was covered with a grey carpet, which made the whole room atmosphere much more homely. Here, he had enough space for all his books or rather his own small library. Holding on to the mantelpiece with one hand, Remus exchanged his brown Oxfords for comfortable slippers. Without wasting any more time - after all, he was already quite late - he stowed the essays in his desk drawer and made his way to the kitchen on the first floor. Surprisingly, he found only Martha there, who was standing in front of the stove dressed in a cooking apron.

In order not to frighten her, Remus knocked gently against the door frame as he entered. "There you are at last," said Martha joyfully, and turned around to give Remus a brief welcome hug, "I thought you might prefer to eat at the castle today." He leaned down to see what Martha had prepared in the oven, and happily noticed that there was obviously quiche. "How could I pass up your cooking skills? Though I must admit I'm surprised you're all alone."

Martha shook her head and rolled her eyes, smiling, "After Sirius returned from his therapy session and had a business meeting with Mr. Waterstone in the afternoon, he and Harry went out for a run. And what can I say? It really knocked them out and they're still sleeping in the living room." She swung the wooden spoon in her hand through the air, "Honestly Remus, he's dear to me, but without us, this man would have starved to death long ago." The lycanthrope laughed out loud; Martha was right. Sirius was absolutely useless in the kitchen without magic, and anyone who loved their kitchen would keep him away from it. He really only cooked conscientiously when neither Martha nor Remus were available, and Harry's appetite had to be taken care of. With a quick gesture of her hand, Martha turned off the stove, "It's quite convenient that you're here now, though, because that way I can lay the table while you wake the boys. Deal?" Remus nodded, amused that her words sounded like she was talking about two small children.

On his way to the living room, he magically lit the candles, which were set at various corners of the hallway, bathing it in a warm light.

The biggest room of the house was almost completely dark, only the light of the TV and the moon illuminated it a little bit. Luckily, Remus’ last struggle with the monthly affliction of his lycanthropy had only been last week and the moon had almost no effect on him today. With Sirius as Padfoot at his side, the transformations under the Wolfsbane potion had also become more bearable. Not pleasant, but more bearable. He was still so very much grateful for the company. Harry was sometimes curious as well, wanted to help, but Sirius forbade him any interaction with them on full moon nights. His love did not look like it, but he was overprotective of Harry.

Although they had two large sofas facing each other in front of the fireplace and TV, Sirius and Harry were snuggled up together on one of them, still deeply asleep.

Both looked so peaceful as they lay side by side on the sofa. Sirius, lying on his back, had one arm around Harry, the other rested under the back of his head. Harry was lying on his side with his face turned to him, his head half buried under a pillow. Remus's heart wanted to sing, a truly beautiful sight - his boys, his family. It was so good seeing Sirius having less and less trouble finding sleep. His severe nightmares had decreased to once or twice a week, probably largely due to the effective psychotherapy. On these nights, Remus was there for him, taking his time to calm him down, to comfort him, just as Sirius did for him on the nights of the full moon. During their first transformation together, Martha had also been present, well protected in her squirrel form, making sure that Sirius was not triggered by the sight of Remus' pain, by the blood and the screams.

Slowly, the man stroked a black streak of hair from the Animagus' face, causing him to slightly wrinkle his nose and open his eyes with a few blinks. "Hey, you sleepyheads, Martha has dinner ready," Remus said in a calm voice, while Sirius yawned, his movements waking up Harry as well. "Hi, love! Is it that late already? Damn, I was intending to help her with dinner," Sirius said sheepishly, brushing his hair away from his face, "You can't imagine what kind of energy this boy has. I am really out of practice!" Harry stood up and grabbed his glasses, which rested on the coffee table, "What did you dream about? You totally outpaced me at the end."

Sirius laughed, shaking his head, "Let an old man have his modesty." Remus swung his wand and turned off the TV with a low chuckle, "Sirius Black and modesty, can you even use that together in one sentence?" Sirius threw one of the cushions at him, "Watch out! I can still hunt you down in no time." The room was now much darker due to the absence of the flickering TV screen and Remus held the illuminated wand under his face, like Muggles do with flashlights while telling scary stories, "I quiver with fear!” All of them laughed.

Martha's quiche tasted fantastic, was without doubt the best he had ever eaten and that should mean something given the richness of Hogwarts' cuisine. Remus decided to learn many more recipes from Martha in the future by watching her prepare the food. The others seemed to like it a lot as well; Harry was already on his second helping and even Sirius had eaten his whole dish, a rarity for him. "There is something I absolutely must tell you, now that we have nearly finished eating," Remus began and twiddled the fork in his hand, grinning. "It turned out that Dumbledore not only wanted to talk to me about the upcoming exams today, but he also had a much greater matter to discuss with me." Sirius supported his head with the palm of his hand, "Please tell me that it is good news." Harry's eyes flitted back and forth between them all as if expecting bad news too. "It is indeed good news," Remus said quickly before either of them could start to worry, "As you know, I can only work in the D.A.D.A. teacher position until June, after which a new teacher must be selected. However, Professor Vector will be leaving the school next semester to retire, leaving a vacancy for the Arithmancy teacher position, which has not yet been officially announced."

Remus paused, smiling broadly, "Well, Dumbledore asked me to consider teaching Arithmancy as of September which would mean I could remain at Hogwarts permanently as a teacher."

The faces of the others became bright. "And did you say yes?" shouted Martha and Sirius simultaneously. "Please tell me you didn't put him off by telling him you wanted to talk to us first," Sirius added, "you know how quickly good old Dumbledore can sometimes change his mind." Remus shook his head, "Even I couldn't pass up the opportunity, of course I accepted immediately. Arithmancy had been my favorite subject when I was a student myself and Professor Vector assured me that she could not think of anyone better for the job.” Martha clapped her hands together, eyes gleaming with tears of joy, "How lovely, that is indeed the best news of the day." Harry slammed his fist on the table and for just a moment he looked like James, "This is amazing! You are the best teacher ever and I wouldn’t want Hogwarts without you anymore.” Then the boy sighted, “Now I regret not choosing Arithmancy for the next semester." Remus ruffled his hand through the boy's hair, but then Sirius pulled him into a quick kiss. It was still quite overwhelming that they could do that whenever they wanted to now. "I am very happy for you, my love," the man said with a tender smile. "You more than deserve it."

Sirius waved his wand and after a few seconds, a dark wine bottle flew towards them, which he skillfully caught with one hand, "Not everything my parents left behind was bad. This wine here is almost three centuries old. My father would be turning in his grave if he could see me open it now, but I think the occasion is more than justified." Sirius poured the dark red liquid, which already had a sensual scent after opening the bottle, into three wine glasses. "And what about me?" Harry protested, but before Sirius could say anything, Remus intervened. "Not a chance, Harry, you are thirteen. Butterbeer is more than enough," he said smiling, knowing that Harry was only joking. Sirius shrugged, one of his typical 'there is nothing to be done about that' gestures.

"Here's to Professor Lupin and a secure future," his lover then said dreamily and the three of them clashed their glasses together. The lycanthrope first smelled the viscous liquid, then took a small sip. He was truly no wine expert, rarely ever drank good wine, but immediately tasted the heaviness and breadth of the beverage. Subtle, dry, rich, and ironically, just like the Blacks themselves had been. Sirius dramatically brushed his lips, which were moistened with wine, and snorted, "What a pity that the wine is so good but the memory of its owners so terrible. They may burn in hell, but le goût exquis de mes parents cannot be denied." He took another sip, “Probably the first and last compliment I will ever give them.”

"I have no idea what you just said, but I certainly agree with you," Martha replied with a raised eyebrow. She looked over at Harry, who had just emptied his butterbeer, "My boy, weren't you going to visit a friend today?" Harry nodded, wiping the foam off his upper lip, "Yes, I'm going to sleep at Ron's house for the next two nights. His father will take me with him today after his late shift at the Ministry. We meet at eight in Great Scotland Yard." Remus frowned, knowing that Harry wanted to leave today, but not being aware that Arthur was not picking him up directly. "In central London? How do you get there?" he asked curiously.

Harry scratched the back of his head, "Using the Muggle tube, it's only a 20-minute ride and I could walk the last bit." Sirius shook his head, "Absolutely not! Do you know how many creeps are on the road at this hour? The Muggle news is full of reports of-" Remus cut him off, "Aren't the Weasleys connected to the floo network as well? Next time, we can ask Arthur to connect our homes." He looked Sirius in the eye, "And today we can accompany you, I think an after-dinner walk is good for all of us." Martha giggled, her usual high-pitched laugh, "I hope you don't include me in ‘all of us’. An old woman needs her rest in the evening. But you go ahead and have a good romp."

Remus nodded while Sirius emptied his wine glass, long elegant fingers placing it back on the table. "Please don't make me use the Muggle tube, can't we apparate?" The werewolf knew that he would complain and nudged him in the side, "You know, I don't think we've ever ridden the tube together, it might be fun." Sirius drummed his fingers on the wooden kitchen table, obviously not amused. His love for Muggles apparently had its limits and whatever it was with the tube was one of them. "Relax, we can apparate to the office and just walk the last bit. If that's okay with you, Harry?" Remus asked with an entertained face. The boy nodded, “More than okay, thanks for coming along.” Sirius made their empty plates float into the sink, satisfied with Remus’ suggestion. "Listen, I appreciate that you're still so happy about it now. Don't get me wrong pal, I'd accompany you anywhere up to your eighteenth birthday, but I don't think that's what you want a few years from now."

Harry laughed and Remus had to smirk as well. "Believe me, the attention from you does me a world of good compared to the disregard of the Dursleys," Harry said and left the kitchen, "I'm going upstairs to pack my things." Sirius sighed as Harry disappeared in the hallway, "I take him at his word. Beware the overly clingy godfather!" Martha and Remus looked at each other and smilingly shook their heads, "Great."

The streets of London were particularly empty, probably because it was freezing cold outside. But also, because they were in the office district of the city and this was not a very popular place for evening walks. Remus was now quite happy that they had accompanied Harry after all; without them, he would have walked this dark, deserted path all by himself, which did not seem like a good idea. Better safe than sorry. Sirius walked next to him, hands in his pockets, quivering heavily. Despite Remus' advice, the Animagus had insisted on wearing only a thin jacket, since 'they weren't out too long'. But now they had been walking around the dark office complexes for almost ten minutes and although Sirius would most likely rather suffer instead of admitting he had been wrong in his choice of clothes, it was obvious that he was cold. Remus smiled and put an arm around him. _That lovely idiot._

"Bloody cold!" Sirius complained, embracing his torso with his arms, "Didn't any of you ever stand outside the Ministry?" Remus laughed, "The only one of us who has been inside the Ministry before is you. It's no use, nobody knows the exact street, so we can't apparate." Sirius sulked, "If this goes on, I'll freeze to death before we even see Arthur." Remus patted Harry on the shoulder, disguising his voice, "And here you see the ultimate proof why one should not go by aesthetics alone when choosing one's clothes."

Sirius slapped him on the shoulder with a smile, but before he could say anything, Remus saw Arthur's red shock of hair appearing in a parking lot around the corner.

Harry waved at the man who already seemed to be waiting next to his blue Ford Anglia. "Good evening, Mr. Weasley, have you been waiting long?" The man smiled kindly, his laugh lines seemed contagious, "Good evening, everyone. No, not at all, I've just got here myself." He eyed Sirius, "Did you come by the Muggle tube? I've never been inside it myself, but I find the construction more than fascinating." Sirius gave Harry the backpack that he had carried for him, "Terrific! No, we apparated and walked the last bit. I can't really get much out of the undergrounds." Remus smiled at how mildly that was put. "How was your day at the Ministry, Arthur?" Ronald's father looked at his wristwatch with a pleased face, "It was more than quiet today, we only had one real raid, conveniently situated in London, and that was six hours ago." He chuckled, "Molly and the kids will be happy that I'm home on time, too. Especially if I bring Harry with me." He turned to Sirius, "By the way, Ron loves his new pet, and I must thank you again." After a few months, and a recovery period from Peter's revelation, the boy had finally been ready to take care of a new pet. Sirius had bought him an owl at his own request. "Don't thank me, it was the least I could do after he helped us so bravely," Sirius said, suppressing a quiver. Remus could not stand it any longer. How could his dramatic beloved survive all these years in Azkaban? "Next time we'll connect our floo networks, so the boys will have an easier time visiting each other," Remus suggested, partly to cut the conversation short.

Arthur gave a nod, obviously surprised by his proposal, "A brilliant idea! See, I hadn't thought of that. Please excuse if you had to come all the way down here for me." Remus shook his head, "No need. Have a nice evening and say hello to Molly and the others for us." The red headed man nodded kindly and stowed Harry's backpack in the small trunk of the car while the boy wrapped his arms around their necks. "See you in two days, sweetie, and please behave," said Sirius, gently stroking over the fabric of Harry’s shoulder, "Best let us know in advance when you're coming back via floo-network." 

When the car disappeared at an intersection, Arthur would drive the car out of London and only then, cloaked in the darkness of the less frequented roads, would he fly with it, Remus put his scarf around Sirius' narrow shoulders. "Honestly, I can't bear to see how cold you are," he said with a sigh and kissed Sirius on the tip of his nose. He was indeed freezing cold. The Animagus gratefully accepted the large scarf and wrapped it tightly around himself, "One gets used to the good life quickly. I can honestly no longer imagine how cold-resistant I must have been six months ago." Remus did not want to think about the past and took Sirius' hand in his, "Shall we apparate straight home?" The black-haired man seemed to think for a moment, but then he shook his head, "Let's at least take a walk for a few more minutes. Your scarf keeps me much warmer and, by the way, smells wonderfully like you." Remus dragged him along, back to the street where they had come from. "Oh yes? What do I smell like?" he asked, genuinely interested in Sirius' answer.

"Let's see," replied his lover and buried his nose deep in the woolly material, "I can recognize the brand of cologne you used - one of my favorites - intermingling with the outlandish aroma of musk, not too much but in a pleasant note, but also the powdery warm scent of cinnamon and chocolate, probably from Martha's last baking." He closed his eyes and smelled again, "And there is something else,” he smiled and came closer to Remus, “the indescribable fresh scent of danger." However, Sirius instantly laughed about his own words, the pale cheeks slightly reddened and so beautifully gorgeous, "But the latter is probably because of me, since this dark street is giving me the creeps." Remus grinned, putting an arm around Sirius. Fascinating, how the man had been through hell and was still scared of a dark alley; how utterly adorable. "I'll keep the lunatics at arm’s length, don't worry," Remus said in a smug voice, winking at him. All jokes aside, he knew what Sirius meant because ever since he read the Muggle news again, he had been reminded of how dangerous London could be at night.

"I advise you not to get too friendly with me, mister, my boyfriend is a werewolf," Sirius replied in a flirty voice.

Remus eyed him, a seductive smile on his lips, "Is that so?"

Then, without warning, he grabbed Sirius by the ends of his scarf and pulled him closer until their noses almost touched, "Sounds dangerous to me." Not a soul was in the dark street and Remus could feel Sirius' warm breath on his face. The shorter man chuckled in a deep voice and laid his hands on his shoulders, "Very dangerous! If he catches us, you better run." Remus stroked Sirius' full lower lip with his thumb, soft and moist and practically begging to be kissed. "We better not get caught then," Remus whispered into Sirius' ear before pulling him into a soft kiss. He would never get used to this indescribable feeling, would never take the sensuality of Sirius' kisses for granted.

Remus loved the way his small body melted into his. The way their lips fit like two puzzle pieces. The way Sirius relented as he played with his hair while holding him tight. Most of his kisses were soft and gentle and chaste and maybe there was no actual fireworks or sparks, but their connection was better than that – it was a wave of happiness that filled Remus up, spilling out from his heart and the warmth of Sirius’ lips on his and rushing to every corner of his body: his cheeks, the crooks of his elbows, the tips of his ears. Every inch of him was saturated with love.

When they parted after a few moments, their foreheads still pressed together, Remus could feel an inner excitement rising.

_Was this the right moment?_

Before he could think about it any longer, Sirius nudged him with his nose.

"Thank you!"

Remus tilted his head. "For what?" he asked in surprise. "For being my whole world," Sirius replied with a fond smile, which Remus could read even in the bad lighting of the faint streetlights. The Animagus pulled Remus into another short kiss, "And for waiting, I need to pee." Remus laughed, amused by the quick mood change, "Sirius, you moment killer! Can't you wait until we've apparated home?" His lover shook his head, "Sorry, it's urgent. I'll just go to the office, it's right around the corner." He wrapped Remus' scarf tighter around his neck again, "Don't run off, okay?" The werewolf leaned against the brick wall of a Muggle bank building, "I wouldn't dream of it."

A cold wind began to blow as Sirius' silhouette disappeared around the corner and Remus pulled up the collar of his coat. Smiling, he realized that after his meeting with Dumbledore, he never thought he would be standing alone in dark central London today. As a teenager this would have scared him, but now he had seen and experienced enough, so that hardly anything in the Muggle world frightened him anymore. Still, there were a lot of monsters in this world, he himself being one of them.

Lost in thought, he put his right hand in his coat pocket and touched _the box_ with his fingertips. He had carried it with him almost every day for a month now, but so far there had simply not been the right moment. He wanted to be alone with Sirius, undisturbed, as much as he appreciated the two of them, without Harry and Martha, he wanted to have enough time and capture the perfect mood. Remus wanted to make the unique and highly emotional experience as beautiful as possible, wanted to do everything right after so many years, but that was easier said than done.

The man sighed, he had been at this point before, almost thirteen years ago. What a strange feeling. At that time, with twenty-one years on his shoulders, he had been so confident, so certain that nothing and no one could have shaken their relationship. As if he had the world figured out. He had been wrong, youthful recklessness had clouded his senses. He was not untouchable, nobody was. Everything came to an end, all hearts were broken eventually, and therefore it was even more important to savor each and every little moment. Especially now, after they had been robbed of so many years, time was so unbelievably precious. With careful fingers he took the small box out of his pocket and opened it. In the yellow glow of the streetlight, which playfully mated with the soft moonlight of the narrow crescent in the sky, resting on black velvet, lay the ring he had kept all these years.

Back in 1981, it had cost him a fortune and still, although he had a much better job now, the amount seemed unreal to him. But it was still far from adequate to the preciousness of Sirius himself. The elegant golden ring was adorned with a black diamond, a rarity as Remus had been told at the time. Just like colorless diamonds, black diamonds symbolized eternal, flawless, and unchanging love. They were also associated with passion, action, and energy, perfect for Sirius as he figured. However, the best thing about the scintillating stone was its multi-dimensionality when you looked at it from up close. Unlike other gemstones, black diamonds were slightly different, as they consisted of many small crystals all stuck together in random formation. This particular detail gave them a dimension that resembled the Milky Way in the night sky. Remus smiled when he looked at the stone even closer, he loved it. It reflected the same depth as Sirius' eyes did, just like the many constellations in the starry firmament above him.

Truly fitting.

Even before meeting Sirius, stars had always been beyond magical to him. They lit the sky like snowflakes in the night, yet appeared still, like an old Muggle photograph. Remus inhaled deeply, feeling the wind blowing through his hair. Were he out there in space, riding the limits of the known universe, they would be a choreographed blizzard. How the stars would move, the galaxies tumble and dart. But for now, with his gentle fingers around the box, the starlight kept its familiar pattern. The constellations, who had witnessed centuries and millennia just the same, would watch over their moment, had seen all of their moments of shared love and were about to see much more to come.

More of Sirius and Remus, the star and the moon.

"What do you have there?" Sirius asked softly over his shoulder, Remus had not even heard that he had already returned. "Nothing," he replied hastily, flinching slightly, skillfully hiding the ring behind his back. Luckily, the semi-dark scenery helped him well to inconspicuously let the box disappear into his coat pocket again. His lover did not seem to have noticed anything. "Do you feel better now?" he asked, while Sirius kicked the stub of his cigarette out on the floor. "Much better, we can apparate home now, if you like," the Animagus replied with relief while his fingers playfully coiled around Remus' arm. "Your wish is my command."

After a few seconds, both stood in the hallway of their house again, which was still illuminated by the candles he had lit earlier. Sirius shivered as he took off his shoes, "I think I need a hot drink and a blanket right now." He moved closer to Remus, "Or someone to keep me warm." Remus smirked, what an excellent plan. "Let's make some tea, grab some wine, and spend the evening on the roof terrace then," he suggested with an innocent tone of voice. They would be alone, undisturbed, and outside, being able to look at the sky.

_Maybe this was a good chance to finally do it._

Sirius was heading down to the cellar to browse through his father's remaining wine collection while Remus was putting on the tea water. Excitement slowly began to rise in him, after all, the time might have come in a few moments. How would he start? He certainly had enough words, more than enough to fill monographs with, but he did not just want to say anything but was eager to underscore the moment with his language.

Quite the challenge, because his head was already spinning, full of ideas, yet empty at the same time. Remus' hands were icy for the first time in years, something that only happened during severe agitation, when he was pouring the boiling water in the two teacups. "Ready?" asked Sirius, who, with two blankets over his shoulder, made the wine bottle in his hand levitate to take one of the steaming teacups from Remus.

"Blow!" said the werewolf as Sirius' delicate fingers curled around the handle of the scalding cup. Sirius paused for a moment, shrugged, and got down onto his knees but Remus pulled him back to his feet immediately. "Merlin, the tea, Sirius," he laughed, slightly flushed, "I mean the tea. Because it's hot." The Animagus winked at him, the usual flirty expression on his face, "I'm afraid the instruction was not clear enough, professor." Remus wrapped the hand that did not hold a teacup around the man's waist, pulling him closer, "You are impossible, you know that?" Sirius chuckled, letting his teacup float as well so that he could run his fingers along the front of Remus’ shirt, “My, my, I’m just a good dog following orders.”

Suddenly, Martha, who was standing right next to the door munching a biscuit, cleared her throat and both men jumped. Remus had not even noticed that she must have been in the kitchen the whole time and apparently Sirius had not seen her either. "Should you ever hear a loud bang, it’s probably because the old woman, who happens to be in the room as well, fainted in shame," Martha said, smiling while covering her eyes with her hands. “I’m too old and innocent for that kind of talk.” Sirius laughed and threw his hair back, "Come on, Marthy, let us have some fun!" He snatched the teacup out of the air, "Besides, I'm sure you've seen worse."

The woman rubbed her temples, the green spectacle frame resting in her hands, "Don't remind me, just be glad it wasn't Harry." She giggled, "I'll be in the living room now, just to let you know should you overlook me again. Good night, you two lovebirds."

“Nighty-night,” Sirius warbled happily as the woman departed. Remus laughed up his sleeve, the two truly acted like mother and son sometimes. 

Both men climbed up the stairs to the third floor of the house and with each step, Remus' heart beat a little faster. The roof terrace of the house was out to the side of the small garden that Martha claimed for herself whenever she lived with them, shielded from any possible glances of the Muggle neighborhood. The outside area was lovingly decorated, just like the rest of the house. A light-colored wood paneling decorated the entire terrace and gave it a cozy cabin flair. At Harry's suggestion, they had equipped the banister with atmospheric fairy lights and created a sitting area made of various cushions where Remus often sat down to enjoy a good book while breathing in the fresh air. In addition, they had arranged some candles, sheltered from the wind, shielded by different sized glasses and containers. Needless to say, some of Martha's beloved potted plants also stood on the balcony. A wonderful place to relax and nestle down. Their own small outdoor area, a little more secluded than the garden, and surely highly appreciated once Harry became older. Sirius placed his teacup on the wide balustrade and sat down on the cushioned bench, holding the wine bottle in his hand. With the wave of his wand, all candles and also the fairy lights ignited. The small radio next to the door began to play as well. Muggle music. "Bon Jovi?" Remus asked and took one of the blankets from Sirius' shoulder.

"Why not?" Sirius replied smilingly, "I missed a decade of good music, don't blame me. I have a lot to catch up on." He was right, and if Remus was honest, the music matched the mood and conveniently overrode his raging thoughts.

_I'll be there, till the stars don't shine  
'Til the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme_

Remus sat down next to the black-haired man, ready to give himself Dutch courage. "Do we have glasses, or do we just drink the wine straight from the bottle?" he asked and reached for the bottle to read its label. Sirius leaned back into the cushions, the blanket pulled over his shoulders, "Normally it should be a felony to drink such good wine from the bottle, but you know my motto: the secret ingredient is crime." He brushed a strain of hair out of his face, "You know, like we used to." Remus gave him a gloating half-smile and took a generous sip from the bottle before passing it on to Sirius. The wine was slightly lighter than the one they had drunk at dinner, though no less full and noble, leaving a vanillary aroma on his tongue. Sirius directed his gaze to the sky, his head dreamily resting on Remus' shoulder, "Sometimes I still can't believe that I am finally able to see the entire starry sky again, just like right now, free and easy." He sighted, "So much has changed. For the better. I'm really overjoyed that you can continue teaching at Hogwarts, love. It's always been your dream and I'm sure the kids more than appreciate you." Sirius turned his head to face Remus, “Or at least they better do.” Remus took a deep breath and another sip of the dark bottle. Sirius did not seem to suspect anything. Perfect. _Now or never._

He cleared his throat, shifting back slightly to be able to look at Sirius completely, "There is something else I wanted to tell you tonight." The Animagus tilted his head, obviously surprised. "I'm going to have to go far afield for this, but stick with me, okay?" Remus asked, stroking the dark fabric of Sirius' pants with one hand. "Sure!"

Remus could not help but smile when the memories of their past came to his mind. "Do you remember when, during our sixth year, you disappointedly thought that I'd rather be with Mary McDonald, but didn't want to let me know because we hadn't confessed our mutual feelings yet?" Remus asked hesitantly, unsure to what extent Sirius wanted to remember their school days. His lover, however, began to smile, "Uh-huh, and how I dated Benjy Fenwick, thinking you were unreachable?"

Remus nodded, "We were so stupid, so oblivious. You know, the thing is that I always liked you, just as I told you back then in our dormitory. You were always the one I really wanted." He took Sirius' hand in his, "Then in seventh year, finally, I dared to choose you, and I am willing to repeat the action over and over. A million times over."

"Likewise, my Moony," Sirius responded, kissing the back of his hand, “I am so happy to be at your side.” Remus smiled faintly.

“Still, I hurt you several times, did not protect you enough, yet here you sit, kissing me, like I am your hope. My icy heart, hardened by society’s cruelty, melted by your fire, and embraced yours with the flutter of wild feelings I felt. Could anyone ever feel, or understand what we've been through? No, most certainly not.”

Sirius hung on his lips with big eyes, taking in his words, so he continued. 

“Twelve years are a long time, and nobody that close should be separated for so long. And it pains me, just as it pains you. I feel your pain raging in my soul, and it will hurt again from time to time. But there is still passion, still fire left within us. Sparks of energy that kept fighting. I feel incomplete without you, felt as if my heart was frozen for over a decade, but not anymore.”

Remus stroked Sirius’ hair and the man next to him swallowed. “Every time I look at you, I feel love and inspiration coursing through me. How destiny writes fates, quite incredible. Unbelievable even. You are my treasure. You taught me to dream fearlessly, and love limitlessly, though you didn't know what true love was because it had never been given to you from your family. I cherish you. Want to spend a lifetime with you, worshipping you. I need you by my side, every day, hooking fingers with mine while facing the challenges life gives us. Because your love is so whole, my missing pieces appear. Because your touch carries such passion, what was scarred becomes soft once more. Because you are steady and patient, my open wounds have time to seal and vanish.”

The eyes of Animagus filled with tears and Remus chuckled, touched by the fact how much his warm and sincere words seemed to move Sirius. He interlaced their fingers once more. The words came easily to him, after all they came straight from his heart, and yet he was more nervous than ever. “Sirius, I love you like there is no tomorrow. It is as if you speak the same language as I, yet no other is able. To be around you is like finally not being alone - as if I had been isolated for the past twelve years, in a windowless room, in a doorless room, and then suddenly you walk in, break me free. How is that you are so much more than sunshine? It’s because you are not only my sun, powerful during the daytime, but also my star, lighting up my nights even when I seem to lose myself to the merciless moon.”

Remus exhaled, slightly out of breath because of his own feelings and the effect his words had on Sirius’ eyes.

“Even knowing my faults, of which there are many, you are there to listen, to defend, to love. You understand my anxieties, my triggers and the ghosts that haunt me, driving actions that are so illogical to others. In return, I keep you safe with my words, my deeds. I am the one who will always be there for you, be honest with you, listen and care. I won't always have answers for you, you won't always have answers for me, but you will never be alone in your problems and neither will I. So, my love, know this - while I breathe, I am yours in mind, body and soul, and I have a lifetime ahead to prove that if you let me. I will, I mean it.”

Remus halted, his heartbeat erratic and as wild as it had been during their very first kiss. He gently ran the fingertips of his right hand over Sirius' reddened cheeks. The man's mouth was open, as if he felt the air's tension himself, as if the words robbed him of his oxygen. “However, I need to ask you something first,” Remus said slowly, his voice low.

Now the moment he had imagined for so long, the moment he had dreamed about over and over again, had finally arrived. When Sirius did not move an inch, Remus pulled back and the second he got down on one knee, exposing the opened box in one of his palms, Sirius covered his mouth with both of his hands. It was as if time stood still. There were no sounds - just them. 

“Sirius Orion Black, will you marry me?”

The words sounded distinctly different, so different from the way they had sounded when he had repeated them in his head, much more powerful and intense and indescribably beautiful.

For a moment it seemed as if Sirius' brain had stopped working, shut down due to sudden emotional overload, but then tears ran down his cheeks and he began to sob. "Remus Lupin you crazy, hopeless romantic," was all the Animagus could utter as he wiped the waterfall of tears from his face. "Is that a yes?" Remus asked quietly, his own field of vision blurred with tears of joy. "Of course it is!" Sirius said in a trembling voice and pulled Remus back on his legs, "Yes, yes, a thousand times yes."

Their kiss was rather clumsy, much too impetuous and abrupt, their teeth clenching together while Remus could taste Sirius' tears on his own lips, and yet it was the most beautiful kiss they had ever shared. Full of joyful love and deep devotion. Luckily, he had remembered to put the ring box down on the table before, because now he lovingly embraced Sirius' face with both hands, held it tightly during their kiss, before he pulled the man closer and twirled around, lifting him up in the air. He did it, seized the moment and had finally dared to make this wonderful step.

"I love you so much, Moony," Sirius whispered as he stood with both feet on the ground again. Remus chuckled; the whole scene still seemed like a beautiful dream to him. "You haven't even seen the ring up close yet," he said, holding the small box once more in the field of vision of his beloved, his fiancé, "I hope it still fits you, because I've kept it all these years. For almost thirteen years."

With tender fingers, he took the ring out of the box and slipped it over the finger of Sirius' outstretched hand. It was indeed slightly too big, but nothing that could not be magically adjusted. The Animagus shook his head in disbelief, his gaze resting on the gemstone, "You bought it back then? And kept it despite everything? Merlin, Remus, I truly do not deserve you." He raised his hand to the sky, examined his new piece of jewelry against the soft moonlight. "The stone is beautiful. Reminds me of the starlit sky." Remus laughed, pleased that Sirius saw the parallel too, "It reminded me of you."

Together they sat back down in the comfortable sitting area, Sirius' head lying in his lap. Both dreamily looked up, towards the sky, surprisingly clear today and freed of London's light pollution, while the Muggle radio played the soft tunes of late-night rock ballads. Remus had buried one hand in Sirius' hair, the other pulled one of the blankets over them both.

"I think I like 'Sirius Lupin' better," the man in his lap suddenly said with a shy smile, "I've had enough black in my life, quite literally." Remus nodded, knowing what his partner meant. The new name brought a smile to his face.

"I like the sound of that very much."

Here they sat, wrapped up warmly, with sunshine in their hearts and the prospect of a shared future in their veins. _Husbands-to-be_. As Sirius reached for the wine bottle and moved his hand into Remus' field of vision, the lycanthrope could not help but gaze at the ring again, noticing how well it suited Sirius' elegant fingers. The crystal could be a perfect black orb, the sort of blackness that brings memories of perfect starlit nights; yet it could also reflect the light with such vibrancy as to remind one of the galaxy too, of that moment when a flash of light dared to come through the clouds and showed the way home.

As bright as he shone, as clear as he had showed Remus the way home. High above the earth, yet still grounding him.

Sirius- the love of his life. The brightest star in the night sky.


	21. Goodness and Wit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for everyone who is still reading and showing their love for this. It's a nice escape when life gets rough. <3

***

The Great Hall was downright empty for a Friday afternoon, even the house spirits sat in boredom at the respective tables, which were otherwise occupied by students. However, this was not surprising, as the introductory week at Hogwarts was still on and the new first graders were on a guided tour across the campus and its surrounding areas with McGonagall and Flitwick. In addition, a Quidditch game was just about to take place, Ravenclaw vs. Hufflepuff and the rest of the students, including Harry of course, had gathered in the stadium. The game got cancelled in the last season and was therefore rescheduled directly to the first week after the summer break, quite unusual, but it did not seem to bother the students. Yet, Remus did not feel like watching Quidditch today and had been sitting at the staff table for quite some time without paying much attention to the food on his plate.

Arithmancy was quite different from Defense Against the Dark Arts, not only from a student's perspective but also from the teacher's point of view, and it was much more difficult to motivate his students for the subject. Professor Vector had left him all her charts, all her equipment and coding schemes before retiring, and yet, lesson planning was a tough nut to crack. No less exciting, but surely different. Remus had already come up with a few methods to integrate weaker students well into the lessons and spark their interest, but he would have to try them out in the following weeks. It was a bit of a pity that he no longer taught first and second graders now, because Arithmancy could only be chosen in the higher grades. But working with older students also brought many advantages and saved him from having to explain and break things down in a child-friendly way. He had already prepared the coding table on the desk in front of him, they would use it on Monday, and had explicitly matched it with the performance level of his fifth-graders. They would be writing their first O.W.L. final exams in a few months and Remus wanted to equip them as best as possible already to give them the opportunity of long-term preparations.

Next to him, Severus Snape exhaled loudly, obviously annoyed by the meagre basic knowledge of his new first graders, whose first works he was just studying. After their somewhat rough start a year ago, the two men now got along quite well and it had become a regular habit of them to check their respective student essays and homework together in the Great Hall or the faculty room.

Severus had his moods, but ever since their talk, Remus held him in high esteem as an accomplished colleague with whom he liked to discuss and assess various issues. The head of the Slytherin House had become much milder over the last few months, and although he still did not think much of Sirius, so much became clear to Remus through their conversations, he suspected that Severus was beginning to appreciate him as well. After all, they both were almost the youngest members of the college and breathed new life into the team, as Professor Sprout liked to say. According to Harry, Snape had also become more bearable in the classroom itself, which Remus hoped was perhaps related to the fact that he was finally beginning to come to terms with the past. It was good that this had sorted out itself, because now that Remus was Harry's guardian, he would have strongly criticized such treatment of the boy. It bothered him before, but now, Harry was his family, and he had a right to interfere to protect his wellbeing apart from being the boy’s teacher.

Lost in thought, the lycanthrope opened the book lying before him and took a sip from his teacup. It was just lunchtime and yet he was already tired. Sirius had spent an extended evening at the company last night to prepare everything for the visit of his American colleagues today, and Remus had fallen asleep alone, which had felt unfamiliar and unsatisfactory. Luckily, the weekend was about to begin and the two would be able to catch up on some sleep. After his meeting with Dorcas Meadows today, her old friend from Hogwarts days, he would surprise Sirius and pick him up from work. He was looking forward to meeting the lively Dorcas, their last coffee date had been far too long ago.

The former Gryffindor was the only person Remus had kept in contact with during Sirius' imprisonment, albeit rather irregularly out of shame for his own lifestyle. Since they had been living in London, however, they had been seeing Dorcas and her partner Emely weekly and their friendship had deepened again. The two also got along well with Martha and had already taken the amiable Herbologist away for a day in central London several times. Remus looked up briefly when Severus reached for a textbook on Potions, which was lying next to him. The two professors always left a chair between them at the desk, as they both liked to spread out books and papers and this proved to be practical. It had become an unspoken habit between them.

Occasionally, Remus' gaze wandered away from the lines of his book and looked at the banners of the Great Hall. They were different than usual, depicting the Hogwarts coat of arms in golden ornaments. Dumbledore had them made especially for this year's event: This year, Hogwarts was hosting the Triwizard Tournament again, a competition between three schools in a number of magical disciplines. The students of the Beauxbatons Academy of Magic in France and the Durmstrang Institute in Bulgaria would arrive next week. Remus was eagerly awaiting the competition, not knowing what to expect from the match that was unknown to him. He only knew that it was not without danger, after all the competition had been discontinued for decades after several students had been killed. What was Dumbledore thinking? The additional students from the other schools and their different performance levels were a source of concern for Remus in his new subject, but he still felt that he could meet the challenge, which would be demanding. Not only professionally but also linguistically.

Maybe he could convince Sirius to support him a little bit in French so that he could at least help the French students better. However, he did not know anyone who spoke Bulgarian and this would certainly be interesting.

"A flobberworm eats lettuce," Severus suddenly read frustratedly from one of the pages and clasped his hands in front of his face, "thank you for this phenomenal conclusion any six-year-old could come up with."

Remus smiled while his colleague massaged his temples.

"Don't be so hard on them, it's their first week at Hogwarts," he replied with a laugh, "Some of them are certainly more than nervous or away from their families for the first time."

The Potions Master nodded insightfully, although Remus feared that he was still angry inside.

"Be glad you don't teach the younger children anymore," Severus replied plaintively, taking a sip from his teacup, "Starting all over again and again can be so incredibly frustrating."

Remus let a bookmark slide between the pages of his own book and turned to his colleague. "If you like, we can swap," he jokingly suggested while offering his own book to the black-haired man. Snape began to grin, just as Remus had intended. "As much as I am annoyed with them, I would like them to survive the Potions lesson," Snape said amusedly, alluding to Remus' 'talent' for brewing potions during his own school days. Perhaps this was also the reason why the two men now complemented each other so well professionally: Remus infused Severus with more empathy for his students whereas the Slytherin house teacher inspired Remus with his focused and hard-working nature. Sometimes, even Remus needed an extra motivational boost to get to work on the essays that needed to be graded. A good symbiose.

Just when Remus was about to return to his Arithmancy book, Snape groaned quietly, "That's all I needed now, just lovely." The lycanthrope looked at his colleague's distorted face in surprise. In the center aisle of the Great Hall, clearly on his way to the teachers' table, Vanir Adams approached them, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. His reddish hair, which he had tied in a ponytail, made him stand out well between the tables. Severus buried his face in the palm of his hand, for although they had only known each other a week, he was already annoyed by the lively and talkative man. Adams was three years younger than them and did not have much teaching experience either. Despite the fact that he had gone to school with them and apparently could still remember their schooldays quite vividly, his face did not look familiar to Remus. With as many students as Hogwarts already had during the 70s, it was not surprising.

"Hello, guys," said Adams gleefully and joined them, "Did you save me a seat?"

Without hesitation, he sat down on the chair between Remus and Snape. If there was one thing he had learned during the first new week of school, it was that Vanir Adams had no sense of personal space whatsoever. Severus looked down absently as he hastily pulled his papers aside. Remus did not want to show his displeasure, after all, it had only been a year since he himself had been the new colleague and he could understand that the former Ravenclaw was looking for company.

"Hello Vanir, good to see you. Did you watch the match?" Remus asked with a smile.

"Of course!" Adams replied with bright eyes, "A little house-pride won't hurt, am I right?” The lycanthrope grinned, while Snape only sneered over the edge of his teacup.

"Thanks again for your papers and lesson plans, Remus, they have already helped me a great deal," the red-haired man continued, placing his coffee pot on the table, "Without your help, I would have been pretty much lost. Teaching is not as easy as one always imagines it to be.”

Remus nodded, "You're welcome!" His start a year ago would have been a lot easier if he had gotten some expert help too, but Gilderoy Lockhart was not really to be considered. Adams seemed different and although he was inexperienced and insecure, Remus believed he would do well in the future. At least the lycanthrope hoped so, because his new colleague was also quite clumsy, which could be disastrous especially in a practical subject like D.A.D.A.

"I used to be really bad at Arithmancy myself," Adams began, leaning forward, "I even had to deselect it because I probably wouldn't have passed it. One might guess I'm not good at classical logic after all, even though I was top of my class."

As he leaned even further forward, nonchalantly reaching for Remus' textbook, he pushed his coffee cup over with his elbow and it noisily fell to the floor. Some students looked up from their lunch because of the loud bang. The brown liquid now spread all over Remus' papers and slowly, the lycanthrope began to understand why Severus had put his things away so quickly at the sight of Adams.

"I'm such a clodpole, sorry, Remus," Vanir nervously stammered while taking out his wand. But then he paused, thinking. "What was the cleaning spell again?" Snape closed his eyes and Remus was glad that the Potions Master kept his nasty sophistry to himself and preferred to stay silent, even though he obviously found it difficult. He spoke a quick _Tergeo_ himself, which effectively removed the coffee from his papers before the situation became too embarrassing for Adams.

"No harm done, fortunately we have magic for that," Remus said reassuringly before putting his now dry papers into his bag. Vanir once again looked him in the eye apologetically and then picked up his coffee cup from the floor,a red blush on his cheeks.

"What do you have planned for the weekend? Are the pubs in Hogsmeade any good? I have never actually been there as a student,"he blattered, obviously trying to change the subject.

Remus exchanged a quick glance with Snape, the idea of sitting in a pub in a threesome amused him. "I'm afraid I'm busy this weekend, but I can highly recommend the Three Broomsticks, the pub is quite nice and has a large selection of drinks," said the lycanthrope, while Adams magically repaired his coffee cup.

"Thanks for the tip. What do you think, Severus, do you have time for a little pub crawl tomorrow?"

Snape's face turned three shades paler and before he could decline, Remus interfered and came to his aid. "Why don't we all go there together the following weekend? This way, we can ask Minerva and the others too."

Perhaps a collegial outing was just what their team needed, and Snape would probably be more willing to come along if he was not alone with Adams. Vanir's eyes started to shine, "This is a great idea, Remus. This way I can get to know you all even better." Severus muttered something that Remus could not quite understand. His transformation was not for another two weeks and he luckily felt no signs of the wolf yet, not even the sharpened hearing.

“Next weekend it is then,” said Remus and slowly pushed his chair back, "I have a date and better be on my way now. Sorry that I could not make it today. Have a nice weekend!" Snape and Adams returned his farewell and while the Potions Master quickly finished the rest of his tea, presumably to get away from Adams as qfast as possible, he was already involved in the next conversation by the lively redhead.

Vanir was certainly not lacking in extroversion, but maybe that was exactly what Snape needed sometimes. Halfway through the hall, groups of students suddenly rolled in, probably the remaining spectators of the apparently short Quidditch game. After a few seconds, Remus saw Harry too, accompanied by Ronald. Both had Hufflepuff scarves on, presumably borrowed to support the favorite Quidditch team in terms of color. Remus walked up to them.

"Hi, you two! It seems that Hufflepuff has won?" Ron nodded and Harry began to talk enthusiastically. "Cedric, the Hufflepuff seeker, is absolutely unbeatable. He caught the snitch after only twenty minutes. It's crazy!"

Remus knew that Ron and Harry had met Amos Diggory's son a few months earlier at the Quidditch World Championship, which Arthur had taken them to. Since then, the slightly older boy had been a frequent topic of conversation.

"I think Cedric must be wary of fangirls and fanboys like you, Harry," Ron joked and Harry's cheeks blushed, "good guy has enough admirers as it is."

"I just think he's a fantastic player, that's all," the black-haired boy replied embarrassed and Remus smiled. "Are you going home for the weekend?" Harry asked quickly, ignoring Ron's gaze. The lycanthrope nodded, "Yes, I'm meeting Dorcas today and then picking up Sirius from work. If that's all right with you." Although he had spent many weekends at Grimmauld place already, Remus wanted to make sure Harry did not feel neglected each time anew. Wanted to make sure he was comfortable with him leaving. He always did that, always asked whenever there was time, even though he knew Harry was used to much less personal attention. However, Remus had never done this before, had never been someone's guardian and did not want to mess it up. It was something he really wanted to do right for once. 

"Sure," Harry replied, "the Hufflepuff house party will be in a few hours and as members of the Quidditch team, Ron and I are also invited.”

"And Cedric will be there as well," smirked Ron mockingly, his head raising up between them. Harry punched him in the side, effectively silencing him.

"Have fun and please behave yourselves," Remus said humorously. "After all, I have a reputation as a teacher to lose."

Harry gave him a hug, "Give Sirius a hug from me too, okay? I miss him already." Remus laughed as he returned Harry's embrace, hearty and way too tight, "I mustn't tell him, or he'll personally be at Hogwarts by tomorrow."

The boy giggled, following Ron back to the group table. As he walked away, he turned to Remus once more, mouthing a short "Love you!" Harry had been doing this for a few months now, and Remus found himself overjoyed each time. It was one of the highest compliments anyone could give him. And it still felt weird because someone like him, someone equally broken and healed, would have never even dreamed about a teenager looking up to him. Sharing this bond of deep and unconditional trust with him. Harry behaved as if he was his own son, a beautiful but also scary thought. Remus would never want to get in James' way, would never want Harry to think higher of him than his own father, but being Harry's guardian had brought them closer together. A great deal. And it felt right. Caring felt right.

Sirius had a similar experience. After Harry had said the meaningful words to the Animagus for the first time, one month before school had started again, the man had kept his head before bursting into tears of joy, alone with Remus in their bedroom. It meant the world to both of them that Harry accepted them so well, despite only knowing each other for a year. They were certainly not as good as James and Lily would have been, not even close, but Harry was happy and that was all that mattered. It was their life now, their own little family bond. 

Grinning slightly, Remus looked at his wristwatch, realizing that he had not moved an inch, which was probably weird. In half an hour he would meet Dorcas in central London. Before that, he wanted to hurry home to change his clothes. His long robe and cloak would not attract much attention in London, but he still felt more comfortable in everyday clothes. It was nevertheless convenient that they lived in London and that the tolerant Muggles had become accustomed to any kind of clothing. They could even go out wearing long cloaks because even conspicuously dressed people like Dumbledore hardly stood out in the colorful city. Not that he would dare that too often, but it was an option. London was a great place to live, much nicer and less stressful than he had expected. 

He smiled as he unlocked the door to his office, which he fortunately had not been required to give to Vanir when starting to teach Arithmancy. Most of his own stuff was still in the nicely-equipped room but since he had a second, much nicer office at home now, working in here had become a rarity. Setting his teacup down on his desk, Remus' thoughts drifted back to Harry. Just a few days ago, Sirius just told him that Harry seemed to talk a lot about Cedric Diggory these days and perhaps there was more to the boy's sporting admiration than he let on. However, Remus did not want to jump to conclusions and would only take up the subject in the boy's presence if Harry decided to confide in him. Seeing Harry being social, being a good friend to others, made him internally happy. Even the Dursleys and their questionable upbringing had not managed to destroy this trait within the boy. Lily's goodness and James' wit sat too deep.

The werewolf summoned his coat and quickly stepped into the fireplace in front of him. It was neither his style to be late nor did he want to keep Dorcas waiting.


	22. Forbidden Prospects

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really appreciate every single kudo and comment, especially since my depression has been really bad lately. Thank you, dear readers. <3

***

For it being only September, an extremely cool wind blew in London today and Remus quickly buttoned up his grey coat, which he had originally intended to leave open, as he changed sides of the street. Sirius said it looked more fashionable that way, whatever that meant.

Dorcas owned a small café in Muggle London, near Great Portland Street, and whenever they met, the playful woman brought a coffee-to-go, one of the best ones Remus knew. He had hurried so much with changing and apparating that he was now almost ten minutes early, like he had been so often in the past, but he preferred to wait rather than to be late. The "Magicalia", the name was perfectly chosen, seemed to be more than well attended today, because through the shop window, Remus could recognize many visitors even from far away. If there was one thing British wizards and Muggles had in common, it was their enjoyment of warm drinks. 

Dorcas was now the only owner and hardly worked there herself, so he waited for his friend in front of the colorful shop, wooden panels looking like a rainbow - a splash of color in the grey autumnal streets of London. Admittedly, the location for the café could not have been better, as many of the busy Muggles enjoyed their lunch break there. Whether for breakfast, lunch or before closing time - coffee was always a good choice. When he saw his reflection in the windowpane of the store, Remus had to smile, because the wind had blown his hair in all directions, making him look as if he had jogged all the way to the café. He straightened it with a quick hand gesture and could literally hear Sirius' words ringing in his ears:

_How can you be so wonderfully elegant and messy at the same time?_

The description met his style quite well, because although he could afford much better clothes now, he often still chose basics. Better fabrics and styles but still basic colors, basic patterns. An old habit probably.

Suddenly he was embraced by two hands that covered his eyes. They felt cold on his skin. "Boo! Who am I?" said a low female voice, no doubt coming from Dorcas. "Hmm," Remus answered in a playfully contemplative manner, "her majesty the Queen herself?" His friend started laughing and Remus turned around to face her. "Correct answer!" Dorcas wore a mustard yellow sweater and a blue washed-out denim jacket; her long brown hair was tied back into a high ponytail. Smiling, she fell around his neck and the two of them kissed each other on the cheek, something he had only ever done in this specific friendship. The lycanthrope was usually more reserved and not as physical as one might expect due to his politeness.

"I hope you haven't waited too long, Remus," the beaming witch began, handing him one of the paper cups of coffee, the logo of her café on them, just as he had predicted. "You're such a Mister Charming, always on time, over-punctual even. Makes me feel bad for being here just now." The lycanthrope smiled, "I have to compensate for my better half's sense of time somehow." Sirius really was always late for private meetings, or any meetings in general, even though he never meant any harm. The professor could not think of a time where his soulmate had ever been somewhere too early.

"O stop it! His time management rubs off on me when I'm around him for too long, and Emely is already complaining," Dorcas replied with a grin, "Shall we take a walk through Regent's Park?"

Remus nodded, the fresh air and some exercise would do him good. "Sure, and thanks for the coffee."

The park was only a few meters away from the café and Remus could see the pigmented autumn leaves of the old trees before they had crossed the street. It was especially beautiful here during fall because the magnificent colors of nature were now most evident. The shades were so bold and homely, strong and contrasting, and yet also a reminder that England was in its last month of harvest before winter set in. Before, autumn had always been the season of death for him, as every falling leaf had reminded him of all the losses in his own life, but now he no longer thought of it that way. Now, autumn was furtive and peaceful and joyfully colorful, a season of rest and comfort, just as it should be.

Next to him, Dorcas also buttoned up her denim jacket, apparently, she, too, was cold despite the gently shining sun. She took a sip from her coffee cup, her burgundy fingernails curled around the beverage. "So, how is Hogwarts and your new subject? Is it stressful?" Remus shook his head, "This time I knew what I was getting into and Professor Vector fortunately gave me lots of tips. Nevertheless, it is of course a new challenge, especially when it comes to motivating the students." Dorcas began to grin, showing off the fine dimples she had since their teenage years, "You are so exemplary, Remus. Getting used to new situations that fast and everything." She took another sip, "I knew why I did not choose Arithmancy in our third year. Marlene had told me about it many times and, to be honest, it would have been too difficult for me. Never was my cup of tea."

Her smile disappeared, "Do you ever think back to our school days? About how much has changed? I keep catching myself wondering what Marlene would be doing today if she were still alive. If she ever got the chance to grow older. Or Lily and James."

Remus looked down at his shoes, seeing that their color matched the brown leaves which were lying on the ground. He had processed the deaths of his friends pretty well by now and yet, he sometimes wondered exactly the same.

"I'm sure they would be proud of what we have achieved," he said in a calm voice, giving Dorcas' hand a light squeeze. The brown-haired witch nodded slowly and bent down to pick up one of the autumn leaves. It was dark red, quite aesthetically pleasing. "Marlene would love the café, she and Emely are so similar," her cheeks blushed slightly. "I guess I must have a type."

Remus smiled, looking into his friend's eyes to assess her feelings. "There's nothing wrong with that. As hard as it sounds, life goes on and we're right in the middle of it. We dealt with so much loss at such a young age, no wonder it left scars. But not all of our scars are bad. At the very least, they made us the persons we are today." Dorcas linked arms with him, a gesture he had gotten used to as well.

"Right! A few years ago, I could have never imagined being where I am now. I mean look at us, we all have great jobs, we live in London and date the best people you can wish for. Damn, you two are even getting married in less than six months, unbelievable!"

"Crazy, right?"

Although Remus was more than aware of this, the thought still seemed unreal to him. Especially when someone uttered it. In six months, he would marry the love of his life, quite literally considering that Sirius was his very first love, and give him his last name.

_Sirius Lupin._

What an indescribable feeling.

"You two are the best example of how true love never fades," Dorcas said dreamily, clasping his arm tighter, "A genuine love story since 1977 and all because of the Christmas ball in our seventh year."

Remus made a grimace; he still remembered the strangest but also most beautiful night of his youth. The moment when Sirius and he had finally confessed their mutual love for each other.

"I would say you had your share then," Remus replied amusedly while Dorcas rummaged through her shoulder bag, "Marlene as well. I would have been way too shy to make the first move."

"Oh I am convinced of that," she laughed, fetching a thin cigarette.

"Do you mind if I smoke?" the woman asked and looked up at him, but when Remus only shook his head, the sassy witch looked around, presumably making sure no Muggles were watching, and then conjured a fire spell in her hand. The yellow flame ignited the cigarette instantly and Dorcas blew out the minty smoke as if nothing had happened. "Emely hates it when I smoke, so I really don't do it much anymore. But considering the circumstances, who knows how long I can still do it," she said with a wink and made the cigarette dance between her fingers. It did not bother the lycanthrope if someone smoked in his presence and it happened less and less often anyway. Sirius had largely given up smoking, falling back into old patterns only under great stress or when being drunk, and he knew no one at Hogwarts who smoked. At least not with him being around.

After a few seconds, however, Dorcas' words echoed in his head. _Considering the circumstances_. No way!

Remus' eyes widened and he stopped abruptly, the words gushing out of his mouth like a waterfall. "Are you pregnant? Or is Emely?" The woman threw her head back laughing, her eyes clearly impressed by Remus’ deduction. "Professor Lupin, you sly fox! But no, we're not pregnant yet, we're just planning to be." She slowly fixed her ponytail, which had loosened slightly, while Remus beamed joyfully. "We finally want to take the step and feel ready to become parents. After all, we are not getting any younger." She took a drag from her cigarette, wrapping the two in a cloud of smoke after exhaling. "Unfortunately it's not so easy for us, you know what I'm talking about. We really want to have a child, but the idea of having one from a random stranger is somehow more than awkward and bizarre. We don't really feel comfortable doing that, you know? But I don't need to tell you this, you must have the same problem."

Remus ran his hand through his hair, slightly embarrassed. "To be honest, I've never talked to Sirius about this, but I can't imagine he would like to have children. Especially since we have Harry, and he has already become like a son to both of us."

He took a sip from his coffee cup, tasting the warm brew that ran down his throat. "I don't think a baby is a good idea for someone like me either." Dorcas poked him in the sides, "Nonsense! Do you even see how you are with Harry? You are the perfect parents already and I never thought I would say this, but even Sirius is such a mother hen. He would hunt down anyone who laid a finger on Harry."

The professor smiled; Dorcas was not wrong.

"Actually, I was referring to the lycanthropy. Not exactly the safest environment for a child. Harry understands it quite well and we have a good handle on the situation with him, but a child wouldn't understand." He sat down on a park bench at the edge of a small fountain, "Especially since I don't know if lycanthropy is hereditary, which is certainly the worst thing you could do to a child."

Dorcas' smile faded gradually, nothing he liked to see. "I'm so sorry you have to go through all this, Remus, it's just awful." She picked up another maple leaf that had just fallen onto the bench near them. "I still regret that I didn't know about your condition for so many years and was too stupid to put one and one together. Nevertheless, I am very sure that you have everything well under control. It could be worth talking to a doctor, though. You know, just to be sure what form of lycanthropy you have.”

They looked each other in the eyes and after a few seconds, Dorcas started to grin bashfully again. Remus tilted his head, wondering what his friend was thinking of.

"What is it?"

"Nothing!" she replied quickly, her hands tearing small pieces of the leaf she had just picked up.

"Come on, tell me what you were just thinking about," Remus grinned with raised eyebrows.

Dorcas kicked out her cigarette stub on the ground and made the butt magically fly into the nearest trash bin. "It was really just a stupid thought. Emely once told me that if we got pregnant, it would be best if we were pregnant together. Well, and since we both have a similar problem, neither of us four can have a child naturally, the whole situation just reminded me of the Christmas ball at Hogwarts and how we four helped each other out."

Remus' own cheeks were now turning red, he felt the heat under his skin. Something that happened quite rarely. Had Dorcas just seriously considered having children together? The brown-haired witch seemed to sense his embarrassment and immediately reacted.

"I told you, it was just a stupid idea, just a thought." She laughed nervously; a laugh Remus had never heard before.

The lycanthrope shook his head. From Dorcas' reaction he could clearly see that the suggestion was not just a spontaneous thought.

 _I wonder if she talked to Sirius about it as well_.

"No, by all means, it's anything but stupid," he began with well-chosen words. "In fact, it would be a brilliant idea, if it wasn't for the part of...well, physical intimacy."

Dorcas started laughing, this time it was her usual exuberant giggle, "Jeez! You're cute Remus, of course we wouldn't sleep with each other. I love you and Sirius, but I don't think either of us would go that far." She moistened her lips, "No, of course it would all be done artificially at St Mungo’s." Remus swallowed, feeling silly. Of course! Now he was the one who sniggered, shaking his head because of his own naivety.

If he was completely honest with himself, he could easily imagine raising a child with Sirius. Both undoubtedly had their faults, hurdles that would not make it easy for them to raise their own offspring, but still they would certainly grow with the new challenge. Just as they had grown with taking care of Harry. Just as they had overcome everything during their relationship. And they would also have Martha to support them.

 _Stop_!

In order not to delve too deeply into the idea and linger in a scenario that Sirius was most likely not yet aware of or would not appreciate, let alone want, Remus rose from the bench to continue their walk. Today was a good day, everything seemed possible and the future seemed easy and bright, but he was quite sure that this would change during the next transformation at the latest. Life always caught up with him.

Remus was no ordinary man and could already consider himself lucky that Sirius remained so unconditionally loyal to him, albeit going through these monthly strains. A child was no perspective for him. He should not even think about it.

"Cat got your tongue?" Dorcas asked amusedly and only now Remus realized that he had not said anything for quite a while. He chuckled, "No, sorry, I was just thinking."

Dorcas gave him one of her typical smug looks, "You see, the issue doesn't let you go after all. Maybe you should talk to Sirius about his general attitude towards biological children." She began to laugh, "Whenever I'm out with him now, he talks about Harry so much. I think he wouldn't be averse to the idea of another child." Remus nodded, he knew what she meant. What she tried to do. "I know, you have no idea how much he misses him when the boy is at Hogwarts. Even though he would never admit it."

His friend sighted, looking up into the shimmering crowns of the autumn trees. "He has always been like that. So tough on the outside, a well-kept facade, but so unspeakably loving and tender on the inside." Sirius was indeed one of the few people in Remus' life to whom the expression 'hard shell, soft core' applied more than a little. This duality made him especially interesting in Remus’ opinion. Especially precious.

The lycanthrope briefly turned away from Dorcas to throw his empty coffee cup into one of the trash cans.

"And Emely? Do you think it would be advisable for you to be pregnant at the same time?" His friend scratched the back of her head. "Her mom and she are quite fond of the idea, and I'm also slowly beginning to see the benefits of this plan. This way, we would both have to rest and neither of us could mother the other too much. You know how Emely can be sometimes when there is no good reason to take a break."

Dorcas' girlfriend always took care of everyone else, even beyond her job. She was a born doctor with helper syndrome, the mom of each group, which, in some cases, was a difficult combination of traits.

The witch smiled shyly, "Besides, the connection to the baby is stronger once we have both felt it and we could take turns breastfeeding our baby when the other one of us is giving milk anyway."

Remus stroked Dorcas' shoulder, the sudden urge to give them his blessing suddenly stronger. "I am sure you will be fantastic parents. Hardly anyone is as well prepared as you are. Mama bear!"

The shrewd woman bit her lower lip, unclipping her hair so that her long brown strands fell across her back. "Shut it! If anyone has experience with children here, it is you, daddy-o. Having a teenager and being able to handle this difficult phase of life so well even though it's a zero to hundred change is not something anyone can brag about."

Both laughed, loud and unhinged, and Remus was happy to have such a free-spirited friendship with Dorcas and Emely. It meant a lot to him.

When the two of them arrived back at the café after two hours, the time with Dorcas always passed by incredibly fast, the sky had slightly clouded up and dark rain clouds now covered the eager autumn sun. Many of the Muggle guests had meanwhile left the café, because the end of the workday was approaching slowly in the busy neighborhood. "Would you like to come in for a moment?" asked the dark-haired woman, pointing with her elbow to her store. Remus shook his head, "Thank you, but I was thinking of visiting Sirius at work today. The Americans arrived today, and I think his day was accordingly stressful." Dorcas made a face, "I can only imagine, poor him!" She started laughing, "Or rather poor Americans. When Black gets in a bad mood after a few hours, the only thing you can do is save yourself. Run from the beast."

Remus straightened his scarf, "Precisely! That's exactly why I better pick him up, hopefully to get his mood back up again." His fiancé loved his job, but whenever it consisted of a whole day full of over-friendly interactions with various business partners, he could literally read the tension in Sirius' face in the evening. The lycanthrope could not imagine how his better half would cope in retail, or worse, as a professor, in a job where you had to be patient with people all around the clock. Remus had to smile at the thought. One week and there would be killings.

"I know what helps on days like these, hold on," Dorcas suddenly said, seconds before disappearing into her café.

She returned with another coffee-to-go cup in her hand.

"I don't know if it's enough, but if he drinks this, he'll know that it comes from me with lots of love," Dorcas said with a mischievous smile.

Remus took the warm cup, "Love or a shot of whiskey?" he asked with a prudent look. Dorcas winked at him, while her long hair was ruffled by the wind.

"I don't even know what you mean."

The two hugged each other. Although the woman was more than a little bit shorter than he was, her embraces were stronger than any Remus had ever received. "Please give my best to Emely when she comes home from her late shift at St Mungo’s," the lycanthrope said as they separated again.

"Will do, take care!" his friend replied with a wave when he disappeared around the corner.

As long as it was not raining, he would walk the rest of the way to the office. Central London was not that big after all - something a lot of his friends would probably disagree with. He also had some time to spare, as Sirius normally never left the office before five o'clock.

Time to walk. Time to think.


	23. Dream and Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys, as usual. I appreciate each and everyone of you so damn much. Enjoy! <3

***

When Remus arrived in front of the large building covered with glass panes, it started to rain. He had timed his little walk perfectly. Many offices in the complex were already deserted and dark from the outside, yet still visible because of the light coming from outside. Quite the contrast to the sturdy stone walls of Hogwarts, where it was always dark when no candles were lit. Almost like another part of the world - from the Scottish Highlands right down to central London within less than an hour. Magic made it possible.

It was not only the Muggle world that liked Friday for an early closing time. In the entrance hall of the building, which was equipped with a huge modern waiting area, several chairs and tables, a vending machine and other, more secluded, sitting elements in the corners, Remus was welcomed by Hailey Meyers, the receptionist. "Good afternoon, Remus," chanted the little blonde woman through the deserted room and the lycanthrope walked towards her, immediately recognizing her soft voice.

"I did not expect to see you today!" He smiled, holding the coffee mug in her field of vision.

"Hi there! I'm here more or less as a surprise visit. Quite spontaneous. Is he still upstairs?"

Hailey nodded and took off her scarlet glasses in order to clean them, "He is indeed! But I would be careful though, his mood leaves much to be desired. You know, today was quite a full day."

Remus smiled; it was just as Dorcas had suspected. "I almost thought so after this morning," Remus replied with a neutral face, "I hope the Americans didn't notice it too much? Do you know anything?"

Hailey shook her head smiling. Of course she knew. She miraculously always picked up on anything, even though the office was not exactly a little family establishment. "Oh no, don't worry, it's not that bad. I think it only stands out when you work with him every day. You know, you get used to people's faces. His looks speak volumes."

The professor took off his coat, silently hanging it in the almost empty coat rack next to Hailey's table, which he normally would not do but somehow felt the urge to do this time.

"I can only imagine! I guess I better hurry then."

As the elevator doors closed, Remus wondered what the large office building looked like to the Muggles, as the entrance hall was being shared with a non-magical law firm. The elevators were probably enchanted, indicating a defect or error to curious Muggles whenever they wanted to use them. That must be why Hailey was dressed so normally, no wand in sight, it was not even noticeable that she was a witch at all. However, it was most likely no big deal for her either, because Remus knew from their time at Hogwarts that the former Ravenclaw came from a Muggle home. Even though Hailey was much younger than him, he did remember her through Madame Prince's book club, which Hailey had visited regularly. What a fateful coincidence that she was now working here too. It was as if fate brought the old Hogwarts students back together.

Arriving on the thirteenth floor, the man knocked on Sirius' office door without further ado, not wanting to let the coffee in his hand cool down completely. Cold coffee was certainly not what Sirius wanted right now. Dorcas had most probably forgotten to put a heating charm on it, she never bothered to do so. Voices were emanating from one of the adjacent rooms, but they did not sound familiar to Remus, so he did not turn around to look where they were coming from exactly.

Sirius responded to his knocking with a quick " _yes"_ , such a short word and yet so full of tension. The professor could hear his fiancé's annoyance just from this one word, something he had managed to perfect during their school day. And it was still the same - not a good sign.

"What is it?" Sirius asked, his head lowered and resting in his palms, massaging his temples when Remus entered. But when he looked up, his eyes began to glow.

"Thank god it's you!" the Animagus exclaimed, quickly rising from his desk to fall into Remus' open arms, "My patience is really hanging by a thread and it won't be long before I lose my mind." He laid his forehead on Remus' shoulder and the latter stroked his lover’s back with a gentle smile. "Hey there. Hailey has already warned me and I brought you a little refreshment," Remus said after kissing the exhausted man on the top of the head.

"I hope it has not cooled down too much."

Sirius took a big sip from the coffee cup without hesitation, then laughed loudly, twisting his face slightly.

"Nice try, Dorcas!"

Consequently, Remus snatched the drink out of his hand, taking a sip from the cup himself, grimacing when the coffee touched his lips. "Wow, uh, it is way stronger than I expected."

Sirius shrugged, placing the cup on his desk, "You think so? Anyway, just what I need right now."

With raised eyebrows, the lycanthrope sat down on Sirius' desk, looking at his fiancé. The man looked tired indeed; his eyes slightly red and surrounded by dark circles, his face pale. But also beguiling, as pretty as ever, and although it was inconvenient at the moment, Remus could not help but look at the new white tailored shirt and how fantastic it suited the Animagus. It really looked extraordinarily good on him, showed his lean body in a flattering way, his tattoos peeking out on his chest and forearms. Though probably even a potato sack would look good on Sirius Black - the man could pull off everything.

"Are you ready to go home yet?" he asked as Sirius made no effort to continue with his work. "Physically, I've been ready to go home for a few hours now, but I still have to send out that one letter to Mr. Waterstone," Sirius replied, holding his hand in front of his mouth, yawning.

"Did the Americans wear you out this much?" Remus asked smilingly, pulling his beloved closer to him.

"Don't even get me started," Sirius sighed annoyingly, putting his left hand in his trouser pocket, "If I have to hear one more joke about my first or last name, I swear to god I'll throw someone out the window."

He ran his hand through his hair, his voice getting higher pitched as he imitated one of his colleagues. "Look at me, I'm so funny! Hopefully, you're not the 'black sheep' of the company, Mr. Black, but I 'seriously' doubt it."

Sirius smacked his palm against his forehead. "Honestly, they are genuinely nice lads, but after today, I can do without people for a little while," the black-haired man continued.

Remus grinned, the thought that Sirius' coworkers were such jokers amused him. "All the better that you will only carry this name for a few more months now, Mr. Lupin-to-be," he said in a gentle tone, wrapping his index finger around a strand of his fiancé's hair that hung over his shoulder. Sirius chuckled, a deep undertone in his voice, leaning forward to give Remus a kiss.

"Indeed!"

Their kiss tasted like whiskey, a truly unusual taste considering their surroundings, and when they separated, Remus started laughing, the aroma reminding him more of a bar evening than a normal working day.

"Merlin, what did Dorcas put in that coffee? It's all I can taste! Where is the coffee?"

Sirius smiled, but before he could answer, there was a knock at the door. The man's face darkened abruptly, and Remus nudged him in the side, wordlessly indicating that he should not face anyone with this reproachful look. Even though he was annoyed by any further interactions today, he still had to pull himself together a bit. They were not in school any longer.

The head of the marketing department, Mrs. Reid, came into the room. Remus had seen the middle-aged woman several times before but could not exactly remember their last encounter. She was accompanied by a man he did not know. Probably one of the Americans.

When the tanned man saw Remus, he began to approach him with an astonished expression on his face. "I don't think I've met you before," he said with a strong accent, "Aziel Garcia is my name, I'm the product manager from Washington." Remus rose from the table and, with a smile, shook the man's hand. "Remus Lupin, it is a pleasure. But I don't work here," he looked smugly over at Sirius, "I'm just here to help Mr. Black take his well-deserved leave." Garcia and Reid started chuckling. "Then you're up to the same thing we are," the stocky woman added, "We were just going to ask if we all wanted to go for a drink."

Garcia nodded his head in agreement, "My colleagues and I are in London for the first time and want to enjoy a bit of English culture. Mr. Baker has promised to show us around a bit." Garcia's face was friendly and although he was at most a few years older than the two of them, his temples were already greying. Remus looked over at Sirius and could see in his face that he was not exactly thrilled by the idea. Normally, his fiancé would never turn down such an offer, he was an absolute night owl, but after today, even he was too exhausted for his usual shenanigans.

"I think I'm going to have to pass today," said Sirius, taking another sip from the coffee cup, "I feel a bit under the weather and I'd better let the evening end quietly tonight. You know, call it a day." He gave the two of them one of his typical charming grins, "Next week however, I'll be ready for all the turpitudes of this world."

The American colleagues resided in a hotel right in central London and would stay for a week, so there was plenty of time for more social gatherings. Garcia let his jacket appear with a short magical hand gesture, "I hope so, we can't leave England without having toasted together once." He looked from Sirius to Remus. "But after all your effort and meetings today, I can understand why you just want to go home to your family.”

"Precisely," the Animagus embraced Remus' arm, and the lycanthrope recognized in Garcia's suddenly changing mischievous look that he probably only now realized that Sirius and he were a couple.

"I see, who am I to get in the middle of your plans?" said the broad-shouldered American teasingly as he slipped his dark blue jacket over his shoulders. "You two have a nicely relaxed evening and I'll see you on Monday!"

He turned to Remus once more, "It was nice meeting you, Mr. Lupin."

Remus gave him another smile, "The pleasure's all mine."

Before Reid and Garcia left the room, Sirius spoke once again. "Remember, English culture is better consumed peu á peu. I don't want you to get a culture shock." It was true, even though America was probably not that much different. At least when it came to drinking culture. Laughingly, Reid and Garcia closed the door behind them.

When they were alone in the room again, Sirius threw the empty coffee mug into the trash and Remus smiled, amused by the thought that he had obviously needed Dorcas' strong brew.

"Garcia and Reid are fine, both are very likeable people," the Animagus said, stretching out his arms above his head. "I'm glad it was them and not that Peter Wright guy. Not only is his name Peter, which kinda bugs me on its own, but he's the one who's always making those sordid jokes." Remus could well imagine that the name 'Peter' was not necessarily music to his fiancé's ears after everything that happened, although of course the person had nothing to do with it.

Sirius turned off the light at his desk, clearly sure to call it a day after all.

"You know what? Let's have our relaxed evening now, like Garcia said. Fuck it. Mr. Waterstone won't mind if I send the letter on Monday. I'm done."

Remus shook his head, waving his fingers through the air to switch off Sirius' desk lamp, while the latter had already half-rushed to the door, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

***

Luckily, it had stopped raining outside and the London scenery was now bathed in a yellow evening light, partly from the streetlights and partly because of the slowly setting evening sun. The streets had also become fuller, as the last Muggles were now driving home from work. Sirius held out his outstretched hand, silently telling him to get closer, and Remus gladly took it in his own. The fingers of the Animagus were soft and cold, just as always.

"Tired of walking already or can we take a little walk as well?" Sirius asked, voice raised over the honking of a car.

"I haven't been outside today much and miss breathing."

It sounded funny but the lycanthrope knew what his fiancé meant. Sometimes, especially for Sirius who had lived so many years of his life in complete isolation, people were stifling, confining. 

He stroked the back of Sirius' hand with his thumb. "Then let's go down to the banks of the Thames and enjoy the last rays of sunshine." Hand in hand, both men crossed the street, turning into a less crowded byroad. After the rain shower, the temperature had strangely risen, and Remus unbuttoned his coat, the sudden heat too inviting to wear his coat openly as an "it-piece", just as the Animagus had always advised him to do.

Sirius, who was distractedly following one of the planes in the sky with his clear grey eyes, began to smile. "How was your day today, love? Did you tell Harry you're spending the weekend here?"

Remus loved that special smile on his fiancé's lips because it was so open and peaceful, as if all the stress of today's workday had already been forgotten. "The students were more motivated than usual," he answered truthfully, "probably because of the upcoming Quidditch game which followed, Hufflepuff vs. Ravenclaw." The lycanthrope smiled as well, "I tell you, more than half the school is obsessed with Quidditch."

Sirius chuckled, "Quite understandably. Who won?"

The Animagus and James had played Quidditch throughout their school days and he still continued to practice various techniques with Harry as soon as the boy was at home. Of course, without a broom, their house was not that isolated after all.

"Hufflepuff won," Remus said mischievously, "much to the delight of Harry, who told me all about Cedric again after the game. He and Ron are also invited to the Hufflepuffs' party tonight."

Sirius raised an eyebrow, "The Diggory boy? Harry's been talking about him quite a bit lately, don't you think?" When Remus just nodded, the raven-haired man dramatically threw his head back.

"Harry mustn't grow up yet, it's all way too fast for me. Someone stop the time right now!"

A few meters more and the two of them had reached the riverside path, Remus could already see the shimmering water of the Thames, calm and glistening in the sunlight.

"There is no stopping it, sorry babe. Harry is a fully pubescent teenager now," he said matter-of-factly and gave a little kiss to the back of his fiancé's hand. "Before we know it, he will bring home his first boyfriend or girlfriend." Sirius nodded, a tired grin on his face. "Mind-boggling right? I know I can't turn back time, but I deeply regret not having seen him grow up. I just missed so much it's unfair." The black-haired man breathed out loudly, his shoulders lowering. "It would have been so nice to see all the other milestones of his life, you know? To see his first day at school, his childhood and how happy he would have been with his friends. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I will never see all of this."

The path along the banks of the Thames was almost completely deserted, unusual for a Friday afternoon. But all the better that no curious Muggles could accidentally listen to their conversation. Remus lifted their intertwined hands, looking at Sirius' engagement ring, dark crystal sparkling in the soft sunlight.

"Hey now, didn't you once say that there are many first times in life? Harry has so many things still ahead of him, so many things in which we can accompany him." He tilted his head, wetting his lips, "Who knows, maybe something will happen between him and Cedric Diggory and we will soon have dinner with the two of them at home. Time will tell."

Sirius stopped, abruptly, so suddenly that Remus frowned.

"Wait a minute! Isn't Cedric seventeen already?" his fiancé asked in a questioning tone of voice, his mouth formed into a straight line, "A bit old, don't you think?"

The lycanthrope burst into barking laughter. It was too funny that Sirius-seductive-Black, of all people, would say something like that. Dorcas was right, he had become a true mother hen.

"Look who’s talking! Didn't you hook up with Burvis Greengras in our fifth year? He was in his last year at Hogwarts then too."

Sirius rolled his eyes but could not help smiling. He had probably hoped Remus had forgotten about the incident. "That's hardly the point now, those were very different times, and I was a fucked-up teenager," Sirius mumbled quickly, embarrassedly looking into Remus' eyes. "Besides, it was like you said, just a hook-up, but Harry actually seems to have a crush on the Diggory boy, huh?"

Remus scratched the back of his head. "Let's wait and see. Perhaps we are interpreting too much into Harry's admiration. After all, this is new territory for both of us."

Both men continued their walk, hand in hand, when a group of tourists stopped near them. Sirius tugged his hair back.

"Yeah, let's see. But, technically, you could observe Cedric a bit in class, keep an eye on him and see if he would be a bad influence on Harry."

Remus giggled, delighted at how Sirius clearly could not let the situation unfold on its own. "I am a professor, not a spy, love," he said with an amused grin. "In class, Cedric is an eager and inquisitive student and that's all I need to know." He put one arm around the black-haired man's narrow shoulders. "Plus, you were a bad influence on me, too, and look where we are now."

It was true and although Remus was not as innocent as he let on, James and Sirius had always been the real troublemakers of their group. Or at least they were the ones who used to get caught.

Without hesitation, Remus put both arms around his fiancé, lifted him up and set him down on the wall that separated the river water from the cobblestone path. Sirius, who was now taller than him sitting on the elevation, pulled the professor closer to him, clearly enjoying being taller for once.

"Take that back immediately! If anything, I was probably the best influence on you ever."

They both looked each other in the eyes, daring. "I see, we are particularly humble again today, Mr. Black," said Remus, nudging Sirius with his nose. The Animagus annoyingly blew some air into his face. "You signed up for this. And it's Mr. Lupin-to-be, got it?" Remus closed the short distance between them, smirking heavily. "Of course, my bad!"

His fiancé's lips were soft, much softer than before, and he no longer tasted of whiskey, but left a minty fresh feeling on Remus' own lips. He must have used a refreshing charm when Remus had said goodbye to Hailey. Anyone who did not know Sirius only saw his rough, sometimes quite vain, and edgy nature, which would not suggest that the man was so tender and thoughtful inside. Remus loved this about him, for it gave his person a depth that the lycanthrope could not always fully fathom. An excitement, a certain passion that worked like a drug on him. He had always loved the thrill of Sirius’ character; it kept him wild. After a deep inhale amidst Sirius' familiar-smelling hair, Remus put his chin on the other man's shoulder, which was now better accessible due to the added height of the wall, holding him in a heartfelt embrace. His gaze was now directed towards the water and if Remus had a camera at hand, this would have been the perfect moment for a photo. From their position he could see the London Eye, the big Ferris wheel attraction in Muggle London and he silently wondered if Sirius had ever been on a muggle ride before. Probably not. The landmark was illuminated by the last light of the evening sun, a fantastic spectacle of color that Remus had not seen in a long time. It was so different from the highlands, so unique. High up in the top gondola of the Ferris wheel, the view was certainly even more amazing. London was far more than the big city he had always dreamed about as a child – it had a personality, could feel both, lively and lonesome. A nice ambiguity.

"You are so warm, I almost feel the desire to just close my arms and legs a little bit further around you and let you carry me home," Sirius suddenly said in a loving voice. Remus chuckled, the funny picture popping up in his mind. "Then surely more Muggles would stare at us." It was indeed more common for the two of them to be stared at by groups of non-magical Londoners; the Muggle world was not quite so tolerant of same-sex couples yet. Whatever the reason. It was quite sad to be honest.

"Excuse me, can you please help us?" a shy voice with a strong French accent suddenly asked, and Remus snapped out of his thoughts, turning around, although he had to break free from Sirius' arms to do so. An elderly couple stood before them, both dressed in an "I love London" hoodie, holding a map of the London tube - quite obviously tourists. The white-haired man tapped his index finger on the map of the railroad network while Remus smiled friendly, willing to help immediately.

"Do you know where, uh, comment le dites-vous?” He turned to his travel companion and the two of them talked energetically in French. Remus looked bashfully at Sirius since he himself hardly understood anything. His own French was bad, he basically never used it. Really not a good prerequisite for a cooperation with the French exchange students of Beauxbatons academy.

“Où allez-vous?” Sirius asked, not the slightest bit familiar with the tube network but at least able to speak the language. The faces of the strangers began to light up, obviously happy to be addressed in their native language.

"Nous aimerions nous rendre à la gare de Westminster," the man said, and Sirius translated it for Remus, who was the only one familiar with London's public transport system. After he had shown the two elderly people the way on the map and Sirius explained it to them in French, they both began to smile. "Merci beaucoup et veuillez nous excuser de vous avoir dérangés, vous et votre mari. Le ciel du soir est vraiment beau aujourd'hui et vous encourage à vous arrêter et à vous attarder. Tous nos vœux!"

Sirius nodded at them, the sparkle in his eyes telling Remus that the woman must have said something nice to him. "Absolument! Passez un bon séjour à Londres. Prenez soin de vous!" he said, waving them goodbye.

When Sirius did not stop smiling, even after the two tourists had walked away, Remus stroked his knee. "What did she say to you that makes you grin like a Cheshire cat?" The Animagus pulled Remus towards him so that their foreheads touched.

"She called you my husband. I don't think I've ever heard anyone else say it out loud before. Feels nice. Feels right." Remus returned his smile, humming approvingly. The two of them must have looked pretty cheesily romantic in their position on and against the wall but after so many years of mutual deprivation, they should be allowed moments like this. "Your French is apparently still as good as it used to be," the lycanthrope noted with awe when Sirius jumped off the wall. "You absolutely have to teach me basic phrases if I am not to embarrass myself in front of the new students next Monday."

His counterpart nodded amusedly, "I'm almost certain that the kids will have good English skills, but it definitely won't hurt." He held on to Remus' arm as they continued their walk. "Besides, who can resist a cozy and educational weekend with their favorite werewolf?" Sirius smugly added. Remus cringed at the last word but chuckled nevertheless. They would be alone all weekend since Martha had returned to her other house in Kamwell Forest to check on things and winterize her garden. Even she had become accustomed to the city life, which meant that she spent more and more time in Grimmauld place. Even though she did not have to come to the company that often for business meetings as Sirius did most of that. Still, the older witch loved to cook, which came in handy for Sirius and his culinarily challenged attitude during the week.

"Especially since the full moon is still two weeks away," Sirius warbled, wrapping a strand of hair around his index finger. "We have plenty of time to enjoy ourselves if you get my drift." Remus looked down at him, knowing exactly what his lover was suggesting. "A nice warm bath to end the evening and breakfast in bed in the morning? I got you covered!" Sirius shook his head in disbelief, the sun's rays like little crystals on his pale cheeks. "You are already the best husband I could ever imagine!" He chuckled, “Everyone deserves a Remus Lupin in their lives. Too bad for them, since I’m the only one lucky enough.”

With interlaced fingers they walked along the banks of the river until the last rays of sunshine had disappeared and night fell. Remus silently thought about what Sirius had said, contemplated about his partner's wish to have seen Harry grow up properly. Perhaps the possibility of having another child was not so far-fetched as he had earlier expressed in the presence of Dorcas. As soon as the right opportunity would arise, he would talk to Sirius about it and gradually find out what his lover thought of their friends’ desire to have children. Maybe he already knew. Maybe Dorcas had told him as well.

On the way back into a somewhat shielded alley, from which they could apparate home without being seen, the lycanthrope caught himself again and again. Gazing over, looking after strolling families. Witnessing their bright laughs and happy expressions. Chasing each other, being silly.

Deep in his heart, even though the thought was potentially dangerous and most definitely selfish because of his condition, a child had always been a goal in his own life planning. Even if it would probably never come true, a man could dream.

Dreams could become reality; he had learned so much during the past year of his life. Even for someone like him.


	24. Do Not Hold Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> February has been tough.  
> Thank you, guys. You are my motivation. Sending much love to everyone who needs it <3

***

The autumn break was Remus' favorite time of vacation, together with the later Christmas break, because it offered the ideal opportunity to check the accumulated tests and essays of the first school months, during which, understandably, almost all professors were overzealous in giving assignments for their respective subjects. It was also wonderful, especially for Sirius, that Harry had decided to spend the week at Grimmauld place. Although Remus usually saw the boy every day at Hogwarts, it was different spending most of the day together - being a real family beyond the school context.

Harry enjoyed the time back in London as well, because when he was not spending time with them, he would meet Ron or Neville via floo powder, which was not only fast, but also safer considering his age. Remus had used this morning to grade and evaluate a good portion of his students' essays, while Martha, dear as she was, had brought him tea and other little treats. Remus had planned to cook for everyone tonight as compensation and was therefore currently in a Tesco with Harry, to do the weekly grocery shopping. Sirius still did not quite understand Muggle stores, although he was eager not to show it, so it was convenient for Remus to do the grocery shopping before his fiancé came home from work. The last two days of the week, the Animagus had taken off to be at Remus' side. To comfort and support him further.

After all, the full moon was the day after tomorrow.

Whenever Remus was not at Hogwarts, Martha took over the regulation of his Wolfsbane potion, which Severus had brewed in advance. The herbologist not only knew the herbs, but also knew which ingredients to add freshly to optimize the potion without making severe mistakes. Remus trusted her; she had shown more than once that she knew what she was doing, and Sirius also educated himself on the matter to be able to help.

Hence, the fateful Friday was already planned. Harry would spend the night at Ron's to be completely out of the picture before he, concerned as he was, would start to get in the way. Only Martha would be in the house with them - a thought that gave Remus a sense of security. Although he kept his human mind, his memory and impressions, under the Wolfsbane, he was still relieved when his loved ones, especially Harry who was no Animagus, were safe from him. He did not trust himself, or rather the wolf. Even under the potion.

"Do we still have enough bread?" Harry asked as he put a yogurt into their shopping cart.

Remus looked at his shopping list, which he had made the mundane, non-magical way, so as not to cause a stir at Tesco or having to take out his wand.

"We really need bread, toast and regular one. Can you please go get it?"

The boy nodded and disappeared around the corner while putting on the headphones Sirius had given him for his birthday. To be honest, it was almost a relief that Harry had grown up in the Muggle world and therefore had no problems finding his way around London without attracting attention. Even though he sometimes found Sirius' awkwardness when it came to Muggle matters adorable.

Focused, the lycanthrope stood in the vegetable department and packed a stick of leek in its bag. This would be very useful for his vegetable casserole tonight. But he was not very hungry now, felt nauseous. Remus sighed. Because the full moon was already so close, the odors in the supermarket were particularly strong, a weird mixture of products, cleaning utensils and various parfums, and he could also listen to all the conversations of the Muggle customers. Two elderly ladies across the aisle were quietly talking about the hospital bill of one of their sons, making Remus squinting his eyes together. He did not want to listen but had no way of blocking their voices right now.

However, he would be home soon and could flee the busy London bustle for good. If it weren't for Harry being by his side, he would have been afraid that some of the Muggles might consider him an addict. As pale as he was. As often as he paused to breathe deeply and calm himself. 

Irritated by the clicking sounds of the freezer a few meters away from him, a sound that was otherwise hardly noticeable at all, Remus whirled around and clumsily collided with another customer. Merlin, that was all he needed! The man was just about to apologize when Remus looked him in the face, which gave him a short fright. In front of him stood the new D.A.D.A. teacher, Vanir Adams, whom he almost failed to recognize without his usual robes, now dressed in sweatshirt and jeans.

"Remus?" asked Vanir in surprise and blinked as if he thought he was imagining his colleague. "What the hell are you doing here?"

The lycanthrope knew that Adams also lived in London, he had told them at their bar evening in Hogsmeade a few weeks ago. Still, London was huge and there were more than a few Tescos, what a coincidence.

"Hi, what a surprise. I'm just shopping for groceries, nothing special really," Remus replied smilingly, putting down his bag, which now became too heavy for him without the focus of looking around.

"I would have never expected to see you in a Muggle Tesco," Vanir laughed out loud, but Remus gestured to him not to yell as much. His colleague already had a loud voice anyway, much to Severus' chagrin. The last thing they needed was for the Muggle customers to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"Oh yes, right, sorry," said the clumsy teacher, holding his hand in front of his mouth with consternation. He eyed Remus from head to toe with a worried face. His brows slightly furrowed. "No offense, but you seem to have been in desperate need of a break," Adams said to him, now talking more quietly. "You look, uh, really exhausted. Not bad though, just tired. You know?"

The lycanthrope put on a smile, the same smile he had perfected for decades. The one he put on whenever someone pointed out his ailing appearance before the full moon. "I think I only have a slight cold, only better that I can recover at home for the rest of the week." Vanir did not know about Remus' condition, nor did most of his colleagues, and it would be better to keep it that way.

"Poor you," said Adams, while leaning against a freezer behind him, "and then, of all times, on school break. The only time where we can realx as well. What a pity!"

Remus shook his head, "Don't worry! As I said, I'm fine and the infection seems to be very mild. How do you spend your week off?"

The red-haired man shrugged his shoulders, "I’m not really doing much, just relaxing a little at home. I don't live far from here actually. My apartment is in Highgate."

The Arithmancy Professor only knew the outlying borough of London because of its large and majestic Muggle cemetery, but he had never been there before. "Sounds like a good plan," Remus said nodding. "I have similar plans. Today I have already graded some of the remaining essays."

Vanir grimaced, "That's still coming for me as well, but I haven't been able to get myself to do it yet. Even though I don't even have an excuse. Kudos that you're still so dutiful even when feeling bad."

The lycanthrope took his shopping bag over his shoulder again, presumably to indicate that he was about to end their conversation, as the sounds of the freezer drove him crazy.

"I would have suggested, now that we're both here, that we paint the town red today, but in your condition that's probably not a very good idea," Adams said in a comical tone of voice that was certainly meant to sound casual, but had a note that Remus could not quite interpret. "Do you at least have someone to look after you properly?"

Before he could answer, Harry came around the corner and put the wrapped bread in their shopping cart. "Professor?" he said in surprise, removing the headphones from his ears.

"I see, Tesco here is about to become a Hogwarts meeting point," Adams laughed and greeted Harry, who shook the man’s hand. "Merlin, you move all the way to London, the largest city in England, and yet you meet colleagues and students on every corner." He clumsily packed his stalk of tomatoes, which he had previously held in his hand, into his shopping cart, almost letting them fall to the ground. It was not the first time Remus wondered what Adams was like in class and whether his clumsiness had ever become dangerous when dealing with dark magic. "Not that I'm complaining! Of course I'm happy to see you both," Vanir quickly added, scratching the back of his head.

"But it's good to see that you have Harry who can take care of you a bit," the professor said happily. Remus saw Harry looking at him slightly perplexed but was very grateful to the boy for not letting him notice. Harry had also learned to deal with the secrecy of Remus' condition. Since he himself rarely talked about his private life, Adams understandably knew nothing about his life situation or about Sirius and Martha.

"If you need any assistance, just let me know, you have the number of my landline," Adams added somewhat more quietly, without taking his eyes off him. The lycanthrope could not tell whether his colleague was simply extrovertedly nice or flirted with him. He probably interpreted too much into the situation. But whatever this sparkle in the man's eyes meant, it felt weird.

"Thank you, Vanir, we'll be on our way now. After all, the food needs to be prepared." Remus reached out his hand to his fellow teacher. "Have a nice week and enjoy the break."

When their hands touched, Adams' cheeks began to blush, which Remus did not like at all. Adams was far too extroverted to suddenly become shy, seemingly out of nowhere. But who knew what was going on in his private life. Remus did not know his colleague well enough to assess this yet.

"See you on Monday!"

"It's such a pity you no longer teach us," Harry said when they were far enough away from the other man. "Professor Adams is kind of a funny guy, but today he was in a particularly strange mood." So Vanir's change of character had also caught Harry's eye.

"I think he's still pretty insecure, that's all. After all, he's never taught before, give him some more time," Remus said nodding. "But thanks for the nice compliment. I miss Defense as well."

Harry put one of the two shopping bags over his own shoulder when they were in the checkout line. "The lectures are super confusing since Professor Adams has been teaching, and besides, whenever you're around, he's even more insecure. Like he's afraid of you or something. Almost as much as Ron is afraid of Fleur Delacour."

While Harry laughed at his comparison, Remus could only grin. Inwardly, however, he began to think. Surely Adams had no crush on him? He was no idiot and, compared to his youth, could read people a lot better now. Unfortunately, this would explain a lot, because since the bar evening with the faculty, the former Ravenclaw had been fixated on Remus.

_Why does it have to be me of all people? Who could possibly be attracted to so much darkness?_

At their next meeting, he would try to gently resolve the issues by letting Adams know that he was engaged without rubbing the fact into the man's face. This mutual embarrassment could very well be spared for both of them.

Back home, Harry and Martha helped him prepare the vegetable casserole, although he had originally planned to cook alone. Surprisingly, Harry was interested in helping more and more in the kitchen, while Martha rarely wanted to leave her battlefield, as she used to call it. But Remus was grateful to the two of them, because due to some short migraine attacks, whereupon he always resorted to Muggle medicine, he would have taken hours to finish their dinner alone. Martha had already mixed him one of her herbal cocktails - a remedy that slowly took effect.

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay on Friday?" Harry asked, while cutting up some peppers. "I'm sure I could help somehow. I could bring you water or something, which really doesn't sound like much but you get what I mean."

The boy was just as helpful as his parents had been, never missing an opportunity to ask if there was anything he could do during the full moon. Remus knew that Harry had never seen a transformation before, that the boy was naturally curious to see how something so unimaginable took place. Nevertheless, he wanted to spare him the cruel, certainly traumatizing, event at all costs. Sirius would never allow Harry to be anywhere near them anyway. It was bad enough he had to witness it again and again.

"We are coping very well, Harry," Remus said softly, stroking the black-haired boy's shoulder softly. "I know you are worried and feel like you want to contribute, but the best thing for all of us is for Sirius and me to deal with this alone. We know what we are doing." Martha nodded. "Even under the Wolfsbane potion, a transformation is not a pretty sight and nothing a teenager should ever see."

Harry sighed as he put the sliced peppers in the casserole dish. "I know, but I feel so helpless every time. Useless even. Like I'm just living my life, meeting people and having fun, while you all suffer. It's just not fair."

A tone of sadness lay in his voice. Remus turned to the boy to look deeply into his eyes. "Hey, you're not useless at all, please don't say that." He held his foster son gently on both shoulders. "On the contrary, the fact that you are here now, here with us, gives me so much joy that the transformations have already become much more bearable. But on this one day every month, and I can speak for Sirius as well, I can only transform with a clear conscience when I know that you are in complete safety."

Harry looked down, the wild strains of hair, which he had clearly inherited from his father, fell into his eyes.

"Besides, under the Wolfsbane, I'm not much of the exciting werewolf from the books anyway, because most of the time I'm actually sleeping," Remus added with a grin to lift the spirits even though it was nothing to joke about. "So you clearly made the better and undoubtedly more thrilling choice spending the evening with Ronald." His words had an effect, Harry started smiling again.

"And I'm also here, ready to help in the event of a major emergency," Martha interjected to support the gist of Remus' statement.

Harry put his arms around both of them. "I just need you to be safe, okay?"

The lycanthrope returned the boy's embrace, whereupon the three of them stood cuddled up together in the kitchen.

He could understand Harry's worries well, could even more than sympathize with them, for the boy had experienced losses throughout most of his short life and was now naturally afraid of further shocks. Just as he himself, Harry had a real family for the first time in forever. A family worth fighting for.

"Promised! We will be as careful as possible," said Remus, while Harry, embraced by Martha, buried his face in the depths of his cardigan.

"Well, well!" Sirius, who had just appeared completely unexpectedly in the doorway, suddenly exclaimed. The sound of the preheating oven had completely muffled the noises of his apparation. "I see how it is! Cuddling without me? What a betrayal!"

Remus smiled as he gazed at his fiancé. The dark red shirt that the Animagus had put on for the first time this morning created the perfect contrast to his raven black hair, which was styled a bit wavier today. Even though they saw each other almost every day now, unless Sirius had to travel or he himself had nightly duties at Hogwarts, he lost his breath every time he saw his fiancé again after a few hours. Sirius was simply a feast for the eyes, the personification of the word 'divine', no matter how often he looked at him. His gaze would never get enough of him. _Never satisfied._

"First in time, first in line," the professor replied playfully when Sirius joined them, giving him a welcoming kiss.

Sirius grimaced, "Technically I'm not too late, especially since I was delayed and couldn't help it." Martha wrinkled her nose, back at the stove. "I think I'm going to have a word with Kenneth soon, if he keeps holding you up like this!"

The Animagus shook his head, "Oh, no, it wasn't Mr. Waterstone who wanted something from me, it was Dorcas." With a short _Accio_ , he fetched a brown booklet that looked rather worn out. "Emely and she went through all their photo albums to tidy out and found this. Photos from our school days taken with Lily's Muggle camera."

Remus remembered the old Polaroid camera that Lily had received on her birthday during their sixth year. She had always taken it to parties or other occasions to take souvenir photos. "I only peeked in for a moment, but Dorcas said that we would be very happy about it," Sirius beamed, letting the book disappear again with a snap. "But more of that later, is there anything I can help you with now?”

Remus and Martha shook their heads simultaneously. Their dinner was fully prepared and just had to go into the oven. The Animagus' face became bright, visibly pleased with their answer and the fact that he could once again stay away from the kitchen. How sneaky. “Good, because I absolutely have to move and get some air. All this sitting around is ruining my posture and kills my form. Anyone up for a short run before dinner?"

Everyone in the room knew that the question was directed to Harry, since Remus was currently unable to do any sports and Martha kept away from any kind of physical activity beyond hiking or gardening. Sirius had always been such an active person, even in her youth. The time in Azkaban had certainly not made this easy for him. "I'll go with you if you don't get that fast again," Harry said with a grin. "Ron is already complaining that I always outrun him now when we are warming up before training."

Sirius snatched one of the small tomatoes that had not found room in the casserole dish. "I can't promise you anything, but I'll do my best!" When his fiancé had left the kitchen, all smiling and fidgety, Remus patted Harry on the shoulder. "You know what they say: Rooted within their nature, wizards and witches are more similar to their Animagus form than they would like to admit. The dog within him certainly needs the run. Give him a challenge, will you?"

Harry laughed out loud, whereupon Sirius stuck his head back into the doorframe, his face unimpressed, "Oi, I heard that!"

After the two of them had changed and started their run, Remus loved to watch them through the window as they took off, the lycanthrope sat down with Martha on the large sofas in the living room. The elderly witch used the time before dinner to continue knitting on one of her new scarves, a noble piece of dark tones. She would certainly give it to Sirius for his birthday. Although he had his warm, still steaming tea in his hand, Remus suddenly felt cold. Lycanthropy often felt like having a cold and he would describe the phase before each transformation as such for people who had never heard of the condition before. Shuddering, Remus leaned back, his head falling back, resting on one of the large sofa cushions. He could probably forget the book he actually wanted to read moments ago.

"Everything okay, honey?" Martha asked worriedly, watching him over the edge of her glasses. "You're awfully pale, even more so. Do you need anything?" Remus shook his head; he had already taken more than enough medicine today.

"I'm fine, I think I'll just close my eyes for a moment." Martha's gaze watched him for a while longer, then she started knitting again. "Very well. But if it gets worse, please let me know. You don't need to suffer."

His head was spinning, somewhat as if after too much alcohol, as he lay down on the side of the couch. During moments like these, he was stunned. Stunned at why he deserved this, angry that there were people like Fenrir Greyback who voluntarily infected others and celebrated their disease like a cult. He hated every second of it. Sick bastard! He shivered again, heavily this time. 

Suddenly, Martha rose with a sigh, putting one of the blankets lying on the sofa over him. "Honestly Remus, don’t expect me to sit around watching you like this. You're certainly not feeling well, so I'm going to get you a hottie now." He had always hated that word, even though his mother had used it as well. It was so typically British and every other nation would probably just call it ‘hot water bottle’. He was too miserable to remind himself not to be angry that the person that wanted to help him. One of the one's who truly cared. But before Martha came back, before she could even give him the comforter, he had already fallen asleep.

He felt as if hours had passed, when a stomping in the hallway indicated the return of Harry and Sirius, tearing him from his light sleep. From his position on the couch, he had a good view of the stairs to the upper floor, which Harry now stormed up energetically, very clearly out of breath.

"I'll take the bathroom with the bigger shower," the boy shouted aloud, while Sirius first went into the kitchen, presumably for a drink. With a glass of water in his hand, he walked past the living room again, but stopped abruptly when his gaze fell on Remus.

"Hey, you okay?" the man asked in a low voice as he approached the sofa. His hair was very fuzzy, it had probably been quite windy outside, and his otherwise evenly pale cheeks were slightly reddened. Only Sirius alone could make even the state of physical exhaustion look sexy. Better yet, it even gave him a charming after-workout glow. Unbelievable. This man simply could not look bad.

"I feel much better already," said Remus, turning around to face him fully. "Had a little lie down because I suddenly felt very cold. How was your run?"

The Animagus squatted down next to him, one hand resting on Remus' forehead. "Good thing Martha was here, otherwise I would have felt bad now for leaving you alone."

His family really was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he was grateful for everything they went through with him and the exhausting ups and downs of the lycanthropy. "I'm not a child, love. It was very nice that Martha helped, indeed, but I can also take care of myself quite well," Remus said lovingly, first wrapping his fingers around one of the ribbons on Sirius' hoodie, then running them through his wild hair.

"I kind of like the look."

His fiancé began to laugh, "Stop it, I'm totally disgusting and sweaty, that can never ever be attractive!"

Remus sat up so that he had a better view into the familiar grey eyes. "If anyone looks flawless, even after jogging, it's you. I think nothing can disfigure you."

Sirius stroked his moist hair back, whereupon his nose wrinkled. "Be glad you didn't see me in Azkaban then, darling. That was definitely beyond disgusting."

He placed his empty water glass on the table and took a sip of Remus' still completely untouched tea. "If you like the unwashed look that much, I'll have to be careful that you don't run off with Snapey soon," Sirius said with a cheeky wink.

The lycanthrope rolled his eyes, but still had to chuckle. "Severus has improved quite a bit, believe me, and besides, he's the one who causes me the least concern." As Sirius frowned, Remus began to stretch, knowing what his partner was about to ask."Oh, never mind, I'm just starting to feel that the new colleague, Vanir Adams, whom I told you about the other day, has something more than a comradely friendship between us in mind. Harry and I ran into him earlier while shopping and he told me to call him if my 'cold' got worse and asked if I had someone to look after me. On top of that, he blushed when I shook his hand in farewell, which even Harry noticed. I could be wrong, barely know him, but it is quite strange."

Sirius' expression grew colder and he looked at his perfectly manicured fingernails. "Well, he’d better stay away from my man if he wants to live a little longer."

Remus pulled the smaller man closer. "Don't worry about such trivialities. Only an utter idiot would look for someone else with you by their side. I'll take care of Adams." The lycanthrope ran his palm across Sirius' thigh, feeling the fabric of his soft sweatpants under his fingertips, along with his lean muscles. "And I mean it, no one compares to you, my love!"

Sirius giggled lowly, his heartbeat a little faster now. This small detail had not slipped the attention of Remus, or more specifically the extra alertness created by his werewolf senses. During moments like these, when he could perceive things that he would have otherwise failed his notice about Sirius, those were the moments when he did not completely detest his condition.

"Do you feel better already? Think you can take a shower with me?" the Animagus asked in a not quite innocent voice, his starry eyes not a second averted from him. Remus gently circled the area of his fiancé's lower jaw with his index finger, the man's neatly trimmed beard tickling his fingertips. "I'd love to, but if I want to eat with you in a few minutes, I should rest a little longer." He nudged his love's face with his nose. "But I can offer you a massage later, which is always a good idea after a run."

Sirius purred, so close that Remus could feel the man's lips on his own, the moment he spoke. "Deal!"

Sirius' kisses had always managed to make him forget everything around them and especially now, so close to the full moon, they also silently guaranteed him that everything would be okay. At least when they were together.

***

After they all had dinner, the casserole turned out really delicious due to their united efforts, they all sat down together in the spacious living room. Martha sat in her wing chair, while Harry and Sirius sat next to him on one of the sofas. Both were already wearing their comfy clothes, which they had put on right after the shower. Remus was very happy that he himself was feeling better again, was thankful that both the dizziness and the cold feeling had disappeared. This way, he could at least spend a quiet evening before the reality of lycanthropy would catch up with him again tomorrow morning at the latest.

Although it was only October, they had already lit a fire in the fireplace, which was now crackling atmospherically. Sirius held the brown book in his hands, looking around with a mischievous look on his face.

"I really don't remember having seen this album, ever, so this should be quite funny right away." His long, slender fingers opened the still slightly dusty album and already on the first page they saw a photo of '78's graduating class. Dorcas had glued and labeled it neatly, so they were able to read all the names of their former classmates. "Merlin, look at us!" Sirius shouted incredulously, holding his hand over his mouth. "I didn't even know that this picture existed." Undoubtedly, it was not difficult to locate the Marauders in the photo, because the four boys and Lily were standing in the middle of the front row. Peter's face was unfavorably captured, because the chubby wizard had just looked down at the time of the shot. All the better, however, that Sirius did not have to see his face. Or rather look him in the eyes.

Harry ran his fingers over his parents' faces, standing hand in hand next to each other. "They looked so happy!" The Animagus nodded slowly. "They were."

Ever since the man regularly went to the grave of James and Lily in Godric's Hollow, he seemed to have come to terms with their deaths and found a way to cope with their loss. Therapy surely helped him in that regard as well.

"And you look good too," Harry said amusedly, pointing to the teenage boys next to his parents. Sirius was obviously wearing one of Remus' sweaters, of that he was certain, and he himself hugged the smaller man from the side while his counterpart held his black-painted fingernails into the camera to form a peace sign.

"The crazy seventies," Martha giggled, pointing to Benjy Fenwick's shirt in the back third of the photo. "All the young people used to walk around like that, madness!" Remus remembered Benjy well, especially because he had been bitterly jealous of his relationship with Sirius during their sixth year. The upright Ravenclaw had missed his ex-boyfriend for a long time, even though the relationship had only lasted a few months. "Is that Professor Snape?" Harry suddenly laughed, pointing his finger at the sour-faced Slytherin, who was hiding mid-way behind Caius Avery. "Indeed," Remus confirmed with a grin. "I didn't even know how much he changed." Even in the school photo, Remus could now make out that Severus was not laughing honestly but was wearing one of his typical masks. His real laughter was very rarely seen.

When Sirius turned the page, a photo of Marlene and Dorcas sitting on two swings next to each other fell out. The picture had apparently not been stuck on tightly enough and thus slipped. "This here was Dorcas' girlfriend, Marlene. She was murdered the same year as Lily and James," Sirius stated dryly. Marlene's death had been the first great shock for Remus, to be followed by many more. Not a happy memory. As if Sirius had read his negative thoughts, he quickly turned the pages. The new picture showed them both, judging by the date, probably at the winter party of the Gryffindors in the common room. When Remus leaned forward, he could also see a caption on the partly heavily scratched picture.

 _'They don't even see me - L.E'_ \- clearly from Lily. Just as her words suggested, neither of them looked into the camera, but rather looked at each other as if their further lives depended on it. Deeply absorbed in each other's eyes.

Their noses were only inches apart, a very intimate and wholesome position. "See, you did smoke too!" Sirius said smugly, pointing to the cigarette between Remus' fingers.

"Too bad I wasn't quite as drunk and still remember the evening well," Remus replied triumphantly. "Because that was your cigarette which I had just taken from you."

Martha leaned forward again, "If you look closely, even with the poor quality of the image, you can see that you're just blowing out some smoke, honey. Even my eyesight can still detect that."

Sirius rolled his eyes in joking defeat. "You are not helping, Martha!"

Everyone laughed except him, whereupon Remus patted his fiancé's thigh. "In his defense, I have to confess that I really did smoke, just not in the picture and not as much as you did."

"Whatever!"

Sirius turned the page over again, "It's bad for your health anyway, at best you don't even start. Got it, kiddo?" Harry nodded, and fortunately, Remus found it hard to imagine the boy falling into such a habit. James had also never smoked himself. "The look has remained the same between you," Harry said mischievously. Remus could only agree with him. So many years lay between the date of the picture and today, but his love for Sirius had not aged a day. If anything, it had become more unconditional, purer even.

"I know," he kissed Sirius' hair, "It's still the same beautiful sight, whenever I look at him.”

"I am just as enchanted by you as I was then," Sirius purred softly. Harry took the book out of his hand to take a closer look at the new photo. "I never knew you had so many piercings, Sirius."

Both men parted from each other again to look at the album as well. The picture showed Sirius on his eighteenth birthday and this time, it was Remus himself who had written a note on the picture. He recognized his youthful handwriting immediately.

Martha began to laugh, "Why do you look so upset here, dear?" She reaped a sarcastic look from Sirius, "That's just my normal face at rest, but you're not the first one to comment on that. What did James call that expression again?" He pondered for a moment, "Oh yeah, right, my resting bitch face." Remus clapped his palm against his forehead in amusement. "I'm sure Harry is delighted to hear that information about his father." The boy threw his head back laughing, obviously not surprised at James' profanity. His green eyes watched his godfather, smirking brightly. "What a great way to put it. Sometimes, you still look like that today."

The Animagus ruffled through the teenager’s hair, his lips slightly opened in a playful shock, "Harry James Potter, I'll just pretend I didn't hear that."

Martha took a sip from her teacup, the warm brew fogging up her glasses. "This nose piercing was something totally rare back then, but today I see more and more young people with it. My Albert has always said that fashion trends are repeated over the years, and he doesn't seem to have been completely wrong." When Remus was still working in various supermarkets, long before his employment at Hogwarts, he had also made this discovery. Many Muggle teenagers and young adults had worn such a piercing.

He smiled as he remembered the day Sirius had gotten it. Together with Peter, they had visited a good studio in Cardiff after the Marauders had spent one of the summer weeks with Remus' parents. James unfortunately had to return home already, as Euphemia and Fleamont Potter had a business appointment in Wales, taking their son back home with them afterwards. Sirius' parents had no interest in seeing him anyway and the lycanthrope doubted that they had even wondered where he was. In any case, their wonderful vacation together had been only a few months before Sirius' permanent getaway, the running away from his family. The Animagus had been deeply relaxed during the piercing procedure, as always, while Peter drank one soda after the other to prevent himself from fainting. A funny sight and probably the reason why Remus still remembered the day so vividly.

"Who knows," Sirius said with a confident smile, "maybe I'll put my septum piercing back in sometime, should I feel like it. Nothing to lose if it seems to be a trend at the moment anyway."

Harry turned to him in surprise, "Would that still fit? Doesn't it close up?" Sirius flipped to the next page of the album, his other hand resting on Remus' knee. "On the lip, definitely, I only have a scar left, but I think I could still wear my septum. It would be painful to get it back in, though."

The next page of the album was covered in numerous little hearts, neatly drawn with red crayon. Remus could very well imagine that Marlene, Dorcas or Lily had painted them onto the otherwise plain page. The picture of James and Lily, which had also been taken on Sirius' birthday, showed their two friends dancing. Since he did not know the photo, it must have been taken by Sirius or Peter, but the handwriting on the old Polaroid told the lycanthrope that it must have been Sirius who took it. The latter started giggling. "James really didn't know how to lead a lady, or anyone for that matter, trust me."

"Both of them still had their own charm when dancing," he gently added. Harry stared at the picture, the corners of his mouth proudly pulled up. "I really look a lot like my father. Not that I didn't already know it, but here it becomes especially clear."

Sirius put an arm around his godson. "Sure, everyone keeps telling you this! You're our little Prongslette."

Remus laughed at the name, his fiancé really came up with the funniest terms and pet names. "If you don't want him to kick you out of his room in a year's time, you'd better drop that nickname," said Martha with a wry grin.

The other pages of the little booklet were also full of beautiful memories. A shot of the Christmas ball in her seventh year, ice-skating on the frozen black lake, a group photo with baby Harry - Lily had captured all these moments and more with her camera and although Remus hadn't been fond of the old Muggle construction at the time, he greatly appreciated her power of memory preservation, even when the photos did not move. The last hour had felt like a time travel through her youth and despite the bitter aftertaste of the death of their friends, Remus had managed to remember the past in an almost exclusively positive way for the first time. Even Harry seemed to have enjoyed hearing the little stories and anecdotes about his parents.

Opposite Remus, Martha began to yawn, putting her little hands in the pockets of her cardigan. "I think I'll retire for the night, read a little more, and then go to bed." Slowly, she rose from her comfortable wing chair, snapping her fingers, whereupon all four of their empty tea cups flew after her. "You shouldn't stay up too long either. You need your rest, Remus. To gather strength for Friday." She smiled lovingly and the lycanthrope nodded warmly. The affectionate witch, who was never blessed to have children of her own, was like an anchor to them all. She talked as if she were Sirius’ own mother, treated Harry like her own grandson and had become Remus’ caregiver. Miracles do happen apparently.

"You are absolutely right! Sleep well, Martha!" he responded thankfully. Sirius blew her a kiss, “Sweet dreams!”

After the elderly woman had disappeared in the hallway of the house, Harry began to clear his throat. Remus looked at him in amazement, for the boy's face seemed slightly disconcerted. "So, I wanted to talk to you about something, if that's okay," he started slowly, nervously tugging at the hem of his sweater. Sirius shifted back in his position on the sofa, so that Remus could look at the boy as well.

"Go ahead, Harry, of course, we're listening."

The black-haired boy swallowed. "Uh, it's hard to describe but how do I know if I really like someone? You know, not just as a friend? Or maybe also as a friend, I don't know."

Sirius began to grin, and Remus saw in the Animagus' expression how pleased he was that Harry confided in them. "Well, we're really no experts," Remus began in a loving tone, reminding himself of how long it had taken Sirius and him to finally confess their feelings for each other, "and of course the feeling is a little bit different for everyone, but I think a good indicator is when you can't stop thinking about the other person and those thoughts make you happy."

Sirius ran the fingertips of his right hand over the engagement ring. "You also experience stronger emotions related to the person in question, be it euphoria, sadness or jealousy. Sometimes, you can't sleep because of this, have mood swings or even feelings of despair when your relationship suffers even the smallest setback." He smiled dreamily. "One doesn't say that falling in love is a form of addiction for nothing."

Harry blushed slightly, his fingers still plucking at his sweater.

"Do you have the feeling that you could be in love?" Remus asked casually, not to urge the boy to give an answer.

Harry looked him in the eyes, “Yes, somehow, but also not. It's complicated," he looked at Sirius, "It probably sounds silly, I mean Ron keeps telling me to just talk to her, but even though I think Cho is great, I don't think I actually fancy her. She's very pretty, definitely, but most of the time I just feel like I do when I talk to Hermione when being in her presence. Like being with a friend."

Sirius tilted his head. "Do you think of her often?" Of course, Remus knew Cho Chang from his former D.A.D.A. lessons, a very capable and friendly girl. "I think about her often, but I think more about what she might feel about me than about my own emotions towards her. I like her, but I am never nervous when I see her." Harry's smile changed to a tense expression. "The thing is, I'm beginning to suspect that she likes me a little more, but I don't want her to get her hopes up." His eyes started to flash, "Partly because there's someone else. I think you've already guessed who it is."

Remus could not help but notice the mischievous look his fiancé gave him before Harry looked up again. "Do you mean Cedric Diggory?" the professor asked softly, knowing that Sirius would have expressed it differently and probably not as appropriate. After all, they both had suspected it in September already.

"Yes," Harry replied meekly, "which is just funny, because I don't even know if he's interested in me, let alone is into boys at all. But how can I expect him to be sure when I don't even know anything myself?"

Sirius put a hand on Harry's shoulder. "Sounds quite familiar to me. Can you describe what you feel when spending time with Cedric?"

When asked, Harry's pulse began to accelerate, something only Remus could hear. It was quite the giveaway. "It is confusing. I know we've become good friends, but I can't relax in his presence like I can with Ron. Cedric is so different from the other boys, somehow calmer. And I like his hair, something I haven't even noticed with others." The boy sighed. "I also know that Cedric signed up for the Triwizard Tournament before the vacations and although I think the concept is quite cool, I can't stop worrying about him should he really be selected. I mean, you heard it yourself in Professor Dumbledore's speech, Remus, some students have died during the games in the past."

"What about his eyes?" Sirius suddenly asked and although the question seemed to come out of the blue at first, the lycanthrope knew what Sirius was getting at.

"His eyes, what about them?" Harry asked in surprise, but when Sirius did not add anything, he continued. "Cedric has special eyes, I have never seen that color anywhere before. They are blue, but not exclusively, they have green patches on the edges, like a spilled color palette.” The boy looked down, smiling timidly. "Sometimes they look like the surface of the black lake during summer."

Sirius leaned over to his godson, one corner of his mouth pulled up. "Gotcha!" Harry's eyes widened, an expression of embarrassed realization on his face. "I really do have a crush on him, don't I?” He paused, “How can I describe his eyes so perfectly when I don't even remember which eye color Cho has?"

Remus chuckled. "You don't just look at Cedric, you actually take in his features, there's nothing wrong with that. In any case, it can be a good indicator that you are really in love."

Harry's face was now bright red, but his gaze happy. The lycanthrope poked him in the side to lighten the situation. "Relax, Harry, it's quite normal and absolutely not embarrassing. Really, I could have filled monographs with the description of Sirius' eyes, and I honestly admit that I still could." All three laughed at his heartfelt confession.

"But what do I have to do now? What is the next step?" Harry asked, now much more relaxed.

Sirius clicked his tongue. "You don't have to do anything, because you have all the time in the world. Just keep spending time with the boy, whether alone or in the presence of others doesn't matter, and have fun. If you feel that he enjoys listening to you and feel safe doing so, tell him that you like spending time with him. It doesn't have to be a love confession, god no, just a hint that lets him see he's appreciated by you. It is important that you always stay true to yourself and don't pretend to be someone else just to be liked by Cedric. The rest will develop all by itself."

Remus put his chin on his fiancé's shoulder. "If you then continue to feel that things are going well between you, just ask him if he wants to do something alone with you, a walk around the campus or a training session for Quidditch, for example. Take your time and you'll see how your mutual feelings unfold. He is quite a bit older, so he probably picks up on little hints like these faster."

Harry nodded, his eyes like those of Lily, whenever she talked about James before the got together. "As for the girl," Sirius said slowly, "If you really feel that she has fallen in love with you, or wants more than you are comfortable with, I would tell her that although you value her friendship very much, you are not interested in more than that at the moment. This may seem like a rejection but believe me, honesty is important and always better, the sooner it is expressed. In the past, I made the mistake of not saying anything and thus kept on the right side of many people, which must have hurt them a lot in retrospect. Don't repeat my mistakes." 

Silence prevailed for a few seconds.

"Just be sure that she is really into you before telling her, otherwise, your conversation is prone to get quite awkward," the Animagus added goofily.

Harry started grinning broadly. "Thanks guys. I feel so relieved now. Somehow, my confession was only half as bad as I imagined it to be."

Remus looked at him with a perplexed look. "What did you expect? That we had no sympathy for the fact that you might be in love with Cedric?" He laughed out loud, actually surprised by that. "We of all people should understand."

Sirius theatrically put his hand to his forehead, fake-swooning until his head touched the back of the sofa. "My godson potentially in love with another boy? Unacceptable! This family is going down the tubes!"

"Thanks for this wonderful impression of Walburga Black," Remus smiled as he stood up and had to stabilize himself for a short moment. "You can talk to us about anything Harry. Whatever it is, we're here for you and we find a way together!"

The youthful Gryffindor fell around their necks after Sirius had stood up again, his cheeks less red but fairly content. "You really are the best. I love you so much!"

Sirius closed his eyes, taking in the words, a gentle grin on his lips. "We love you too, sweetie. Always have, always will." Remus could only nod in agreement. The thought that if anything should happen between Harry and the boy, they would be a true Gryffindor-Hufflepuff household with Cedric, and of course Martha, made him smile. Perhaps, at times, house preferences were not so discordant after all. Even though he did not believe in their differentiations otherwise, because no one’s house guaranteed their personality in the long run. He had seen this with Bentley Styles during their seventh year. A truly foul Gryffindor.

"Come on! Martha was right, let's not go to bed too late."

***

"I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!" Sirius sang as Remus came back from taking, closing the bedroom door behind him. It had taken him longer than expected, he had to turn the water up cold several times to cool down his tired limbs. The limbs that would have to suffer unbearable pain again on Friday. To be honest, he would have thought that Sirius had already gone to bed, but here he sat, on the edge of the bed with a hairbrush in his hand. Waiting. _For me!_

"I knew Harry had a crush on the Diggory boy," he continued, "and I am so fucking glad he told us. Trust relationship goals - check!"

Remus began to button the top of his nightgown with a smile, amused by Sirius' jolly reaction.

"It really is an indescribable feeling, isn't it?"

His fingers trembled badly, damned lycanthropy, and he cursed quietly after the top button opened again after he had almost managed to close it fully.

"Hey," Sirius said gently as he rose slowly, approaching his fiancé, "don't beat yourself up, let me do it."

The moment Sirius' elegant fingers reached for the front of his shirt, a brief tingling sensation began to run through him. It was the sweetest curse and worst temptation. The presence of his soulmate was always beguiling, as if under a spell, but now that Remus could practically taste the power of the full moon, Sirius was like a rare artifact that attracted him through all sensory channels, but which he was not permitted to touch. Did not want to break. The roughness of the wolf was not to be underestimated. With his eyes closed, he took a deep breath, partly to soothe his terribly fast pulse and the blood flowing inside him, a rush he could perceive in his ears. He was not a beast, far from it usually, but in the days before the full moon he was closer to the beast than he liked. More closely connected with its animal instincts and rough nature. _Dominating._

The lycanthrope bit his lower lip - a sad attempt to control himself.

"All done," Sirius said softly, his voice intentionally adjusted to Remus' current noise sensitivity. "Now we can make ourselves comfortable and you can relax."

The otherwise so good-natured professor, of whom not much would be left in less than a day, rubbed his temples. His deep breath had merely caused him to have only more of his lover's appealing smell in the nostrils.

"Are you still with me?" the Animagus asked, wetting his lips. "Or do you feel sicker again?"

Remus shook his head, one look into the other man's eyes enough to trigger the familiar tingle again. Heaven and hell in a crude game.

"I'm fine, you're just almost unbearably alluring right now." He bent down to Sirius so that their foreheads touched. "If I remember correctly, I promised you a massage earlier."

The raven-haired man chuckled lowly, his forearms loosely placed on Remus' shoulders. "Depends on how you feel, if you'd rather sleep, you don't have to. I'm good." He ran his hand through Remus' hair, making him get goosebumps. "More than good actually." With hands that under normal circumstances would probably have been too gentle, but now could not be careful enough, he pulled Sirius closer to him to whisper in his ear.

"Then I will make you feel even better."

Remus did not know why he tortured himself so much, why he could not simply go to bed and sleep, because every further step that did not consist of falling asleep together would cost him immense willpower to keep the wolf in check. But maybe that was exactly the thrill of it. Kissing Sirius' neck was like turning on a machine, like the key to the motor of his slim body.

_Once that's done, he's all mine. Just the gentle movement of my warm breath against his neck and he has no resistance at all._

The lycanthrope shook off the possessive thought, tenderly kissing the lower jaw area and neck of his fiancé instead.

"Come on, lie down!" Remus whispered as a pleasant warmth spread through him, "A massage is the least I can do for you. After all, you'll be losing sleep again on Friday because of me."

Sirius shook his head, but skillfully pulled his sleeping shirt over his head before lying face down on their comfortable bed. "Sleep is overrated anyway. Not for you, though, but if you insist, I am of course no one to stop you." Mouthing a Lumos, the lycanthrope lit one of the decorative bedside lamps, whose warm light now took some of the darkness out of the scenery. He did not mind the gloom, because he could orientate himself very well. Their bedroom was only fully darkened when the curtains were closed completely anyway, but for Sirius, the soft, atmospheric light was probably more pleasant. Remus sat down on the bed with his fiancé while he conjured up one of the massage oils from the night cabinet.

Dorcas had given him an entire collection for his last birthday, something he never thought he would need and yet used more often than he had originally predicted. The scent of the fluid inside the dark green glass bottle seemed to be made for this evening, because just before the transformation, when he already perceived everything much too strongly, he preferred to smell heavy suffusing scents. As he rubbed the oil between his hands to warm it up, the deep aroma of the substance spread across the room. Luckily, it was not too strong. Just pleasant. If someone were to ask him to describe the fragrance, he would have probably answered autumnal heaviness with a hint of sensually sweet musk. The same sensuality that the Animagus next to him radiated.

“Smells very nice,” Sirius commented, his voice muffled by one of the pillows, as if he had read his thoughts.

Remus smiled, running his lubricated hands over Sirius' shoulder blades. First, he traced his fiancé's tattoos, the deer antlers on his neck, the star constellation on his right shoulder blade, the numerous runes and inscriptions and the entire planetary row of the solar system along his spine. A raven, which lost many of its feathers on its ascent, was his latest piece, but fortunately that, too, had already healed. He smiled gently as he increased the pressure of his hands and Sirius emitted a soft sound of pleasant relaxation. Apparently, the massage had not been so unnecessary after all. In the twilight room, Remus' fingers caressed his fiancé's skin, kneading the tense muscles with a little vigor, without exerting too much pressure, as if afraid a heavier touch would break the heady magic. Sirius' skin was soft and warm, the defined muscles in his back like a story of quiet determination, of a person willing and able to put in daily effort to achieve a goal.

Only a year ago, the man beneath him had been morbidly thin and malnourished, exhausted by Azkaban and its madness. Now, however, he had already rebuilt some of his former lean muscles, which flattered his slender body very much. With a loving look on his lover's hair, Remus stroked the lower back of the Animagus, his hands nicely warm.

"Does that feel good?"

Sirius turned his head to the side so that he could speak better. "It feels amazing, don't stop!"

_Merlin that sounds hot. Focus!_

The black-haired man preferred to do outdoor sports, because, he said, whenever he was outside, he not only got the fresh air he needed, but also pushed his body to limits that satisfied him. Remus had already accompanied him many times, always when he had been himself again and was not influenced by the moon. During those moments where his heart was pounding, all the more strongly than in rest, with expanded lungs in the cool autumn air, Remus understood that outdoor workouts were not only a means to stay in shape for Sirius but reminded him of his regained freedom. To go wherever he liked, as fast as he pleased. To run away and come back. Freely. Over and over again.

He liked it when he was running with Sirius, side by side, as they used to do together in the forest as a dog and a wolf. He loved to see his soulmate being out of breath, cheeks flushed in a color that Remus usually only saw during a completely different activity.

"Do you also think it's crazy that Dorcas and Emely might get pregnant soon?" Remus asked to take his mind off it. "I'm sure they'll make great mothers."

Sirius snorted in agreement. "Absolutely crazy, yes. In the past, I could have never imagined Dorcas as a mother, but nowadays she fits the role well." He sniggered; "And Emely was practically born to be a mom, the perfect caregiver."

The lycanthrope nodded as he drew large circles with his hands across the back of the man below him. Swallowing, he continued. "I have thought about what you said the other day. That Harry's growing up was going too fast for you and you wished you had seen all the milestones in his life." He paused briefly, not sure what he was saying. "Well, with Harry, this is certainly irreversible, we have new hurdles, those of an adolescent, to overcome together now, but what if we could start all over again? From scratch?"

The raven-haired man laughed briefly, the lovely sounds stifled in the pillow. "You're hinting at Dorcas' idea, huh?" He turned his head to Remus, his eyes still closed. "But I thought about it too. It is insane, actually! I think both of us, the ex con and werewolf, should be the last people on this earth to raise a child, and yet I can picture it better and better since our conversation." Reaching back, he grabbed Remus' hand. "You would be an amazing dad, love, just like you are amazing with Harry."

Remus stilled his movement, actually surprised by his lover's response. "So, would you seriously consider it? Do you think we could manage something this huge?"

Sirius rubbed his thumb across the back of the professor's hand. "At twelve years of age, I never thought that we could always be together during your transformations and that I would manage to become an Animagus. At seventeen, I never expected Lily and James to become parents so early, taking care of an infant so devotedly despite their young age. And then at twenty-one," he faltered, "at twenty-one, I never dreamed that I would survive twelve long years in literal hell only to be reunited with the love of my life. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you grow with your responsibilities and I can't think of anything more beautiful than raising a little mini-Remus with my soon-to-be husband. The greatest person on this planet."

The lycanthrope could hear the heartbeat of his fiancé, which was clearly elevated after his meaningful words. He slipped to the side, his hand, now clean again, buried in the black strands of hair. "And you say, I am a hopeless romantic!"

Regardless of his inner desire, he united his lips with Sirius', their kiss like a seal of the idea that was now planted in both men. "I love you more than anything else in this world and even if I am afraid of the future because of my condition, I know that you are by my side and that we can overcome anything. Together." He sat back up to massage Sirius further. "And Harry and Martha are here too. Let's just talk to Emely and Dorcas so they can explain the process to us. Getting informed doesn't hurt and we don't have to make a decision yet."

Sirius hummed approvingly, dropping his head back into the mattress.

With two fingers, Remus traveled along his lover's spine, which gave the other man goosebumps. "Where have you been practicing all these years? This is heavenly," said Sirius with a long exhalation as Remus massaged his cervical spine. "Is there something I should know?"

Remus giggled, his warm palms resting on the shoulder blades of his beloved. "I guess I just have a natural gift for it. Besides, we've been together long enough, I just know what you like." Before Sirius could reply, the lycanthrope bent down and kissed his fragrant skin along the spine. But when the buzzing in his ears became stronger again, a clear sign that his action was too dangerously close to total loss of control, he retreated, continuing the normal movement of his fingers.

Sirius whined uncomfortably at the loss of his mouth. "No! I thought things were getting exciting now."

His tone betrayed exactly what he wanted, but that was not an option at the moment.

"You know we can't," Remus whispered softly into the Animagus' ear. "Trust me, I want nothing more but I also don't want to hurt you."

Sirius turned so that he laid on his back, lips slightly wet, looking up into Remus' face. "You know full well you won't hurt me. I may act like one often, but I am not a delicate snowflake that can be broken easily." He freed his legs from under Remus and wrapped them seductively around the werewolf's waist, which made Remus hiss. The man knew exactly what he was doing.

"Besides, it's not like you suddenly wolf out and devour me." His voice was like sweet honey. Remus just stared, all sensory stimuli too much for his logical mind.

"You're heading into dangerous waters, my love." Against his better judgement, he shifted closer. "You know that so close before the full moon it takes all my willpower to hold back and stay in control. If we go further, I don't know if I still have the strength or if my rough excitement will simply overwhelm me."

Sirius bit his lower lip, a gesture that made Remus close his eyes for a moment to gather himself because it looked so good.

"I'm aware," purred the Animagus, pulling Remus, who did not even try arguing any longer, down on top of him. "But this statement cleverly ignores a crucial factor.” His voice was only a whisper now. “I do not want you to hold back. And I also don't mind when things get rough."

"You're such a tease. Might get you in trouble at some point," breathed the professor, unable to restrain himself.

Sirius bit his lower lip again and this time he absolutely used what it did to Remus to his advantage. "Oh, come on. Don't make me beg!"

_Shit!_

That was all the reassurance Remus needed, before quickly casting a Silencing charm.


End file.
